youth-第7章

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and　his　remembrance　of　the　many　services　I　had　done　him　as　to　pay

the　cabman。　Thus　all　my　beautiful　feelings　ended　in　smoke。　When　I

went　upstairs　to　dress　for　church　and　go　to　Communion　with　the

rest　I　found　that　my　new　clothes　had　not　yet　come　home；　and　so　I

could　not　wear　them。　Then　I　sinned　headlong。　Donning　my　other

suit；　I　went　to　Communion　in　a　sad　state　of　mental　perturbation；

and　filled　with　complete　distrust　of　all　my　finer　impulses。



IX



HOW　I　PREPARED　MYSELF　FOR　THE　EXAMINATIONS



On　the　Thursday　in　Easter　week　Papa；　my　sister；　Katenka；　and　Mimi

went　away　into　the　country；　and　no　one　remained　in　my

grandmother's　great　house　but　Woloda；　St。　Jerome；　and　myself。　The

frame　of　mind　which　I　had　experienced　on　the　day　of　my　confession

and　during　my　subsequent　expedition　to　the　monastery　had　now

completely　passed　away；　and　left　behind　it　only　a　dim；　though

pleasing；　memory　which　daily　became　more　and　more　submerged　by

the　impressions　of　this　emancipated　existence。



The　folio　endorsed　〃Rules　of　My　Life〃　lay　concealed　beneath　a

pile　of　school…books。　Although　the　idea　of　the　possibility　of

framing　rules；　for　every　occasion　in　my　life　and　always　letting

myself　be　guided　by　them　still　pleased　me　（since　it　appeared　an

idea　at　once　simple　and　magnificent；　and　I　was　determined　to　make

practical　application　of　it）；　I　seemed　somehow　to　have　forgotten

to　put　it　into　practice　at　once；　and　kept　deferring　doing　so

until　such　and　such　a　moment。　At　the　same　time；　I　took　pleasure

in　the　thought　that　every　idea　which　now　entered　my　head　could　be

allotted　precisely　to　one　or　other　of　my　three　sections　of　tasks

and　dutiesthose　for　or　to　God；　those　for　or　to　my　neighbour；　and

those　for　or　to　myself。　〃I　can　always　refer　everything　to　them；〃

I　said　to　myself；　〃as　well　as　the　many；　many　other　ideas　which

occur　to　me　on　one　subject　or　another。〃　Yet　at　this　period　I

often　asked　myself；　〃Was　I　better　and　more　truthful　when　I　only

believed　in　the　power　of　the　human　intellect；　or　am　I　more　so

now；　when　I　am　losing　the　faculty　of　developing　that　power；　and

am　in　doubt　both　as　to　its　potency　and　as　to　its　importance？〃　To

this　I　could　return　no　positive　answer。



The　sense　of　freedom；　combined　with　the　spring…like　feeling　of

vague　expectation　to　which　I　have　referred　already；　so　unsettled

me　that　I　could　not　keep　myself　in　handcould　make　none　but　the

sorriest　of　preparations　for　my　University　ordeal。　Thus　I　was

busy　in　the　schoolroom　one　morning；　and　fully　aware　that　I　must

work　hard；　seeing　that　to…morrow　was　the　day　of　my　examination　in

a　subject　of　which　I　had　the　two　whole　questions　still　to　read

up；　yet　no　sooner　had　a　breath　of　spring　come　wafted　through　the

window　than　I　felt　as　though　there　were　something　quite　different

that　I　wished　to　recall　to　my　memory。　My　hands　laid　down　my　book；

my　feet　began　to　move　of　themselves；　and　to　set　me　walking　up　and

down　the　room；　and　my　head　felt　as　though　some　one　had　suddenly

touched　in　it　a　little　spring　and　set　some　machine　in　motionso

easily　and　swiftly　and　naturally　did　all　sorts　of　pleasing

fancies　of　which　I　could　catch　no　more　than　the　radiancy　begin

coursing　through　it。　Thus　one　hour；　two　hours；　elapsed

unperceived。　Even　if　I　sat　down　determinedly　to　my　book；　and

managed　to　concentrate　my　whole　attention　upon　what　I　was

reading；　suddenly　there　would　sound　in　the　corridor　the　footsteps

of　a　woman　and　the　rustle　of　her　dress。　Instantly　everything

would　escape　my　mind；　and　I　would　find　it　impossible　to　remain

still　any　longer；　however　much　I　knew　that　the　woman　could　only

be　either　Gasha　or　my　grandmother's　old　sewing…maid　moving　about

in　the　corridor。　〃Yet　suppose　it　should　be　SHE　all　at　once？〃　I

would　say　to　myself。　〃Suppose　IT　is　beginning　now；　and　I　were　to

lose　it？〃　and；　darting　out　into　the　corridor；　I　would　find；　each

time；　that　it　was　only　Gasha。　Yet　for　long　enough　afterwards　I

