the research magnificent-第60章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


at　in　these　matters　I　am　cleaner　than　most　men　and　more　easily　clean；　and　it　may　be　that　it　is　in　the　vein　of　just　that　distinctive　virtue　that　I　fell　so　readily　into　a　passion　of　resentment　and　anger。　〃I　despised　a　jealous　man。　　There　is　a　traditional　discredit　of　jealousy；　not　so　strong　as　that　against　cowardice；　but　still　very　strong。　　But　the　general　contempt　of　jealousy　is　curiously　wrapped　up　with　the　supposition　that　there　is　no　cause　for　jealousy；　that　it　is　unreasonable　suspicion。　　Given　a　cause　then　tradition　speaks　with　an　uncertain　voice。　。　。　。　〃I　see　now　that　I　despised　jealousy　because　I　assumed　that　it　was　impossible　for　Amanda　to　love　any　one　but　me；　it　was　intolerable　to　imagine　anything　else；　I　insisted　upon　believing　that　she　was　as　fastidious　as　myself　and　as　faithful　as　myself；　made　indeed　after　my　image；　and　I　went　on　disregarding　the　most　obvious　intimations　that　she　was　not；　until　that　still　moment　in　the　Indian　Ocean；　when　silently；　gently　as　a　drowned　body　might　rise　out　of　the　depths　of　a　pool；　that　knowledge　of　love　dead　and　honour　gone　for　ever　floated　up　into　my　consciousness。　〃And　then　I　felt　that　Amanda　had　cheated　me！　　Outrageously。　Abominably。　〃Now；　so　far　as　my　intelligence　goes；　there　is　not　a　cloud　upon　this　question。　　My　demand　upon　Amanda　was　outrageous　and　I　had　no　right　whatever　to　her　love　or　loyalty。　　I　must　have　that　very　clear。　。　。　。　〃This　aristocratic　life；　as　I　conceive　it；　must　be；　except　accidentally　here　and　there；　incompatible　with　the　domestic　life。　It　means　going　hither　and　thither　in　the　universe　of　thought　as　much　as　in　the　universe　of　matter；　it　means　adventure；　it　means　movement　and　adventure　that　must　needs　be　hopelessly　encumbered　by　an　inseparable　associate；　it　means　self…imposed　responsibilities　that　will　not　fit　into　the　welfare　of　a　family。　　In　all　ages；　directly　society　had　risen　above　the　level　of　a　barbaric　tribal　village；　this　need　of　a　release　from　the　family　for　certain　necessary　types　of　people　has　been　recognized。　　It　was　met　sometimes　informally；　sometimes　formally；　by　the　growth　and　establishment　of　special　classes　and　orders；　of　priests；　monks；　nuns；　of　pledged　knights；　of　a　great　variety　of　non…family　people；　whose　concern　was　the　larger　collective　life　that　opens　out　beyond　the　simple　necessities　and　duties　and　loyalties　of　the　steading　and　of　the　craftsman's　house。　Sometimes；　but　not　always；　that　release　took　the　form　of　celibacy；　but　besides　that　there　have　been　a　hundred　institutional　variations　of　the　common　life　to　meet　the　need　of　the　special　man；　the　man　who　must　go　deep　and　the　man　who　must　go　far。　　A　vowed　celibacy　ceased　to　be　a　tolerable　rule　for　an　aristocracy　directly　the　eugenic　idea　entered　the　mind　of　man；　because　a　celibate　aristocracy　means　the　abandonment　of　the　racial　future　to　a　proletariat　of　base　unleaderly　men。　　That　was　plain　to　Plato。　　It　was　plain　to　Campanelea。　　It　was　plain　to　the　Protestant　reformers。　　But　the　world　has　never　yet　gone　on　to　the　next　step　beyond　that　recognition；　to　the　recognition　of　feminine　aristocrats；　rulers　and　the　mates　of　rulers；　as　untrammelled　by　domestic　servitudes　and　family　relationships　as　the　men　of　their　kind。　　That　I　see　has　always　been　my　idea　since　in　my　undergraduate　days　I　came　under　the　spell　of　Plato。　　It　was　a　matter　of　course　that　my　first　gift　to　Amanda　should　be　his　REPUBLIC。　　I　loved　Amanda　transfigured　in　that　dream。　。　。　。　〃There　are　no　such　women。　。　。　。　〃It　is　no　excuse　for　me　that　I　thought　she　was　like…minded　with　myself。　　I　had　no　sound　reason　for　supposing　that。　　I　did　suppose　that。　　I　did　not　perceive　that　not　only　was　she　younger　than　myself；　but　that　while　I　had　been　going　through　a　mill　of　steely　education；　kept　close；　severely　exercised；　polished　by　discussion；　she　had　but　the　weak　training　of　a　not　very　good　school；　some　scrappy　reading；　the　vague　discussions　of　village　artists；　and　the　draped　and　decorated　novelties　of　the　‘advanced。'　　It　all　went　to　nothing　on　the　impact　of　the　world。　。　。　。　　She　showed　herself　the　woman　the　world　has　always　known；　no　miracle；　and　the　alternative　was　for　me　to　give　myself　to　her　in　the　ancient　way；　to　serve　her　happiness；　to　control　her　and　delight　and　companion　her；　or　to　let　her　go。　〃The　normal　woman　centres　upon　herself；　her　mission　is　her　own　charm　and　her　own　beauty　and　her　own　setting；　her　place　is　her　home。　　She　demands　the　concentration　of　a　man。　　Not　to　be　able　to　command　that　is　her　failure。　　Not　to　give　her　that　is　to　shame　her。　　As　I　had　shamed　Amanda。　。　。　。〃

