hemingway, ernest - garden of eden-第32章

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Now　Juma　had　worked　out　the　trail　and　motioned　to　his　father　and　they　started　on。

My　father　doesn't　need　to　kill　elephants　to　live；　David　thought。　Juma　would　not　have　found　him　if　I　had　not　seen　him。　He　had　his　chance　at　him　and　all　he　did　was　wound　him　and　kill　his　friend。　Kibo　and　I　found　him　and　I　never　should　have　told　them　and　I　should　have　kept　him　secret　and　had　him　always　and　let　them　stay　drunk　with　their　hi　his　at　the　beer　shamba。　Juma　was　so　drunk　we　could　not　wake　him。　I'm　going　to　keep　everything　a　secret　always。　I'll　never　tell　them　anything　again。　If　they　kill　him　Juma　will　drink　his　share　of　the　ivory　or　just　buy　himself　another　god　damn　wife。　Why　didn't　you　help　the　elephant　when　you　could？　All　you　had　to　do　was　not　go　on　the　second　day。　No；　that　wouldn't　have　stopped　them。　Juma　would　have　gone　on。　You　never　should　have　told　them。　Never；　never　tell　them。　Try　and　remember　that。　Never　tell　anyone　anything　ever。　Never　tell　anyone　anything　again。

His　father　waited　for　him　to　come　up　and　said　very　gently；　〃He　rested　here。　He's　not　travelling　as　he　was。　We'll　be　up　on　him　anytime　now。〃

〃Fuck　elephant　hunting；〃　David　had　said　very　quietly。

〃What's　that？〃　his　father　asked。

〃Fuck　elephant　hunting；〃　David　said　softly。
i8o
。　。


〃Be　careful　you　don't　fuck　it　up；〃　his　father　had　said　to　him　and　looked　at　him　flatly。

That's　one　thing；　David　had　thought。　He's　not　stupid。　He　knows　all　about　it　now　and　he　will　never　trust　me　again。　That's　good。　I　don't　want　him　to　because　I'll　never　ever　tell　him　or　anybody　anything　again　never　anything　again。　Never　ever　never。

That　was　where　he　stopped　in　the　hunt　that　morning。　He　knew　he　did　not　have　it　right　yet。　He　had　not　gotten　the　enormity　of　the　skull　as　they　had　come　onto　it　in　the　forest　nor　the　tunnels　underneath　it　in　the　earth　that　the　beetles　had　made　and　that　had　been　revealed　like　deserted　galleries　or　catacombs　when　the　elephant　had　moved　the　skull。　He　had　not　made　the　great　length　of　the　whitened　bones　nor　how　the　elephant's　tracks　had　moved　around　the　scene　of　the　killing　and　how　following　them　he　had　been　able　to　see　the　elephant　as　he　had　moved　and　then　had　been　able　to　see　what　the　elephant　had　seen。　He　had　not　gotten　the　great　width　of　the　one　elephant　trail　that　was　a　perfect　road　through　the　forest　nor　the　worn　smooth　rubbing　trees　nor　the　way　other　trails　intersected　so　that　they　were　like　the　map　of　the　Metro　in　Paris。　He　had　not　made　the　light　in　the　forest　where　the　trees　came　together　at　their　tops　and　he　had　not　clarified　certain　things　that　he　must　make　as　they　were　then；　not　as　he　recalled　them　now。　The　distances　did　not　matter　since　all　dis　tances　changed　and　how　you　remembered　them　was　how　they　were。　But　his　change　of　feeling　toward　Juma　and　toward　his　father　and　toward　the　elephant　was　complicated　by　the　exhaustion　that　had　bred　it。　Tiredness　brought　the　beginning　of　under　standing。　The　understanding　was　beginning　and　he　was　realizing　it　as　he　wrote。　But　the　dreadful　true　understanding　was　all　to　come　and　he　must　not　show　it　by　arbitrary　statements　of　rhetoric　but　by　remembering　the　actual　things　that　had　brought　it。　Tomorrow　he　would　get　the　things　right　and　then　go　on。

He　put　the　cahiers　of　manuscript　away　in　the　suitcase　and

locked　it　and　came　out　the　door　of　his　room　and　walked　along　the　front　of　the　hotel　to　where　Marita　was　reading。

〃Do　you　want　breakfast？〃　she　asked。

〃I　think　I'd　like　a　drink。〃

〃Let's　have　it　at　the　bar；〃　she　said。　〃It's　cooler。〃

They　went　in　and　sat　down　on　stools　and　David　poured　from　the　Haig　Pinch　bottle　into　a　glass　and　filled　it　up　with　cold　Perrier。

〃What　became　of　Catherine？〃

〃She　left　very　happy　and　gay。

〃And　how　are　you？〃

〃Happy　and　shy　and　rather　quiet。〃

〃Too　shy　for　me　to　kiss　you？〃

They　held　each　other　and　he　could　feel　himself　start　to　be　whole　again。　He　had　not　known　just　how　greatly　he　had　been　divided　and　separated　because　once　he　started　to　work　he　wrote　from　an　inner　core　which　could　not　be　split　nor　even　marked　nor　scratched。　He　knew　about　this　and　it　was　his　strength　since　all　the　rest　of　him　could　be　riven。

