eugene pickering-第3章

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end　of　six　months。　　After　that　I　never　saw　Eugene。　　His　father　went

to　live　in　the　country；　to　protect　the　lad's　morals；　and　Eugene

faded；　in　reminiscence；　into　a　pale　image　of　the　depressing　effects

of　education。　　I　think　I　vaguely　supposed　that　he　would　melt　into

thin　air；　and　indeed　began　gradually　to　doubt　of　his　existence；　and

to　regard　him　as　one　of　the　foolish　things　one　ceased　to　believe　in

as　one　grew　older。　　It　seemed　natural　that　I　should　have　no　more　news

of　him。　　Our　present　meeting　was　my　first　assurance　that　he　had

really　survived　all　that　muffling　and　coddling。



I　observed　him　now　with　a　good　deal　of　interest；　for　he　was　a　rare

phenomenonthe　fruit　of　a　system　persistently　and　uninterruptedly

applied。　　He　struck　me；　in　a　fashion；　as　certain　young　monks　I　had

seen　in　Italy；　he　had　the　same　candid；　unsophisticated　cloister　face。

His　education　had　been　really　almost　monastic。　　It　had　found　him

evidently　a　very　compliant；　yielding　subject；　his　gentle　affectionate

spirit　was　not　one　of　those　that　need　to　be　broken。　　It　had

bequeathed　him；　now　that　he　stood　on　the　threshold　of　the　great

world；　an　extraordinary　freshness　of　impression　and　alertness　of

desire；　and　I　confess　that；　as　I　looked　at　him　and　met　his

transparent　blue　eye；　I　trembled　for　the　unwarned　innocence　of　such　a

soul。　　I　became　aware；　gradually；　that　the　world　had　already　wrought

a　certain　work　upon　him　and　roused　him　to　a　restless；　troubled　self…

consciousness。　　Everything　about　him　pointed　to　an　experience　from

which　he　had　been　debarred；　his　whole　organism　trembled　with　a

dawning　sense　of　unsuspected　possibilities　of　feeling。　　This

appealing　tremor　was　indeed　outwardly　visible。　　He　kept　shifting

himself　about　on　the　grass；　thrusting　his　hands　through　his　hair；

wiping　a　light　perspiration　from　his　forehead；　breaking　out　to　say

something　and　rushing　off　to　something　else。　　Our　sudden　meeting　had

greatly　excited　him；　and　I　saw　that　I　was　likely　to　profit　by　a

certain　overflow　of　sentimental　fermentation。　　I　could　do　so　with　a

good　conscience；　for　all　this　trepidation　filled　me　with　a　great

friendliness。



〃It's　nearly　fifteen　years；　as　you　say；〃　he　began；　〃since　you　used　to

call　me　'butter…fingers'　for　always　missing　the　ball。　　That's　a　long

time　to　give　an　account　of；　and　yet　they　have　been；　for　me；　such

eventless；　monotonous　years；　that　I　could　almost　tell　their　history

in　ten　words。　　You；　I　suppose；　have　had　all　kinds　of　adventures　and

travelled　over　half　the　world。　　I　remember　you　had　a　turn　for　deeds

of　daring；　I　used　to　think　you　a　little　Captain　Cook　in　roundabouts；

for　climbing　the　garden　fence　to　get　the　ball　when　I　had　let　it　fly

over。　　I　climbed　no　fences　then　or　since。　　You　remember　my　father；　I

suppose；　and　the　great　care　he　took　of　me？　　I　lost　him　some　five

months　ago。　　From　those　boyish　days　up　to　his　death　we　were　always

together。　　I　don't　think　that　in　fifteen　years　we　spent　half　a　dozen

hours　apart。　　We　lived　in　the　country；　winter　and　summer；　seeing　but

three　or　four　people。　　I　had　a　succession　of　tutors；　and　a　library　to

browse　about　in；　I　assure　you　I　am　a　tremendous　scholar。　　It　was　a

dull　life　for　a　growing　boy；　and　a　duller　life　for　a　young　man　grown；

but　I　never　knew　it。　　I　was　perfectly　happy。〃　　He　spoke　of　his　father

at　some　length；　and　with　a　respect　which　I　privately　declined　to

emulate。　　Mr。　Pickering　had　been；　to　my　sense；　a　frigid　egotist；

unable　to　conceive　of　any　larger　vocation　for　his　son　than　to　strive

to　reproduce　so　irreproachable　a　model。　　〃I　know　I　have　been

strangely　brought　up；〃　said　my　friend；　〃and　that　the　result　is

something　grotesque；　but　my　education；　piece　by　piece；　in　detail；

became　one　of　my　father's　personal　habits；　as　it　were。　　He　took　a

fancy　to　it　at　first　through　his　intense　affection　for　my　mother　and

the　sort　of　worship　he　paid　her　memory。　　She　died　at　my　birth；　and　as

I　grew　up；　it　seems　that　I　bore　an　extraordinary　likeness　to　her。

