resurrection(复活)-第27章

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through　with　this　jury　business；　and　arrange　with　the　advocate
first。〃

Then　suddenly　there　arose　in　his　mind　an　extremely　vivid　picture
of　a　prisoner　with　black；　slightly…squinting　eyes；　and　how　she
began　to　cry　when　the　last　words　of　the　prisoners　had　been　heard；
and　he　hurriedly　put　out　his　cigarette；　pressing　it　into　the
ash…pan；　lit　another；　and　began　pacing　up　and　down　the　room。　One
after　another　the　scenes　he　had　lived　through　with　her　rose　in
his　mind。　He　recalled　that　last　interview　with　her。　He　remembered
the　white　dress　and　blue　sash；　the　early　mass。　〃Why；　I　loved　her；
really　loved　her　with　a　good；　pure　love；　that　night；　I　loved　her
even　before：　yes；　I　loved　her　when　I　lived　with　my　aunts　the
first　time　and　was　writing　my　composition。〃　And　he　remembered
himself　as　he　had　been　then。　A　breath　of　that　freshness；　youth
and　fulness　of　life　seemed　to　touch　him；　and　he　grew　painfully
sad。　The　difference　between　what　he　had　been　then　and　what　he　was
now；　was　enormousjust　as　great；　if　not　greater　than　the
difference　between　Katusha　in　church　that　night；　and　the
prostitute　who　had　been　carousing　with　the　merchant　and　whom　they
judged　this　morning。　Then　he　was　free　and　fearless；　and
innumerable　possibilities　lay　ready　to　open　before　him；　now　he
felt　himself　caught　in　the　meshes　of　a　stupid；　empty；　valueless；
frivolous　life；　out　of　which　he　saw　no　means　of　extricating
himself　even　if　he　wished　to；　which　he　hardly　did。　He　remembered
how　proud　he　was　at　one　time　of　his　straightforwardness；　how　he
had　made　a　rule　of　always　speaking　the　truth；　and　really　had　been
truthful；　and　how　he　was　now　sunk　deep　in　lies：　in　the　most
dreadful　of　lieslies　considered　as　the　truth　by　all　who
surrounded　him。　And；　as　far　as　he　could　see；　there　was　no　way　out
of　these　lies。　He　had　sunk　in　the　mire；　got　used　to　it；　indulged
himself　in　it。

How　was　he　to　break　off　his　relations　with　Mary　Vasilievna　and
her　husband　in　such　a　way　as　to　be　able　to　look　him　and　his
children　in　the　eyes？　How　disentangle　himself　from　Missy？　How
choose　between　the　two　oppositesthe　recognition　that　holding
land　was　unjust　and　the　heritage　from　his　mother？　How　atone　for
his　sin　against　Katusha？　This　last；　at　any　rate；　could　not　be
left　as　it　was。　He　could　not　abandon　a　woman　he　had　loved；　and
satisfy　himself　by　paying　money　to　an　advocate　to　save　her　from
hard　labour　in　Siberia。　She　had　not　even　deserved　hard　labour。
Atone　for　a　fault　by　paying　money？　Had　he　not　then；　when　he　gave
her　the　money；　thought　he　was　atoning　for　his　fault？

And　he　clearly　recalled　to　mind　that　moment　when；　having　caught
her　up　in　the　passage；　he　thrust　the　money　into　her　bib　and　ran
away。　〃Oh；　that　money！〃　he　thought　with　the　same　horror　and
disgust　he　had　then　felt。　〃Oh；　dear！　oh；　dear！　how　disgusting；〃
he　cried　aloud　as　he　had　done　then。　〃Only　a　scoundrel；　a　knave；
could　do　such　a　thing。　And　I　am　that　knave；　that　scoundrel！〃　He
went　on　aloud：　〃But　is　it　possible？〃he　stopped　and　stood
still〃is　it　possible　that　I　am　really　a　scoundrel？　。　。　。
Well；　who　but　I？〃　he　answered　himself。　〃And　then；　is　this　the
only　thing？〃　he　went　on；　convicting　himself。　〃Was　not　my　conduct
towards　Mary　Vasilievna　and　her　husband　base　and　disgusting？　And
my　position　with　regard　to　money？　To　use　riches　considered　by　me
unlawful　on　the　plea　that　they　are　inherited　from　my　mother？　And
the　whole　of　my　idle；　detestable　life？　And　my　conduct　towards
Katusha　to　crown　all？　Knave　and　scoundrel！　Let　men　judge　me　as
they　like；　I　can　deceive　them；　but　myself　I　cannot　deceive。〃

And；　suddenly；　he　understood　that　the　aversion　he　had　lately；　and
particularly　to…day；　felt　for　everybodythe　Prince　and　Sophia
Vasilievna　and　Corney　and　Missywas　an　aversion　for　himself。
And；　strange　to　say；　in　this　acknowledgement　of　his　baseness
there　was　something　painful　yet　joyful　and　quieting。

