the research magnificent-第59章

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rrational　torment。　。　。　。　〃And　it　is　not　only　in　oneself　that　I　am　astonished　by　the　power　of　this　base　motive。　　I　see；　too；　in　the　queer　business　of　Prothero　how　strongly　jealousy；　how　strongly　the　sense　of　proprietorship；　weighs　with　a　man。　。　。　。　〃There　is　no　clear　reason　why　one　should　insist　upon　another　human　being　being　one's　ownest　ownutterly　one's　own。　。　。　。　〃There　is；　of　course；　no　clear　reason　for　most　human　motives。　。　。　。　〃One　does。　。　。　。　〃There　is　something　dishonouring　in　distrustto　both　the　distrusted　and　the　one　who　distrusts。　。　。　。〃　After　that；　apparently；　it　had　been　too　hot　and　stuffy　to　continue。

20

Benham　did　not　see　Amanda　again　until　after　the　birth　of　their　child。　　He　spent　his　Christmas　in　Moscow；　watching　the　outbreak；　the　fitful　fighting　and　the　subsequent　break…up；　of　the　revolution；　and　taking　care　of　a　lost　and　helpless　English　family　whose　father　had　gone　astray　temporarily　on　the　way　home　from　Baku。　　Then　he　went　southward　to　Rostov　and　thence　to　Astrakhan。　　Here　he　really　began　his　travels。　　He　determined　to　get　to　India　by　way　of　Herat　and　for　the　first　time　in　his　life　rode　out　into　an　altogether　lawless　wilderness。　　He　went　on　obstinately　because　he　found　himself　disposed　to　funk　the　journey；　and　because　discouragements　were　put　in　his　way。　　He　was　soon　quite　cut　off　from　all　the　ways　of　living　he　had　known。　　He　learnt　what　it　is　to　be　flea…bitten；　saddle…sore；　hungry　and；　above　all；　thirsty。　　He　was　haunted　by　a　dread　of　fever；　and　so　contrived　strange　torments　for　himself　with　overdoses　of　quinine。　　He　ceased　to　be　traceable　from　Chexington　in　March；　and　he　reappeared　in　the　form　of　a　telegram　from　Karachi　demanding　news　in　May。　　He　learnt　he　was　the　father　of　a　man…child　and　that　all　was　well　with　Amanda。　He　had　not　expected　to　be　so　long　away　from　any　communication　with　the　outer　world；　and　something　in　the　nature　of　a　stricken　conscience　took　him　back　to　England。　　He　found　a　second　William　Porphyry　in　the　world；　dominating　Chexington；　and　Amanda　tenderly　triumphant　and　passionate；　the　Madonna　enthroned。　　For　William　Porphyry　he　could　feel　no　emotion。　　William　Porphyry　was　very　red　and　ugly　and　protesting；　feeble　and　aggressive；　a　matter　for　a　skilled　nurse。　　To　see　him　was　to　ignore　him　and　dispel　a　dream。　　It　was　to　Amanda　Benham　turned　again。　For　some　days　he　was　content　to　adore　his　Madonna　and　listen　to　the　familiar　flatteries　of　her　love。　　He　was　a　leaner；　riper　man；　Amanda　said；　and　wiser；　so　that　she　was　afraid　of　him。　。　。　。　And　then　he　became　aware　that　she　was　requiring　him　to　stay　at　her　side。　　〃We　have　both　had　our　adventures；〃　she　said；　which　struck　him　as　an　odd　phrase。　It　forced　itself　upon　his　obstinate　incredulity　that　all　those　conceptions　of　heroic　love　and　faithfulness　he　had　supposed　to　be　so　clearly　understood　between　them　had　vanished　from　her　mind。　　She　had　absolutely　forgotten　that　twilight　moment　at　the　window　which　had　seemed　to　him　the　crowning　instant；　the　real　marriage　of　their　lives。　　It　had　gone；　it　had　left　no　recoverable　trace　in　her。　　And　upon　his　interpretations　of　that　he　had　loved　her　passionately　for　a　year。　　She　was　back　at　exactly　the　ideas　and　intentions　that　ruled　her　during　their　first　settlement　in　London。　　She　wanted　a　joint　life　in　the　social　world　of　London；　she　demanded　his　presence；　his　attention；　the　daily　practical　evidences　of　love。　　It　was　all　very　well　for　him　to　be　away　when　the　child　was　coming；　but　now　everything　was　different。　　Now　he　must　stay　by　her。　This　time　he　argued　no　case。　　These　issues　he　had　settled　for　ever。　Even　an　indignant　dissertation　from　Lady　Marayne；　a　dissertation　that　began　with　appeals　and　ended　in　taunts；　did　not　move　him。　Behind　these　things　now　was　India。　　The　huge　problems　of　India　had　laid　an　unshakeable　hold　upon　his　imagination。　　He　had　seen　Russia；　and　he　wanted　to　balance　that　picture　by　a　vision　of　the　east。　。　。　。　He　saw　Easton　only　once　during　a　week…end　at　Chexington。　　The　young　man　displayed　no　further　disposition　to　be　confidentially　sentimental。　　But　he　seemed　to　have　something　on　his　mind。　　And　Amanda　said　not　a　word　about　him。　　He　was　a　young　man　above　suspicion；　Benham　felt。　。　。　。　And　from　his　departure　the　quality　of　the　correspondence　of　these　two　larger　carnivores　began　to　change。　　Except　for　the　repetition　of　accustomed　endearments；　they　ceased　to　be　love　letters　in　any　sense　of　the　word。　　They　dealt　chiefly　with　the　〃Cub；〃　and　even　there　Benham　felt　presently　that　the　enthusiasm　diminished。　　A　new　amazing　quality　for　Amanda　appearedtriteness。　　The　very　writing　of　her　letters　changed　as　though　it　had　suddenly　lost　backbone。　　Her　habitual　liveliness　of　phrasing　lost　its　point。　　Had　she　lost　her　animation？　　Was　she　ill　unknowingly？　　Where　had　the　light　gone？　　It　was　as　if　her　attention　was　distracted。　。　。　。　　As　if　every　day　when　she　wrote　her　mind　was　busy　about　something　else。　Abruptly　at　last　he　understood。　　A　fact　that　had　never　been　stated；　never　formulated；　never　in　any　way　admitted；　was　suddenly　pointed　to　convergently　by　a　thousand　indicating　fingers；　and　beyond　question　perceived　to　be　THERE。　。　。　。　He　left　a　record　of　that　moment　of　realization。　〃Suddenly　one　night　I　woke　up　and　lay　still；　and　it　was　as　if　I　had　never　seen　Amanda　before。　　Now　I　saw　her　plainly；　I　saw　her　with　that　same　dreadful　clearness　that　sometimes　comes　at　dawn；　a　pitiless；　a　scientific　distinctness　that　has　neither　light　nor　shadow。　。　。　。　〃Of　course；〃　I　said；　and　then　presently　I　got　up　very　softly。　。　。　。　〃I　wanted　to　get　out　of　my　intolerable；　close；　personal　cabin。　　I　wanted　to　feel　the　largeness　of　the　sky。　　I　went　out　upon　the　deck。　We　were　off　the　coast　of　Madras；　and　when　I　think　of　that　moment；　there　comes　back　to　me　also　the　faint　flavour　of　spice　in　the　air；　the　low　line　of　the　coast；　the　cool　flooding　abundance　of　the　Indian　moonlight；　the　swish　of　the　black　water　against　the　side　of　the　ship。　　And　a　perception　of　infinite　loss；　as　if　the　limitless　heavens　above　this　earth　and　below　to　the　very　uttermost　star　were　just　one　boundless　cavity　from　which　delight　had　fled。　。　。　。　〃Of　course　I　had　lost　her。　　I　knew　it　with　absolute　certainty。　　I　knew　it　from　her　insecure　temperament；　her　adventurousness；　her　needs。　　I　knew　it　from　every　line　she　had　written　me　in　the　last　three　months。　　I　knew　it　intuitively。　　She　had　been　unfaithful。　　She　must　have　been　unfaithful。　〃What　had　I　been　dreaming　about　to　think　that　it　would　not　be　so？〃

