brideshead+revisited-第29章

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lone。　By　the　blue　waters　and　rustling　palms　of　his　own　mind　he　was　happy　and　harmless　as　a　Polynesian；　only　when　the　big　ship　dropped　anchor　beyond　the　coral　reef；　and　the　cutter　beached　in　the　lagoon；　and；　up　the　slope　that　had　never　known　the　print　of　a　boot；　there　trod　the　grim　invasion　of　trader；　administrator；　missionary；　and　tourist　…　only　then　was　it　time　to　disinter　the　archaic　weapons　of　the　tribe　and　…sound　the　drums　in　the　hills；　or；　more　easily；　to　turn　from　the　sunlit　door　and　lie　alone　in　the　darkness；　；　where　the　impotent；　painted　deities　paraded　the　walls　in　vain　and　cough　his　heart　out　among　the　rum　bottles。
　　　　And；　since　Sebastian　counted　among　the　intruders　his　own　conscience　and　all　claims　of　human　affection；　his　days　in　Arcadia　were　numbered。　For　in　this；　to　me；　tranquil　time　Sebastian　took　fright。　I　knew　him　well　in　that　mood　of　alertness　and　suspicion；　like　a　deer　suddenly　lifting　his　head　at　the　far　notes　of　the　hunt；　I　had　seen　him　grow　wary　at　the　thought　of　his　family　or　his　religion；　now　I　found　I；　too；　was　suspect。　He　did　not　fail　in　love；　but　he　lost　his　joy　of　it；　for　I　was　no　longer　part　of　his　solitude。　As　my　intimacy　with　his　family　grew；　I　became　part　of　the　world　which　he　sought　to　escape；　I　became　one　of　the　bonds　which　held　him。　That　was　the　part　for　which　his　mother；　in　all　our　little　talks；　was　seeking　to　fit　me。　Everything　was　left　unsaid。　It　was　only　dimly　and　at　rare　moments　that　I　suspected　what　was　afoot。
　　　　Outwardly　Mr　Samgrass　was　the　only　enemy。　For　a　fortnight　Sebastian　and　I　remained　at　Brideshead；　leading　our　own　life。　His　brother　was　engaged　in　sport　and　estate　management；　Mr　Samgrass　was　at　work　in　the　library　on　Lady　Marchmain's　book；　Sir　Adrian　Porson　demanded　most　of　Lady　Marchmain's　time。　We　saw　little　of　them　except　in　the　evenings；　there　was　room　under　that　wide　roof　for　a　wide　variety　of　independent　lives。
　　　　After　a　fortnight　Sebastian　said：　'I　can't　stand　Mr　Samgrass　any　more。　Let's　go　to　London；'　so　he　came　to　stay　with　me　and　now　began　to　use　my　home　in　preference　to　'Marchers'。　My　father　liked　him。　'I　think　your　friend　very　amusing；'　he　said。　'Ask　him　often。'

　　　　Then；　back　at　Oxford；　we　took　up　again　the　life　that　seemed　to　be　shrinking　in　the　cold　air。　The　sadness　that　had　been　strong　in　Sebastian　the　term　before　gave　place　to　kind　of　sullenness；　even　towards　me。　He　was　sick　at　heart　somewhere；　I　did　not　know　how；　and　I　grieved　for　him；　unable　to　help。
　　　　When　he　was　gay　now　it　was　usually　because　he　was　drunk；　and　when　drunk　he　developed　an　obsession　of　'mocking　Mr　Samgrass'。　He　posed　a　ditty　of　which　the　refrain　was；　'Green　arse；　Samgrass　…　Samgrass　green　arse'；　sung　to　the　tune　of　St　Mary's　chime；　and　he　would　thus　serenade　him；　perhaps　once　a　week；　under　his　windows。　Mr　Samgrass　was　distinguished　as　being　the　first　don　to　have　a　private　telephone　installed　in　his　rooms。　Sebastian　in　his　cups　used　to　ring　him　up　and　sing　him　this　simple　song。　And　all　this　Mr　Samgrass　took　in　good　part；　as　it　is　called；　smiling　obsequiously　when　we　met；　but　with　growing　confidence；　as　though　each　outrage　in　some　way　strengthened　his　hold　on　Sebastian。
　　　　It　was　during　this　term　that　I　began　to　realize　that　Sebastian　was　a　drunkard　in　quite　a　different　sense　to　myself　I　got　drunk　often；　but　through　an　excess　of　high　spirits；　in　the　love　of　the　moment；　and　the　wish　to　prolong　and　enhance　it；　Sebastian　drank　to　escape。　As　we　together　grew　older　and　more　serious　I　drank　less；　he　more。　I　found　that　sometimes　after　I　had　gone　back　to　my　college；　he　sat　up　late　and　alone；　soaking。　A　succession　of　disasters　came　on　him　so　swiftly　and　with　such　unexpected　violence　that　it　is　hard　to　say　when　exactly　I　recognized　that　my　friend　was　in　deep　trouble。　I　knew　it　well　enough　in　the　Easter　vacation。
　　　　Julia　used　to　say；　'Poor　Sebastian。　It's　something　chemical　in　him。'
　　　　That　was　the　cant　phrase　of　the　time；　derived　from　heaven　knows　what　misconception　of　popular　science。　'There's　something　chemical　between　them'　was　used　to　explain　the　over…mastering　hate　or　love　of　any　two　people。　It　was　the　old　concept　in　a　new　form。　I　do　not　believe　there　was　anything　chemical　in　my　friend。
