20-amended obituaries-第1章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！







AMENDED　OBITUARIES



TO　THE　EDITOR：





Sir；I　am　approaching　seventy；　it　is　in　sight；　it　is　only　three

years　away。　　Necessarily；　I　must　go　soon。　　It　is　but　matter…of…course

wisdom；　then；　that　I　should　begin　to　set　my　worldly　house　in

order　now；　so　that　it　may　be　done　calmly　and　with　thoroughness；

in　place　of　waiting　until　the　last　day；　when；　as　we　have　often　seen；

the　attempt　to　set　both　houses　in　order　at　the　same　time　has　been

marred　by　the　necessity　for　haste　and　by　the　confusion　and　waste

of　time　arising　from　the　inability　of　the　notary　and　the　ecclesiastic

to　work　together　harmoniously；　taking　turn　about　and　giving　each

other　friendly　assistancenot　perhaps　in　fielding；　which　could

hardly　be　expected；　but　at　least　in　the　minor　offices　of　keeping

game　and　umpiring；　by　consequence　of　which　conflict　of　interests

and　absence　of　harmonious　action　a　draw　has　frequently　resulted

where　this　ill…fortune　could　not　have　happened　if　the　houses　had　been

set　in　order　one　at　a　time　and　hurry　avoided　by　beginning　in　season；

and　giving　to　each　the　amount　of　time　fairly　and　justly　proper　to　it。



In　setting　my　earthly　house　in　order　I　find　it　of　moment　that　I

should　attend　in　person　to　one　or　two　matters　which　men　in　my

position　have　long　had　the　habit　of　leaving　wholly　to　others；

with　consequences　often　most　regrettable。　　I　wish　to　speak　of　only

one　of　these　matters　at　this　time：　　Obituaries。　　Of　necessity；

an　Obituary　is　a　thing　which　cannot　be　so　judiciously　edited　by　any　hand

as　by　that　of　the　subject　of　it。　　In　such　a　work　it　is　not　the　Facts

that　are　of　chief　importance；　but　the　light　which　the　obituarist

shall　throw　upon　them；　the　meaning　which　he　shall　dress　them　in；

the　conclusions　which　he　shall　draw　from　them；　and　the　judgments

which　he　shall　deliver　upon　them。　　The　Verdicts；　you　understand：　

that　is　the　danger…line。



In　considering　this　matter；　in　view　of　my　approaching　change；

it　has　seemed　to　me　wise　to　take　such　measures　as　may　be　feasible；

to　acquire；　by　courtesy　of　the　press；　access　to　my　standing　obituaries；

with　the　privilegeif　this　is　not　asking　too　muchof　editing；

not　their　Facts；　but　their　Verdicts。　　This；　not　for　the　present　profit；

further　than　as　concerns　my　family；　but　as　a　favorable　influence

usable　on　the　Other　Side；　where　there　are　some　who　are　not　friendly

to　me。



With　this　explanation　of　my　motives；　I　will　now　ask　you　of　your

courtesy　to　make　an　appeal　for　me　to　the　public　press。　　It　is　my

desire　that　such　journals　and　periodicals　as　have　obituaries　of　me

lying　in　their　pigeonholes；　with　a　view　to　sudden　use　some　day；

will　not　wait　longer；　but　will　publish　them　now；　and　kindly　send

me　a　marked　copy。　　My　address　is　simply　New　York　CityI　have　no

other　that　is　permanent　and　not　transient。



I　will　correct　themnot　the　Facts；　but　the　Verdictsstriking　out

such　clauses　as　could　have　a　deleterious　influence　on　the　Other　Side；

and　replacing　them　with　clauses　of　a　more　judicious　character。　

I　should；　of　course；　expect　to　pay　double　rates　for　both　the　omissions

and　the　substitutions；　and　I　should　also　expect　to　pay　quadruple

rates　for　all　obituaries　which　proved　to　be　rightly　and　wisely　worded

in　the　originals；　thus　requiring　no　emendations　at　all。



It　is　my　desire　to　leave　these　Amended　Obituaries　neatly　bound

behind　me　as　a　perennial　consolation　and　entertainment　to　my　family；

and　as　an　heirloom　which　shall　have　a　mournful　but　definite

commercial　value　for　my　remote　posterity。



I　beg；　sir；　that　you　will　insert　this　Advertisement　（1t…eow；　agate；

inside）；　and　send　the　bill　to



Yours　very　respectfully。



Mark　Twain。





P。S。For　the　best　Obituaryone　suitable　for　me　to　read　in　public；

and　calculated　to　inspire　regretI　desire　to　offer　a　Prize；

consisting　of　a　Portrait　of　me　done　entirely　by　myself　in　pen　and　ink

without　previous　instructions。　　The　ink　warranted　to　be　the　kind

used　by　the　very　best　artists。