curious republic of gondour-第8章

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Tribune'　（no　doubt　sincerely　looking　to　the　best　interests　of　Spain　and
the　world　at　large）　has　done　me　the　great　and　unusual　honour　to　propose
me　as　a　fit　person　to　fill　the　Spanish　throne。　　Why　'The　Tribune'　should
single　me　out　in　this　way　from　the　midst　of　a　dozen　Americans　of　higher
political　prominence；　is　a　problem　which　I　cannot　solve。　　Beyond　a
somewhat　intimate　knowledge　of　Spanish　history　and　a　profound　veneration
for　its　great　names　and　illustrious　deeds；　I　feel　that　I　possess　no　merit
that　should　peculiarly　recommend　me　to　this　royal　distinction。　　I　cannot
deny　that　Spanish　history　has　always　been　mother's　milk　to　me。　　I　am
proud　of　every　Spanish　achievement；　from　Hernando　Cortes's　victory　at
Thermopylae　down　to　Vasco　Nunez　de　Balboa's　discovery　of　the　Atlantic
ocean；　and　of　every　splendid　Spanish　name；　from　Don　Quixote　and　the　Duke
of　Wellington　down　to　Don　Caesar　de　Bazan。　　However；　these　little　graces
of　erudition　are　of　small　consequence；　being　more　showy　than　serviceable。

In　case　the　Spanish　sceptre　is　pressed　upon　meand　the　indications
unquestionably　are　that　it　will　beI　shall　feel　it　necessary　to　have
certain　things　set　down　and　distinctly　understood　beforehand。　　For
instance：　　My　salary　must　be　paid　quarterly　in　advance。　　In　these
unsettled　times　it　will　not　do　to　trust。　　If　Isabella　had　adopted　this
plan；　she　would　be　roosting　on　her　ancestral　throne　to…day；　for　the
simple　reason　that　her　subjects　never　could　have　raised　three　months　of　a
royal　salary　in　advance；　and　of　course　they　could　not　have　discharged　her
until　they　had　squared　up　with　her。　　My　salary　must　be　paid　in　gold；　when
greenbacks　are　fresh　in　a　country；　they　are　too　fluctuating。　　My　salary
has　got　to　be　put　at　the　ruling　market　rate；　I　am　not　going　to　cut　under
on　the　trade；　and　they　are　not　going　to　trail　me　a　long　way　from　home　and
then　practise　on　my　ignorance　and　play　me　for　a　royal　North　Adams
Chinaman；　by　any　means。　　As　I　understand　it；　imported　kings　generally　get
five　millions　a　year　and　house…rent　free。　　Young　George　of　Greece　gets
that。　　As　the　revenues　only　yield　two　millions；　he　has　to　take　the
national　note　for　considerable；　but　even　with　things　in　that　sort　of
shape　he　is　better　fixed　than　he　was　in　Denmark；　where　he　had　to
eternally　stand　up　because　he　had　no　throne　to　sit　on；　and　had　to　give
bail　for　his　board；　because　a　royal　apprentice　gets　no　salary　there　while
he　is　learning　his　trade。　　England　is　the　place　for　that。　　Fifty　thousand
dollars　a　year　Great　Britain　pays　on　each　royal　child　that　is　born；　and
this　is　increased　from　year　to　year　as　the　child　becomes　more　and　more
indispensable　to　his　country。　　Look　at　Prince　Arthur。　　At　first　he　only
got　the　usual　birth…bounty；　but　now　that　he　has　got　so　that　he　can　dance；
there　is　simply　no　telling　what　wages　he　gets。

I　should　have　to　stipulate　that　the　Spanish　people　wash　more　and
endeavour　to　get　along　with　less　quarantine。　　Do　you　know；　Spain　keeps
her　ports　fast　locked　against　foreign　traffic　three…fourths　of　each　year；
because　one　day　she　is　scared　about　the　cholera；　and　the　next　about　the
plague；　and　next　the　measles；　next　the　hooping　cough；　the　hives；　and　the
rash？　but　she　does　not　mind　leonine　leprosy　and　elephantiasis　any　more
than　a　great　and　enlightened　civilisation　minds　freckles。　　Soap　would
soon　remove　her　anxious　distress　about　foreign　distempers。　　The　reason
arable　land　is　so　scarce　in　Spain　is　because　the　people　squander　so　much
of　it　on　their　persons；　and　then　when　they　die　it　is　improvidently　buried
with　them。

I　should　feel　obliged　to　stipulate　that　Marshal　Serrano　be　reduced　to　the
rank　of　constable；　or　even　roundsman。　　He　is　no　longer　fit　to　be　City
Marshal。　　A　man　who　refused　to　be　king　because　he　was　too　old　and　feeble；
is　ill　qualified　to　help　sick　people　to　the　station…house　when　they　are
armed　and　their　form　of　delirium　tremens　is　of　the　exuberant　and
demonstrative　kind。

I　should　also　require　that　a　force　be　sent　to　chase　the　late　Queen
Isabella　out　of　France。　　Her　presence　there　can　work　no　advantage　to
Spain；　and　she　ought　to　be　made　to　move　at　once；　though；　poor　thing；　she
has　been　chaste　enough　heretoforefor　a　Spanish　woman。