　　　　The　Easter　party　at　Brideshead　was　a　bitter　time；　culminating　in　a　small　but　unforgettably　painful　incident。　Sebastian　got　very　drunk　before　dinner　in　his　mother's　house；　and　thus　marked　the　beginning　of　a　new　epoch　in　his　melancholy　record；　another　stride　in　the　flight　from　his　family　which　brought　him　to　ruin。
　　　　It　was　at　the　end　of　the　day　when　the　large　Easter　party　left　Brideshead。　It　was　called　the　Easter　party；　though　in　fact　it　began　on　the　Tuesday　of　Easter　Week；　for　the　Flytes　all　went　into　retreat　at　the　guest…house　of　a　monastery　from　Maundy　Thursday　until　Easter。　This　year　Sebastian　had　said　he　would　not　go；　but　at　the　last　moment　had　yielded；　and　came　home　in　a　state　of　acute　depression　from　which　I　totally　failed　to　raise　him。
　　　　He　had　been　drinking　very　hard　for　a　week　…　only　I　knew　how　hard　…　and　drinking　in　a　nervous；　surreptitious　way；　totally　unlike　his　old　habit。　During　the　party　there　was　always　a　grog　tray　in　the　library；　and　Sebastian　took　to　slipping　in　there　at　odd　moments　during　the　day　without　saying　anything　even　to　me。　The　house　was　largely　deserted　during　the　day。　I　was　at　work　painting　another　panel　in　the　little　garden…room　in　the　colonnade。　Sebastian　plained　of　a　cold；　stayed　in；　and　during　all　that　time　was　never　quite　sober；　he　escaped　attention　by　being　silent。　Now　and　then　I　noticed　him　attract　curious　glances；　but　most　of　the　party　knew　him　too　slightly　to　see　the　change　in　him；　while　his　own　family　were　occupied；　each　with　their　particular　guests。
　　　　When　I　remonstrated　he　said；　'I　can't　stand　all　these　people　about；〃　but　it　was　when　they　finally　left　and　he　had　to　face　his　family　at　close　quarters　that　he　broke　down。　
　　　　The　normal　practice　was　for　a　cocktail　tray　to　be　brought　into　the　drawing…room　at　six；　we　mixed　our　own　drinks　and　the　bottles　were　removed　when　we　went　to　dress；　later；　just　before　dinner；　cocktails　appeared　again；　this　time　handed　round　by　the　footmen。
　　　　Sebastian　disappeared　after　tea；　the　light　had　gone　and　I　spent　the　next　hour　playing　mah…jongg　with　Cordelia。　At　six　I　was　alone　in　the　drawing…room；　when　he　returned；　he　was　frowning　in　a　way　I　knew　all　too　well；　and　when　he　spoke　I　recognized　the　drunken　thickening　in　his　voice。
　　　　'Haven't　they　brought　the　cocktails　yet？'　He　pulled　clumsily　on　the　bell…rope。
　　　　I　said；　'Where　have　you　been？'
　　　　'Up　with　nanny。'
　　　　'I　don't　believe　it。　You've　been　drinking　somewhere。'
　　　　'I've　been　reading　in　my　room。　My　cold's　worse　today。'　When　the　tray　arrived　he　slopped　gin　and　vermouth　into　a　tumbler　and　carried　it　out　of　the　room　with　him。　I　followed　him　upstairs；　where　he　shut　his　bedroom　door　in　my　face　and　turned　the　key。
　　　　I　returned　to　the　drawing…room　full　of　dismay　and　foreboding。
　　　　The　family　assembled。　Lady　Marchmain　said：　'What's　bee　of　Sebastian？'
　　　　'He's　gone　to　lie　down。　His　cold　is　worse。'
　　　　'Oh　dear；　I　hope　he　isn't　getting　flu。　I　thought　he　had　a　feverish　look　once　or　twice　lately。　Is　there　anything　he　wants？'
　　　　'No；　he　particularly　asked　not　to　be　disturbed。'
　　　　I　wondered　whether　I　ought　to　speak　to　Brideshead；　but　that　grim；　rock…crystal　mask　forbade　all　confidence。　Instead；　on　the　way　upstairs　to　dress；　I　told　Julia。
　　　　'Sebastian's　drunk。'
　　　　'He　can't　be。　He　didn't　even　e　for　a　cocktail。'
　　　　'He's　been　drinking　in。　his　room　all　the　afternoon。'
　　　　'How　very　peculiar！　What　a　bore　he　is！　Will　he　be　all　right　for　dinner？'
　　　　'No。'
　　　　'Well；　you　must　deal　with　him。　It's　no　business　of　mine。　Does　he　often　do　this？'
　　　　'He　has　lately。'
　　　　'How　very　boring。'
　　　　I　tried　Sebastian's　door；　found　it　locked；　and　hoped　he　was　sleeping；　but；　when　I　came　back　from　my　bath；　I　found　him　sitting　in　the　chair　before　my　fire；　he　was　dressed　for　dinner；　all　but　his　shoes；　but　his　tie　was　awry　and　his　hair　on　end；　he　was　very　red　in　the　face　and　squinting　slightly。　He　spoke　indistinctly。
　　　　'Charles；　what　you　said　was　quite　true。　Not　with　nanny。　Been　drinking　whisky　up　here。　None　in　the　library　now　party's　gone。　Now　party's　gone　and　only　mum