youth-第3章

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whom　I　had　once　seen　long；　long　ago　at　a　theatre；　in　a　box　below

our　own。　My　second　sentiment　was　a　craving　for　love。　I　wanted

every　one　to　know　me　and　to　love　me。　I　wanted　to　be　able　to　utter

my　nameNicola　Irtenieffand　at　once　to　see　every　one

thunderstruck　at　it；　and　come　crowding　round　me　and　thanking　me

for　something　or　another；　I　hardly　knew　what。　My　third　sentiment

was　the　expectation　of　some　extraordinary；　glorious　happiness

that　was　impendingsome　happiness　so　strong　and　assured　as　to

verge　upon　ecstasy。　Indeed；　so　firmly　persuaded　was　I　that　very；

very　soon　some　unexpected　chance　would　suddenly　make　me　the

richest　and　most　famous　man　in　the　world　that　I　lived　in

constant；　tremulous　expectation　of　this　magic　good　fortune

befalling　me。　I　was　always　thinking　to　myself　that　〃IT　is

beginning；〃　and　that　I　should　go　on　thereafter　to　attain

everything　that　a　man　could　wish　for。　Consequently；　I　was　for　ever

hurrying　from　place　to　place；　in　the　belief　that　〃IT〃　must　be

〃beginning〃　just　where　I　happened　not　to　be。　Lastly；　my　fourth

and　principal　sentiment　of　all　was　abhorrence　of　myself；　mingled

with　regretyet　a　regret　so　blended　with　the　certain　expectation

of　happiness　to　which　I　have　referred　that　it　had　in　it　nothing

of　sorrow。　It　seemed　to　me　that　it　would　be　so　easy　and　natural

for　me　to　tear　myself　away　from　my　past　and　to　remake　itto

forget　all　that　had　been；　and　to　begin　my　life；　with　all　its

relations；　anewthat　the　past　never　troubled　me；　never　clung　to

me　at　all。　I　even　found　a　certain　pleasure　in　detesting　the　past；

and　in　seeing　it　in　a　darker　light　than　the　true　one。　This　note

of　regret　and　of　a　curious　longing　for　perfection　were　the　chief

mental　impressions　which　I　gathered　from　that　new　stage　of　my

growthimpressions　which　imparted　new　principles　to　my　view　of

myself；　of　men；　and　of　God's　world。　O　good　and　consoling　voice；

which　in　later　days；　in　sorrowful　days　when　my　soul　yielded

silently　to　the　sway　of　life's　falseness　and　depravity；　so　often

raised　a　sudden；　bold　protest　against　all　iniquity；　as　well　as

mercilessly　exposed　the　past；　commanded；　nay；　compelled；　me　to

love　only　the　pure　vista　of　the　present；　and　promised　me　all　that

was　fair　and　happy　in　the　future！　O　good　and　consoling　voice！

Surely　the　day　will　never　come　when　you　are　silent？



IV



OUR　FAMILY　CIRCLE



PAPA　was　seldom　at　home　that　spring。　Yet；　whenever　he　was　so；　he

seemed　extraordinarily　cheerful　as　he　either　strummed　his

favourite　pieces　on　the　piano　or　looked　roguishly　at　us　and　made

jokes　about　us　all；　not　excluding　even　Mimi。　For　instance；　he

would　say　that　the　Tsarevitch　himself　had　seen　Mimi　at　the　rink；

and　fallen　so　much　in　love　with　her　that　he　had　presented　a

petition　to　the　Synod　for　divorce；　or　else　that　I　had　been

granted　an　appointment　as　secretary　to　the　Austrian　ambassador

a　piece　of　news　which　he　imparted　to　us　with　a　perfectly　grave

face。　Next；　he　would　frighten　Katenka　with　some　spiders　（of　which

she　was　very　much　afraid）；　engage　in　an　animated　conversation

with　our　friends　Dubkoff　and　Nechludoff；　and　tell　us　and　our

guests；　over　and　over　again；　his　plans　for　the　year。　Although

these　plans　changed　almost　from　day　to　day；　and

were　for　ever　contradicting　one　another；　they　seemed　so

attractive　that　we　were　always　glad　to　listen　to　them；　and

Lubotshka；　in　particular；　would　glue　her　eyes　to　his　face；　so　as

not　to　lose　a　single　word。　One　day　his　plan　would　be　that　he

should　leave　my　brother　and　myself　at　the　University；　and　go　and

live　with　Lubotshka　in　Italy　for　two　years。　Next；　the　plan　would

be　that　he　should　buy　an　estate　on　the　south　coast　of　the　Crimea；

and　take　us　for　an　annual　visit　there；　next；　that　we　should

migrate　en　masse　to　St。　Petersburg；　and　so　forth。　Yet；　in

addition　to　this　unusual　cheerfulness　of　his；　another　change　had

come　over　him　of　latea　change　which　greatly　surprised　me。　This

was　that　he　had　had　some　fashionable　clothes　madean　olive…

