resurrection(复活)-第35章

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somewhere　deep　in　her　soul；　she　had　forgotten　him；　and　never
recalled　and　never　even　dreamt　of　him。　To…day；　in　the　court；　she
did　not　recognise　him；　not　only　because　when　she　last　saw　him　he
was　in　uniform；　without　a　beard；　and　had　only　a　small　moustache
and　thick；　curly；　though　short　hair；　and　now　was　bald　and
bearded；　but　because　she　never　thought　about　him。　She　had　buried
his　memory　on　that　terrible　dark　night　when　he；　returning　from
the　army；　had　passed　by　on　the　railway　without　stopping　to　call
on　his　aunts。　Katusha　then　knew　her　condition。　Up　to　that　night
she　did　not　consider　the　child　that　lay　beneath　her　heart　a
burden。　But　on　that　night　everything　changed；　and　the　child
became　nothing　but　a　weight。

His　aunts　had　expected　Nekhludoff；　had　asked　him　to　come　and　see
them　in　passing；　but　he　had　telegraphed　that　he　could　not　come；
as　he　had　to　be　in　Petersburg　at　an　appointed　time。　When　Katusha
heard　this　she　made　up　her　mind　to　go　to　the　station　and　see　him。
The　train　was　to　pass　by　at　two　o'clock　in　the　night。　Katusha
having　helped　the　old　ladies　to　bed；　and　persuaded　a　little　girl；
the　cook's　daughter；　Mashka；　to　come　with　her；　put　on　a　pair　of
old　boots；　threw　a　shawl　over　her　head；　gathered　up　her　dress；
and　ran　to　the　station。

It　was　a　warm；　rainy；　and　windy　autumn　night。　The　rain　now　pelted
down　in　warm；　heavy　drops；　now　stopped　again。　It　was　too　dark　to
see　the　path　across　the　field；　and　in　the　wood　it　was　pitch
black；　so　that　although　Katusha　knew　the　way　well；　she　got　off
the　path；　and　got　to　the　little　station　where　the　train　stopped
for　three　minutes；　not　before；　as　she　had　hoped；　but　after　the
second　bell　had　been　rung。　Hurrying　up　the　platform；　Katusha　saw
him　at　once　at　the　windows　of　a　first…class　carriage。　Two
officers　sat　opposite　each　other　on　the　velvet…covered　seats；
playing　cards。　This　carriage　was　very　brightly　lit　up；　on　the
little　table　between　the　seats　stood　two　thick；　dripping　candles。
He　sat　in　his　closefitting　breeches　on　the　arm　of　the　seat；
leaning　against　the　back；　and　laughed。　As　soon　as　she　recognised
him　she　knocked　at　the　carriage　window　with　her　benumbed　hand；
but　at　that　moment　the　last　bell　rang；　and　the　train　first　gave　a
backward　jerk；　and　then　gradually　the　carriages　began　to　move
forward。　One　of　the　players　rose　with　the　cards　in　his　hand；　and
looked　out。　She　knocked　again；　and　pressed　her　face　to　the
window；　but　the　carriage　moved　on；　and　she　went　alongside　looking
in。　The　officer　tried　to　lower　the　window；　but　could　not。
Nekhludoff　pushed　him　aside　and　began　lowering　it　himself。　The
train　went　faster；　so　that　she　had　to　walk　quickly。　The　train
went　on　still　faster　and　the　window　opened。　The　guard　pushed　her
aside；　and　jumped　in。　Katusha　ran　on；　along　the　wet　boards　of　the
platform；　and　when　she　came　to　the　end　she　could　hardly　stop
herself　from　falling　as　she　ran　down　the　steps　of　the　platform。
She　was　running　by　the　side　of　the　railway；　though　the
first…class　carriage　had　long　passed　her；　and　the　second…class
carriages　were　gliding　by　faster；　and　at　last　the　third…class
carriages　still　faster。　But　she　ran　on；　and　when　the　last
carriage　with　the　lamps　at　the　back　had　gone　by；　she　had　already
reached　the　tank　which　fed　the　engines；　and　was　unsheltered　from
the　wind；　which　was　blowing　her　shawl　about　and　making　her　skirt
cling　round　her　legs。　The　shawl　flew　off　her　head；　but　still　she
ran　on。

〃Katerina　Michaelovna；　you've　lost　your　shawl！〃　screamed　the
little　girl；　who　was　trying　to　keep　up　with　her。

Katusha　stopped；　threw　back　her　head；　and　catching　hold　of　it
with　both　hands　sobbed　aloud。　〃Gone！〃　she　screamed。

〃He　is　sitting　in　a　velvet　arm…chair　and　joking　and　drinking；　in
a　brightly　lit　carriage；　and　I；　out　here　in　the　mud；　in　the
darkness；　in　the　wind　and　the　rain；　am　standing　and　weeping；〃　she
thought　to　herself；　and　sat　down　on　the　ground；　sobbing　so　loud
that　the　little　girl　got　frightened；　and　put　her　arms　round　her；
wet　as　she　was。

