战争与和平(上)-第380章

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d　doing　was　right　or　wrong—there　was　never　a　trace　of　them　now。　Only　one　terrible　doubt　sometimes　assailed　his　mind。　Was　it　not　all　a　dream？　Was　not　Princess　Marya　mistaken？　Am　I　not　too　conceited　and　self…confident？　I　believe　in　it；　but　all　at　once—　and　it’s　what　is　sure　to　happen—Princess　Marya　tells　her；　and　she　smiles　and　answers：　“How　queer！　He　has　certainly　made　a　mistake。　Doesn’t　he　know　that　he　is　a　man；　a　mere　man；　while　I？　…　I　am　something　altogether　different；　higher。”
This　doubt　alone　often　beset　Pierre。　He　made　no　plans　of　any　sort　now。　The　happiness　before　him　seemed　to　him　so　incredible　that　the　only　thing　that　mattered　was　to　bring　it　to　pass；　and　nothing　could　be　beyond。　Everything　else　was　over。
A　joyful；　unexpected　frenzy；　of　which　Pierre　had　believed　himself　incapable；　seized　upon　him。　The　whole　meaning　of　life；　not　for　him　only；　but　for　all　the　world；　seemed　to　him　centred　in　his　love　and　the　possibility　of　her　loving　him。　Sometimes　all　men　seemed　to　him　to　be　absorbed　in　nothing　else　than　his　future　happiness。　It　seemed　to　him　sometimes　that　they　were　all　rejoicing　as　he　was　himself；　and　were　only　trying　to　conceal　that　joy；　by　pretending　to　be　occupied　with　other　interests。　In　every　word　and　gesture　he　saw　an　allusion　to　his　happiness。　He　often　surprised　people　by　his　significant　and　blissful　looks　and　smiles；　that　seemed　to　express　some　secret　understanding　with　them。　But　when　he　realised　that　people　could　not　know　of　his　happiness；　he　pitied　them　from　the　bottom　of　his　heart；　and　felt　an　impulse　to　try　to　make　them　somehow　understand　that　all　that　they　were　interested　in　was　utter　nonsense　and　trifles　not　deserving　of　attention。
When　suggestions　were　made　to　him　that　he　should　take　office　under　government；　or　when　criticisms　of　any　sort　on　general；　political　questions；　or　on　the　war；　were　made　before　him；　on　the　supposition　that　one　course　of　events　or　another　would　affect　the　happiness　of　all　men；　he　listened　with　a　gentle　smile　of　commiseration；　and　astounded　the　persons　conversing　with　him　by　his　strange　observations。　But　both　those　persons；　who　seemed　to　Pierre　to　grasp　the　true　significance　of　life；　that　is；　his　feeling；　and　those　luckless　wretches　who　obviously　had　no　notion　of　it—all　at　this　period　appeared　to　Pierre　in　the　radiant　light　of　his　own　glowing　feeling；　so　that　on　meeting　any　one；　he　saw　in　him　without　the　slightest　effort　everything　that　was　good　and　deserving　of　love。
As　he　looked　through　his　dead　wife’s　papers　and　belongings；　he　had　no　feeling　towards　her　memory　but　one　of　pity　that　she　had　not　known　the　happiness　he　knew　now。　Prince　Vassily；　who　was　particularly　haughty　just　then；　having　received　a　new　post　and　a　star；　struck　him　as　a　pathetic　and　kind…hearted　old　man；　very　much　to　be　pitied。
Often　afterwards　Pierre　recalled　that　time　of　happy　insanity。　All　the　judgments　he　formed　of　men　and　circumstances　during　that　period　remained　for　ever　true　to　him。　Far　from　renouncing　later　on　those　views　of　men　and　things；　on　the　contrary；　in　inner　doubts　and　contradictions；　he　flew　back　to　the　view　he　had　had　during　that　time　of　madness；　and　that　view　always　turned　out　to　be　a　true　one。
“Perhaps；”　he　thought；　“I　did　seem　strange　and　absurd　then；　but　I　was　not　so　mad　then　as　I　seemed。　On　the　contrary；　I　was　cleverer　and　had　more　insight　then　than　at　any　time；　and　I　understood　everything　worth　understanding　in　life；　because　…　I　was　happy。”
Pierre’s　madness　showed　itself　in　his　not　waiting；　as　in　old　days；　for　those　personal　grounds；　which　he　had　called　good　qualities　in　people；　in　order　to　love　them；　but　as　love　was　brimming　over　in　his　heart　he　loved　men　without　cause；　and　so　never　failed　to　discover　incontestable　reasons　that　made　them　worth　loving。


