战争与和平(上)-第176章

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。　I　shall　never　forget　it；　I　felt　sad　and　sorry　for　every　one；　sorry　for　myself；　and　for　every—every　one。　And　what　was　the　chief　point；　I　wasn’t　to　blame；”　said　Natasha；　“do　you　remember？”
“I　remember；”　said　Nikolay。　“I　remember　that　I　came　to　you　afterwards；　and　I　longed　to　comfort　you；　but　you　know；　I　felt　ashamed　to。　Awfully　funny　we　used　to　be。　I　had　a　wooden　doll　then；　and　I　wanted　to　give　it　you。　Do　you　remember？”
“And　do　you　remember；”　said　Natasha；　with　a　pensive　smile；　“how　long；　long　ago；　when　we　were　quite　little；　uncle　called　us　into　the　study　in　the　old　house；　and　it　was　dark；　we　went　in；　and　all　at　once　there　stood…”
“A　Negro；”　Nikolay　finished　her　sentence　with　a　smile　of　delight；　“of　course；　I　remember。　To　this　day　I　don’t　know　whether　there　really　was　a　Negro；　or　whether　we　dreamed　it；　or　were　told　about　it。”
“He　was　grey…headed；　do　you　remember；　and　had　white　teeth；　he　stood　and　looked　at　us…”
“Do　you　remember；　Sonya？”　asked　Nikolay。
“Yes；　yes；　I　do　remember　something　too；”　Sonya　answered　timidly。
“You　know　I　have　often　asked　both　papa　and　mamma　about　that　Negro；”　said　Natasha。　“They　say　there　never　was　a　Negro　at　all。　But　you　remember　him！”
“Of　course；　I　do。　I　remember　his　teeth；　as　if　it　were　to…day。”
“How　strange　it　is；　as　though　it　were　a　dream。　I　like　that。”
“And　do　you　remember　how　we　were　rolling　eggs　in　the　big　hall；　and　all　of　a　sudden　two　old　women　came　in；　and　began　whirling　round　on　the　carpet。　Did　that　happen　or　not？　Do　you　remember　what　fun　it　was？”
“Yes。　And　do　you　remember　how　papa；　in　a　blue　coat；　fired　a　gun　off　on　the　steps？”
Smiling　with　enjoyment；　they　went　through　their　reminiscences；　not　the　melancholy　memories　of　old　age；　but　the　romantic　memories　of　youth；　those　impressions　of　the　remotest　past　in　which　dreamland　melts　into　reality。　They　laughed　with　quiet　pleasure。
Sonya　was；　as　always；　left　behind　by　them；　though　their　past　had　been　spent　together。
Sonya　did　not　remember　much　of　what　they　recalled；　and　what　she　did　remember；　did　not　rouse　the　same　romantic　feeling　in　her。　She　was　simply　enjoying　their　pleasure；　and　trying　to　share　it。
She　could　only　enter　into　it　fully　when　they　recalled　Sonya’s　first　arrival。　Sonya　described　how　she　had　been　afraid　of　Nikolay；　because　he　had　cording　on　his　jacket；　and　the　nurse　had　told　her　that　they　would　tie　her　up　in　cording　too。
“And　I　remember；　I　was　told　you　were　found　under　a　cabbage；”　said　Natasha；　“and　I　remember　I　didn’t　dare　to　disbelieve　it　then；　though　I　knew　it　was　untrue；　and　I　felt　so　uncomfortable。”
During　this　conversation　a　maid　popped　her　head　in　at　a　door　leading　into　the　divan…room。
“Miss；　they’ve　brought　you　a　cock；”　she　said　in　a　whisper。
“I　don’t　want　it；　Polya；　tell　them　to　take　it　away；”　said　Natasha。
In　the　middle　of　their　talk　in　the　divan…room；　Dimmler　came　into　the　room；　and　went　up　to　the　harp　that　stood　in　the　corner。　He　took　off　the　cloth…case；　and　the　harp　gave　a　jarring　sound。　“Edward　Karlitch；　do；　please；　play　my　favourite　nocturne　of　M。　Field；”　said　the　voice　of　the　old　countess　from　the　drawing…room。
Dimmler　struck　a　chord；　and　turning　to　Natasha；　Nikolay；　and　Sonya；　he　said；　“How　quiet　you　young　people　are！”
“Yes；　we’re　talking　philosophy；”　said　Natasha；　looking　round　for　a　minute　and　going　on　with　the　conversation。　They　were　talking　now　about　dreams。
Dimmler　began　to　play。　Natasha　went　noiselessly　on　tiptoe　to　the　table；　took　the　candle；　carried　it　away；　and　going　back；　sat　quietly　in　her　place。　It　was　dark　in　the　room；　especially　where　they　were　sitting　on　the　sofa；　but　the　silver　light　of　the　full　moon　shone　in　at　the　big　windows　and　lay　on　the　floor。
“Do　you　know；　I　think；”　said　Natasha；　in　a　whisper；　moving　up　to　Nikolay　and　Sonya；　when　Dimmler　had　finished；　and　still　sat；　faintly　twanging　the　strings；　in　evident　uncertainty　whether　to　leave　off　playing　or　begin　something　new；　“that　one　goes　on　remembering；　and　remembering；　one　remembers　till　one　recalls　what　happened　before　one　was　in　this　world。…”