I　should　also　require　that

I　am　at　this　moment　authoritatively　informed　that　〃The　Tribune〃　did　not
mean　me；　after　all。　　Very　well；　I　do　not　care　two　cents。






THE　APPROACHING　EPIDEMIC

One　calamity　to　which　the　death　of　Mr。　Dickens　dooms　this　country　has　not
awakened　the　concern　to　which　its　gravity　entitles　it。　　We　refer　to　the
fact　that　the　nation　is　to　be　lectured　to　death　and　read　to　death　all
next　winter；　by　Tom；　Dick；　and　Harry；　with　poor　lamented　Dickens　for　a
pretext。　　All　the　vagabonds　who　can　spell　will　afflict　the　people　with
〃readings〃　from　Pickwick　and　Copperfield；　and　all　the　insignificants　who
have　been　ennobled　by　the　notice　of　the　great　novelist　or　transfigured　by
his　smile　will　make　a　marketable　commodity　of　it　now；　and　turn　the　sacred
reminiscence　to　the　practical　use　of　procuring　bread　and　butter。　　The
lecture　rostrums　will　fairly　swarm　with　these　fortunates。　　Already　the
signs　of　it　are　perceptible。　　Behold　how　the　unclean　creatures　are
wending　toward　the　dead　lion　and　gathering　to　the　feast：

〃Reminiscences　of　Dickens。〃　　A　lecture。　　By　John　Smith；　who　heard　him
read　eight　times。

〃Remembrances　of　Charles　Dickens。〃　　A　lecture。　　By　John　Jones；　who　saw
him　once　in　a　street　car　and　twice　in　a　barber　shop。

〃Recollections　of　Mr。　Dickens。〃　　A　lecture。　　By　John　Brown；　who　gained　a
wide　fame　by　writing　deliriously　appreciative　critiques　and　rhapsodies
upon　the　great　author's　public　readings；　and　who　shook　hands　with　the
great　author　upon　various　occasions；　and　held　converse　with　him　several
times。

〃Readings　from　Dickens。〃　　By　John　White；　who　has　the　great　delineator's
style　and　manner　perfectly；　having　attended　all　his　readings　in　this
country　and　made　these　things　a　study；　always　practising　each　reading
before　retiring；　and　while　it　was　hot　from　the　great　delineator's　lips。
Upon　this　occasion　Mr。　W。　will　exhibit　the　remains　of　a　cigar　which　he
saw　Mr。　Dickens　smoke。　　This　Relic　is　kept　in　a　solid　silver　box　made
purposely　for　it。

〃Sights　and　Sounds　of　the　Great　Novelist。〃　　A　popular　lecture。　　By　John
Gray；　who　；waited　on　his　table　all　the　time　he　was　at　the　Grand　Hotel；
New　York；　and　still　has　in　his　possession　and　will　exhibit　to　the
audience　a　fragment　of　the　Last　Piece　of　Bread　which　the　lamented　author
tasted　in　this　country。

〃Heart　Treasures　of　Precious　Moments　with　Literature's　Departed　Monarch。〃
A　lecture。　　By　Miss　Serena　Amelia　Tryphenia　McSpadden；　who　still　wears；
and　will　always　wear；　a　glove　upon　the　hand　made　sacred　by　the　clasp　of
Dickens。　　Only　Death　shall　remove　it。

〃Readings　from　Dickens。〃　　By　Mrs。　J。　O'Hooligan　Murphy；　who　washed　for
him。

〃Familiar　Talks　with　the　Great　Author。〃　　A　narrative　lecture。　　By　John
Thomas；　for　two　weeks　his　valet　in　America。

And　so　forth；　and　so　on。　　This　isn't　half　the　list。　　The　man　who　has　a
〃Toothpick　once　used　by　Charles　Dickens〃　will　have　to　have　a　hearing；　and
the　man　who　〃once　rode　in　an　omnibus　with　Charles　Dickens；〃　and　the　lady
to　whom　Charles　Dickens　〃granted　the　hospitalities　of　his　umbrella　during
a　storm；〃　and　the　person　who　〃possesses　a　hole　which　once　belonged　in　a
handkerchief　owned　by　Charles　Dickens。〃　　Be　patient　and　long…suffering；
good　people；　for　even　this　does　not　fill　up　the　measure　of　what　you　must
endure　next　winter。　　There　is　no　creature　in　all　this　land　who　has　had
any　personal　relations　with　the　late　Mr。　Dickens；　however　slight　or
trivial；　but　will　shoulder　his　way　to　the　rostrum　and　inflict　his
testimony　upon　his　helpless　countrymen。　　To　some　people　it　is　fatal　to　be
noticed　by　greatness。







THE　TONE…IMPARTING　COMMITTEE

I　get　old　and　ponderously　respectable；　only　one　thing　will　be　able　to
make　me　truly　happy；　and　that　will　be　to　be　put　on　the　Venerable　Tone…
Imparting　committee　of　the　city　of　New　York；　and　have　nothing　to　do　but
sit　on　the　platform；　solemn　and　imposing；　along　with　Peter　Cooper；　Horace
Greeley；　etc。；　etc。；　and　shed　momentary　fame　at　second　hand　on　obscure
lect