youth-第42章

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as　the　mists　engendered　by　love　of　this　kind　begin　to　dissolve；

and　to　be　penetrated　by　the　clear　beams　of　reason；　we　see　the

object　of　our　adoration　in　his　true　shape；　and　with　all　his

virtues　and　failings　exposed。　Some　of　those　failings　strike　us

with　the　exaggerated　force　of　the　unexpected；　and　combine　with

the　instinct　for　novelty　and　the　hope　that　perfection　may　yet　be

found　in　a　fellow…man　to　induce　us　not　only　to　feel　coldness；　but

even　aversion；　towards　the　late　object　of　our　adoration。

Consequently；　desiring　it　no　longer；　we　usually　cast　it　from　us；

and　pass　onwards　to　seek　fresh　perfection。　For　the　circumstance

that　that　was　not　what　occurred　with　respect　to　my　own　relation

to　Dimitri；　I　was　indebted　to　his　stubborn；　punctilious；　and　more

critical　than　impulsive　attachment　to　myselfa　tie　which　I　felt

ashamed　to　break。　Moreover；　our　strange　vow　of　frankness　bound　us

together。　We　were　afraid　that；　if　we　parted；　we　should　leave　in

one　another's　power　all　the　incriminatory　moral　secrets　of　which

we　had　made　mutual　confession。　At　the　same　time；　our　rule　of

frankness　had　long　ceased　to　be　faithfully　observed；　but；　on　the

contrary；　proved　a　frequent　cause　of　constraint；　and　brought

about　strange　relations　between　us。



Almost　every　time　that　winter　that　I　went　upstairs　to　Dimitri's

room；　I　used　to　find　there　a　University　friend　of　his　named

Bezobiedoff；　with　whom　he　appeared　to　be　very　much　taken　up。

Bezobiedoff　was　a　small；　slight　fellow；　with　a　face　pitted　over

with　smallpox；　freckled；　effeminate　hands；　and　a　huge　flaxen

moustache　much　in　need　of　the　comb。　He　was　invariably　dirty；

shabby；　uncouth；　and　uninteresting。　To　me；　Dimitri's　relations

with　him　were　as　unintelligible　as　his　relations　with　Lubov

Sergievna；　and　the　only　reason　he　could　have　had　for　choosing

such　a　man　for　his　associate　was　that　in　the　whole　University

there　was　no　worse…looking　student　than　Bezobiedoff。　Yet　that

alone　would　have　been　sufficient　to　make　Dimitri　extend　him　his

friendship；　and；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　in　all　his　intercourse　with

