unconscious comedians-第7章

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'I've　got　a　career！　When　I'm　no　longer　young　I'll　lend　money　to　great

ladies　on　their　finery；　for　passion　never　calculates；　it　pays

blindly。'　If　you　want　subjects　for　a　vaudeville　I　can　sell　you

plenty。〃



She　departed　after　delivering　this　tirade；　in　which　all　the　phases　of

her　past　life　were　outlined；　leaving　Gazonal　as　much　horrified　by　her

revelations　as　by　the　five　yellow　teeth　she　showed　when　she　tried　to

smile。



〃What　shall　we　do　now？〃　he　asked　presently。



〃Make　notes；〃　replied　Bixiou；　whistling　for　his　porter；　〃for　I　want

some　money；　and　I'll　show　you　the　use　of　porters。　You　think　they　only

pull　the　gate…cord；　whereas　they　really　pull　poor　devils　like　me　and

artists　whom　they　take　under　their　protection　out　of　difficulties。

Mine　will　get　the　Montyon　prize　one　of　these　days。〃



Gazonal　opened　his　eyes　to　their　utmost　roundness。



A　man　between　two　ages；　partly　a　graybeard；　partly　an　office…boy；　but

more　oily　within　and　without；　hair　greasy；　stomach　puffy；　skin　dull

and　moist；　like　that　of　the　prior　of　a　convent；　always　wearing　list

shoes；　a　blue　coat；　and　grayish　trousers；　made　his　appearance。



〃What　is　it；　monsieur？〃　he　said　with　an　air　which　combined　that　of　a

protector　and　a　subordinate。



〃Ravenouillet　His　name　is　Ravenouillet；〃　said　Bixiou　turning　to

Gazonal。　〃Have　you　our　notebook　of　bills　due　with　you？〃



Ravenouillet　pulled　out　of　his　pocket　the　greasiest　and　stickiest　book

that　Gazonal's　eyes　had　ever　beheld。



〃Write　down　at　three　months'　sight　two　notes　of　five　hundred　francs

each；　which　you　will　proceed　to　sign。〃



And　Bixiou　handed　over　two　notes　already　drawn　to　his　order　by

Ravenouillet；　which　Ravenouillet　immediately　signed　and　inscribed　on

the　greasy　book；　in　which　his　wife　also　kept　account　of　the　debts　of

the　other　lodgers。



〃Thanks；　Ravenouillet；〃　said　Bixiou。　〃And　here's　a　box　at　the

Vaudeville　for　you。〃



〃Oh！　my　daughter　will　enjoy　that；〃　said　Ravenouillet；　departing。



〃There　are　seventy…one　tenants　in　this　house；〃　said　Bixiou；　〃and　the

average　of　what　they　owe　Ravenouillet　is　six　thousand　francs　a　month；

eighteen　thousand　quarterly　for　money　advanced；　postage；　etc。；　not

counting　the　rents　due。　He　is　Providenceat　thirty　per　cent；　which　we

all　pay　him；　though　he　never　asks　for　anything。〃



〃Oh；　Paris！　Paris！〃　cried　Gazonal。



〃I'm　going　to　take　you　now；　cousin　Gazonal；〃　said　Bixiou；　after

indorsing　the　notes；　〃to　see　another　comedian；　who　will　play　you　a

charming　scene　gratis。〃



〃Who　is　it？〃　said　Gazonal。



〃A　usurer。　As　we　go　along　I'll　tell　you　the　debut　of　friend

Ravenouillet　in　Paris。〃



Passing　in　front　of　the　porter's　lodge；　Gazonal　saw　Mademoiselle

Lucienne　Ravenouillet　holding　in　her　hand　a　music　score　（she　was　a

pupil　of　the　Conservatoire）；　her　father　reading　a　newspaper；　and

Madame　Ravenouillet　with　a　package　of　letters　to　be　carried　up　to　the

lodgers。



〃Thanks；　Monsieur　Bixiou！〃　said　the　girl。



〃She's　not　a　rat；〃　explained　Leon　to　his　cousin；　〃she　is　the　larva　of

the　grasshopper。〃



〃Here's　the　history　of　Ravenouillet；〃　continued　Bixiou；　when　the　three

friends　reached　the　boulevard。　〃In　1831　Massol；　the　councillor　of

state　who　is　dealing　with　your　case；　was　a　lawyer…journalist　who　at

that　time　never　thought　of　being　more　than　Keeper　of　the　Seals；　and

deigned　to　have　King　Louis…Philippe　on　his　throne。　Forgive　his

ambition；　he's　from　Carcassonne。　One　morning　there　entered　to　him　a

young　rustic　of　his　parts；　who　said：　'You　know　me　very　well；　Mossoo

Massol；　I'm　your　neighbour　the　grocer's　little　boy；　I've　come　from

down　there；　for　they　tell　me　a　fellow　is　certain　to　get　a　place　if　he

comes　to　Paris。'　Hearing　these　words；　Massol　shuddered；　and　said　to

himself　that　if　he　were　weak　enough　to　help　this　compatriot　（to　him

utterly　unknown）　he　should　have　the　whole　department　prone　upon　him；

his　bell…rope　would　break；　his　valet　leave　him；　he　should　have

