appendix-d-第2章

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wife　in　the　street；　and　then　right　in　the　midst　of　this

so　simple　undertaking　halts　these　approaching　people

and　makes　them　stand　still　until　he　jots　down　an　inventory

of　the　woman's　dress。　　That　is　manifestly　absurd。　

It　reminds　a　person　of　those　dentists　who　secure　your　instant

and　breathless　interest　in　a　tooth　by　taking　a　grip　on　it

with　the　forceps；　and　then　stand　there　and　drawl　through

a　tedious　anecdote　before　they　give　the　dreaded　jerk。　

Parentheses　in　literature　and　dentistry　are　in　bad　taste。　



The　Germans　have　another　kind　of　parenthesis；　which　they

make　by　splitting　a　verb　in　two　and　putting　half　of　it

at　the　beginning　of　an　exciting　chapter　and　the　OTHER

HALF　at　the　end　of　it。　　Can　any　one　conceive　of　anything

more　confusing　than　that？　These　things　are　called

〃separable　verbs。〃　The　German　grammar　is　blistered

all　over　with　separable　verbs；　and　the　wider　the　two

portions　of　one　of　them　are　spread　apart；　the　better

the　author　of　the　crime　is　pleased　with　his　performance。　

A　favorite　one　is　REISTE　ABwhich　means　departed。　

Here　is　an　example　which　I　culled　from　a　novel　and　reduced

to　English：



〃The　trunks　being　now　ready；　he　DE…　after　kissing　his

mother　and　sisters；　and　once　more　pressing　to　his　bosom

his　adored　Gretchen；　who；　dressed　in　simple　white　muslin；

with　a　single　tuberose　in　the　ample　folds　of　her　rich

brown　hair；　had　tottered　feebly　down　the　stairs；　still　pale

from　the　terror　and　excitement　of　the　past　evening；

but　longing　to　lay　her　poor　aching　head　yet　once　again

upon　the　breast　of　him　whom　she　loved　more　dearly　than

life　itself；　PARTED。〃



However；　it　is　not　well　to　dwell　too　much　on　the

separable　verbs。　　One　is　sure　to　lose　his　temper　early；

and　if　he　sticks　to　the　subject；　and　will　not　be　warned；

it　will　at　last　either　soften　his　brain　or　petrify　it。　

Personal　pronouns　and　adjectives　are　a　fruitful　nuisance

in　this　language；　and　should　have　been　left　out。　

For　instance；　the　same　sound；　SIE；　means　YOU；　and　it　means　SHE；

and　it　means　HER；　and　it　means　IT；　and　it　means　THEY；

and　it　means　THEM。　　Think　of　the　ragged　poverty　of　a

language　which　has　to　make　one　word　do　the　work　of　sixand

a　poor　little　weak　thing　of　only　three　letters　at　that。　

But　mainly；　think　of　the　exasperation　of　never　knowing

which　of　these　meanings　the　speaker　is　trying　to　convey。　

This　explains　why；　whenever　a　person　says　SIE　to　me；

I　generally　try　to　kill　him；　if　a　stranger。　



Now　observe　the　Adjective。　　Here　was　a　case　where　simplicity

would　have　been　an　advantage；　therefore；　for　no　other　reason；

the　inventor　of　this　language　complicated　it　all　he　could。　

When　we　wish　to　speak　of　our　〃good　friend　or　friends；〃

in　our　enlightened　tongue；　we　stick　to　the　one　form　and　have

no　trouble　or　hard　feeling　about　it；　but　with　the　German

tongue　it　is　different。　　When　a　German　gets　his　hands

on　an　adjective；　he　declines　it；　and　keeps　on　declining

it　until　the　common　sense　is　all　declined　out　of　it。　

It　is　as　bad　as　Latin。　　He　says；　for　instance：



SINGULAR



NominativeMein　gutER　Freund；　my　good　friend。　

GenitivesMeinES　GutEN　FreundES；　of　my　good　friend。　

DativeMeinEM　gutEN　Freund；　to　my　good　friend。　

AccusativeMeinEN　gutEN　Freund；　my　good　friend。　



PLURAL



N。MeinE　gutEN　FreundE；　my　good　friends。　　G。MeinER　gutEN

FreundE；　of　my　good　friends。　　D。MeinEN　gutEN　FreundEN；

to　my　good　friends。　　A。MeinE　gutEN　FreundE；　my　good　friends。　



Now　let　the　candidate　for　the　asylum　try　to　memorize

those　variations；　and　see　how　soon　he　will　be　elected。　

One　might　better　go　without　friends　in　Germany　than　take

all　this　trouble　about　them。　　I　have　shown　what　a　bother

it　is　to　decline　a　good　（male）　friend；　well　this　is

only　a　third　of　the　work；　for　there　is　a　variety　of　new

distortions　of　the　adjective　to　be　learned　when　the　object

is　feminine；　and　still　another　when　the　object　is　neuter。　

Now　there　are　more　adjectives　in　this　language　than　there

