the research magnificent-第62章
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〃It was the way it took me；〃 said Benham； after a little interval。 〃You have left me for long months。〃 〃Yes。 I was angry。 And it was ridiculous to be angry。 I thought I wanted to kill you； and now I see you I see that all I want to do is to help you out of this miserable messand then get away from you。 You two would like to marry。 You ought to be married。〃 〃I would die to make Amanda happy；〃 said Easton。 〃Your business； it seems to me； is to live to make her happy。 That you may find more of a strain。 Less tragic and more tiresome。 I； on the other hand； want neither to die nor live for her。〃 Amanda moved sharply。 〃It's extraordinary what amazing vapours a lonely man may get into his head。 If you don't want a divorce then I suppose things might go on as they are now。〃 〃I hate things as they are now；〃 said Easton。 〃I hate this falsehood and deception。〃 〃You would hate the scandal just as much；〃 said Amanda。 〃I would not care what the scandal was unless it hurt you。〃 〃It would be only a temporary inconvenience；〃 said Benham。 〃Every one would sympathize with you。 。 。 。 The whole thing is so natural。 。 。 。 People would be glad to forget very soon。 They did with my mother。〃 〃No；〃 said Amanda； 〃it isn't so easy as that。〃 She seemed to come to a decision。 〃Pip；〃 she said。 〃I want to talk toHIMalone。〃 Easton's brown eyes were filled with distress and perplexity。 〃But why？〃 he asked。 〃I do；〃 she said。 〃But this is a thing for US。〃 〃Pip； I want to talk to him alone。 There is somethingsomething I can't say before you。 。 。 。〃 Sir Philip rose slowly to his feet。 〃Shall I wait outside？〃 〃No； Pip。 Go home。 Yes；there are some things you must leave to me。〃 She stood up too and turned so that she and Benham both faced the younger man。 The strangest uneasiness mingled with his resolve to be at any cost splendid。 He feltand it was a most unexpected and disconcerting feelingthat he was no longer confederated with Amanda； that prior； more fundamental and greater associations prevailed over his little new grip upon her mind and senses。 He stared at husband and wife aghast in this realization。 Then his resolute romanticism came to his help。 〃I would trust you〃 he began。 〃If you tell me to go〃 Amanda seemed to measure her hold upon him。 She laid her hand upon his arm。 〃Go； my dear Pip；〃 she said。 〃Go。〃 He had a moment of hesitation； of anguish； and it seemed to Benham as though he eked himself out with unreality； as though somewhen； somewhere； he had seen something of the sort in a play and filled in a gap that otherwise he could not have supplied。 Then the door had closed upon him； and Amanda； pale and darkly dishevelled； faced her husband； silently and intensely。 〃WELL？〃 said Benham。 She held out her arms to him。 〃Why did you leave me； Cheetah？ Why did you leave me？〃
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Benham affected to ignore those proffered arms。 But they recalled in a swift rush the animal anger that had brought him back to England。 To remind him of desire now was to revive an anger stronger than any desire。 He spoke seeking to hurt her。 〃I am wondering now；〃 he said； 〃why the devil I came back。〃 〃You had to come back to me。〃 〃I could have written just as well about these things。〃 〃CHEETAH；〃 she said softly； and came towards him slowly； stooping forward and looking into his eyes； 〃you had to come back to see your old Leopard。 Your wretched Leopard。 Who has rolled in the dirt。 And is still yours。〃 〃Do you want a divorce？ How are we to fix things； Amanda？〃 〃Cheetah； I will tell you how we will fix things。〃 She dropped upon the step below him。 She laid her hands with a deliberate softness upon him； she gave a toss so that her disordered hair was a little more disordered； and brought her soft chin down to touch his knees。 Her eyes implored him。 〃Cheetah；〃 she said。 〃You are going to forgive。〃 He sat rigid； meeting her eyes。 〃Amanda；〃 he said at last； 〃you would be astonished if I kicked you away from me and trampled over you to the door。 That is what I want to do。〃 〃Do it；〃 she said； and the grip of her hands tightened。 〃Cheetah； dear！ I would love you to kill me。〃 〃I don't want to kill you。〃 Her eyes dilated。 〃Beat me。〃 〃And I haven't the remotest intention of making love to you；〃 he said； and pushed her soft face and hands away from him as if he would stand up。 She caught hold of him again。 〃Stay with me；〃 she said。 He made no effort to shake off her grip。 He looked at the dark cloud of her hair that had ruled him so magically； and the memory of old delights made him grip a great handful almost inadvertently as he spoke。 〃Dear Leopard；〃 he said； 〃we humans are the most streaky of conceivable things。 I thought I hated you。 I do。 I hate you like poison。 And also I do not hate you at all。〃 Then abruptly he was standing over her。 She rose to her knees。 〃Stay here； old Cheetah！〃 she said。 〃This is your house。 I am your wife。〃 He went towards the unfastened front door。 〃Cheetah！〃 she cried with a note of despair。 He halted at the door。 〃Amanda； I will come to…morrow。 I will come in the morning； in the sober London daylight； and then we will settle things。〃 He stared at her； and to her amazement he smiled。 He spoke as one who remarks upon a quite unexpected fact。 。 。 。 〃Never in my life； Amanda； have I seen a human being that I wanted so little to kill。〃
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White found a fragment that might have been written within a week of those last encounters of Benham and Amanda。 〃The thing that astonished me most in Amanda was the change in her mental quality。 〃With me in the old days she had always been a sincere person； she had deceived me about facts； but she had never deceived me about herself。 Her personal； stark frankness had been her essential strength。 And it was gone。 I came back to find Amanda an accomplished actress； a thing of poses and calculated effects。 She was a surface； a sham； a Lorelei。 Beneath that surface I could not discover anything individual at all。 Fear and a grasping quality； such as God gave us all when he gave us hands； but the individual I knew； the humorous wilful Spotless Leopard was gone。 Whither； I cannot imagine。 An amazing disappearance。 Clean out of space and time like a soul lost for ever。 〃When I went to see her in the morning； she was made up for a scene； she acted an intricate part； never for a moment was she there in reality。 。 。 。 〃I have got a remarkable persuasion that she lost herself in this way； by cheapening love； by making base love to a lover she despised。 。 。 。 There can be no inequality in love。 Give and take must balance。 One must be one's natural self or the whole business is an indecent trick； a vile use of life！ To use inferiors in love one must needs talk down to them； interpret oneself in their insufficient phrases； pretend； sentimentalize。 And it is clear that unless oneself is to be lost； one must be content to leave alone all those people that one can reach only by sentimentalizing。 But Amandaand yet somehow I love her for it stillcould not leave any one alone。 So she was always feverishly weaving nets of false relationship。 Until her very self was forgotten。 So she will go on until the end。 With Easton it had been necessary for her to key herself to a simple exalted romanticism that was entirely insincere。 She had so accustomed herself to these poses that her innate gestures were forgotten。 She could not recover them； she could not even reinvent them。 Between us there were momentary gleams as though presently we should be our frank former selves again。 They were never more than momentary。 。 。 。〃 And that was all that this astonishing man had seen fit to tell of his last parting from his wife。 Perhaps he did Amanda injustice。 Perhaps there was a stronger thread of reality in her desire to recover him than he supposed。 Clearly he believed that under the circumstances Amanda would have tried to recover anybody。 She had dressed for that morning's encounter in a very becoming and intimate wrap of soft mauve and white silk； and she had washed and dried her dark hair so that it was a vapour about her face。 She set herself with a single mind to persuade herself and Benham that they were inseparable lovers； and she would not be deflected by his grim determination to
