战争与和平(上)-第196章

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t　it’s　only　now　that　I　have　felt　such　love。　It’s　not　what　I　have　felt　before。　As　soon　as　I　saw　him；　I　felt　that　he　was　my　sovereign　and　I　was　his　slave；　and　that　I　could　not　help　loving　him。　Yes；　his　slave！　Whatever　he　bids　me；　I　shall　do。　You　don’t　understand　that。　What　am　I　to　do？　What　am　I　to　do；　Sonya？”　said　Natasha；　with　a　blissful　and　frightened　face。
“But　only　think　what　you　are　doing；”　said　Sonya。　“I　can’t　leave　it　like　this。　These　secret　letters　…　How　could　you　let　him　go　so　far　as　that？”　she　said；　with　a　horror　and　aversion　she　could　with　difficulty　conceal。
“I　have　told　you；”　answered　Natasha；　“that　I　have　no　will。　How　is　it　you　don’t　understand　that？　I　love　him！”
“Then　I　can’t　let　it　go　on　like　this。　I　shall　tell　about　it；”　cried　Sonya　with　a　burst　of　tears。
“What　…　for　God’s　sake　…　If　you　tell；　you　are　my　enemy；”　said　Natasha。　“You　want　to　make　me　miserable；　and　you　want　us　to　be　separated…”
On　seeing　Natasha’s　alarm；　Sonya　wept　tears　of　shame　and　pity　for　her　friend。
“But　what　has　passed　between　you？”　she　asked。　“What　has　he　said　to　you？　Why　doesn’t　he　come　to　the　house？”
Natasha　made　no　answer　to　her　question。
“For　God’s　sake；　Sonya；　don’t　tell　any　one；　don’t　torture　me；”　Natasha　implored　her。　“Remember　that　it　doesn’t　do　to　meddle　in　such　matters。　I　have　told　you　…”
“But　why　this　secrecy？　Why　doesn’t　he　come　to　the　house？”　Sonya　persisted。　“Why　doesn’t　he　ask　for　your　hand　straight　out？　Prince　Andrey；　you　know；　gave　you　complete　liberty；　if　it　really　is　so；　but　I　can’t　believe　in　it。　Natasha；　have　you　thought　what　the　secret　reasons　can　be？”
Natasha　looked　with　wondering　eyes　at　Sonya。　Evidently　it　was　the　first　time　that　question　had　presented　itself　to　her；　and　she　did　not　know　how　to　answer　it。
“What　the　reasons　are；　I　don’t　know。　But　there　must　be　reasons！”
Sonya　sighed　and　shook　her　head　distrustfully。
“If　there　were　reasons…”　she　was　beginning。　But　Natasha；　divining　her　doubts；　interrupted　her　in　dismay。
“Sonya；　you　mustn’t　doubt　of　him；　you　mustn’t；　you　mustn’t！　Do　you　understand？”　she　cried。
“Does　he　love　you？”
“Does　he　love　me？”　repeated　Natasha；　with　a　smile　of　compassion　for　her　friend’s　dullness　of　comprehension。　“Why；　you　have　read　his　letter；　haven’t　you？　You’ve　seen　him。”
“But　if　he　is　a　dishonourable　man？”
“He！　…　a　dishonourable　man？　If　only　you　knew！”　said　Natasha。
“If　he　is　an　honourable　man；　he　ought　either　to　explain　his　intentions；　or　to　give　up　seeing　you；　and　if　you　won’t　do　that；　I　will　do　it。　I’ll　write　to　him。　I’ll　tell　papa；”　said　Sonya　resolutely。
“But　I　can’t　live　without　him！”　cried　Natasha。
“Natasha；　I　don’t　understand　you。　And　what　are　you　saying？　Think　of　your　father；　of　Nikolenka。”
“I　don’t　care　for　any　one；　I　don’t　love　any　one　but　him。　How　dare　you　say　he’s　dishonourable！　Don’t　you　know　that　I　love　him？”　cried　Natasha。　“Sonya；　go　away；　I　don’t　want　to　quarrel　with　you；　go　away；　for　God’s　sake；　go　away；　you　see　how　wretched　I　am；”　cried　Natasha　angrily；　in　a　voice　of　repressed　irritation　and　despair。　Sonya　burst　into　sobs　and　ran　out　of　the　room。
Natasha　went　to　the　table；　and　without　a　moment’s　reflection　wrote　that　answer　to　Princess　Marya；　which　she　had　been　unable　to　write　all　the　morning。　In　her　letter　she　told　Princess　Marya　briefly　that　all　misunderstandings　between　them　were　at　an　end；　as　taking　advantage　of　the　generosity　of　Prince　Andrey；　who　had　at　parting　given　her　full　liberty；　she　begged　her　to　forget　everything　and　forgive　if　she　had　been　in　fault　in　any　way；　but　she　could　not　be　his　wife。　It　all　seemed　to　her　so　easy；　so　simple；　and　so　clear　at　that　moment。
The　Rostovs　were　to　return　to　the　country　on　Friday；　but　on　Wednesday　the　count　went　with　the　intending　purchaser　to　his　estate　near　Moscow。
On　the　day　the　count　left；　Sonya　and　Natasha　were　invited　to　a　big　dinner…party　at　Julie　Karagin’s；　and　Marya　Dmitryevna　took　them。　At　that　dinner　Natasha　met　Anatole　again；　and　Sonya　noticed　that　Natasha　said　something　to　him；　trying　not　to　be　overheard；　and　was　all　through　the　dinner　more　excited　than　before。　When　they　got　home；　Natasha　was　the　first　to　enter　upon　the　conversation　with　Sonya　that　her　friend　was　expecting。
