three men in a boat-第8章

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first。　　And　one　would　open　the　door　and　mount　the　steps；　and　stagger　back　

into　the　arms　of　the　man　behind　him；　and　they　would　all　come　and　have　a　

sniff；　and　then　droop　off　and　squeeze　into　other　carriages；　or　pay　the　

difference　and　go　first。



From　Euston；　I　took　the　cheeses　down　to　my　friend's　house。　　When　his　wife　

came　into　the　room　she　smelt　round　for　an　instant。　　Then　she　said：



〃What　is　it？　　Tell　me　the　worst。〃



I　said：



〃It's　cheeses。　　Tom　bought　them　in　Liverpool；　and　asked　me　to　bring　them　

up　with　me。〃



And　I　added　that　I　hoped　she　understood　that　it　had　nothing　to　do　with　

me；　and　she　said　that　she　was　sure　of　that；　but　that　she　would　speak　to　

Tom　about　it　when　he　came　back。



My　friend　was　detained　in　Liverpool　longer　than　he　expected；　and；　three　

days　later；　as　he　hadn't　returned　home；　his　wife　called　on　me。　　She　said：



〃What　did　Tom　say　about　those　cheeses？〃



I　replied　that　he　had　directed　they　were　to　be　kept　in　a　moist　place；　and　

that　nobody　was　to　touch　them。



She　said：



〃Nobody's　likely　to　touch　them。　　Had　he　smelt　them？〃



I　thought　he　had；　and　added　that　he　seemed　greatly　attached　to　them。



〃You　think　he　would　be　upset；〃　she　queried；　〃if　I　gave　a　man　a　sovereign　

to　take　them　away　and　bury　them？〃



I　answered　that　I　thought　he　would　never　smile　again。



An　idea　struck　her。　　She　said：



〃Do　you　mind　keeping　them　for　him？　　Let　me　send　them　round　to　you。〃



〃Madam；〃　I　replied；　〃for　myself　I　like　the　smell　of　cheese；　and　the　

journey　the　other　day　with　them　from　Liverpool　I　shall　ever　look　back　

upon　as　a　happy　ending　to　a　pleasant　holiday。　　But；　in　this　world；　we　

must　consider　others。　　The　lady　under　whose　roof　I　have　the　honour　of　

residing　is　a　widow；　and；　for　all　I　know；　possibly　an　orphan　too。　　She　

has　a　strong；　I　may　say　an　eloquent；　objection　to　being　what　she　terms　

‘put　upon。'　　The　presence　of　your　husband's　cheeses　in　her　house　she　

would；　I　instinctively　feel；　regard　as　a　‘put　upon'；　and　it　shall　never　

be　said　that　I　put　upon　the　widow　and　the　orphan。〃



〃Very　well；　then；〃　said　my　friend's　wife；　rising；　〃all　I　have　to　say　is；　

that　I　shall　take　the　children　and　go　to　an　hotel　until　those　cheeses　are　

eaten。　　I　decline　to　live　any　longer　in　the　same　house　with　them。〃



She　kept　her　word；　leaving　the　place　in　charge　of　the　charwoman；　who；　

when　asked　if　she　could　stand　the　smell；　replied；　〃What　smell？〃　and　who；　

when　taken　close　to　the　cheeses　and　told　to　sniff　hard；　said　she　could　

detect　a　faint　odour　of　melons。　　It　was　argued　from　this　that　little　

injury　could　result　to　the　woman　from　the　atmosphere；　and　she　was　left。



The　hotel　bill　came　to　fifteen　guineas；　and　my　friend；　after　reckoning　

everything　up；　found　that　the　cheeses　had　cost　him　eight…and…sixpence　a　

pound。　　He　said　he　dearly　loved　a　bit　of　cheese；　but　it　was　beyond　his　

means；　so　he　determined　to　get　rid　of　them。　　He　threw　them　into　the　

canal；　but　had　to　fish　them　out　again；　as　the　bargemen　complained。　　They　

said　it　made　them　feel　quite　faint。　　And；　after　that；　he　took　them　one　

dark　night　and　left　them　in　the　parish　mortuary。　　But　the　coroner　

discovered　them；　and　made　a　fearful　fuss。



He　said　it　was　a　plot　to　deprive　him　of　his　living　by　waking　up　the　

corpses。



My　friend　got　rid　of　them；　at　last；　by　taking　them　down　to　a　sea…side　

town；　and　burying　them　on　the　beach。　　It　gained　the　place　quite　a　

reputation。　　Visitors　said　they　had　never　noticed　before　how　strong　the　

air　was；　and　weak…chested　and　consumptive　people　used　to　throng　there　for　

years　afterwards。



Fond　as　I　am　of　cheese；　therefore；　I　hold　that　George　was　right　in　

declining　to　take　any。



〃We　shan't　want　any　tea；〃　said　George　（Harris's　face　fell　at　this）；　〃but　

we'll　have　a　good　round；　square；　slap…up　meal　at　seven　…　dinner；　tea；　and　

supper　combined。〃



Harris　grew　more　cheerful。　　George　suggested　meat　and　fruit　pies；　cold　