Chapter　20
FROM　THAT　FIRST　EVENING；　when　Natasha　had　said　to　Princess　Marya；　with　a　gaily　mocking　smile；　that　he　looked　exactly；　yes；　exactly；　as　if　he　had　come　out　of　a　bath　with　his　short　jacket　and　his　cropped　hair—from　that　minute　something　hidden　and　unrecognised　by　herself；　yet　irresistible；　awakened　in　Natasha’s　soul。
Everything—face；　gait；　eyes；　voice—everything　was　at　once　transformed　in　her。　To　her　own　surprise；　the　force　of　life　and　hopes　of　happiness　floated　to　the　surface　and　demanded　satisfaction。　From　that　first　evening　Natasha　seemed　to　have　forgotten　all　that　had　happened　to　her。　From　that　time　she　never　once　complained　of　her　position；　she　said　not　one　word　about　the　past；　and　was　not　afraid　of　already　making　light…hearted　plans　for　the　future。　She　spoke　little　of　Pierre；　but　when　Princess　Marya　mentioned　him；　a　light　that　had　long　been　dim　gleamed　in　her　eyes；　and　her　lips　curved　in　a　strange　smile。
The　change　that　took　place　in　Natasha　at　first　surprised　Princess　Marya；　but　when　she　understood　what　it　meant；　that　change　mortified　her。　“Can　she　have　loved　my　brother　so　little　that　she　can　so　soon　forget　him？”　thought　Princess　Marya；　when　she　thought　over　it　alone。　But　when　she　was　with　Natasha　she　was　not　vexed　with　her；　and　did　not　blame　her。　The　awakened　force　of　life　that　had　regained　possession　of　Natasha　was　obviously　so　irresistible　and　so　unexpected　by　herself；　that　in　Natasha’s　presence　Princess　Marya　felt　that　she　had　no　right　to　blame　her　even　in　her　heart。
Natasha　gave　herself　up　with　such　completeness　and　sincerity　to　her　new　feeling　that　she　did　not　even　attempt　to　conceal　that　she　was　not　now　sorrowful；　but　glad　and　happy。
When　Princess　Marya　had　returned　to　her　room　that　night　after　her　interview　with　Pierre；　Natasha　met　her　on　the　threshold。
“He　has　spoken？　Yes？　He　has　spoken？”　she　repeated。　And　a　joyful；　and　at　the　same　time　piteous；　expression；　that　begged　forgiveness　for　its　joy；　was　in　Natasha’s　face。　“I　wanted　to　listen　at　the　door；　but　I　knew　you　would　tell　me。”
Ready　as　Princess　Marya　was　to　understand　and　to　be　touched　by　the　expression　with　which　Natasha　looked　at　her；　and　much　as　she　felt　for　her　agitation；　yet　her　words　for　the　first　moment　mortified　her。　She　thought　of　her　brother　and　his　love。
“But　what　is　one　to　do？　She　cannot　help　it；”　thought　Princess　Marya；　and　with　a　sad　and　somewhat　severe　face　she　repeated　to　Natasha　all　Pierre　had　said　to　her。　Natasha　was　stupefied　to　hear　he　was　going　to　Petersburg。　“To　Petersburg！”　she　repeated；　as　though　unable　to　take　it　in。
But　looking　at　the　mournful　expression　of　Princess　Marya’s　face　she　divined　the　cause　of　her　sadness；　and　suddenly　burst　into　tears。
“Marie；”　she　said；　“tell　me　what　I　am　to　do。　I　am　afraid　of　being　horrid。　Whatever　you　say；　I　will　do；　tell　me　…”
“You　love　him？”
“Yes！”　whispered　Natasha。
“What　are　you　crying　for；　then？　I　am　very　glad　for　you；”　said　Princess　Marya；　moved　by　those　tears　to　complete　forgiveness　of　Natasha’s　joy。
“It　will　not　be　soon　…　some　day。　Only　think　how　happy　it　will　be　when　I　am　his　wife　and　you　marry　Nikolay！”
“Natasha；　I　have　begged　you　not　to　speak　of　that。　Let　us　talk　of　you。”
Both　were　silent。
“Only　why　go　to　Petersburg？”　cried　Natasha　suddenly；　and　she　hastened　to　answer　herself。　“No；　no；　it　must　be　so　…　Yes；　Marie？　It　must　be　…”


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