〃Come　home；　dear；〃　she　said。

〃When　a　train　passesthen　under　a　carriage；　and　there　will　be　an
end；〃　Katusha　was　thinking；　without　heeding　the　girl。

And　she　made　up　her　mind　to　do　it；　when；　as　it　always　happens；
when　a　moment　of　quiet　follows　great　excitement；　he；　the
childhis　childmade　himself　known　within　her。　Suddenly　all
that　a　moment　before　had　been　tormenting　her；　so　that　it　had
seemed　impossible　to　live；　all　her　bitterness　towards　him；　and
the　wish　to　revenge　herself；　even　by　dying；　passed　away；　she　grew
quieter；　got　up；　put　the　shawl　on　her　head；　and　went　home。

Wet；　muddy；　and　quite　exhausted；　she　returned；　and　from　that　day
the　change　which　brought　her　where　she　now　was　began　to　operate
in　her　soul。　Beginning　from　that　dreadful　night；　she　ceased
believing　in　God　and　in　goodness。　She　had　herself　believed　in
God；　and　believed　that　other　people　also　believed　in　Him；　but
after　that　night　she　became　convinced　that　no　one　believed；　and
that　all　that　was　said　about　God　and　His　laws　was　deception　and
untruth。　He　whom　she　loved；　and　who　had　loved　heryes；　she　knew
thathad　thrown　her　away；　had　abused　her　love。　Yet　he　was　the
best　of　all　the　people　she　knew。　All　the　rest　were　still　worse。
All　that　afterwards　happened　to　her　strengthened　her　in　this
belief　at　every　step。　His　aunts；　the　pious　old　ladies；　turned　her
out　when　she　could　no　longer　serve　them　as　she　used　to。　And　of
all　those　she　met；　the　women　used　her　as　a　means　of　getting
money；　the　men；　from　the　old　police　officer　down　to　the　warders
of　the　prison；　looked　at　her　as　on　an　object　for　pleasure。　And　no
one　in　the　world　cared　for　aught　but　pleasure。　In　this　belief　the
old　author　with　whom　she　had　come　together　in　the　second　year　of
her　life　of　independence　had　strengthened　her。　He　had　told　her
outright　that　it　was　this　that　constituted　the　happiness　of　life；
and　he　called　it　poetical　and　aesthetic。

Everybody　lived　for　himself　only；　for　his　pleasure；　and　all　the
talk　concerning　God　and　righteousness　was　deception。　And　if
sometimes　doubts　arose　in　her　mind　and　she　wondered　why
everything　was　so　ill…arranged　in　the　world　that　all　hurt　each
other；　and　made　each　other　suffer；　she　thought　it　best　not　to
dwell　on　it；　and　if　she　felt　melancholy　she　could　smoke；　or；
better　still；　drink；　and　it　would　pass。


CHAPTER　XXXVIII。

SUNDAY　IN　PRISONPREPARING　FOR　MASS。

On　Sunday　morning　at　five　o'clock；　when　a　whistle　sounded　in　the
corridor　of　the　women's　ward　of　the　prison；　Korableva；　who　was
already　awake；　called　Maslova。

〃Oh；　dear！　life　again；〃　thought　Maslova；　with　horror；
involuntarily　breathing　in　the　air　that　had　become　terribly
noisome　towards　the　morning。　She　wished　to　fall　asleep　again；　to
enter　into　the　region　of　oblivion；　but　the　habit　of　fear　overcame
sleepiness；　and　she　sat　up　and　looked　round；　drawing　her　feet
under　her。　The　women　had　all　got　up；　only　the　elder　children　were
still　asleep。　The　spirit…trader　was　carefully　drawing　a　cloak
from　under　the　children；　so　as　not　to　wake　them。　The　watchman's
wife　was　hanging　up　the　rags　to　dry　that　served　the　baby　as
swaddling　clothes；　while　the　baby　was　screaming　desperately　in
Theodosia's　arms；　who　was　trying　to　quiet　it。　The　consumptive
woman　was　coughing　with　her　hands　pressed　to　her　chest；　while　the
blood　rushed　to　her　face；　and　she　sighed　loudly；　almost
screaming；　in　the　intervals　of　coughing。　The　fat；　red…haired
woman　was　lying　on　her　back；　with　knees　drawn　up；　and　loudly
relating　a　dream。　The　old　woman　accused　of　incendiarism　was
standing　in　front　of　the　image；　crossing　herself　and　bowing；　and
repeating　the　same　words　over　and　over　again。　The　deacon's
daughter　sat　on　the　bedstead；　looking　before　her；　with　a　dull；
sleepy　face。　Khoroshavka　was　twisting　her　black；　oily；　coarse
hair　round　her　fingers。　The　sound　of　slipshod　feet　was　heard　in
the　passage；　and　the　door　opened　to　let　in　two　convicts；　dressed
in　jackets　and　grey　trousers　that　did　not　reach　to　their　ankles。
With　serious；　cross　faces　they　lifted　the　stinking　tub　and
carried　it　out　of　the　cell。　The　women　went　out　to　the　taps　in　the
corridor　to　wash。　There　the　red…haired　woman　again　began　a
quarrel　with　a　woman　from　another　cell。

〃Is　i