youth-第44章

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I　looked　at　her　at　such　times　I　could　not　help　wondering　what

would　have　been　said　by　persons　who　had　been　ravished　to　behold

her　thus　if　they　could　have　seen　her　as　I　often　saw　her；　namely；

when；　waiting　in　the　lonely　midnight　hours　for　her　husband　to

return　from　his　club；　she　would　walk　like　a　shadow　from　room　to

room；　with　her　hair　dishevelled　and　her　form　clad　in　a　sort　of

dressing…jacket。　Presently；　she　would　sit　down　to　the　piano　and；

her　brows　all　puckered　with　the　effort；　play　over　the　only　waltz

that　she　knew；　after　which　she　would　pick　up　a　novel；　read　a　few

pages　somewhere　in　the　middle　of　it；　and　throw　it　aside。　Next；

repairing　in　person　to　the　dining…room；　so　as　not　to　disturb　the

servants；　she　would　get　herself　a　cucumber　and　some　cold　veal；

and　eat　it　standing　by　the　window…sillthen　once　more　resume　her

weary；　aimless；　gloomy　wandering　from　room　to　room。　But　what；

above　all　other　things；　caused　estrangement　between　us　was　that

lack　of　understanding　which　expressed　itself　chiefly　in　the

peculiar　air　of　indulgent　attention　with　which　she　would　listen

when　any　one　was　speaking　to　her　concerning　matters　of　which　she

had　no　knowledge。　It　was　not　her　fault　that　she　acquired　the

unconscious　habit　of　bending　her　head　down　and　smiling　slightly

with　her　lips　only　when　she　found　it　necessary　to　converse　on

topics　which　did　not　interest　her　（which　meant　any　topic　except

herself　and　her　husband）；　yet　that　smile　and　that　inclination　of

the　head；　when　incessantly　repeated；　could　become　unbearably

wearisome。　Also；　her　peculiar　gaietywhich　always　sounded　as

though　she　were　laughing　at　herself；　at　you；　and　at　the　world　in

generalwas　gauche　and　anything　but　infectious；　while　her

sympathy　was　too　evidently　forced。　Lastly；　she　knew　no　reticence

with　regard　to　her　ceaseless　rapturising　to　all　and　sundry

concerning　her　love　for　Papa。　Although　she　only　spoke　the　truth

when　she　said　that　her　whole　life　was　bound　up　with　him；　and

although　she　proved　it　her　life　long；　we　considered　such

unrestrained；　continual　insistence　upon　her　affection　for　him　bad

form；　and　felt　more　ashamed　for　her　when　she　was　descanting　thus

before　strangers　even　than　we　did　when　she　was　perpetrating　bad

blunders　in　French。　Yet；　although；　as　I　have　said；　she　loved　her

husband　more　than　anything　else　in　the　world；　and　he　too　had　a

great　affection　for　her　（or　at　all　events　he　had　at　first；　and

when　he　saw　that　others　besides　himself　admired　her　beauty）；　it

seemed　almost　as　though　she　purposely　did　everything　most　likely

to　displease　himsimply　to　prove　to　him　the　strength　of　her

love；　her　readiness　to　sacrifice　herself　for　his　sake；　and　the

fact　that　her　one　aim　in　life　was　to　win　his　affection！　She　was

fond　of　display；　and　my　father　too　liked　to　see　her　as　a　beauty

who　excited　wonder　and　admiration；　yet　she　sacrificed　her

weakness　for　fine　clothes　to　her　love　for　him；　and　grew　more　and

more　accustomed　to　remain　at　home　in　a　plain　grey　blouse。　Again；

Papa　considered　freedom　and　equality　to　be　indispensable

conditions　of　family　life；　and　hoped　that　his　favourite　Lubotshka

and　his　kind…hearted　young　wife　would　become　sincere　friends；　yet

once　again　Avdotia　sacrificed　herself　by　considering　it　incumbent

upon　her　to　pay　the　〃real　mistress　of　the　house；〃　as　she　called

Lubotshka；　an　amount　of　deference　which　only　shocked　and　annoyed

my　father。　Likewise；　he　played　cards　a　great　deal　that　winter；

and　lost　considerable　sums　towards　the　end　of　it；　wherefore；

unwilling；　as　usual；　to　let　his　gambling　affairs　intrude　upon　his

family　life；　he　began　to　preserve　complete　secrecy　concerning　his

play；　yet　Avdotia；　though　often　ailing；　as　well　as；　towards　the

end　of　the　winter；　enceinte；　considered　herself　bound　always　to

sit　up　（in　a　grey　blouse；　and　with　her　hair　dishevelled）　for　my

father　when；　at；　say；　four　or　five　o'clock　in　the　morning；　he

returned　home　from　the　club　ashamed；　depleted　in　pocket；　and

