the hungry stones and other stories-第17章

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and's　skill。

But　after　a　while　the　agony　became　unbearable。　　My　eyesight　faded　away；　and　I　had　continual　headaches　day　and　night。　　I　saw　how　much　alarmed　my　husband　was　getting。　　I　gathered　from　his　manner　that　he　was　casting　about　for　a　pretext　to　call　in　a　doctor。　　So　I　hinted　that　it　might　be　as　well　to　call　one　in。

That　he　was　greatly　relieved；　I　could　see。　　He　called　in　an　English　doctor　that　very　day。　　I　do　not　know　what　talk　they　had　together；　but　I　gathered　that　the　Sahib　had　spoken　very　sharply　to　my　husband。

He　remained　silent　for　some　time　after　the　doctor　had　gone。　　I　took　his　hands　in　mine；　and　said：　〃What　an　ill…mannered　brute　that　was！　　Why　didn't　you　call　in　an　Indian　doctor？　　That　would　have　been　much　better。　Do　you　think　that　man　knows　better　than　you　do　about　my　eyes？〃

My　husband　was　very　silent　for　a　moment；　and　then　said　with　a　broken　voice：　〃Kumo；　your　eyes　must　be　operated　on。〃

I　pretended　to　be　vexed　with　him　for　concealing　the　fact　from　me　so　long。

〃Here　you　have　known　this　all　the　time；〃　said　I；　〃and　yet　you　have　said　nothing　about　it！　　Do　you　think　I　am　such　a　baby　as　to　be　afraid　of　an　operation？〃

At　that　be　regained　his　good　spirits：　〃There　are　very　few　men；〃　said　he；　〃who　are　heroic　enough　to　look　forward　to　an　operation　without　shrinking。〃

I　laughed　at　him：　〃Yes；　that　is　so。　　Men　are　heroic　only　before　their　wives！〃

He　looked　at　me　gravely；　and　said：　〃You　are　perfectly　right。　　We　men　are　dreadfully　vain。〃

I　laughed　away　his　seriousness：　〃Are　you　sure　you　can　beat　us　women　even　in　vanity？　〃

When　Dada　came；　I　took　him　aside：　〃Dada；　that　treatment　your　doctor　recommended　would　have　done　me　a　world　of　good；　only　unfortunately。　　I　mistook　the　mixture　for　the　lotion。　　And　since　the　day　I　made　the　mistake；　my　eyes　have　grown　steadily　worse；　and　now　an　operation　is　needed。〃

Dada　said　to　me：　〃You　were　under　your　husband's　treatment；　and　that　is　why　I　gave　up　coming　to　visit　you。〃

〃No；〃　I　answered。　〃In　reality；　I　was　secretly　treating　myself　in　accordance　with　your　doctor's　directions。〃

Oh！　　what　lies　we　women　have　to　tell！　　When　we　are　mothers；　we　tell　lies　to　pacify　our　children；　and　when　we　are　wives；　we　tell　lies　to　pacify　the　fathers　of　our　children。　　We　are　never　free　from　this　necessity。

My　deception　had　the　effect　of　bringing　about　a　better　feeling　between　my　husband　and　Dada。　　Dada　blamed　himself　for　asking　me　to　keep　a　secret　from　my　husband：　and　my　husband　regretted　that　he　had　not　taken　my　brother's　advice　at　the　first。

At　last；　with　the　consent　of　both；　an　English　doctor　came；　and　operated　on　my　left　eye。　　That　eye；　however；　was　too　weak　to　bear　the　strain；　and　the　last　flickering　glimmer　of　light　went　out。　　Then　the　other　eye　gradually　lost　itself　in　darkness。

One　day　my　husband　came　to　my　bedside。　〃I　cannot　brazen　it　out　before　you　any　longer；〃　said　he；　〃Kumo；　it　is　I　who　have　ruined　your　eyes。〃

I　felt　that　his　voice　was　choking　with　tears；　and　so　I　took　up　his　right　hand　in　both　of　mine　and　said：　〃Why！　　you　did　exactly　what　was　right。　You　have　dealt　only　with　that　which　was　your　very　own。　　Just　imagine；　if　some　strange　doctor　had　come　and　taken　away　my　eyesight。　　What　consolation　should　I　have　had　then？　　But　now　I　can　feel　that　all　has　happened　for　the　best；　and　my　great　comfort　is　to　know　that　it　is　at　your　hands　I　have　lost　my　eyes。　　When　Ramchandra　found　one　lotus　too　few　with　which　to　worship　God；　he　offered　both　his　eyes　in　place　of　the　lotus。　　And　I　hate　dedicated　my　eyes　to　my　God。　　From　now；　whenever　you　see　something　that　is　a　joy　to　you；　then　you　must　describe　it　to　me；　and　I　will　feed　upon　your　words　as　a　sacred　gift　left　over　from　your　vision。〃

I　do　not　mean；　of　course；　that　I　said　all　this　there　and　then；　for　it　is　impossible　to　speak　these　things　an　the　spur　of　the　moment。　　But　I　used　to　think　over　words　like　these　for　days　and　days　together。　　And　when　I　was　very　depressed；　or　if　at　any　time　the　light　of　my　devotion　became　dim；　and　I　pitied　my　evil　fate；　then　I　made　my　mind　utter　these　sentences；　one　by　one；　as　a　child　repeats　a　story　that　is　told。　　And　so　I　could　breathe　once　more　the　serener　air　of　peace　and　love。