They　sat　at　the　bar　while　the　boy　laid　the　table　and　the　first　coolness　of　fall　was　in　the　breeze　from　the　sea　and　then　sitting　at　the　table　under　the　pines　they　felt　it　again　as　they　ate　and　drank。

〃This　cool　breeze　comes　all　the　way　from　Kurdistan；〃　David　said。　〃The　equinoctial　storms　will　be　coming　soon。〃

〃They　won't　come　today；〃　the　girl　said。　〃We　don't　have　to　worry　about　them　today。〃

〃There　hasn't　been　a　blow　of　any　kind　since　when　we　met　in　Cannes　at　the　cafe。〃

〃Can　you　still　remember　things　that　long　ago？〃

〃It　seems　further　away　than　the　war。〃

〃I　had　the　war　the　last　three　days；〃　the　girl　said。　〃I　just　left　it　this　morning。〃

182　183

。　。
〃I　never　think　about　it；〃　David　said。
〃Now　I've　read　it；〃　Marita　told　him；　〃but　I　don't　understand　about　you。　You　never　made　clear　what　you　believed。〃

He　filled　her　glass　and　then　refilled　his　own。

〃I　didn't　know　until　afterwards；〃　he　said。　〃So　I　didn't　try　to　act　as　though　I　did。　I　suspended　thinking　about　it　while　it　was　happening。　I　only　felt　and　saw　and　acted　and　thought　tactically。　That's　why　it's　not　a　better　book。　Because　I　wasn't　more　intelligent。〃

〃It　is　a　very　good　book。　The　flying　parts　are　wonderful　and　the　feeling　for　the　other　people　and　for　the　planes　themselves。〃

〃I'm　good　on　other　people　and　on　technical　and　tactical　things；〃　David　said。　〃I　don't　mean　to　talk　wet　or　to　brag。　But；　Marita；　nobody　knows　about　himself　when　he　is　really　involved。　Yourself　isn't　worth　considering。　It　would　be　shameful　at　the　time。〃

〃But　afterwards　you　know。〃

〃Sure。　Sometimes。〃

〃Can　I　read　the　narrative？〃

David　poured　wine　in　the　glasses　again。

〃How　much　did　she　tell　you？〃

〃She　said　she　told　me　everything。　She　tells　things　very　well　you　know。〃

〃I'd　rather　you　didn't　read　it；〃　David　said。　〃All　it　would　do　is　make　trouble。　I　didn't　know　there　would　be　you　when　I　wrote　it　and　I　can't　help　her　telling　you　things　but　I　don't　have　to　have　you　read　about　them　too。〃

〃Then　I　mustn't　read　it？〃

〃I　wish　you　wouldn't。　I　don't　want　to　give　you　orders。〃

〃Then　I　have　to　tell　you；〃　the　girl　said。

〃She　let　you　read　it？〃

〃Yes。　She　said　I　should。〃

〃God　damn　her。〃

〃She　didn't　do　it　to　do　wrong。　It　was　when　she　was　so　worried。〃

〃So　you　read　it　all？〃

〃Yes。　It's　wonderful。　It's　so　much　better　than　the　last　book　and　now　the　stories　are　so　much　better　than　it　or　than　anything。〃

〃What　about　the　Madrid　part？〃　He　looked　at　her　and　she　looked　up　at　him　and　then　moistened　her　lips　and　did　not　look　away　and　she　said　very　carefully；　〃I　knew　all　about　that　because　I'm　just　the　way　you　are。


When　they　were　lying　together　Marita　said；　〃You　don't　think　about　her　when　you　make　love　to　me？〃

〃No；　stupid。〃

〃You　don't　want　me　to　do　her　things？　Because　I　know　them　all　and　I　can　do　them。〃

〃Stop　talking　and　just　feel。〃

〃I　can　do　them　better　than　she　can。〃

〃Stop　talking。〃

〃Don't　think　you　have　to&mdash；〃

〃Don't　talk。〃

〃But　you　don't　have　to&mdash；〃

〃No　one　has　to　but　we　are&mdash；〃

They　lay　holding　each　other　close　and　hard　and　then　gently　finally　and　Marita　said；　〃I　have　to　go　away　but　I'll　be　back。　Please　sleep　for　me。〃

She　kissed　him　and　when　she　came　back　he　was　asleep。　He　had　meant　to　wait　for　her　but　he　had　fallen　asleep　while　he　waited。　She　lay　down　by　him　and　kissed　him　and　when　he　did　not　wake　she　lay　by　him　very　quietly　and　tried　to　sleep　too。　But　she　was　not　sleepy　and　she　kissed　him　very　softly　again　and　then　commenced　to　play　with　him　very　gently　while　she　pushed　her　breasts　against　him。　He　stirred　in　his　sleep　and　she　lay　now　with　her　head　down　below　his　chest　and　played　softly　and　searchingly　making　small　intimacies　and　discoveries。

It　was　a　long　cool　afternoon　and　David　slept　and　when　he
184　185
。


woke　Marita　was　gone　and　he　heard　the　two　girls'　voices　on　the　terrace。　He　dressed　and　unbolted　the　door　to　his　working　room　and　then　came　out　from　the　door　of　that　room　onto　the　flagstones。　There　was　no　one　on　the　terrace　except　the　waiter　who　was　taking　in　the　tea　things　and　he　found　the　girls　in　the　bar。


Chapter