weary。　She　would　ask　him　absent…mindedly　whether　he　had　been

fortunate　in　play；　and　listen　with　indulgent　attention；　little

nods　of　her　head；　and　a　faint　smile　upon　her　face　as　he　told　her

of　his　doings　at　the　club　and　begged　her；　for　about　the　hundredth

time；　never　to　sit　up　for　him　again。　Yet；　though　Papa's　winnings

or　losings　（upon　which　his　substance　practically　depended）　in　no

way　interested　her；　she　was　always　the　first　to　meet　him　when　he

returned　home　in　the　small　hours　of　the　morning。　This　she　was

incited　to　do；　not　only　by　the　strength　of　her　devotion；　but　by　a

certain　secret　jealousy　from　which　she　suffered。　No　one　in　the

world　could　persuade　her　that　it　was　REALLY　from　his　club；　and

not　from　a　mistress's；　that　Papa　came　home　so　late。　She　would　try

to　read　love　secrets　in　his　face；　and；　discerning　none　there；

would　sigh　with　a　sort　of　enjoyment　of　her　grief；　and　give

herself　up　once　more　to　the　contemplation　of　her　unhappiness。



As　the　result　of　these　and　many　other　constant　sacrifices　which

occurred　in　Papa's　relations　with　his　wife　during　the

latter　months　of　that　winter　（a　time　when　he　lost　much；　and　was

therefore　out　of　spirits）；　there　gradually　grew　up　between　the

two　an　intermittent　feeling　of　tacit　hostilityof　restrained

aversion　to　the　object　of　devotion　of　the　kind　which　expresses

itself　in　an　unconscious　eagerness　to　show　the　object　in　question

every　possible　species　of　petty　annoyance。



XLIII



NEW　COMRADES



The　winter　had　passed　imperceptibly　and　the　thaw　begun　when　the

list　of　examinations　was　posted　at　the　University；　and　I　suddenly

remembered　that　I　had　to　return　answers　to　questions　in　eighteen

subjects　on　which　I　had　heard　lectures　delivered；　but　with　regard

to　some　of　which　I　had　taken　no　notes　and　made　no　preparation

whatever。　It　seems　strange　that　the　question　〃How　am　I　going　to

pass？〃　should　never　have　entered　my　head；　but　the　truth　is　that

all　that　winter　I　had　been　in　such　a　state　of　haze　through　the

delights　of　being　both　grown…up　and　〃comme　il　faut〃　that；

whenever　the　question　of　the　examinations　had　occurred　to　me；　I

had　mentally　compared　myself　with　my　comrades；　and　thought　to

myself；　〃They　are　certain　to　pass；　and　as　most　of　them　are　not

'comme　il　faut；'　and　I　am　therefore　their　personal　superior；　I

too　am　bound　to　come　out　all　right。〃　In　fact；　the　only　reason　why

I　attended　lectures　at　all　was　that　I　might　become　an　habitue　of

the　University；　and　obtain　Papa's　leave　to　go　in　and　out　of　the

house。　Moreover；　I　had　many　acquaintances　now；　and　often　enjoyed

myself　vastly　at　the　University。　I　loved　the　racket；　talking；　and

laughter　in　the　auditorium；　the　opportunities　for　sitting　on　a

back　bench；　and　letting　the　measured　voice　of　the　professor　lure

one　into　dreams　as　one　contemplated　one's　comrades；　the

occasional　runnings　across　the　way　for　a　snack　and　a　glass　of

vodka　（sweetened　by　the　fearful　joy　of　knowing　that　one　might　be

hauled　before　the　professor　for　so　doing）；　the　stealthy　closing

of　the　door　as　one　returned　to　the　auditorium；　and　the

participation　in　〃course　versus　course〃　scuffles　in　the

corridors。　All　this　was　very　enjoyable。



By　the　time；　however；　that　every　one　had　begun　to　put　in　a　better

attendance　at　lectures；　and　the　professor　of　physics　had

completed　his　course　and　taken　his　leave　of　us　until　the

examinations　came　on；　and　the　students　were　busy　collecting　their

notebooks　and　arranging　to　do　their　preparation　in　parties；　it

struck　me　that　I　also　had　better　prepare　for　the　ordeal。　Operoff；

with　whom　I　still　continued　on　bowing；　but　otherwise　most　frigid；

terms；　suddenly　offered　not　only　to　lend　me　his　notebooks；　but　to

let　me　do　my　preparation　with　himself　and　some　other　students。　I

thanked　him；　and　accepted　the　invitationhoping　by　that

conferment　of　honour　completely　to　dissipate　our　old

misunderstanding；　but　at　the　same　time　I　requested　that　the

gatherings　should　always　be　held　at　my　home；　since　my　quarters

were　so　splendid！　To　this　the　students　repl