the research magnificent-第3章

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RRIBLE。〃　〃Well；　who　began　it？〃　asked　Benham。　A　flash　of　lightning　lit　the　dormitory　and　showed　him　to　White　white…faced　and　ablaze　with　excitement；　sitting　up　with　the　bed…　clothes　about　him。　　〃Oh　WOW！〃　wailed　the　muffled　voice　of　little　Hopkins　as　the　thunder　burst　like　a　giant　pistol　overhead；　and　he　buried　his　head　still　deeper　in　the　bedclothes　and　gave　way　to　unappeasable　grief。　Latham's　voice　came　out　of　the　darkness。　　〃This　ATHEISM　that　you　and　Billy　Prothero　have　brought　into　the　school〃　He　started　violently　at　another　vivid　flash；　and　every　one　remained　silent；　waiting　for　the　thunder。　。　。　。　But　White　remembered　no　more　of　the　controversy　because　he　had　made　a　frightful　discovery　that　filled　and　blocked　his　mind。　　Every　time　the　lightning　flashed；　there　was　a　red　light　in　Benham's　eyes。　。　。　。　It　was　only　three　days　after　when　Prothero　discovered　exactly　the　same　phenomenon　in　the　School　House　boothole　and　talked　of　cats　and　cattle；　that　White's　confidence　in　their　friend　was　partially　restored。　。　。　。

4

〃Fear；　the　First　Limitation〃his　title　indicated　the　spirit　of　Benham's　opening　book　very　clearly。　　His　struggle　with　fear　was　the　very　beginning　of　his　soul's　history。　　It　continued　to　the　end。　　He　had　hardly　decided　to　lead　the　noble　life　before　he　came　bump　against　the　fact　that　he　was　a　physical　coward。　　He　felt　fear　acutely。　　〃Fear；〃　he　wrote；　〃is　the　foremost　and　most　persistent　of　the　shepherding　powers　that　keep　us　in　the　safe　fold；　that　drive　us　back　to　the　beaten　track　and　comfort　andfutility。　　The　beginning　of　all　aristocracy　is　the　subjugation　of　fear。〃　At　first　the　struggle　was　so　great　that　he　hated　fear　without　any　qualification；　he　wanted　to　abolish　it　altogether。　〃When　I　was　a　boy；〃　he　writes；　〃I　thought　I　would　conquer　fear　for　good　and　all；　and　never　more　be　troubled　by　it。　　But　it　is　not　to　be　done　in　that　way。　　One　might　as　well　dream　of　having　dinner　for　the　rest　of　one's　life。　　Each　time　and　always　I　have　found　that　it　has　to　be　conquered　afresh。　　To　this　day　I　fear；　little　things　as　well　as　big　things。　　I　have　to　grapple　with　some　little　dread　every　day　urge　myself。　。　。　。　　Just　as　I　have　to　wash　and　shave　myself　every　day。　。　。　。　　I　believe　it　is　so　with　every　one；　but　it　is　difficult　to　be　sure；　few　men　who　go　into　dangers　care　very　much　to　talk　about　fear。　。　。　。〃　Later　Benham　found　some　excuses　for　fear；　came　even　to　dealings　with　fear。　　He　never；　however；　admits　that　this　universal　instinct　is　any　better　than　a　kindly　but　unintelligent　nurse　from　whose　fostering　restraints　it　is　man's　duty　to　escape。　　Discretion；　he　declared；　must　remain；　a　sense　of　proportion；　an　〃adequacy　of　enterprise；〃　but　the　discretion　of　an　aristocrat　is　in　his　head；　a　tactical　detail；　it　has　nothing　to　do　with　this　visceral　sinking；　this　ebb　in　the　nerves。　　〃From　top　to　bottom；　the　whole　spectrum　of　fear　is　bad；　from　panic　fear　at　one　extremity　down　to　that　mere　disinclination　for　enterprise；　that　reluctance　and　indolence　which　is　its　lowest　phase。　　These　are　things　of　the　beast；　these　are　for　creatures　that　have　a　settled　environment；　a　life　history；　that　spin　in　a　cage　of　instincts。　　But　man　is　a　beast　of　that　kind　no　longer；　he　has　left　his　habitat；　he　goes　out　to　limitless　living。　。　。　。〃　This　idea　of　man　going　out　into　new　things；　leaving　securities；　habits；　customs；　leaving　his　normal　life　altogether　behind　him；　underlay　all　Benham's　aristocratic　conceptions。　　And　it　was　natural　that　he　should　consider　fear　as　entirely　inconvenient；　treat　it　indeed　with　ingratitude；　and　dwell　upon　the　immense　liberations　that　lie　beyond　for　those　who　will　force　themselves　through　its　remonstrances。　。　。　。　Benham　confessed　his　liability　to　fear　quite　freely　in　these　notes。　His　fear　of　animals　was　ineradicable。　　He　had　had　an　overwhelming　dread　of　bears　until　he　was　twelve　or　thirteen；　the　child's　irrational　dread　of　impossible　bears；　bears　lurking　under　the　bed　and　in　the　evening　shadows。　　He　confesses　that　even　up　to　manhood　he　could　not　cross　a　field　containing　cattle　without　keeping　a　wary　eye　upon　themhis　bull　adventure　rather　increased　than　diminished　that　dispositionhe　hated　a　strange　dog　at　his　heels　and　would　manoeuvre　himself　as　soon　as　possible　out　of　reach　of　the　teeth　or　heels　of　a　horse。　　But　the　peculiar　dread　of　his　childhood　was　tigers。　　Some　gaping　nursemaid　confronted　him　suddenly　with　a　tiger　in　a　cage　in　the　menagerie　annexe　of　a　circus。　　〃My　small　mind　was　overwhelmed。〃　〃I　had　never　thought；〃　White　read；　〃that　a　tiger　was　much　larger　than　a　St。　Bernard　dog。　。　。　。　　This　great　creature！　。　。　。　　I　could　not　believe　any　hunter　would　attack　such　a　monster　except　by　stealth　and　with　weapons　of　enormous　power。　。　。　。　〃He　jerked　himself　to　and　fro　across　his　cramped；　rickety　cage　and　looked　over　my　head　with　yellow　eyesat　some　phantom　far　away。　Every　now　and　then　he　snarled。　　The　contempt　of　his　detestable　indifference　sank　deeper　and　deeper　into　my　soul。　　I　knew　that　were　the　cage　to　vanish　I　should　stand　there　motionless；　his　helpless　prey。　　I　knew　that　were　he　at　large　in　the　same　building　with　me　I　should　be　too　terror…stricken　to　escape　him。　　At　the　foot　of　a　ladder　leading　clear　to　escape　I　should　have　awaited　him　paralyzed。　At　last　I　gripped　my　nurse's　hand。　　‘Take　me　away；'　I　whispered。　〃In　my　dreams　that　night　he　stalked　me。　　I　made　my　frozen　flight　from　him；　I　slammed　a　door　on　him；　and　he　thrust　his　paw　through　a　panel　as　though　it　had　been　paper　and　clawed　for　me。　　The　paw　got　longer　and　longer。　。　。　。　〃I　screamed　so　loudly　that　my　father　came　up　from　his　study。　〃I　remember　that　he　took　me　in　his　arms。　〃‘It's　only　a　big　sort　of　pussy；　Poff；'　he　said。　　FELIS　TIGRIS。　FELIS；　you　know；　means　cat。'　〃But　I　knew　better。　　I　was　in　no　mood　then　for　my　father's　insatiable　pedagoguery。　〃‘And　my　little　son　mustn't　be　a　coward。'　。　。　。　〃After　that　I　understood　I　must　keep　silence　and　bear　my　tigers　alone。　〃For　years　the　thought　of　that　tiger's　immensity　haunted　my　mind。　In　my　dreams　I　cowered　before　it　a　thousand　times；　in　the　dusk　it　rarely　failed　me。　　On　the　landing　on　my　way　to　bed　there　was　a　patch　of　darkness　beyond　a　chest　that　became　a　lurking　horror　for　me；　and　sometimes　the　door　of　my　father's　bedroom　would　stand　open　and　there　was　a　long　buff　and　crimson…striped　shape；　by　day　indeed　an　ottoman；　but　by　night。　　Could　an　ottoman　crouch　and　stir　in　the　flicker　of　a　passing　candle？　　Could　an　ottoman　come　after　you　noiselessly；　and　so　close　that　you　could　not　even　turn　round　upon　it？　　No！〃