difficulties　with　his　landlord　about　the　stairway；　and　the　other

lodgers　would　assuredly　complain　of　the　smell　of　garlic　pervading　the

house。　Consequently；　he　looked　at　his　visitor　as　a　butcher　looks　at　a

sheep　whose　throat　he　intends　to　cut。　But　whether　the　rustic

comprehended　the　stab　of　that　glance　or　not；　he　went　on　to　say　（so

Massol　told　me）；　'I've　as　much　ambition　as　other　men。　I　will　never　go

back　to　my　native　place；　if　I　ever　do　go　back；　unless　I　am　a　rich　man。

Paris　is　the　antechamber　of　Paradise。　They　tell　me　that　you　who　write

the　newspapers　can　make；　as　they　say；　〃fine　weather　and　foul〃；　that

is；　you　have　things　all　your　own　way；　and　it's　enough　to　ask　your　help

to　get　any　place；　no　matter　what；　under　government。　Now；　though　I　have

faculties；　like　others；　I　know　myself：　I　have　no　education；　I　don't

know　how　to　write；　and　that's　a　misfortune；　for　I　have　ideas。　I　am　not

seeking；　therefore；　to　be　your　rival；　I　judge　myself；　and　I　know　I

couldn't　succeed　there。　But；　as　you　are　so　powerful；　and　as　we　are

almost　brothers；　having　played　together　in　childhood；　I　count　upon　you

to　launch　me　in　a　career　and　to　protect　me　Oh；　you　MUST；　I　want　a

place；　a　place　suitable　to　my　capacity；　to　such　as　I　am；　a　place　were

I　can　make　my　fortune。'　Massol　was　just　about　to　put　his　compatriot

neck　and　crop　out　of　the　door　with　some　brutal　speech；　when　the　rustic

ended　his　appeal　thus：　'I　don't　ask　to　enter　the　administration　where

people　advance　like　tortoisesthere's　your　cousin；　who　has　stuck　in

one　post　for　twenty　years。　No；　I　only　want　to　make　my　debut。''On　the

stage？'　asked　Massol　only　too　happy　at　that　conclusion。'No；　though　I

have　gesture　enough；　and　figure；　and　memory。　But　there's　too　much　wear

and　tear；　I　prefer　the　career　of　PORTER。'　Massol　kept　his　countenance；

and　replied：　'I　think　there's　more　wear　and　tear　in　that；　but　as　your

choice　is　made　I'll　see　what　I　can　do'；　and　he　got　him；　as

Ravenouillet　says；　his　first　'cordon。'〃



〃I　was　the　first　master；〃　said　Leon；　〃to　consider　the　race　of　porter。

You'll　find　knaves　of　morality；　mountebanks　of　vanity；　modern

sycophants；　septembriseurs；　disguised　in　philanthropy；　inventors　of

palpitating　questions；　preaching　the　emancipation　of　the　negroes；

improvement　of　little　thieves；　benevolence　to　liberated　convicts；　and

who；　nevertheless；　leave　their　porters　in　a　condition　worse　than　that

of　the　Irish；　in　holes　more　dreadful　than　a　mud　cabin；　and　pay　them

less　money　to　live　on　than　the　State　pays　to　support　a　convict。　I　have

done　but　one　good　action　in　my　life；　and　that　was　to　build　my　porter　a

decent　lodge。〃



〃Yes；〃　said　Bixiou；　〃if　a　man；　having　built　a　great　cage　divided　into

thousands　of　compartments　like　the　cells　of　a　beehive　or　the　dens　of　a

menagerie；　constructed　to　receive　human　beings　of　all　trades　and　all

kinds；　if　that　animal；　calling　itself　the　proprietor；　should　go　to　a

man　of　science　and　say：　'I　want　an　individual　of　the　bimanous　species；

able　to　live　in　holes　full　of　old　boots；　pestiferous　with　rags；　and

ten　feet　square；　I　want　him　such　that　he　can　live　there　all　his　life；

sleep　there；　eat　there；　be　happy；　get　children　as　pretty　as　little

cupids；　work；　toil；　cultivate　flowers；　sing　there；　stay　there；　and

live　in　darkness　but　see　and　know　everything；'　most　assuredly　the　man

of　science　could　never　have　invented　the　porter　to　oblige　the

proprietor；　Paris；　and　Paris　only　could　create　him；　or；　if　you　choose；

the　devil。〃



〃Parisian　creative　powers　have　gone　farther　than　that；〃　said　Gazonal；

〃look　at　the　workmen！　You　don't　know　all　the　products　of　industry；

though　you　exhibit　them。　Our　toilers　fight　against　the　toilers　of　the

continent　by　force　of　misery；　as　Napoleon　fought　Europe　by　force　of

regiments。〃



〃Here　we　are；　at　my　friend　the　usurer's；〃　said　Bixiou。　〃His　name　is

Vauvinet。　One　of　the　greatest　mistakes　made　by　writers　who　describe

our　manners　and　morals　is　to　harp　on　old　portraits。　In　these　days　all

trades　change。　The　grocer　becomes　a　peer　of　France；　artists　capitalize