meat；　tomatoes；　fruit；　and　green　stuff。　　For　drink；　we　took　some　

wonderful　sticky　concoction　of　Harris's；　which　you　mixed　with　water　and　

called　lemonade；　plenty　of　tea；　and　a　bottle　of　whisky；　in　case；　as　

George　said；　we　got　upset。



It　seemed　to　me　that　George　harped　too　much　on　the　getting…upset　idea。　　

It　seemed　to　me　the　wrong　spirit　to　go　about　the　trip　in。



But　I'm　glad　we　took　the　whisky。



We　didn't　take　beer　or　wine。　　They　are　a　mistake　up　the　river。　　They　make　

you　feel　sleepy　and　heavy。　　A　glass　in　the　evening　when　you　are　doing　a　

mouch　round　the　town　and　looking　at　the　girls　is　all　right　enough；　but　

don't　drink　when　the　sun　is　blazing　down　on　your　head；　and　you've　got　

hard　work　to　do。



We　made　a　list　of　the　things　to　be　taken；　and　a　pretty　lengthy　one　it　

was；　before　we　parted　that　evening。　　The　next　day；　which　was　Friday；　we　

got　them　all　together；　and　met　in　the　evening　to　pack。　　We　got　a　big　

Gladstone　for　the　clothes；　and　a　couple　of　hampers　for　the　victuals　and　

the　cooking　utensils。　　We　moved　the　table　up　against　the　window；　piled　

everything　in　a　heap　in　the　middle　of　the　floor；　and　sat　round　and　looked　

at　it。



I　said　I'd　pack。



I　rather　pride　myself　on　my　packing。　　Packing　is　one　of　those　many　things　

that　I　feel　I　know　more　about　than　any　other　person　living。　　（It　

surprises　me　myself；　sometimes；　how　many　of　these　subjects　there　are。）　　I　

impressed　the　fact　upon　George　and　Harris；　and　told　them　that　they　had　

better　leave　the　whole　matter　entirely　to　me。　　They　fell　into　the　

suggestion　with　a　readiness　that　had　something　uncanny　about　it。　　George　

put　on　a　pipe　and　spread　himself　over　the　easy…chair；　and　Harris　cocked　

his　legs　on　the　table　and　lit　a　cigar。



This　was　hardly　what　I　intended。　　What　I　had　meant；　of　course；　was；　that　

I　should　boss　the　job；　and　that　Harris　and　George　should　potter　about　

under　my　directions；　I　pushing　them　aside　every　now　and　then　with；　〃Oh；　

you　…　！〃　　〃Here；　let　me　do　it。〃　　〃There　you　are；　simple　enough！〃　…　really　

teaching　them；　as　you　might　say。　　Their　taking　it　in　the　way　they　did　

irritated　me。　　There　is　nothing　does　irritate　me　more　than　seeing　other　

people　sitting　about　doing　nothing　when　I'm　working。



I　lived　with　a　man　once　who　used　to　make　me　mad　that　way。　　He　would　loll　

on　the　sofa　and　watch　me　doing　things　by　the　hour　together；　following　me　

round　the　room　with　his　eyes；　wherever　I　went。　　He　said　it　did　him　real　

good　to　look　on　at　me；　messing　about。　　He　said　it　made　him　feel　that　life　

was　not　an　idle　dream　to　be　gaped　and　yawned　through；　but　a　noble　task；　

full　of　duty　and　stern　work。　　He　said　he　often　wondered　now　how　he　could　

have　gone　on　before　he　met　me；　never　having　anybody　to　look　at　while　they　

worked。



Now；　I'm　not　like　that。　　I　can't　sit　still　and　see　another　man　slaving　

and　working。　　I　want　to　get　up　and　superintend；　and　walk　round　with　my　

hands　in　my　pockets；　and　tell　him　what　to　do。　　It　is　my　energetic　nature。　　

I　can't　help　it。



However；　I　did　not　say　anything；　but　started　the　packing。　　It　seemed　a　

longer　job　than　I　had　thought　it　was　going　to　be；　but　I　got　the　bag　

finished　at　last；　and　I　sat　on　it　and　strapped　it。



〃Ain't　you　going　to　put　the　boots　in？〃　said　Harris。



And　I　looked　round；　and　found　I　had　forgotten　them。　　That's　just　like　

Harris。　　He　couldn't　have　said　a　word　until　I'd　got　the　bag　shut　and　

strapped；　of　course。　　And　George　laughed　…　one　of　those　irritating；　

senseless；　chuckle…headed；　crack…jawed　laughs　of　his。　　They　do　make　me　so　

wild。



I　opened　the　bag　and　packed　the　boots　in；　and　then；　just　as　I　was　going　

to　close　it；　a　horrible　idea　occurred　to　me。　　Had　I　packed　my　tooth…

brush？　　I　don't　know　how　it　is；　but　I　never　do　know　whether　I've　packed　

my　tooth…brush。



My　tooth…brush　is　a　thing　that　haunts　me　when　I'm　travelling；　and　makes　

my　life　a　misery。　　I　dream　that　I　haven't　packed　it；　and　wake　up　in　a　

cold　perspiration；　and　get　out　of　bed　and　hunt　for　it。　　And；　in