the research magnificent-第51章

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mpel　her　to　go　his　way。　　What　is　the　use　of　dragging　an　unwilling　companion　through　morasses　of　uncongenial　thought　to　unsought　ends？　What　is　the　use　of　dragging　even　a　willing　pretender；　who　has　no　inherent　will　to　seek　and　live　the　aristocratic　life？　〃But　that　does　not　excuse　him　from　obedience　to　his　own　call。　。　。　。〃　He　wrote　that　very　early　in　his　examination　of　the　Third　Limitation。　Already　he　had　thought　out　and　judged　Amanda。　　The　very　charm　of　her；　the　sweetness；　the　nearness　and　magic　of　her；　was　making　him　more　grimly　resolute　to　break　away。　　All　the　elaborate　process　of　thinking　her　over　had　gone　on　behind　the　mask　of　his　silences　while　she　had　been　preoccupied　with　her　housing　and　establishment　in　London；　it　was　with　a　sense　of　extraordinary　injustice；　of　having　had　a　march　stolen　upon　her；　of　being　unfairly　trapped；　that　Amanda　found　herself　faced　by　foregone　conclusions。　　He　was　ready　now　even　with　the　details　of　his　project。　　She　should　go　on　with　her　life　in　London　exactly　as　she　had　planned　it。　　He　would　take　fifteen　hundred　a　year　for　himself　and　all　the　rest　she　might　spend　without　check　or　stint　as　it　pleased　her。　　He　was　going　round　the　world　for　one　or　two　years。　　It　was　even　possible　he　would　not　go　alone。　　There　was　a　man　at　Cambridge　he　might　persuade　to　come　with　him；　a　don　called　Prothero　who　was　peculiarly　useful　in　helping　him　to　hammer　out　his　ideas。　。　。　。　To　her　it　became　commandingly　necessary　that　none　of　these　things　should　happen。　She　tried　to　play　upon　his　jealousy；　but　her　quick　instinct　speedily　told　her　that　this　only　hardened　his　heart。　　She　perceived　that　she　must　make　a　softer　appeal。　　Now　of　a　set　intention　she　began　to　revive　and　imitate　the　spontaneous　passion　of　the　honeymoon；　she　perceived　for　the　first　time　clearly　how　wise　and　righteous　a　thing　it　is　for　a　woman　to　bear　a　child。　　〃He　cannot　go　if　I　am　going　to　have　a　child；〃　she　told　herself。　　But　that　would　mean　illness；　and　for　illness　in　herself　or　others　Amanda　had　the　intense　disgust　natural　to　her　youth。　　Yet　even　illness　would　be　better　than　this　intolerable　publication　of　her　husband's　ability　to　leave　her　side。　。　。　。　She　had　a　wonderful　facility　of　enthusiasm　and　she　set　herself　forthwith　to　cultivate　a　philoprogenitive　ambition；　to　communicate　it　to　him。　　Her　dread　of　illness　disappeared；　her　desire　for　offspring　grew。　〃Yes；〃　he　said；　〃I　want　to　have　children；　but　I　must　go　round　the　world　none　the　less。〃　She　argued　with　all　the　concentrated　subtlety　of　her　fine　keen　mind。　She　argued　with　persistence　and　repetition。　　And　then　suddenly　so　that　she　was　astonished　at　herself；　there　came　a　moment　when　she　ceased　to　argue。　She　stood　in　the　dusk　in　a　window　that　looked　out　upon　the　park；　and　she　was　now　so　intent　upon　her　purpose　as　to　be　still　and　self…　forgetful；　she　was　dressed　in　a　dinner…dress　of　white　and　pale　green；　that　set　off　her　slim　erect　body　and　the　strong　clear　lines　of　her　neck　and　shoulders　very　beautifully；　some　greenish　stones　caught　a　light　from　without　and　flashed　soft　whispering　gleams　from　amidst　the　misty　darkness　of　her　hair。　　She　was　going　to　Lady　Marayne　and　the　opera；　and　he　was　bound　for　a　dinner　at　the　House　with　some　young　Liberals　at　which　he　was　to　meet　two　representative　Indians　with　a　grievance　from　Bengal。　　Husband　and　wife　had　but　a　few　moments　together。　　She　asked　about　his　company　and　he　told　her。　〃They　will　tell　you　about　India。〃　〃Yes。〃　She　stood　for　a　moment　looking　out　across　the　lights　and　the　dark　green　trees；　and　then　she　turned　to　him。　〃Why　cannot　I　come　with　you？〃　she　asked　with　sudden　passion。　　〃Why　cannot　I　see　the　things　you　want　to　see？〃　〃I　tell　you　you　are　not　interested。　　You　would　only　be　interested　through　me。　　That　would　not　help　me。　　I　should　just　be　dealing　out　my　premature　ideas　to　you。　　If　you　cared　as　I　care；　if　you　wanted　to　know　as　I　want　to　know；　it　would　be　different。　　But　you　don't。　　It　isn't　your　fault　that　you　don't。　　It　happens　so。　　And　there　is　no　good　in　forced　interest；　in　prescribed　discovery。〃　〃Cheetah；〃　she　asked；　〃what　is　it　that　you　want　to　knowthat　I　don't　care　for？