the research magnificent-第57章

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　she　looked　‘used；'　she　drank　vodka　at　lunch；　she　was　gay；　uneasily；　she　seemed　a　sham　thing。　　All　that　was　prejudice。　　She　thinks；　she's　generous；　she's　fine。〃　〃She's　tragic；〃　said　Prothero　as　though　it　was　the　same　thing。　He　spoke　as　though　he　noted　an　objection。　　His　next　remark　confirmed　this　impression。　　〃That's　why　I　can't　take　her　back　to　Cambridge；〃　he　said。　〃You　see；　Benham；〃　he　went　on；　〃she's　human。　　She's　not　really　feminine。　　I　mean；　she'sunsexed。　　She　isn't　fitted　to　be　a　wife　or　a　mother　any　more。　　We've　talked　about　the　possible　life　in　England；　very　plainly。　　I've　explained　what　a　household　in　Cambridge　would　mean。　。　。　。　　It　doesn't　attract　her。　。　。　。　　In　a　way　she's　been　let　out　from　womanhood；　forced　out　of　womanhood；　and　I　see　now　that　when　women　are　let　out　from　womanhood　there's　no　putting　them　back。　　I　could　give　a　lecture　on　Anna。　　I　see　now　that　if　women　are　going　to　be　wives　and　mothers　and　homekeepers　and　ladies；　they　must　be　got　ready　for　it　from　the　beginning；　sheltered；　never　really　let　out　into　the　wild　chances　of　life。　　She　has　been。　　Bitterly。　　She's　REALLY　emancipated。　　And　it's　let　her　out　into　a　sort　of　nothingness。　　She's　no　longer　a　woman；　and　she　isn't　a　man。　　She　ought　to　be　able　to　go　on　her　ownlike　a　man。　　But　I　can't　take　her　back　to　Cambridge。　　Even　for　her　sake。〃　His　perplexed　eyes　regarded　Benham。　〃You　won't　be　happy　in　Cambridgealone；〃　said　Benham。　〃Oh；　damnably　not！　　But　what　can　I　do？　　I　had　at　first　some　idea　of　coming　to　Moscow　for　goodteaching。〃　He　paused。　　〃Impossible。　　I'm　worth　nothing　here。　　I　couldn't　have　kept　her。〃　〃Then　what　are　you　going　to　do；　Billy？〃　〃I　don't　KNOW　what　I'm　going　to　do；　I　tell　you。　　I　live　for　the　moment。　　To…morrow　we　are　going　out　into　the　country。〃　〃I　don't　understand；〃　said　Benham　with　a　gesture　of　resignation。　〃It　seems　to　me　that　if　a　man　and　woman　love　each　otherwell；　they　insist　upon　each　other。　　What　is　to　happen　to　her　if　you　leave　her　in　Moscow？〃　〃Damnation！　　Is　there　any　need　to　ask　that？〃　〃Take　her　to　Cambridge；　man。　　And　if　Cambridge　objects；　teach　Cambridge　better　manners。〃　Prothero's　face　was　suddenly　transfigured　with　rage。　〃I　tell　you　she　won't　come！〃　he　said。　〃Billy！〃　said　Benham；　〃you　should　make　her！〃　〃I　can't。〃　〃If　a　man　loves　a　woman　he　can　make　her　do　anything〃　〃But　I　don't　love　her　like　that；〃　said　Prothero；　shrill　with　anger。　〃I　tell　you　I　don't　love　her　like　that。〃　Then　he　lunged　into　further　deeps。　　〃It's　the　other　men；〃　he　said；　〃it's　the　things　that　have　been。　　Don't　you　understand？　　Can't　you　understand？　　The　memoriesshe　must　have　memoriesthey　come　between　us。　　It's　something　deeper　than　reason。　　It's　in　one's　spine　and　under　one's　nails。　　One　could　do　anything；　I　perceive；　for　one's　very　own　woman。　。　。　。〃　〃MAKE　her　your　very　own　woman；　said　the　exponent　of　heroic　love。　〃I　shirk　deeds；　Benham；　but　you　shirk　facts。　　How　could　any　man　make　her　his　very　own　woman　now？　　Youyou　don't　seem　to　understand　ANYTHING。　　She's　nobody's　womanfor　ever。　　Thatthat　might…have…　been　has　gone　for　ever。　。　。　。　　It's　nervesa　passion　of　the　nerves。　There's　a　cruelty　in　life　and　　She's　KIND　to　me。　　She's　so　kind　to　me。　。　。　。〃　And　then　again　Prothero　was　weeping　like　a　vexed　child。

