youth-第38章

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looking　pleased　when　I　took　my　usual　seat　beside　him　when；

unfortunately；　I　one　day　found　it　necessary　to　inform　him　that；

before　her　death；　my　mother　had　besought　my　father　never　to　allow

us　to　enter　for　a　government　scholarship；　as　well　as　that　I

myself　considered　Crown　students；　no　matter　how　clever；　to　be…

〃well；　they　are　not　GENTLEMEN；〃　I　concluded；　though　beginning　to

flounder　a　little　and　grow　red。　At　the　moment　Operoff　said

nothing；　but　at　subsequent　lectures　he　ceased　to　greet　me　or　to

offer　me　his　board…like　hand；　and　never　attempted　to　talk　to　me；

but；　as　soon　as　ever　I　sat　down；　he　would　lean　his　head　upon　his

arm；　and　purport　to　be　absorbed　in　his　notebooks。　I　was　surprised

at　this　sudden　coolness；　but　looked　upon　it　as　infra　dig；　〃pour

un　jeune　homme　de　bonne　maison〃　to　curry　favour　with　a　mere　Crown

student　of　an　Operoff；　and　so　left　him　severely　alonethough　I

confess　that　his　aloofness　hurt　my　feelings。　On　one　occasion　I

arrived　before　him；　and；　since　the　lecture　was　to　be　delivered　by

a　popular　professor　whom　students　came　to　hear　who　did　not

usually　attend　such　functions；　I　found　almost　every　seat

occupied。　Accordingly　I　secured　Operoff's　place　for　myself　by

spreading　my　notebooks　on　the　desk　before　it；　after　which　I　left

the　room　again　for　a　moment。　When　I　returned　I　perceived　that　my

paraphernalia　had　been　relegated　to　the　bench　behind；　and　the

place　taken　by　Operoff　himself。　I　remarked　to　him　that　I　had

already　secured　it　by　placing　my　notebooks　there。



〃I　know　nothing　about　that；〃　he　replied　sharply；　yet　without

looking　up　at　me。



〃I　tell　you　I　placed　my　notebooks　there；〃　I　repeated；　purposely

trying　to　bluster；　in　the　hope　of　intimidating　him。　〃Every　one

saw　me　do　it；〃　I　added；　including　the　students　near　me　in　my

glance。　Several　of　them　looked　at　me　with　curiosity；　yet　none　of

them　spoke。



〃Seats　cannot　be　booked　here；〃　said　Operoff。　〃Whoever　first　sits

down　in　a　place　keeps　it；〃　and；　settling　himself　angrily　where　he

was；　he　flashed　at　me　a　glance　of　defiance。



〃Well；　that　only　means　that　you　are　a　cad；〃　I　said。



I　have　an　idea　that　he　murmured　something　about　my　being　〃a

stupid　young　idiot；〃　but　I　decided　not　to　hear　it。　What　would　be

the　use；　I　asked　myself；　of　my　hearing　it？　That　we　should　brawl

like　a　couple　of　manants　over　less　than　nothing？　（I　was　very　fond

of　the　word　manants；　and　often　used　it　for　meeting　awkward

junctures。）　Perhaps　I　should　have　said　something　more　had　not；　at

that　moment；　a　door　slammed　and　the　professor　（dressed　in　a　blue

frockcoat；　and　shuffling　his　feet　as　he　walked）　ascended　the

rostrum。



Nevertheless；　when　the　examination　was　about　to　come　on；　and　I

had　need　of　some　one's　notebooks；　Operoff　remembered　his　promise

to　lend　me　his；　and　we　did　our　preparation　together。



XXXVII



AFFAIRS　OF　THE　HEART



Affaires　du　coeur　exercised　me　greatly　that　winter。　In　fact；　I

fell　in　love　three　times。　The　first　time；　I　became　passionately

enamoured　of　a　buxom　lady　whom　I　used　to　see　riding　at　Freitag's

riding…school；　with　the　result　that　every　day　when　she　was　taking

a　lesson　there　（that　is　to　say；　every　Tuesday　and　Friday）　I　used

to　go　to　gaze　at　her；　but　always　in　such　a　state　of　trepidation

lest　I　should　be　seen　that　I　stood　a　long　way　off；　and　bolted

directly　I　thought　her　likely　to　approach　the　spot　where　I　was

standing。　Likewise；　I　used　to　turn　round　so　precipitately　whenever

she　appeared　to　be　glancing　in　my　direction　that　I　never　saw　her

face　well；　and　to　this　day　do　not　know　whether　she　was　really

beautiful　or　not。



Dubkoff；　who　was　acquainted　with　her；　surprised　me　one　day　in　the

riding…school；　where　I　was　lurking　concealed　behind　the　lady's

grooms　and　the　fur　wraps　which　they　were　holding；　and；　having

heard　from　Dimitri　of　my　infatuation；　frightened　me　so　terribly

by　proposing　to　introduce　me　to　the　Amazon　that　I　fled

incontinently　from　the　school；　and　was　prevented　by　the　mere