〃　〃I　want　to　know　about　the　world。　　I　want　to　rule　the　world。〃　〃So　do　I。〃　〃No；　you　want　to　have　the　world。〃　〃Isn't　it　the　same？〃　〃No。　　You're　a　greedier　thing　than　I　am；　you　Black　Leopard　you　standing　there　in　the　dusk。　　You're　a　stronger　thing。　　Don't　you　know　you're　stronger？　　When　I　am　with　you；　you　carry　your　point；　because　you　are　more　concentrated；　more　definite；　less　scrupulous。　When　you　run　beside　me　you　push　me　out　of　my　path。　。　。　。　　You've　made　me　afraid　of　you。　。　。　。　　And　so　I　won't　go　with　you；　Leopard。　I　go　alone。　　It　isn't　because　I　don't　love　you。　　I　love　you　too　well。　　It　isn't　because　you　aren't　beautiful　and　wonderful。　。　。　。〃　〃But；　Cheetah！　nevertheless　you　care　more　for　this　that　you　want　than　you　care　for　me。〃　Benham　thought　of　it。　　〃I　suppose　I　do；〃　he　said。　〃What　is　it　that　you　want？　　Still　I　don't　understand。〃　Her　voice　had　the　break　of　one　who　would　keep　reasonable　in　spite　of　pain。　〃I　ought　to　tell　you。〃　〃Yes；　you　ought　to　tell　me。〃　〃I　wonder　if　I　can　tell　you；〃　he　said　very　thoughtfully；　and　rested　his　hands　on　his　hips。　　〃I　shall　seem　ridiculous　to　you。〃　〃You　ought　to　tell　me。〃　〃I　think　what　I　want　is　to　be　king　of　the　world。〃　She　stood　quite　still　staring　at　him。　〃I　do　not　know　how　I　can　tell　you　of　it。　　Amanda；　do　you　remember　those　bodiesyou　saw　those　bodiesthose　mutilated　men？〃　〃I　saw　them；〃　said　Amanda。　〃Well。　　Is　it　nothing　to　you　that　those　things　happen？〃　〃They　must　happen。〃　〃No。　　They　happen　because　there　are　no　kings　but　pitiful　kings。　They　happen　because　the　kings　love　their　Amandas　and　do　not　care。〃　〃But　what　can　YOU　do；　Cheetah？〃　〃Very　little。　　But　I　can　give　my　life　and　all　my　strength。　　I　can　give　all　I　can　give。〃　〃But　how？　　How　can　you　help　ithelp　things　like　that　massacre？〃　〃I　can　do　my　utmost　to　find　out　what　is　wrong　with　my　world　and　rule　it　and　set　it　right。〃　〃YOU！　　Alone。〃　〃Other　men　do　as　much。　　Every　one　who　does　so　helps　others　to　do　so。　You　see　。　。　。　　In　this　world　one　may　wake　in　the　night　and　one　may　resolve　to　be　a　king；　and　directly　one　has　resolved　one　is　a　king。　Does　that　sound　foolishness　to　you？　　Anyhow；　it's　fair　that　I　should　tell　you；　though　you　count　me　a　fool。　　Thisthis　kingshipthis　dream　of　the　nightis　my　life。　　It　is　the　very　core　of　me。　　Much　more　than　you　are。　　More　than　anything　else　can　be。　　I　mean　to　be　a　king　in　this　earth。　　KING。　　I'm　not　mad。　。　。　。　　I　see　the　world　staggering　from　misery　to　misery　and　there　is　little　wisdom；　less　rule；　folly；　prejudice；　limitation；　the　good　things　come　by　chance　and　the　evil　things　recover　and　slay　them；　and　it　is　my　world　and　I　am　responsible。　　Every　man　to　whom　this　light　has　come　is　responsible。　　As　soon　as　this　light　comes　to　you；　as　soon　as　your　kingship　is　plain　to　you；　there　is　no　more　rest；　no　peace；　no　delight；　except　in　work；　in　service；　in　utmost　effort。　　As　far　as　I　can　do　it　I　will　rule　my　world。　　I　cannot　abide　in　this　smug　city；　I　cannot　endure　its　self…complacency；　its　routine；　its　gloss　of　success；　its　rottenness。　。　。　。　　I　shall　do　little；　perhaps　I　shall　do　nothing；　but　what　I　can　understand　and　what　I　can　do　I　will　do。　Think　of　that　wild　beautiful　country　we　saw；　and　the　mean　misery；　the　filth　and　the　warring　cruelty　of　the　life　that　lives　there；　tragedy；　tragedy　without　dignity；　and　think；　too；　of　the　limitless　ugliness　here；　and　of　Russia　slipping　from　disorder　to　massacre；　and　China；　that　sea　of　human　beings；　sliding　steadily　to　disaster。　　Do　you　think　these　are　only　things　in　the　newspapers？　　To　me　at　any　rate　they　are　not　things　in　newspapers；　they　are　pain　and　failure；　they　are　torment；　they　are　blood　and　dust　and　misery。　　They　haunt　me　day　and　night。　　Even　if　it　is　utterly　absurd　I　will　still　do　my　utmost。　　It　IS　absurd。　　I'm　a　madman　and　you　and　my　mother　are　sensible　people。　。　。　。　　And　I　will　go　my　way。　。　。　。　　I　don't　care　for　the　absurdity。　　I　don't　care　a　rap。〃　He　stopped　abruptly。　〃There　you　have　it；　Amanda。　　It's　rant；　perhaps。　　Sometimes　I　feel　it's　rant。　　And　yet　it's　the　breath　of　life　to　me。　。　。　。　　There　you　are。　。　。　。　　At　last　I've　been　able　to　break　silence　and　tell　you。　。　。　。〃　He　stopped　with　something　like　a　sob　and　stood　regarding　the　dusky　myster