15

The　end　of　Prothero's　first　love　affair　came　to　Benham　in　broken　fragments　in　letters。　　When　he　looked　for　Anna　Alexievna　in　Decemberhe　never　learnt　her　surnamehe　found　she　had　left　the　Cosmopolis　Bazaar　soon　after　Prothero's　departure　and　he　could　not　find　whither　she　had　gone。　　He　never　found　her　again。　　Moscow　and　Russia　had　swallowed　her　up。　Of　course　she　and　Prothero　parted；　that　was　a　foregone　conclusion。　But　Prothero's　manner　of　parting　succeeded　in　being　at　every　phase　a　shock　to　Benham's　ideas。　　It　was　clear　he　went　off　almost　callously；　it　would　seem　there　was　very　little　crying。　　Towards　the　end　it　was　evident　that　the　two　had　quarrelled。　　The　tears　only　came　at　the　very　end　of　all。　　It　was　almost　as　if　he　had　got　through　the　passion　and　was　glad　to　go。　　Then　came　regret；　a　regret　that　increased　in　geometrical　proportion　with　every　mile　of　distance。　In　Warsaw　it　was　that　grief　really　came　to　Prothero。　　He　had　some　hours　there　and　he　prowled　the　crowded　streets；　seeing　girls　and　women　happy　with　their　lovers；　abroad　upon　bright　expeditions　and　full　of　delicious　secrets；　girls　and　women　who　ever　and　again　flashed　out　some　instant　resemblance　to　Anna。　。　。　。　In　Berlin　he　stopped　a　night　and　almost　decided　that　he　would　go　back。　　〃But　now　I　had　the　damned　frontier；〃　he　wrote；　〃between　us。〃　It　was　so　entirely　in　the　spirit　of　Prothero；　Benham　thought；　to　let　the　〃damned　frontier〃　tip　the　balance　against　him。　Then　came　a　scrawl　of　passionate　confession；　so　passionate　that　it　seemed　as　if　Prothero　had　been　transfigured。　　〃I　can't　stand　this　business；〃　he　wrote。　　〃It　has　things　in　it；　possibilities　of　emotional　disturbanceyou　can　have　no　idea！　　In　the　trainluckily　I　was　alone　in　the　compartmentI　sat　and　thought；　and　suddenly；　I　could　not　help　it；　I　was　weepingnoisy　weeping；　an　uproar！　　A　beastly　German　came　and　stood　in　the　corridor　to　stare。　　I　had　to　get　out　of　the　train。　　It　is　disgraceful；　it　is　monstrous　we　should　be　made　like　this。　。　。　。　〃Here　I　am　stranded　in　Hanover　with　nothing　to　do　but　to　write　to　you　about　my　dismal　feelings。　。　。　。〃　After　that　surely　there　was　nothing　before　a　broken…hearted　Prothero　but　to　go　on　with　his　trailing　wing　to　Trinity　and　a　life　of　inappeasable　regrets；　but　again　Benham　reckoned　without　the　invincible　earthliness　of　his　friend。　　Prothero　stayed　three　nights　in　Paris。　〃There　is　an　extraordinary　excitement　about　Paris；〃　he　wrote。　　〃A　levity。　　I　suspect　the　gypsum　in　the　subsoilsome　as　yet　undescribed　radiations。　　Suddenly　the　world　looks　brightly　cynical。　。　。　。　　None　of　those　tear…compelling　German　emanations。　。　。　。　〃And；　Benham；　I　have　found　a　friend。　〃A　woman。　　Of　course　you　will　laugh；　you　will　sneer。　　You　do　not　understand　these　things。　。　。　。　　Yet　they　are　so　simple。　　It　was　the　strangest　accident　brought　us　together。　　There　was　something　that　drew　us　together。　　A　sort　of　instinct。　　Near　the　Boulevard　Poissoniere。　。　。　。〃　〃Good　heavens！〃　said　Benham。　　〃A　sort　of　instinct！〃　〃I　told　her　all　about　Anna！〃　〃Good　Lord！〃　cried　Benham。　〃She　understood。　　Perfectly。　　None　of　your　so…called　‘respectable'　women　could　have　understood。　。　。　。　　At　first　I　intended　merely　to　talk　to　her。　。　。　。〃　Benham　crumpled　the　letter　in　his　hand。　〃Little　Anna　Alexievna！〃　he　said；　〃you　were　too　clean　for　him。〃

16

Benham　had　a　vision　of　Prothero　returning　from　all　this　foreign　travel　meekly；　pensively；　a　little　sadly；　and　yet　not　without　a　kind　of　relief；　to　the　grey　mildness　of　Trinity。　　He　saw　him；　capped　and　gowned；　and　restored　to　academic　dignity　again；　nodding　greetings；　resuming　friendships。　The　little　man　merged　again　into　his　rare　company　of　discreet　Benedicts　and　restrained　celibates　at　the　high　tables。　　They　ate　on　in　their　mature　wisdom　long　after　the　undergraduates　had　fled。　Presently　they　would　withdraw　processionally　to　the　combination　room。　。　。　。　There　would　be　much　to　talk　about　over　the　wine。　Benham　speculated　what　account　Prothero　would　give　of　Moscow。　。　。　。　He　laughed　abruptly。　And　with　that　laugh　Prothero　dropped　out　of　Benham's　world　for　a　space　of　years。　　There　may　have　been　other　letters；　but　if　so　they　were　lost　in　the　heaving　troubles　of　a　revolution…strained　post…　office。　　Perhaps　to　this　day　they　linger　sere　and　yellow　in　some　forgotten　pigeon…hole　in　Kishinev　or　Ekaterinoslav。　。　。　。

17

In　November；　after　an　adventure　in　the　trader's　quarter　of　Kieff　which　had　brought　him　within　an　inch　of　death；　and　because　an　emotional　wave　had　swept　across　him　and　across　his　correspondence　with　Amanda；　Benham　went　back　suddenly　to　England　and　her。　　He　wanted　very　greatly　to　see　her　and　also　he　wanted　to　make　certain　arrangements　about　his　property。　　He　returned　by　way　of　Hungary；　and　sent　telegrams　like　shouts　of　excitement　whenever　the　train　stopped　for　a　sufficient　time。　　〃Old　Leopard；　I　am　coming；　I　am　coming；〃　he　telegraphed；　announcing　his　coming　for　the　fourth　time。　　It　was　to　be　the　briefest　of　visits；　very　passionate；　the　mutual　refreshment　of　two　noble　lovers；　and　then　he　was　returning　to　Russia　again。　Amanda　was　at　C