could　not　recall　my　attention　to　my　studies。　A　little　spring　had

been　touched　in　my　head；　and　a　strange　mental　ferment　started

afresh。　Again；　that　evening　I　was　sitting　alone　beside　a　tallow

candle　in　my　room。　Suddenly　I　looked　up　for　a　momentto　snuff

the　candle；　or　to　straighten　myself　in　my　chairand　at　once

became　aware　of　nothing　but　the　darkness　in　the　corners　and　the

blank　of　the　open　doorway。　Then；　I　also　became　conscious　how　still

the　house　was；　and　felt　as　though　I　could　do　nothing　else　than　go

on　listening　to　that　stillness；　and　gazing　into　the　black　square

of　that　open　doorway；　and　gradually　sinking　into　a　brown　study　as

I　sat　there　without　moving。　At　intervals；　however；　I　would　get

up；　and　go　downstairs；　and　begin　wandering　through　the　empty

rooms。　Once　I　sat　a　long　while　in　the　small　drawing…room　as　I

listened　to　Gasha　playing　〃The　Nightingale〃　（with　two　fingers）　on

the　piano　in　the　large　drawing…room；　where　a　solitary　candle

burned。　Later；　when　the　moon　was　bright；　I　felt　obliged　to　get

out　of　bed　and　to　lean　out　of　the　window；　so　that　I　might　gaze

into　the　garden；　and　at　the　lighted　roof　of　the　Shaposnikoff

mansion；　the　straight　tower　of　our　parish　church；　and　the　dark

shadows　of　the　fence　and　the　lilac…bush　where　they　lay　black　upon

the　path。　So　long　did　I　remain　there　that；　when　I　at　length

returned　to　bed；　it　was　ten　o'clock　in　the　morning　before　I　could

open　my　eyes　again。



In　short；　had　it　not　been　for　the　tutors　who　came　to　give　me

lessons；　as　well　as　for　St。　Jerome　（who　at　intervals；　and　very

grudgingly；　applied　a　spur　to　my　self…conceit）　and；　most　of　all；

for　the　desire　to　figure　as　〃clever〃　in　the　eyes　of　my　friend

Nechludoff　（who　looked　upon　distinctions　in　University

examinations　as　a　matter　of　first…rate　importance）had　it　not

been　for　all　these　things；　I　say；　the　spring　and　my　new　freedom

would　have　combined　to　make　me　forget　everything　I　had　ever

learnt；　and　so　to　go　through　the　examinations　to　no　purpose

whatsoever。



X



THE　EXAMINATION　IN　HISTORY



ON　the　16th　of　April　I　entered；　for　the　first　time；　and　under　the

wing　of　St。　Jerome；　the　great　hall　of　the　University。　I　had

driven　there　with　St。　Jerome　in　our　smart　phaeton　and　wearing　the

first　frockcoat　of　my　life；　while　the　whole　of　my　other　clothes

even　down　to　my　socks　and　linenwere　new　and　of　a　grander　sort。

When　a　Swiss　waiter　relieved　me　of　my　greatcoat；　and　I　stood

before　him　in　all　the　beauty　of　my　attire；　I　felt　almost　sorry　to

dazzle　him　so。　Yet　I　had　no　sooner　entered　the　bright；　carpeted；

crowded　hall；　and　caught　sight　of　hundreds　of　other　young　men　in

gymnasium　＇The　Russian　gymnasium　=　the　English　grammar　or

secondary　school。＇　uniforms　or　frockcoats　（of　whom　but　a　few

threw　me　an　indifferent　glance）；　as　well　as；　at　the　far　end；　of

some　solemn…looking　professors　who　were　seated　on　chairs　or

walking　carelessly　about　among　some　tables；　than　I　at　once　became

disabused　of　the　notion　that　I　should　attract　the　general

attention；　while　the　expression　of　my　face；　which　at　home；　and

even　in　the　vestibule　of　the　University　buildings；　had　denoted

only　a　kind　of　vague　regret　that　I　should　have　to　present　so

important　and　distinguished　an　appearance；　became　exchanged　for

an　expression　of　the　most　acute　nervousness　and　dejection。

However；　I　soon　picked　up　again　when　I　perceived　sitting　at　one

of　the　desks　a　very　badly；　untidily　dressed　gentleman　who；

though　not　really　old；　was　almost　entirely　grey。　He　was　occupying

a　seat　quite　at　the　back　of　the　hall　and　a　little　apart　from　the

rest；　so　I　hastened　to　sit　down　beside　him；　and　then　fell　to

looking　at　the　candidates　for　examination；　and　to　forming

conclusions　about　them。　Many　different　figures　and　faces　were

there　to　be　seen　there；　yet；　in　my　opinion；　they　all　seemed　to

divide　themselves　into　three　classes。　First　of　all；　there　were

youths　like　myself；　attending　for　examination　in　the　company　of

their　parents　or　tutors。　Among　such　I　could　see　the　youngest　Iwin

（accompanied　by　Frost）　and　Ilinka　Grap　（acco