a woman of thirty-第11章
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ill the melancholy of a woman rich in many ways。 The Marquise d'Aiglemont was like a flower； with a dark insect gnawing at its root。
Occasionally she went into society； not to please herself； but in obedience to the exigencies of the position which her husband aspired to take。 In society her beautiful voice and the perfection of her singing could always gain the social success so gratifying to a young woman； but what was social success to her； who drew nothing from it for her heart or her hopes？ Her husband did not care for music。 And； moreover； she seldom felt at her ease in salons； where her beauty attracted homage not wholly disinterested。 Her position excited a sort of cruel compassion； a morbid curiosity。 She was suffering from an inflammatory complaint not infrequently fatal； for which our nosology as yet has found no name； a complaint spoken of among women in confidential whispers。 In spite of the silence in which her life was spent； the cause of her ill…health was no secret。 She was still but a girl in spite of her marriage； the slightest glance threw her into confusion。 In her endeavor not to blush； she was always laughing； always apparently in high spirits； she would never admit that she was not perfectly well； and anticipated questions as to her health by shame…stricken subterfuges。
In 1817； however； an event took place which did much to alleviate Julie's hitherto deplorable existence。 A daughter was born to her； and she determined to nurse her child herself。 For two years motherhood； its all…absorbing multiplicity of cares and anxious joys； made life less hard for her。 She and her husband lived necessarily apart。 Her physicians predicted improved health； but the Marquise herself put no faith in these auguries based on theory。 Perhaps； like many a one for whom life has lost its sweetness； she looked forward to death as a happy termination of the drama。
But with the beginning of the year 1819 life grew harder than ever。 Even while she congratulated herself upon the negative happiness which she had contrived to win； she caught a terrifying glimpse of yawning depths below it。 She had passed by degrees out of her husband's life。 Her fine tact and her prudence told her that misfortune must come； and that not singly； of this cooling of an affection already lukewarm and wholly selfish。 Sure though she was of her ascendency over Victor； and certain as she felt of his unalterable esteem； she dreaded the influence of unbridled passions upon a head so empty； so full of rash self…conceit。
Julie's friends often found her absorbed in prolonged musings； the less clairvoyant among them would jestingly ask her what she was thinking about； as if a young wife would think of nothing but frivolity； as if there were not almost always a depth of seriousness in a mother's thoughts。 Unhappiness； like great happiness； induces dreaming。 Sometimes as Julie played with her little Helene； she would gaze darkly at her； giving no reply to the childish questions in which a mother delights； questioning the present and the future as to the destiny of this little one。 Then some sudden recollection would bring back the scene of the review at the Tuileries and fill her eyes with tears。 Her father's prophetic warnings rang in her ears； and conscience reproached her that she had not recognized its wisdom。 Her troubles had all come of her own wayward folly； and often she knew not which among so many were the hardest to bear。 The sweet treasures of her soul were unheeded； and not only so； she could never succeed in making her husband understand her； even in the commonest everyday things。 Just as the power to love developed and grew strong and active； a legitimate channel for the affections of her nature was denied her； and wedded love was extinguished in grave physical and mental sufferings。 Add to this that she now felt for her husband that pity closely bordering upon contempt； which withers all affection at last。 Even if she had not learned from conversations with some of her friends； from examples in life； from sundry occurrences in the great world； that love can bring ineffable bliss； her own wounds would have taught her to divine the pure and deep happiness which binds two kindred souls each to each。
In the picture which her memory traced of the past； Arthur's frank face stood out daily nobler and purer； it was but a flash； for upon that recollection she dared not dwell。 The young Englishman's shy； silent love for her was the one event since her marriage which had left a lingering sweetness in her darkened and lonely heart。 It may be that all the blighted hopes； all the frustrated longings which gradually clouded Julie's mind； gathered； by a not unnatural trick of imagination； about this manwhose manners； sentiments； and character seemed to have so much in common with her own。 This idea still presented itself to her mind fitfully and vaguely； like a dream； yet from that dream； which always ended in a sigh； Julie awoke to greater wretchedness； to keener consciousness of the latent anguish brooding beneath her imaginary bliss。
Occasionally her self…pity took wilder and more daring flights。 She determined to have happiness at any cost； but still more often she lay a helpless victim of an indescribable numbing stupor； the words she heard had no meaning to her； or the thoughts which arose in her mind were so vague and indistinct that she could not find language to express them。 Balked of the wishes of her heart； realities jarred harshly upon her girlish dreams of life； but she was obliged to devour her tears。 To whom could she make complaint？ Of whom be understood？ She possessed； moreover； that highest degree of woman's sensitive pride； the exquisite delicacy of feeling which silences useless complainings and declines to use an advantage to gain a triumph which can only humiliate both victor and vanquished。
Julie tried to endow M。 d'Aiglemont with her own abilities and virtues； flattering herself that thus she might enjoy the happiness lacking in her lot。 All her woman's ingenuity and tack was employed in making the best of the situation； pure waste of pains unsuspected by him； whom she thus strengthened in his despotism。 There were moments when misery became an intoxication； expelling all ideas； all self… control； but； fortunately； sincere piety always brought her back to one supreme hope； she found a refuge in the belief in a future life； a wonderful thought which enabled her to take up her painful task afresh。 No elation of victory followed those terrible inward battles and throes of anguish； no one knew of those long hours of sadness； her haggard glances met no response from human eyes； and during the brief moments snatched by chance for weeping； her bitter tears fell unheeded and in solitude。
One evening in January 1820； the Marquise became aware of the full gravity of the crisis； gradually brought on by force of circumstances。 When a husband and wife know each other thoroughly； and their relation has long been a matter of use and wont； when the wife has learned to interpret every slightest sign； when her quick insight discerns thoughts and facts which her husband keeps from her； a chance word； or a remark so carelessly let fall in the first instance； seems； upon subsequent reflection； like the swift breaking out of light。 A wife not seldom suddenly awakes upon the brink of a precipice or in the depths of the abyss； and thus it was with the Marquise。 She was feeling glad to have been left to herself for some days； when the real reason of her solitude flashed upon her。 Her husband； whether fickle and tired of her； or generous and full of pity for her； was hers no longer。
In the moment of that discovery she forgot herself； her sacrifices； all that she had passed through； she remembered only that she was a mother。 Looking forward； she thought of her daughter's fortune； of the future welfare of the one creature through whom some gleams of happiness came to her； of her Helene； the only possession which bound her to life。
Then Julie wished to live to save her child from a stepmother's terrible thraldom； which might crush her darling's life。 Upon this new vision of threatened possibilities followed one of those paroxysms of thought at fe