coloured　frockcoat；　smart　trousers　with　straps　at　the　sides；　and

a　long　wadded　greatcoat　which　fitted　him　to　perfection。　Often；

too；　there　was　a　delightful　smell　of　scent　about　him　when　he　came

home　from　a　partymore　especially　when　he　had　been　to　see　a　lady

of　whom　Mimi　never　spoke　but　with　a　sigh　and　a　face　that　seemed

to　say：　〃Poor　orphans！　How　dreadful！　It　is　a　good　thing　that　SHE

is　gone　now！〃　and　so　on；　and　so　on。　From　Nicola　（for　Papa　never

spoke　to　us　of　his　gambling）　I　had　learnt　that　he　（Papa）　had　been

very　fortunate　in　play　that　winter；　and　so　had　won　an

extraordinary　amount　of　money；　all　of　which　he　had　placed　in　the

bank　after　vowing　that　he　would　play　no　more　that　spring。

Evidently；　it　was　his　fear　of　being　unable　to　resist　again　doing

so　that　was　rendering　him　anxious　to　leave　for　the　country　as

soon　as　possible。　Indeed；　he　ended　by　deciding　not　to　wait　until

I　had　entered　the　University；　but　to　take　the　girls　to　Petrovskoe

immediately　after　Easter；　and　to　leave　Woloda　and　myself　to

follow　them　at　a　later　season。



All　that　winter；　until　the　opening　of　spring；　Woloda　had　been

inseparable　from　Dubkoff；　while　at　the　same　time　the　pair　of　them

had　cooled　greatly　towards　Dimitri。　Their　chief　amusements　（so　I

gathered　from　conversations　overheard）　were　continual　drinking　of

champagne；　sledge…driving　past　the　windows　of　a　lady　with　whom

both　of　them　appeared　to　be　in　love；　and　dancing　with　hernot　at

children's　parties；　either；　but　at　real　balls！　It　was　this　last

fact　which；　despite　our　love　for　one　another；　placed　a　vast　gulf

between　Woloda　and　myself。　We　felt　that　the　distance　between　a

boy　still　taking　lessons　under　a　tutor　and　a　man　who　danced　at

real；　grown…up　balls　was　too　great　to　allow　of　their　exchanging

mutual　ideas。　Katenka；　too；　seemed　grown…up　now；　and　read

innumerable　novels；　so　that　the　idea　that　she　would　some　day　be

getting　married　no　longer　seemed　to　me　a　joke。　Yet；　though　she

and　Woloda　were　thus　grown…up；　they　never　made　friends　with　one

another；　but；　on　the　contrary；　seemed　to　cherish　a　mutual

contempt。　In　general；　when　Katenka　was　at　home　alone；　nothing　but

novels　amused　her；　and　they　but　slightly；　but　as　soon　as　ever　a

visitor　of　the　opposite　sex　called；　she　at　once　grew　lively　and

amiable；　and　used　her　eyes　for　saying　things　which　I　could　not

then　understand。　It　was　only　later；　when　she　one　day　informed　me

in　conversation　that　the　only　thing　a　girl　was　allowed　to　indulge

in　was　coquetrycoquetry　of　the　eyes；　I　meanthat　I　understood

those　strange　contortions　of　her　features　which　to　every　one　else

had　seemed　a　matter　for　no　surprise　at　all。　Lubotshka　also　had

begun　to　wear　what　was　almost　a　long　dressa　dress　which　almost

concealed　her　goose…shaped　feet；　yet　she　still　remained　as　ready

a　weeper　as　ever。　She　dreamed　now　of　marrying；　not　a　hussar；　but

a　singer　or　an　instrumentalist；　and　accordingly　applied　herself

to　her　music　with　greater　diligence　than　ever。　St。　Jerome；　who

knew　that　he　was　going　to　remain　with　us　only　until　my

examinations　were　over；　and　so　had　obtained　for　himself　a　new

post　in　the　family　of　some　count　or　another；　now　looked　with

contempt　upon　the　members　of　our　household。　He　stayed　indoors

very　little；　took　to　smoking　cigarettes　（then　all　the　rage）；　and

was　for　ever　whistling　lively　tunes　on　the　edge　of　a　card。　Mimi

daily　grew　more　and　more　despondent；　as　though；　now　that　we　were

beginning　to　grow　up；　she　looked　for　nothing　good　from　any　one　or

anything。



When；　on　the　day　of　which　I　am　speaking；　I　went　in　to　luncheon　I

found　only　Mimi；　Katenka；　Lubotshka；　and　St。　Jerome　in　the

dining…room。　Papa　was　away；　and　Woloda　in　his　own　room；　doing

some　preparation　work　for　his　examinations　in　company　with　a

party　of　his　comrades：　wherefore　he　had　requested　that　lunch

should　be　sent　to　him　there。　Of　late；　Mimi　had　usually　taken　the

head　of　the　table；　and　as　none　of　us　had　any　respect　for　her；

luncheon　had　lost　most　of　its　refinement　and　charm。　That　is　to

s