“Well；　Sonya；　you　said　all　sorts　of　silly　things　about　him；”　Natasha　began　in　a　meek　voice；　the　voice　in　which　children　speak　when　they　want　to　be　praised　for　being　good。　“I　have　had　it　all　out　with　him　to…day。”
“Well；　what　did　he　say？　Well？　Come；　what　did　he　say？　Natasha；　I’m　so　glad　you’re　not　angry　with　me。　Tell　me　everything；　all　the　truth。　What　did　he　say？”
Natasha　sank　into　thought。
“O　Sonya；　if　you　knew　him　as　I　do！　He　said　…　He　asked　me　what　promise　I　had　given　Bolkonsky。　He　was　so　glad　that　I　was　free　to　refuse　him。”
Sonya　sighed　dejectedly。
“But　you　haven’t　refused　Bolkonsky；　have　you？”　she　said。
“Oh；　perhaps　I　have　refused　him！　Perhaps　it’s　all　at　an　end　with　Bolkonsky。　Why　do　you　think　so　ill　of　me？”
“I　don’t　think　anything；　only　I　don’t　understand　this。…”
“Wait　a　little；　Sonya；　you　will　understand　it　all。　You　will　see　the　sort　of　man　he　is。　Don’t　think　ill　of　me；　or　of　him。”
“I　don’t　think　ill　of　any　one；　I　like　every　one　and　am　sorry　for　every　one。　But　what　am　I　to　do？”
Sonya　would　not　let　herself　be　won　over　by　the　affectionate　tone　Natasha　took　with　her。　The　softer　and　the　more　ingratiating　Natasha’s　face　became；　the　more　serious　and　stern　became　the　face　of　Sonya。
“Natasha；”　she　said；　“you　asked　me　not　to　speak　to　you；　and　I　haven’t　spoken；　now　you　have　begun　yourself。　Natasha；　I　don’t　trust　him。　Why　this　secrecy？”
“Again；　again！”　interrupted　Natasha。
“Natasha；　I　am　afraid　for　you。”
“What　is　there　to　be　afraid　of？”
“I　am　afraid　you　will　be　ruined；”　said　Sonya　resolutely；　herself　horrified　at　what　she　was　saying。
Natasha’s　face　expressed　anger　again。
“Then　I　will　be　ruined；　I　will；　I’ll　hasten　to　my　ruin。　It’s　not　your　business。　It’s　not　you；　but　I；　will　suffer　for　it。　Leave　me　alone；　leave　me　alone。　I　hate　you！”
“Natasha！”　Sonya　appealed　to　her　in　dismay。
“I　hate　you；　I　hate　you！　And　you’re　my　enemy　for　ever！”
Natasha　ran　out　of　the　room。
Natasha　avoided　Sonya　and　did　not　speak　to　her　again。　With　the　same　expression　of　agitated　wonder　and　guilt　she　wandered　about　the　rooms；　taking　up　first　one　occupation　and　then　another；　and　throwing　them　aside　again　at　once。
Hard　as　it　was　for　Sonya；　she　kept　watch　over　her　friend　and　never　let　her　out　of　her　sight。
On　the　day　before　that　fixed　for　the　count’s　return；　Sonya　noticed　that　Natasha　sat　all　the　morning　at　the　drawing…room　window；　as　though　expecting　something；　and　that　she　made　a　sign　to　an　officer　who　passed　by；　whom　Sonya　took　to　be　Anatole。
Sonya　began　watching　her　friend　even　more　attentively；　and　she　noticed　that　all　dinner…time　and　in　the　evening　Natasha　was　in　a　strange　and　unnatural　state；　unlike　herself。　She　made　irrelevant　replies　to　questions　asked　her；　began　sentences　and　did　not　finish　them；　and　laughed　at　everything。
After　tea　Sonya　saw　the　maid　timidly　waiting　for　her　to　pass　at　Natasha’s　door。　She　let　her　go　in；　and　listening　at　the　door；　found　out　that　another　letter　had　been　given　her。　And　all　at　once　it　was　clear　to　Sonya　that　Natasha　had　some　dreadful　plan　for　that　evening。　Sonya　knocked　at　her　door。　Natasha　would　not　let　her　in。
“She　is　going　to　run　away　with　him！”　thought　Sonya。　“She　is　capable　of　anything。　There　was　something　particularly　piteous　and　determined　in　her　face　to…day。　She　cried　as　she　said　good…bye　to　uncle；”　Sonya　remembered。　“Yes；　it’s　certain；　she’s　going　to　run　away　with　him；　but　what　am　I　to　do？”　wondered　Sonya；　recalling　now　all　the　signs　that　so　clearly　betokened　some　dreadful　resolution　on　Natasha’s　part。　“The　count　is　not　here。　What　am　I　to　do？　Write　to　Kuragin；　demanding　an　explanation　from　him？　But　who　is　to　make　him　answer？　Write　to　Pierre；　as　Prince　Andrey　asked　me　to　do　in　case　of　trouble？　…　But　perhaps　she　really　has　refused　Bolkonsky　（she　sent　off　a　letter　to　Princess　Marya　yesterday）。　Uncle　is　not　here。”
To　tell　Marya　Dmitryevna；　who　had　such　faith　in　Natasha；　seemed　to　Sonya　a　fearful　step　to　take。
“But　one　way　or　another；”　t