a woman of thirty-第23章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
〃She will be very beautiful some day；〃 said the priest。
〃She is her father's child；〃 said the Marquise； kissing the little one with eager warmth； as if she meant to pay a debt of affection or to extinguish some feeling of remorse。
〃How hot you are； mamma！〃
〃There； go away； my angel；〃 said the Marquise。
The child went。 She did not seem at all sorry to go； she did not look back； glad perhaps to escape from a sad face； and instinctively comprehending already an antagonism of feeling in its expression。 A mother's love finds language in smiles； they are a part of the divine right of motherhood。 The Marquise could not smile。 She flushed red as she felt the cure's eyes。 She had hoped to act a mother's part before him； but neither she nor her child could deceive him。 And； indeed； when a woman loves sincerely； in the kiss she gives there is a divine honey； it is as if a soul were breathed forth in the caress； a subtle flame of fire which brings warmth to the heart； the kiss that lacks this delicious unction is meagre and formal。 The priest had felt the difference。 He could fathom the depths that lie between the motherhood of the flesh and the motherhood of the heart。 He gave the Marquise a keen； scrutinizing glance； then he said：
〃You are right； madame； it would be better for you if you were dead〃
〃Ah！〃 she cried； 〃then you know all my misery； I see you do if； Christian priest as you are； you can guess my determination to die and sanction it。 Yes； I meant to die； but I have lacked the courage。 The spirit was strong； but the flesh was weak； and when my hand did not tremble； the spirit within me wavered。
〃I do not know the reason of these inner struggles； and alternations。 I am very pitiably a woman no doubt； weak in my will； strong only to love。 Oh； I despise myself。 At night； when all my household was asleep； I would go out bravely as far as the lake； but when I stood on the brink； my cowardice shrank from self…destruction。 To you I will confess my weakness。 When I lay in my bed； again； shame would come over me； and courage would come back。 Once I took a dose of laudanum； I was ill； but I did not die。 I thought I had emptied the phial； but I had only taken half the dose。〃
〃You are lost； madame；〃 the cure said gravely； with tears in his voice。 〃You will go back into the world； and you will deceive the world。 You will seek and find a compensation （as you imagine it to be） for your woes； then will come a day of reckoning for your pleasures〃
〃Do you think；〃 she cried； 〃that /I/ shall bestow the last； the most precious treasures of my heart upon the first base impostor who can play the comedy of passion？ That I would pollute my life for a moment of doubtful pleasure？ No； the flame which shall consume my soul shall be love； and nothing but love。 All men； monsieur； have the senses of their sex； but not all have the man's soul which satisfies all the requirements of our nature； drawing out the melodious harmony which never breaks forth save in response to the pressure of feeling。 Such a soul is not found twice in our lifetime。 The future that lies before me is hideous； I know it。 A woman is nothing without love； beauty is nothing without pleasure。 And even if happiness were offered to me a second time； would not the world frown upon it？ I owe my daughter an honored mother。 Oh！ I am condemned to live in an iron circle； from which there is but one shameful way of escape。 The round of family duties； a thankless and irksome task； is in store for me。 I shall curse life； but my child shall have at least a fair semblance of a mother。 I will give her treasures of virtue for the treasures of love of which I defraud her。
〃I have not even the mother's desire to live to enjoy her child's happiness。 I have no belief in happiness。 What will Helene's fate be？ My own； beyond doubt。 How can a mother ensure that the man to whom she gives her daughter will be the husband of her heart？ You pour scorn on the miserable creatures who sell themselves for a few coins to any passer…by； though want and hunger absolve the brief union； while another union； horrible for quite other reasons； is tolerated； nay encouraged； by society； and a young and innocent girl is married to a man whom she has only met occasionally during the previous three months。 She is sold for her whole lifetime。 It is true that the price is high！ If you allow her no compensation for her sorrows； you might at least respect her； but no； the most virtuous of women cannot escape calumny。 This is our fate in its double aspect。 Open prostitution and shame； secret prostitution and unhappiness。 As for the poor； portionless girls； they may die or go mad； without a soul to pity them。 Beauty and virtue are not marketable in the bazaar where souls and bodies are bought and soldin the den of selfishness which you call society。 Why not disinherit daughters？ Then； at least； you might fulfil one of the laws of nature； and guided by your own inclinations； choose your companions。〃
〃Madame； from your talk it is clear to me that neither the spirit of family nor the sense of religion appeals to you。 Why should you hesitate between the claims of the social selfishness which irritates you； and the purely personal selfishness which craves satisfactions〃
〃The family； monsieurdoes such a thing exist？ I decline to recognize as a family a knot of individuals bidden by society to divide the property after the death of father and mother； and to go their separate ways。 A family means a temporary association of persons brought together by no will of their own； dissolved at once by death。 Our laws have broken up homes and estates； and the old family tradition handed down from generation to generation。 I see nothing but wreck and ruin about me。〃
〃Madame； you will only return to God when His hand has been heavy upon you； and I pray that you have time enough given to you in which to make your peace with Him。 Instead of looking to heaven for comfort； you are fixing your eyes on earth。 Philosophism and personal interest have invaded your heart； like the children of the sceptical eighteenth century； you are deaf to the voice of religion。 The pleasures of this life bring nothing but misery。 You are about to make an exchange of sorrows； that is all。〃
She smiled bitterly。
〃I will falsify your predictions；〃 she said。 〃I shall be faithful to him who died for me。〃
〃Sorrow；〃 he answered； 〃is not likely to live long save in souls disciplined by religion；〃 and he lowered his eyes respectfully lest the Marquise should read his doubts in them。 The energy of her outburst had grieved him。 He had seen the self that lurked beneath so many forms； and despaired of softening a heart which affliction seemed to sear。 The divine Sower's seed could not take root in such a soil； and His gentle voice was drowned by the clamorous outcry of self…pity。 Yet the good man returned again and again with an apostle's earnest persistence； brought back by a hope of leading so noble and proud a soul to God； until the day when he made the discovery that the Marquise only cared to talk with him because it was sweet to speak of him who was no more。 He would not lower his ministry by condoning her passion； and confined the conversation more and more to generalities and commonplaces。
Spring came； and with the spring the Marquise found distraction from her deep melancholy。 She busied herself for lack of other occupation with her estate； making improvements for amusement。
In October she left the old chateau。 In the life of leisure at Saint… Lange she had recovered from her grief and grown fair and fresh。 Her grief had been violent at first in its course； as the quoit hurled forth with all the player's strength； and like the quoit after many oscillations； each feebler than the last； it had slackened into melancholy。 Melancholy is made up of a succession of such oscillations； the first touching upon despair； the last on the border between pain and pleasure； in youth； it is the twilight of dawn； in age； the dusk of night。
As the Marquise drove through the village in her traveling carriage； she met the cure on his way back from the church。 She bowed in response to his farewell greeting； but it was with lowered eyes and averted face。 Sh