At　the　very　time　of　our　talk　together；　I　said　enough　to　show　my　husband　what　was　in　my　heart。

〃Kumo；〃　he　said　to　me；　〃the　mischief　I　have　done　by　my　folly　can　never　be　made　good。　　But　I　can　do　one　thing。　　I　can　ever　remain　by　your　side；　and　try　to　make　up　for　your　want　of　vision　as　much　as　is　in　my　power。〃

〃No；〃　said　I。　〃That　will　never　do。　　I　shall　not　ask　you　to　turn　your　house　into　an　hospital　for　the　blind。　　There　is　only　one　thing　to　be　done；　you　must　marry　again。〃

As　I　tried　to　explain　to　him　that　this　was　necessary；　my　voice　broke　a　little。　　I　coughed；　and　tried　to　hide　my　emotion；　but　he　burst　out　saying：

〃Kumo；　I　know　I　am　a　fool；　and　a　braggart；　and　all　that；　but　I　am　not　a　villain！　　If　ever　I　marry　again；　I　swear　to　youI　swear　to　you　the　most　solemn　oath　by　my　family　god；　Gopinathmay　that　most　hated　of　all　sins；　the　sin　of　parricide；　fall　on　my　head！〃

Ah！　　I　should　never；　never　have　allowed　him　to　swear　that　dreadful　oath。　But　tears　were　choking　my　voice；　and　I　could　not　say　a　word　for　insufferable　joy。　　I　hid　my　blind　face　in　my　pillows；　and　sobbed；　and　sobbed　again。　　At　last；　when　the　first　flood　of　my　tears　was　over；　I　drew　his　head　down　to　my　breast。

〃Ah　I　〃　said　I；　〃why　did　you　take　such　a　terrible　oath？　　Do　you　think　I　asked　you　to　marry　again　for　your　own　sordid　pleasure？　　No！　　I　was　thinking　of　myself；　for　she　could　perform　those　services　which　were　mine　to　give　you　when　I　had　my　sight。〃

〃Services！　〃　said　he；　〃services！　　Those　can　be　done　by　servants。　　Do　you　think　I　am　mad　enough　to　bring　a　slave　into　my　house；　and　bid　her　share　the　throne　with　this　my　Goddess？〃

As　he　said　the　word　〃Goddess；〃　he　held　up　my　face　in　his　hands；　and　placed　a　kiss　between　my　brows。　　At　that　moment　the　third　eye　of　divine　wisdom　was　opened；　where　he　kissed　me；　and　verily　I　had　a　consecration。

I　said　in　my　own　mind：　〃It　is　well。　　I　am　no　longer　able　to　serve　him　in　the　lower　world　of　household　cares。　　But　I　shall　rise　to　a　higher　region。　　I　shall　bring　down　blessings　from　above。　　No　more　lies！　　No　more　deceptions　for　me！　　All　the　littlenesses　and　hypocrisies　of　my　former　life　shall　be　banished　for　ever！〃

That　day；　the　whole　day　through；　I　felt　a　conflict　going　on　within　me。　The　joy　of　the　thought；　that　after　this　solemn　oath　it　was　impossible　for　my　husband　to　marry　again；　fixed　its　roots　deep　in　my　heart；　and　I　could　not　tear　them　out。　　But　the　new　Goddess；　who　had　taken　her　new　throne　in　me；　said：　〃The　time　might　come　when　it　would　be　good　for　your　husband　to　break　his　oath　and　marry　again。〃　　But　the　woman；　who　was　within　me；　said：　〃That　may　be；　but　all　the　same　an　oath　is　an　oath；　and　there　is　no　way　out。〃　　The　Goddess；　who　was　within　me；　answered：　〃That　is　no　reason　why　you　should　exult　over　it。〃　　But　the　woman；　who　was　within　me；　replied：　〃What　you　say　is　quite　true；　no　doubt；　all　the　same　he　has　taken　his　oath。〃　　And　the　same　story　went　on　again　and　again。　　At　last　the　Goddess　frowned　in　silence；　and　the　darkness　of　a　horrible　fear　came　down　upon　me。

My　repentant　husband　would　not　let　the　servants　do　my　work；　he　must　do　it　all　himself。　　At　first　it　gave　me　unbounded　delight　to　be　dependent　on　him　thus　for　every　little　thing。　　It　was　a　means　of　keeping　him　by　my　side；　and　my　desire　to　have　him　with　me　had　become　intense　since　my　blindness。　　That　share　of　his　presence；　which　my　eyes　had　lost；　my　other　senses　craved。　　When　he　was　absent　from　my　side；　I　would　feel　as　if　I　were　hanging　in　mid…air；　and　had　lost　my　hold　of　all　things　tangible。

Formerly；　when　my　husband　came　back　late　from　the　hospital；　I　used　to　open　my　window　and　gaze　at　the　road。　　That　road　was　the　link　which　connected　his　world　with　mine。　　Now　when　I　had　lost　that　link　through　my　blindness；　all　my　body　would　go　out　to　seek　him。　　The　bridge　that　united　us　had　given　way；　and　there　was　now　this　unsurpassable　chasm。　　When　he　left　my　side　the　gulf　seemed　to　yawn　wide　open。　　I　could　only　wait　for　the　time　when　he　should　cross　back　again　from　his　own　shore　to　mine。

But　such　intense　longing　and　such　utter　dependence　ca