Besides；　my　father　had　a　great　many　theories；　he　prided　himself　on

his　conservative　opinions；　he　thought　the　usual　American　laisser…

aller　in　education　was　a　very　vulgar　practice；　and　that　children　were

not　to　grow　up　like　dusty　thorns　by　the　wayside。　　〃So　you　see；〃

Pickering　went　on；　smiling　and　blushing；　and　yet　with　something　of

the　irony　of　vain　regret；　〃I　am　a　regular　garden　plant。　　I　have　been

watched　and　watered　and　pruned；　and　if　there　is　any　virtue　in　tending

I　ought　to　take　the　prize　at　a　flower　show。　　Some　three　years　ago　my

father's　health　broke　down；　and　he　was　kept　very　much　within　doors。

So；　although　I　was　a　man　grown；　I　lived　altogether　at　home。　　If　I　was

out　of　his　sight　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour　he　sent　some　one　after　me。

He　had　severe　attacks　of　neuralgia；　and　he　used　to　sit　at　his　window；

basking　in　the　sun。　　He　kept　an　opera…glass　at　hand；　and　when　I　was

out　in　the　garden　he　used　to　watch　me　with　it。　　A　few　days　before　his

death　I　was　twenty…seven　years　old；　and　the　most　innocent　youth；　I

suppose；　on　the　continent。　　After　he　died　I　missed　him　greatly；〃

Pickering　continued；　evidently　with　no　intention　of　making　an

epigram。　　〃I　stayed　at　home；　in　a　sort　of　dull　stupor。　　It　seemed　as

if　life　offered　itself　to　me　for　the　first　time；　and　yet　as　if　I

didn't　know　how　to　take　hold　of　it。〃



He　uttered　all　this　with　a　frank　eagerness　which　increased　as　he

talked；　and　there　was　a　singular　contrast　between　the　meagre

experience　he　described　and　a　certain　radiant　intelligence　which　I

seemed　to　perceive　in　his　glance　and　tone。　　Evidently　he　was　a　clever

fellow；　and　his　natural　faculties　were　excellent。　　I　imagined　he　had

read　a　great　deal；　and　recovered；　in　some　degree；　in　restless

intellectual　conjecture；　the　freedom　he　was　condemned　to　ignore　in

practice。　　Opportunity　was　now　offering　a　meaning　to　the　empty　forms

with　which　his　imagination　was　stored；　but　it　appeared　to　him　dimly；

through　the　veil　of　his　personal　diffidence。



〃I　have　not　sailed　round　the　world；　as　you　suppose；〃　I　said；　〃but　I

confess　I　envy　you　the　novelties　you　are　going　to　behold。　　Coming　to

Homburg　you　have　plunged　in　medias　res。〃



He　glanced　at　me　to　see　if　my　remark　contained　an　allusion；　and

hesitated　a　moment。　　〃Yes；　I　know　it。　　I　came　to　Bremen　in　the

steamer　with　a　very　friendly　German；　who　undertook　to　initiate　me

into　the　glories　and　mysteries　of　the　Fatherland。　　At　this　season；　he

said；　I　must　begin　with　Homburg。　　I　landed　but　a　fortnight　ago；　and

here　I　am。〃　　Again　he　hesitated；　as　if　he　were　going　to　add　something

about　the　scene　at　the　Kursaal　but　suddenly；　nervously；　he　took　up

the　letter　which　was　lying　beside　him；　looked　hard　at　the　seal　with　a

troubled　frown；　and　then　flung　it　back　on　the　grass　with　a　sigh。



〃How　long　do　you　expect　to　be　in　Europe？〃　I　asked。



〃Six　months　I　supposed　when　I　came。　　But　not　so　longnow！〃　　And　he

let　his　eyes　wander　to　the　letter　again。



〃And　where　shall　you　gowhat　shall　you　do？〃



〃Everywhere；　everything；　I　should　have　said　yesterday。　　But　now　it　is

different。〃



I　glanced　at　the　letterinterrogatively；　and　he　gravely　picked　it　up

and　put　it　into　his　pocket。　　We　talked　for　a　while　longer；　but　I　saw

that　he　had　suddenly　become　preoccupied；　that　he　was　apparently

weighing　an　impulse　to　break　some　last　barrier　of　reserve。　　At　last

he　suddenly　laid　his　hand　on　my　arm；　looked　at　me　a　moment

appealingly；　and　cried；　〃Upon　my　word；　I　should　like　to　tell　you

everything！〃



〃Tell　me　everything；　by　all　means；〃　I　answered；　smiling。　〃I　desire

nothing　better　than　to　lie　here　in　the　shade　and　hear　everything。〃



〃Ah；　but　the　question　is；　will　you　understand　it？　　No　matter；　you

think　me　a　queer　fellow　already。　　It's　not　easy；　either；　to　tell　you

what　I　feelnot　easy　for　so　queer　a　fellow　as　I　to　tell　you　in　how

many　ways　he　is　queer！〃　　He　got　up　and　walked　away　a　moment；　passing

his　hand　over　his　eyes；　then　came　back　rapidly　and　flung　himself　on

the　grass　again。　　〃I　said　just　now