this　fellow　he　seemed　to　be　saying　proudly：　〃I　care　nothing　who　a

man　may　be。　In　my　eyes　every　one　is　equal。　I　like　him；　and

therefore　he　is　a　desirable　acquaintance。〃　Nevertheless　I　could

not　imagine　how　he　could　bring　himself　to　do　it；　nor　how　the

wretched　Bezobiedoff　ever　contrived　to　maintain　his　awkward

position。　To　me　the　friendship　seemed　a　most　distasteful　one。



One　night；　I　went　up　to　Dimitri's　room　to　try　and　get　him　to　come

down　for　an　evening's　talk　in　his　mother's　drawing…room；　where　we

could　also　listen　to　Varenika's　reading　and　singing；　but

Bezobiedoff　had　forestalled　me　there；　and　Dimitri　answered　me

curtly　that　he　could　not　come　down；　since；　as　I　could　see　for

myself；　he　had　a　visitor　with　him。



〃Besides；〃　he　added；　〃what　is　the　fun　of　sitting　there？　We　had

much　better　stay　HERE　and　talk。〃



I　scarcely　relished　the　prospect　of　spending　a　couple　of　hours　in

Bezobiedoff's　company；　yet　could　not　make　up　my　mind　to　go　down

alone；　wherefore；　cursing　my　friend's　vagaries；　I　seated　myself

in　a　rocking…chair；　and　began　rocking　myself　silently　to　and　fro。

I　felt　vexed　with　them　both　for　depriving　me　of　the　pleasures　of

the　drawing…room；　and　my　only　hope　as　I　listened　irritably　to

their　conversation　was　that　Bezobiedoff　would　soon　take　his

departure。　〃A　nice　guest　indeed　to　be　sitting　with！〃　I　thought　to

myself　when　a　footman　brought　in　tea　and　Dimitri　had　five　times

to　beg　Bezobiedoff　to　have　a　cup；　for　the　reason　that　the　bashful

guest　thought　it　incumbent　upon　him　always　to　refuse　it　at　first

and　to　say；　〃No；　help　yourself。〃　I　could　see　that　Dimitri　had　to

put　some　restraint　upon　himself　as　he　resumed　the　conversation。

He　tried　to　inveigle　me　also　into　it；　but　I　remained　glum　and

silent。



〃I　do　not　mean　to　let　my　face　give　any　one　the　suspicion　that　I

am　bored〃　was　my　mental　remark　to　Dimitri　as　I　sat　quietly

rocking　myself　to　and　fro　with　measured　beat。　Yet；　as　the　moments

passed；　I　found　myselfnot　without　a　certain　satisfaction

growing　more　and　more　inwardly　hostile　to　my　friend。　〃What　a　fool

he　is！〃　I　reflected。　〃He　might　be　spending　the　evening　agreeably

with　his　charming　family；　yet　he　goes　on　sitting　with　this

brute！will　go　on　doing　so；　too；　until　it　is　too　late　to　go　down

to　the　drawing…room！〃　Here　I　glanced　at　him　over　the　back　of　my

chair；　and　thought　the　general　look　of　his　attitude　and

appearance　so　offensive　and　repellant　that　at　the　moment　I　could

gladly　have　offered　him　some　insult；　even　a　most　serious　one。



At　last　Bezobiedoff　rose；　but　Dimitri　could　not　easily　let　such　a

delightful　friend　depart；　and　asked　him　to　stay　the　night。

Fortunately；　Bezobiedoff　declined　the　invitation；　and　departed。

Having　seen　him　off；　Dimitri　returned；　and；　smiling　a　faintly

complacent　smile　as　he　did　so；　and　rubbing　his　hands　together　（in

all　probability　partly　because　he　had　sustained　his　character　for

eccentricity；　and　partly　because　he　had　got　rid　of　a　bore）；

started　to　pace　the　room；　with　an　occasional　glance　at　myself。　I

felt　more　offended　with　him　than　ever。　〃How　can　he　go　on　walking

about　the　room　and　grinning　like　that？〃　was　my　inward　reflection。



〃What　are　you　so　angry　about？〃　he　asked　me　suddenly　as　he　halted

in　front　of　my　chair。



〃I　am　not　in　the　least　angry；〃　I　replied　（as　people　always　do

answer　under　such　circumstances）。　〃I　am　merely　vexed　that　you

should　play…act　to　me；　and　to　Bezobiedoff；　and　to　yourself。〃



〃What　rubbish！〃　he　retorted。　〃I　never　play…act　to　any　one。〃



〃I　have　in　mind　our　rule　of　frankness；〃　I　replied；　〃when　I　tell

you　that　I　am　certain　you　cannot　bear　this　Bezobiedoff　any　more

than　I　can。　He　is　an　absolute　cad；　yet　for　some　inexplicable

reason　or　another　it　pleases　you　to　masquerade　before　him。〃



〃Not　at　all！　To　begin　with；　he　is　a　splendid　fellow；　and〃



〃But　I　tell　you　it　IS　so。　I　also　tell　you　that　your　friendship

for　Lubov　Sergievna　is　founded　on　the　same　basis；　namely；　that

she　thinks　you　a　god。〃



〃And　I　tell　you　once　more　that　it　is　not　so。〃



〃Oh；　I　know　it　for　myself；〃　I　retorted　with　the　heat　of

suppressed　anger；　and　designing　to　disarm　him　with　my　frankness。

〃I　have　told　you　before；　and　I　repeat　it　now；　that　you　always

seem　to　like　people　who　say　pleasant　things　to　you；　but　that；　as

soon　as　ever　I　come　to　examine　your　friendship；　I　invariably　find

that　there　exists　no　real　attachment　between　you。〃



〃Oh；　but　you　are　wrong；〃　said　Dimitri　with　an　angry　straightening

of　the　neck　in　his　collar。　〃When　I　like　people；　neither　their

praise　nor　their　blame　can　make　any　difference　to　my　opinion　of

them。〃



〃Well；　dreadful　though　it　may　seem　to　you；　I　confess　that　I

myself　often　used　to　hate　my　father　when　he　abused　me；　and　to

wish　that　he　was　dead。　In　the　same　way；　you〃



〃Speak　for　yourself。　I　am　very　sorry　that　you　could　ever　have

been　so〃



〃No；　no！〃　I　cried　as　I　leapt　from　my　chair　and　faced　him　with　the

courage　of　exasperation。　〃It　is　for　YOURSELF　that　you　ought　to

feel　sorrysorry　because　you　never　told　me　a　word　about　this

fellow。　You　know　that　was　not　honourable　of　you。　Nevertheless；　I

will　tell　YOU　what　I　think　of　you；〃　and；　burning　to　wound　him

even　more　than　he　had　wounded　me；　I　set　out　to　prove　to　him　that

he　was　incapable　of　feeling　any　real　affection　for　anybody；　and

that　I　had　the　best　of　grounds　（as　in　very　truth　I　believed　I

had）　for　reproaching　him。　I　took　great　pleasure　in　telling　him

all　this；　but　at　the　same　time　forgot　that　the　only　conceivable

purpose　of　my　doing　soto　force　him　to　confess　to　the　faults　of

which　I　had　accused　himcould　not　possibly　be　attained　at　the

present　moment；　when　he　was　in　a　rage。　Had　he；　on　the　other　hand；

been　in　a　condition　to　argue　calmly；　I　should　probably　never　have

said　what　I　did。



The　dispute　was　verging　upon　an　open　quarrel　when　Dimitri

suddenly　became　silent；　and　left　the　room。　I　pursued　him；　and