More　than　once　in　Nekhludoff's　life　there　had　been　what　he　called
a　〃cleansing　of　the　soul。〃　By　〃cleansing　of　the　soul〃　he　meant　a
state　of　mind　in　which；　after　a　long　period　of　sluggish　inner
life；　a　total　cessation　of　its　activity；　he　began　to　clear　out
all　the　rubbish　that　had　accumulated　in　his　soul；　and　was　the
cause　of　the　cessation　of　the　true　life。　His　soul　needed
cleansing　as　a　watch　does。　After　such　an　awakening　Nekhludoff
always　made　some　rules　for　himself　which　he　meant　to　follow
forever　after；　wrote　his　diary；　and　began　afresh　a　life　which　he
hoped　never　to　change　again。　〃Turning　over　a　new　leaf；〃　he　called
it　to　himself　in　English。　But　each　time　the　temptations　of　the
world　entrapped　him；　and　without　noticing　it　he　fell　again；　often
lower　than　before。

Thus　he　had　several　times　in　his　life　raised　and　cleansed
himself。　The　first　time　this　happened　was　during　the　summer　he
spent　with　his　aunts；　that　was　his　most　vital　and　rapturous
awakening；　and　its　effects　had　lasted　some　time。　Another
awakening　was　when　he　gave　up　civil　service　and　joined　the　army
at　war　time；　ready　to　sacrifice　his　life。　But　here　the　choking…up
process　was　soon　accomplished。　Then　an　awakening　came　when　he
left　the　army　and　went　abroad；　devoting　himself　to　art。

From　that　time　until　this　day　a　long　period　had　elapsed　without
any　cleansing；　and　therefore　the　discord　between　the　demands　of
his　conscience　and　the　life　he　was　leading　was　greater　than　it
had　ever　been　before。　He　was　horror…struck　when　he　saw　how　great
the　divergence　was。　It　was　so　great　and　the　defilement　so
complete　that　he　despaired　of　the　possibility　of　getting
cleansed。　〃Have　you　not　tried　before　to　perfect　yourself　and
become　better；　and　nothing　has　come　of　it？〃　whispered　the　voice
of　the　tempter　within。　〃What　is　the　use　of　trying　any　more？　Are
you　the　only　one？All　are　alike；　such　is　life；〃　whispered　the
voice。　But　the　free　spiritual　being；　which　alone　is　true；　alone
powerful；　alone　eternal；　had　already　awakened　in　Nekhludoff；　and
he　could　not　but　believe　it。　Enormous　though　the　distance　was
between　what　he　wished　to　be　and　what　he　was；　nothing　appeared
insurmountable　to　the　newly…awakened　spiritual　being。

〃At　any　cost　I　will　break　this　lie　which　binds　me　and　confess
everything；　and　will　tell　everybody　the　truth；　and　act　the　truth；
〃he　said　resolutely；　aloud。　〃I　shall　tell　Missy　the　truth；　tell
her　I　am　a　profligate　and　cannot　marry　her；　and　have　only
uselessly　upset　her。　I　shall　tell　Mary　Vasilievna。　。　。　Oh；　there
is　nothing　to　tell　her。　I　shall　tell　her　husband　that　I；
scoundrel　that　I　am；　have　been　deceiving　him。　I　shall　dispose　of
the　inheritance　in　such　a　way　as　to　acknowledge　the　truth。　I
shall　tell　her；　Katusha；　that　I　am　a　scoundrel　and　have　sinned
towards　her；　and　will　do　all　I　can　to　ease　her　lot。　Yes；　I　will
see　her；　and　will　ask　her　to　forgive　me。

〃Yes；　I　will　beg　her　pardon；　as　children　do。〃　。　。　。　He
stopped…〃will　marry　her　if　necessary。〃　He　stopped　again；　folded
his　hands　in　front　of　his　breast　as　he　used　to　do　when　a　little
child；　lifted　his　eyes；　and　said；　addressing　some　one：　〃Lord；
help　me；　teach　me；　come　enter　within　me　and　purify　me　of　all　this
abomination。〃

He　prayed；　asking　God　to　help　him；　to　enter　into　him　and　cleanse
him；　and　what　he　was　praying　for　had　happened　already：　the　God
within　him　had　awakened　his　consciousness。　He　felt　himself　one
with　Him；　and　therefore　felt　not　only　the　freedom；　fulness　and
joy　of　life；　but　all　the　power　of　righteousness。　All；　all　the
best　that　a　man　could　do　he　felt　capable　of　doing。

His　eyes　filled　with　tears　as　he　was　saying　all　this　to　himself；
good　and　bad　tears：　good　because　they　were　tears　of　joy　at　the
awakening　of　the　spiritual　being　within　him；　the　being　which　had
been　asleep　all　these　years；　and　bad　tears　because　they　were
tears　of　tenderness　to　himself　at　his　own　goodness。

He　felt　hot；　and　went　to　the　window　and　opened　it。　The　window
opened　into　a　garden。　It　was　a　moonlit；　quiet；　fresh　night；　a
vehicle　rattled　past；　and　then　all　was　still。　The　shadow　of　a
tall　poplar　fell　on　the　ground　just　opposite　the　window；　and　all
the　intricate　pattern　of　its　bare　branches　was　clearly　defined　on
the　clean　swept　gravel。　To　the　left　the　roof　of　a　coach…house
shone　white　in　the　moonlight；　in　front　the　black　shadow　of　the
garden　w