are　black　cats　in　Switzerland；　and　they　must　all　be　as

elaborately　declined　as　the　examples　above　suggested。　

Difficult？troublesome？these　words　cannot　describe　it。　

I　heard　a　Californian　student　in　Heidelberg　say；　in　one　of

his　calmest　moods；　that　he　would　rather　decline　two　drinks

than　one　German　adjective。　



The　inventor　of　the　language　seems　to　have　taken　pleasure

in　complicating　it　in　every　way　he　could　think　of。　

For　instance；　if　one　is　casually　referring　to　a　house；

HAUS；　or　a　horse；　PFERD；　or　a　dog；　HUND；　he　spells　these

words　as　I　have　indicated；　but　if　he　is　referring　to　them

in　the　Dative　case；　he　sticks　on　a　foolish　and　unnecessary

E　and　spells　them　HAUSE；　PFERDE；　HUNDE。　　So；　as　an　added

E　often　signifies　the　plural；　as　the　S　does　with　us；

the　new　student　is　likely　to　go　on　for　a　month　making

twins　out　of　a　Dative　dog　before　he　discovers　his　mistake；

and　on　the　other　hand；　many　a　new　student　who　could　ill

afford　loss；　has　bought　and　paid　for　two　dogs　and　only

got　one　of　them；　because　he　ignorantly　bought　that　dog

in　the　Dative　singular　when　he　really　supposed　he　was

talking　pluralwhich　left　the　law　on　the　seller's　side；

of　course；　by　the　strict　rules　of　grammar；　and　therefore

a　suit　for　recovery　could　not　lie。　



In　German；　all　the　Nouns　begin　with　a　capital　letter。　

Now　that　is　a　good　idea；　and　a　good　idea；　in　this　language；

is　necessarily　conspicuous　from　its　lonesomeness。　　I　consider

this　capitalizing　of　nouns　a　good　idea；　because　by　reason

of　it　you　are　almost　always　able　to　tell　a　noun　the　minute

you　see　it。　　You　fall　into　error　occasionally；　because　you

mistake　the　name　of　a　person　for　the　name　of　a　thing；

and　waste　a　good　deal　of　time　trying　to　dig　a　meaning

out　of　it。　　German　names　almost　always　do　mean　something；

and　this　helps　to　deceive　the　student。　　I　translated

a　passage　one　day；　which　said　that　〃the　infuriated　tigress

broke　loose　and　utterly　ate　up　the　unfortunate　fir　forest〃

（Tannenwald）。　When　I　was　girding　up　my　loins　to　doubt　this；

I　found　out　that　Tannenwald　in　this　instance　was　a

man's　name。　



Every　noun　has　a　gender；　and　there　is　no　sense　or　system

in　the　distribution；　so　the　gender　of　each　must　be

learned　separately　and　by　heart。　　There　is　no　other　way。　

To　do　this　one　has　to　have　a　memory　like　a　memorandum…book。

In　German；　a　young　lady　has　no　sex；　while　a　turnip　has。　

Think　what　overwrought　reverence　that　shows　for　the　turnip；

and　what　callous　disrespect　for　the　girl。　　See　how　it

looks　in　printI　translate　this　from　a　conversation

in　one　of　the　best　of　the　German　Sunday…school　books：



〃Gretchen。　Wilhelm；　where　is　the　turnip？



〃Wilhelm。　She　has　gone　to　the　kitchen。　



〃Gretchen。　Where　is　the　accomplished　and　beautiful　English

maiden？



Wilhelm。　　It　has　gone　to　the　opera。〃



To　continue　with　the　German　genders：　a　tree　is　male；　its　buds

are　female；　its　leaves　are　neuter；　horses　are　sexless；

dogs　are　male；　cats　are　femaletomcats　included；　of　course；

a　person's　mouth；　neck；　bosom；　elbows；　fingers；　nails；　feet；

and　body　are　of　the　male　sex；　and　his　head　is　male

or　neuter　according　to　the　word　selected　to　signify　it；

and　NOT　according　to　the　sex　of　the　individual　who　wears

itfor　in　Germany　all　the　women　either　male　heads　or

sexless　ones；　a　person's　nose；　lips；　shoulders；　breast；

hands；　and　toes　are　of　the　female　sex；　and　his　hair；

ears；　eyes；　chin；　legs；　knees；　heart；　and　conscience

haven't　any　sex　at　all。　　The　inventor　of　the　language

probably　got　what　he　knew　about　a　conscience　from　hearsay。　



Now；　by　the　above　dissection；　the　reader　will　see　that　in

Germany　a　man　may　THINK　he　is　a　man；　but　when　he　comes　to　look

into　the　matter　closely；　he　is　bound　to　have　his　doubts；

he　finds　that　in　sober　truth　he　is　a　most　ridiculous　mixture；

and　if　he　ends　by　trying　to　comfort　himself　with　the

thought　that　he　can　at　least　depend　on　a　third　of　this

mess　as　being　manly　and　masculine；　the　humiliating　second

thought　will　quickly　remind　him　that　in　thi