thought　that　possibly　he　had　told　her　about　me　from　ever　entering

the　place　again；　or　even　from　hiding　behind　her　grooms；　lest　I

should　encounter　her。



Whenever　I　fell　in　love　with　ladies　whom　I　did　not　know；　and

especially　married　women；　I　experienced　a　shyness　a　thousand

times　greater　than　I　had　ever　felt　with　Sonetchka。　I　dreaded

beyond　measure　that　my　divinity　should　learn　of　my　passion；　or

even　of　my　existence；　since　I　felt　sure　that；　once　she　had　done

so；　she　would　be　so　terribly　offended　that　I　should　never　be

forgiven　for　my　presumption。　And　indeed；　if　the　Amazon　referred

to　above　had　ever　come　to　know　how　I　used　to　stand　behind　the

grooms　and　dream　of　seizing　her　and　carrying　her　off　to　some

country　spotif　she　had　ever　come　to　know　how　I　should　have　lived

with　her　there；　and　how　I　should　have　treated　her；　it　is　probable

that　she　would　have　had　very　good　cause　for　indignation！　But　I

always　felt　that；　once　I　got　to　know　her；　she　would　straightway

divine　these　thoughts；　and　consider　herself　insulted　by　my

acquaintance。



As　my　second　affaire　du　coeur；　I；　（for　the　third　time）　fell　in

love　with　Sonetchka　when　I　saw　her　at　her　sister's。　My　second

passion　for　her　had　long　since　come　to　an　end；　but　I　became

enamoured　of　her　this　third　time　through　Lubotshka　sending　me　a

copy…book　in　which　Sonetchka　had　copied　some　extracts　from

Lermontoff's　The　Demon；　with　certain　of　the　more　subtly　amorous

passages　underlined　in　red　ink　and　marked　with　pressed　flowers。

Remembering　how　Woloda　had　been　wont　to　kiss　his　inamorata's

purse　last　year；　I　essayed　to　do　the　same　thing　now；　and　really；

when　alone　in　my　room　in　the　evenings　and　engaged　in　dreaming　as

I　looked　at　a　flower　or　occasionally　pressed　it　to　my　lips；　I

would　feel　a　certain　pleasantly　lachrymose　mood　steal　over　me；

and　remain　genuinely　in　love　（or　suppose　myself　to　be　so）　for　at

least　several　days。



Finally；　my　third　affaire　du　coeur　that　winter　was　connected　with

the　lady　with　whom　Woloda　was　in　love；　and　who　used　occasionally

to　visit　at　our　house。　Yet；　in　this　damsel；　as　I　now　remember；

there　was　not　a　single　beautiful　feature　to　be　foundor；　at　all

events；　none　of　those　which　usually　pleased　me。　She　was　the

daughter　of　a　well…known　Moscow　lady　of　light　and　leading；　and；

petite　and　slender；　wore　long　flaxen　curls　after　the　English

fashion；　and　could　boast　of　a　transparent　profile。　Every　one　said

that　she　was　even　cleverer　and　more　learned　than　her　mother；　but

I　was　never　in　a　position　to　judge　of　that；　since；　overcome　with

craven　bashfulness　at　the　mere　thought　of　her　intellect　and

accomplishments；　I　never　spoke　to　her　alone　but　once；　and　then

with　unaccountable　trepidation。　Woloda's　enthusiasm；　however　（for

the　presence　of　an　audience　never　prevented　him　from　giving　vent

to　his　rapture）；　communicated　itself　to　me　so　strongly　that　I

also　became　enamoured　of　the　lady。　Yet；　conscious　that　he　would

not　be　pleased　to　know　that　two　brothers　were　in　love　with　the

same　girl；　I　never　told　him　of　my　condition。　On　the　contrary；　I

took　special　delight　in　the　thought　that　our　mutual　love　for　her

was　so　pure　that；　though　its　object　was；　in　both　cases；　the　same

charming　being；　we　remained　friends　and　ready；　if　ever　the

occasion　should　arise；　to　sacrifice　ourselves　for　one　another。

Yet　I　have　an　idea　that；　as　regards　self…sacrifice；　he　did　not

quite　share　my　views；　for　he　was　so　passionately　in　love　with　the

lady　that　once　he　was　for　giving　a　member　of　the　diplomatic

corps；　who　was　said　to　be　going　to　marry　her；　a　slap　in　the　face

and　a　challenge　to　a　duel；　but；　for　my　part；　I　would　gladly　have

sacrificed　my　feelings　for　his　sake；　seeing　that　the　fact　that

the　only　remark　I　had　ever　addressed　to　her　had　been　on　the

subject　of　the　dignity　of　classical　music；　and　that　my　passion；

for　all　my　efforts　to　keep　it　alive；　expired　the　following　week；

would　have　rendered　it　the　more　easy　for　me　to　do　so。



XXXVIII



THE　WORLD



As　regards　those　world