21

〃Now　let　me　write　down　plainly　what　I　think　of　these　matters。　　Let　me　be　at　least　honest　with　myself；　whatever　self…contradictions　I　may　have　been　led　into　by　force　of　my　passions。　　Always　I　have　despised　jealousy。　。　。　。　〃Only　by　the　conquest　of　four　natural　limitations　is　the　aristocratic　life　to　be　achieved。　　They　come　in　a　certain　order；　and　in　that　order　the　spirit　of　man　is　armed　against　them　less　and　less　efficiently。　　Of　fear　and　my　struggle　against　fear　I　have　told　already。　　I　am　fearful。　　I　am　a　physical　coward　until　I　can　bring　shame　and　anger　to　my　assistance；　but　in　overcoming　fear　I　have　been　helped　by　the　whole　body　of　human　tradition。　　Every　one；　the　basest　creatures；　every　Hottentot；　every　stunted　creature　that　ever　breathed　poison　in　a　slum；　knows　that　the　instinctive　constitution　of　man　is　at　fault　here　and　that　fear　is　shameful　and　must　be　subdued。　　The　race　is　on　one's　side。　　And　so　there　is　a　vast　traditional　support　for　a　man　against　the　Second　Limitation；　the　limitation　of　physical　indulgence。　　It　is　not　so　universal　as　the　first；　there　is　a　grinning　bawling　humour　on　the　side　of　grossness；　but　common　pride　is　against　it。　　And　in　this　matter　my　temperament　has　been　my　help：　I　am　fastidious；　I　eat　little；　drink　little；　and　feel　a　shivering　recoil　from　excess。　　It　is　no　great　virtue；　it　happens　so；　it　is　something　in　the　nerves　of　my　skin。　　I　cannot　endure　myself　unshaven　or　in　any　way　unclean；　I　am　tormented　by　dirty　hands　or　dirty　blood　or　dirty　memories；　and　after　I　had　once　loved　Amanda　I　could　notunless　some　irrational　impulse　to　get　equal　with　her　had　caught　mehave　broken　my　faith　to　her；　whatever　breach　there　was　in　her　faith　to　me。　。　。　。　〃I　see　that　in　these　matters　I　am　cleaner　than　most　men　and　more　easily　clean；　and　it　may　be　that　it　is　in　th