22

〃There　are　no　such　women。〃　　He　had　written　this　in　and　struck　it　out；　and　then　at　some　later　time　written　it　in　again。　　There　it　stayed　now　as　his　last　persuasion；　but　it　set　White　thinking　and　doubting。　　And；　indeed；　there　was　another　sheet　of　pencilled　broken　stuff　that　seemed　to　glance　at　quite　another　type　of　womanhood。

23

〃It　is　clear　that　the　women　aristocrats　who　must　come　to　the　remaking　of　the　world　will　do　so　in　spite　of　limitations　at　least　as　great　as　those　from　which　the　aristocratic　spirit　of　man　escapes。　These　women　must　become　aristocratic　through　their　own　innate　impulse；　they　must　be　self…called　to　their　lives；　exactly　as　men　must　be；　there　is　no　making　an　aristocrat　without　a　predisposition　for　rule　and　nobility。　　And　they　have　to　discover　and　struggle　against　just　exactly　the　limitations　that　we　have　to　struggle　against。　　They　have　to　conquer　not　only　fear　but　indulgence；　indulgence　of　a　softer；　more　insidious　quality；　and　jealousy　proprietorship。　。　。　。　〃It　is　as　natural　to　want　a　mate　as　to　want　bread；　and　a　thousand　times　in　my　work　and　in　my　wanderings　I　have　thought　of　a　mate　and　desired　a　mate。　　A　matenot　a　possession。　　It　is　a　need　almost　naively　simple。　　If　only　one　could　have　a　woman　who　thought　of　one　and　with　one！　　Though　she　were　on　the　other　side　of　the　world　and　busied　about　a　thousand　things。　。　。　。　〃‘WITH　one；'　I　see　it　must　be　rather　than　‘OF　one。'　　That　‘of　one'　is　just　the　unexpurgated　egotistical　demand　coming　back　again。　。　。　。　〃Man　is　a　mating　creature。　　It　is　not　good　to　be　alone。　　But　mating　means　a　mate。　。　。　。　〃We　should　be　lovers；　of　course；　that　goes　without　saying。　。　。　。　〃And　yet　not　specialized　lovers；　not　devoted；　ATTENDING　lovers。　‘Dancing　attendance'as　they　used　to　say。　　We　should　meet　upon　our　ways　as　the　great　carnivores　do。　。　。　。　〃That　at　any　rate　was　a　sound　idea。　　Though　we　only　played　with　it。　〃But　that　mate　desire　is　just　a　longing　that　can　have　no　possible　satisfaction　now　for　me。　　What　is　the　good　of　dreaming？　　Life　and　chance　have　played　a　trick　upon　my　body　and　soul。　　I　am　mated；　though　I　am　mated　to　a　phantom。　　I　loved　and　I　love　Arnanda；　not　Easton's　Amanda；　but　Amanda　in　armour；　the　Amanda　of　my　dreams。　Sense；　and　particularly　the　sense　of　beauty；　lies　deeper　than　reason　in　us。　　There　can　be　no　mate　for　me　now　unless　she　comes　with　Amanda's　voice　and　Amanda's　face　and　Amanda's　quick　movements　and　her　clever　hands。　。　。　。〃

24

〃Why　am　I　so　ungrateful　to　her　still　for　all　the　happiness　she　gave　me？　〃There　were　things　between　us　two　as　lovers；love；　things　more　beautiful　than　anything　else　in　the　world；　things　that　set　the　mind　hunting　among　ineffectual　images　in　a　search　for　impossible　expression；　images　of　sunlight　shining　through　blood…red　petals；　images　of　moonlight　in　a　scented　garden；　of　marble　gleaming　in　the　shade；　of　far…off　wonderful　music　heard　at　dusk　in　a　great　stillness；　of　fairies　dancing　softly；　of　floating　happiness　and　stirring　delights；　of　joys　as　keen　and　sudden　as　the　knife　of　an　assassin；　assassin's　knives　made　out　of　tears；　tears　that　are　happiness；　wordless　things；　and　surprises；　expectations；　gratitudes；　sudden　moments　of　contemplation；　the　sight　of　a　soft　eyelid　closed　in　sleep；　shadowy　tones　in　the　sound　of　a　voice　heard　unexpectedly；　sweet；　dear　magical　things　that　I　can　find　no　words　for。　。　。　。　〃If　she　was　a　goddess　to　me；　should　it　be　any　affair　of　mine　that　she　was　not　a　goddess　to　herself；　that　she　could　hold　all　this　that　has　been　between　us　more　cheaply　than　I　did？　　It　does　not　change　one　jot　of　it　for　me。　　At　the　time　she　did　not　hold　it　cheaply。　　She　forgets　where　I　do　not　forget。　。　。　。〃

25

Such　were　the　things　that　Benham　could　think　and　set　down。　Yet