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before adam-第2章

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and chattering among the trees。



At the sight of him; helpless; within the bars of his

cage; I became enraged。  I gritted my teeth at him;

danced up and down; screaming an incoherent mockery and

making antic faces。  He responded; rushing against the

bars and roaring back at me his impotent wrath。  Ah; he

knew me; too; and the sounds I made were the sounds of

old time and intelligible to him。



My parents were frightened。  〃The child is ill;〃 said

my mother。 〃He is hysterical;〃 said my father。  I never

told them; and they never knew。  Already had I

developed reticence concerning this quality of mine;

this semi…disassociation of personality as I think I am

justified in calling it。



I saw the snake…charmer; and no more of the circus did

I see that night。  I was taken home; nervous and

overwrought; sick with the invasion of my real life by

that other life of my dreams。



I have mentioned my reticence。  Only once did I confide

the strangeness of it all to another。  He was a boymy

chum; and we were eight years old。  From my dreams I

reconstructed for him pictures of that vanished world

in which I do believe I once lived。  I told him of the

terrors of that early time; of Lop…Ear and the pranks

we played; of the gibbering councils; and of the Fire

People and their squatting places。



He laughed at me; and jeered; and told me tales of

ghosts and of the dead that walk at night。  But mostly

did he laugh at my feeble fancy。  I told him more; and

he laughed the harder。  I swore in all earnestness that

these things were so; and he began to look upon me

queerly。  Also; he gave amazing garblings of my tales

to our playmates; until all began to look upon me

queerly。



It was a bitter experience; but I learned my lesson。  I

was different from my kind。  I was abnormal with

something they could not understand; and the telling of

which would cause only misunderstanding。  When the

stories of ghosts and goblins went around; I kept

quiet。  I smiled grimly to myself。  I thought of my

nights of fear; and knew that mine were the real

thingsreal as life itself; not attenuated vapors and

surmised shadows。



For me no terrors resided in the thought of bugaboos

and wicked ogres。  The fall through leafy branches and

the dizzy heights; the snakes that struck at me as I

dodged and leaped away in chattering flight; the wild

dogs that hunted  me across the open spaces to the

timberthese were terrors concrete and actual;

happenings and not imaginings; things of the living

flesh and of sweat and blood。 Ogres and bugaboos and I

had been happy bed…fellows; compared with these terrors

that made their bed with me throughout my childhood;

and that still bed with me; now; as I write this; full

of years。







CHAPTER II





I have said that in my dreams I never saw a human

being。  Of this fact I became aware very early; and

felt poignantly the lack of my own kind。  As a very

little child; even; I had a feeling; in the midst of

the horror of my dreaming; that if I could find but one

man; only one human; I should be saved from my

dreaming; that I should be surrounded no more by

haunting terrors。  This thought obsessed me every night

of my life for yearsif only I could find that one

human and be saved!



I must iterate that I had this thought in the midst of

my dreaming; and I take it as an evidence of the

merging of my two personalities; as evidence of a point

of contact between the two disassociated parts of me。

My dream personality lived in the long ago; before ever

man; as we know him; came to be; and my other and

wake…a…day personality projected itself; to the extent

of the knowledge of man's existence; into the substance

of my dreams。



Perhaps the psychologists of the book will find fault

with my way of using the phrase; 〃disassociation of

personality。〃 I know their use of it; yet am compelled

to use it in my own way in default of a better phrase。

I take shelter behind the inadequacy of the English

language。  And now to the explanation of my use; or

misuse; of the phrase。



It was not till I was a young man; at college; that I

got any clew to the significance of my dreams; and to

the cause of them。  Up to that time they had been

meaningless and without apparent causation。  But at

college I discovered evolution and psychology; and

learned the explanation of various strange mental

states and experiences。  For instance; there was the

falling…through…space dreamthe commonest dream

experience; one practically known; by first…hand

experience; to all men。



This; my professor told me; was a racial memory。  It

dated back to our remote ancestors who lived in trees。

With them; being tree…dwellers; the liability of

falling was an ever…present menace。 Many lost their

lives that way; all of them experienced terrible falls;

saving themselves by clutching branches as they fell

toward the ground。



Now a terrible fall; averted in such fashion; was

productive of shock。  Such shock was productive of

molecular changes in the cerebral cells。  These

molecular changes were transmitted to the cerebral

cells of progeny; became; in short; racial memories。

Thus; when you and I; asleep or dozing off to sleep;

fall through space and awake to sickening consciousness

just before we strike; we are merely remembering what

happened to our arboreal ancestors; and which has been

stamped by cerebral changes into the heredity of the

race。



There is nothing strange in this; any more than there

is anything strange in an instinct。  An instinct is

merely a habit that is stamped into the stuff of our

heredity; that is all。  It will be noted; in passing;

that in this falling dream which is so familiar to you

and me and all of us; we never strike bottom。  To

strike bottom would be destruction。  Those of our

arboreal ancestors who struck bottom died forthwith。

True; the shock of their fall was communicated to the

cerebral cells; but they died immediately; before they

could have progeny。  You and I are descended from those

that did not strike bottom; that is why you and I; in

our dreams; never strike bottom。



And now we come to disassociation of personality。  We

never have this sense of falling when we are wide

awake。  Our wake…a…day personality has no experience of

it。  Thenand here the argument is irresistibleit

must be another and distinct personality that falls

when we are asleep; and that has had experience of such

fallingthat has; in short; a memory of past…day race

experiences; just as our wake…a…day personality has a

memory of our wake…a…day experiences。



It was at this stage in my reasoning that I began to

see the light。  And quickly the light burst upon me

with dazzling brightness; illuminating and explaining

all that had been weird and uncanny and unnaturally

impossible in my dream experiences。 In my sleep it was

not my wake…a…day personality that took charge of me;

it was another and distinct personality; possessing a

new and totally different fund of experiences; and; to

the point of my dreaming; possessing memories of those

totally different experiences。



What was this personality? When had it itself lived a

wake…a…day life on this planet in order to collect this

fund of strange experiences? These were questions that

my dreams themselves answered。  He lived in the long

ago; when the world was young; in that period that we

call the Mid…Pleistocene。  He fell from the trees but

did not strike bottom。  He gibbered with fear at the

roaring of the lions。  He was pursued by beasts of

prey; struck at by deadly snakes。  He chattered with

his kind in council; and he received rough usage at the

hands of the Fire People in the day that he fled before

them。



But; I hear you objecting; why is it that these racial

memories are not ours as well; seeing that we have a

vague other…personality that falls through 

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