“That’s　metempsychosis；”　said　Sonya；　who　had　been　good　at　lessons；　and　remembered　all　she　had　learned。　“The　Egyptians　used　to　believe　that　our　souls　had　been　in　animals；　and　would　go　into　animals　again。”
“No；　do　you　know；　I　don’t　believe　that　we　were　once　in　animals；”　said　Natasha；　still　in　the　same　whisper；　though　the　music　was　over；　“but　I　know　for　certain　that　we　were　once　angels　somewhere　beyond；　and　we　have　been　here；　and　that’s　why　we　remember　everything。…”
“May　I　join　you？”　said　Dimmler；　coming　up　quietly；　and　he　sat　down　by　them。
“If　we　had　been　angels；　why　should　we　have　fallen　lower？”　said　Nikolay。　“No；　that　can’t　be！”
“Not　lower…who　told　you　we　were　lower？…This　is　how　I　know　I　have　existed　before；”　Natasha　replied；　with　conviction：　“The　soul　is　immortal；　you　know…so；　if　I　am　to　live　for　ever；　I　have　lived　before　too；　I　have　lived　for　all　eternity。”
“Yes；　but　it’s　hard　for　us　to　conceive　of　eternity；”　said　Dimmler；　who　had　joined　the　young　people；　with　a　mildly　condescending　smile；　but　now　talked　as　quietly　and　seriously　as　they　did。
“Why　is　it　hard　to　conceive　of　eternity？”　said　Natasha。　“There　will　be　to…day；　and　there　will　be　to…morrow；　and　there　will　be　for　ever；　and　yesterday　has　been；　and　the　day　before。…”
“Natasha！　now　it’s　your　turn。　Sing　me　something；”　called　the　voice　of　the　countess。　“Why　are　you　sitting　there　so　quietly；　like　conspirators？”
“Mamma；　I　don’t　want　to　a　bit！”　said　Natasha；　but　she　got　up　as　she　said　it。
None　of　them；　not　even　Dimmler；　who　was　not　young；　wanted　to　break　off　the　conversation；　and　come　out　of　the　corner　of　the　divan…room；　but　Natasha　stood　up；　and　Nikolay　sat　down　to　the　clavichord。　Standing；　as　she　always　did；　in　the　middle　of　the　room；　and　choosing　the　place　where　the　resonance　was　greatest；　Natasha　began　singing　her　mother’s　favourite　song。
She　had　said　she　did　not　want　to　sing；　but　it　was　long　since　she　had　sung；　and　long　before　she　sang　again　as　she　sang　that　evening。　Count　Ilya　Andreitch　listened　to　her　singing　from　his　study；　where　he　was　talking　to　Mitenka；　and　like　a　schoolboy　in　haste　to　finish　his　lesson　and　run　out　to　play；　he　blundered　in　his　orders　to　the　steward；　and　at　last　paused；　and　Mitenka　stood　silent　and　smiling　before　him；　listening　too。　Nikolay　never　took　his　eyes　off　his　sister；　and　drew　his　breath　when　she　did。　Sonya；　as　she　listened；　thought　of　the　vast　difference　between　her　and　her　friend；　and　how　impossible　it　was　for　her　to　be　in　ever　so　slight　a　degree　fascinating　like　her　cousin。　The　old　countess　sat　with　a　blissful；　but　mournful　smile；　and　tears　in　her　eyes；　and　now　and　then　she　shook　her　head。　She；　too；　was　thinking　of　Natasha　and　of　her　own　youth；　and　of　how　there　was　something　terrible　and　unnatural　in　Natasha’s　marrying　Prince　Andrey。
Dimmler；　sitting　by　the　countess；　listened　with　closed　eyes。　“No；　countess；”　he　said；　at　last；　“that’s　a　European　talent；　she　has　no　need　of　teaching：　that　softness；　tenderness；　strength…”
“Ah；　I’m　afraid　for　her；　I’m　afraid；”　said　the　countess；　not　remembering　with　whom　she　was　speaking。　Her　motherly　instinct　told　her　that　there　was　too　much　of　something　in　Natasha；　and　that　it　would　prevent　her　being　happy。
Natasha　had　not　finished　singing　when　fourteen…year…old　Petya　ran　in　great　excitement　into　the　room　to　announce　the　arrival　of　the　mummers。
Natasha　stopped　abruptly。
“Idiot！”　she　screamed　at　her　brother。　She　ran　to　a　chair；　sank　into　it；　and　broke　into　such　violent　sobbing　that　it　was　a　long　while　before　she　could　stop。
“It’s　nothing；　mamma；　it’s　nothing　really；　it’s　all　right；　Petya　startled　me；”　she　said；　trying　to　smile；　but　the　tears　still　flowed；　and　the　sobs　still　choked　her。
The　mummers—house…serfs　dressed　up　as　bears；　Turks；　tavern…keepers；　and　ladies—awe…inspiring　or　comic　figures；　at　first　huddled　shyly　together　in　the　vestibule；　bringing　in　with　them　the　freshness　of　the　cold　outside；　and　a　feeling　of　gaiety。　Then；　hiding　behind　one　another；　they　crowded　together　in　the　big　hall；　and　at　first　with　constraint；　but　afterwards　with　more　liveliness　and　unanimity；　they　started　singing　songs；　and　performing　dances；　and　songs　wi