5

When　Benham　was　already　seventeen　and；　as　he　supposed；　hardened　against　his　fear　of　beasts；　his　friend　Prothero　gave　him　an　account　of　the　killing　of　an　old　labouring　man　by　a　stallion　which　had　escaped　out　of　its　stable。　　The　beast　had　careered　across　a　field；　leapt　a　hedge　and　come　upon　its　victim　suddenly。　　He　had　run　a　few　paces　and　stopped；　trying　to　defend　his　head　with　the　horse　rearing　over　him。　　It　beat　him　down　with　two　swift　blows　of　its　fore　hoofs；　one；　two；　lifted　him　up　in　its　long　yellow　teeth　and　worried　him　as　a　terrier　does　a　ratthe　poor　old　wretch　was　still　able　to　make　a　bleating　sound　at　thatdropped　him；　trampled　and　kicked　him　as　he　tried　to　crawl　away；　and　went　on　trampling　and　battering　him　until　he　was　no　more　than　a　bloody　inhuman　bundle　of　clothes　and　mire。　For　more　than　half　an　hour　this　continued；　and　then　its　animal　rage　was　exhausted　and　it　desisted；　and　went　and　grazed　at　a　little　distance　from　this　misshapen；　hoof…marked；　torn；　and　muddy　remnant　of　a　man。　　No　one　it　seems　but　a　horror…stricken　child　knew　what　was　happening。　。　。　。　This　picture　of　human　indignity　tortured　Benham's　imagination　much　more　than　it　tortured　the　teller　of　the　tale。　　It　filled　him　with　shame　and　horror。　　For　three　or　four　years　every　detail　of　that　circumstantial　narrative　seemed　unforgettable。　　A　little　lapse　from　perfect　health　and　the　obsession　returned。　　He　could　not　endure　the　neighing　of　horses：　when　he　saw　horses　galloping　in　a　field　with　him　his　heart　stood　still。　　And　all　his　life　thereafter　he　hated　horses。

6

A　different　sort　of　fear　that　also　greatly　afflicted　Benham　was　due　to　a　certain　clumsiness　and　insecurity　he　felt　in　giddy　and　unstable　places。　　There　he　was　more　definitely　balanced　between　the　hope