three men in a boat-第5章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



that　maybe　they'd　let　him　remain　on　earth　for　a　bit　longer；　after　all。



To　hang　about　a　stable；　and　collect　a　gang　of　the　most　disreputable　dogs　

to　be　found　in　the　town；　and　lead　them　out　to　march　round　the　slums　to　

fight　other　disreputable　dogs；　is　Montmorency's　idea　of　〃life；〃　and　so；　

as　I　before　observed；　he　gave　to　the　suggestion　of　inns；　and　pubs。；　and　

hotels　his　most　emphatic　approbation。



Having　thus　settled　the　sleeping　arrangements　to　the　satisfaction　of　all　

four　of　us；　the　only　thing　left　to　discuss　was　what　we　should　take　with　

us；　and　this　we　had　begun　to　argue；　when　Harris　said　he'd　had　enough　

oratory　for　one　night；　and　proposed　that　we　should　go　out　and　have　a　

smile；　saying　that　he　had　found　a　place；　round　by　the　square；　where　you　

could　really　get　a　drop　of　Irish　worth　drinking。



George　said　he　felt　thirsty　（I　never　knew　George　when　he　didn't）；　and；　as　

I　had　a　presentiment　that　a　little　whisky；　warm；　with　a　slice　of　lemon；　

would　do　my　complaint　good；　the　debate　was；　by　common　assent；　adjourned　

to　the　following　night；　and　the　assembly　put　on　its　hats　and　went　out。









CHAPTER　III。





ARRANGEMENTS　SETTLED。　…　HARRIS'S　METHOD　OF　DOING　WORK。　…　HOW　THE　ELDERLY；　

FAMILY…MAN　PUTS　UP　A　PICTURE。　…　GEORGE　MAKES　A　SENSIBLE；　REMARK。　…　

DELIGHTS　OF　EARLY　MORNING　BATHING。　…　PROVISIONS　FOR　GETTING　UPSET。



SO；　on　the　following　evening；　we　again　assembled；　to　discuss　and　arrange　

our　plans。　　Harris　said：



〃Now；　the　first　thing　to　settle　is　what　to　take　with　us。　　Now；　you　get　a　

bit　of　paper　and　write　down；　J。；　and　you　get　the　grocery　catalogue；　

George；　and　somebody　give　me　a　bit　of　pencil；　and　then　I'll　make　out　a　

list。〃



That's　Harris　all　over　…　so　ready　to　take　the　burden　of　everything　

himself；　and　put　it　on　the　backs　of　other　people。



He　always　reminds　me　of　my　poor　Uncle　Podger。　　You　never　saw　such　a　

commotion　up　and　down　a　house；　in　all　your　life；　as　when　my　Uncle　Podger　

undertook　to　do　a　job。　　A　picture　would　have　come　home　from　the　frame…

maker's；　and　be　standing　in　the　dining…room；　waiting　to　be　put　up；　and　

Aunt　Podger　would　ask　what　was　to　be　done　with　it；　and　Uncle　Podger　would　

say：



〃Oh；　you　leave　that　to　ME。　　Don't　you；　any　of　you；　worry　yourselves　about　

that。　　I'LL　do　all　that。〃



And　then　he　would　take　off　his　coat；　and　begin。　　He　would　send　the　girl　

out　for　sixpen'orth　of　nails；　and　then　one　of　the　boys　after　her　to　tell　

her　what　size　to　get；　and；　from　that；　he　would　gradually　work　down；　and　

start　the　whole　house。



〃Now　you　go　and　get　me　my　hammer；　Will；〃　he　would　shout；　〃and　you　bring　

me　the　rule；　Tom；　and　I　shall　want　the　step…ladder；　and　I　had　better　have　

a　kitchen…chair；　too；　and；　Jim！　you　run　round　to　Mr。　Goggles；　and　tell　

him；　‘Pa's　kind　regards；　and　hopes　his　leg's　better；　and　will　he　lend　him　

his　spirit…level？'　　And　don't　you　go；　Maria；　because　I　shall　want　

somebody　to　hold　me　the　light；　and　when　the　girl　comes　back；　she　must　go　

out　again　for　a　bit　of　picture…cord；　and　Tom！　…　where's　Tom？　…　Tom；　you　

come　here；　I　shall　want　you　to　hand　me　up　the　picture。〃



And　then　he　would　lift　up　the　picture；　and　drop　it；　and　it　would　come　out　

of　the　frame；　and　he　would　try　to　save　the　glass；　and　cut　himself；　and　

then　he　would　spring　round　the　room；　looking　for　his　handkerchief。　　He　

could　not　find　his　handkerchief；　because　it　was　in　the　pocket　of　the　coat　

he　had　taken　off；　and　he　did　not　know　where　he　had　put　the　coat；　and　all　

the　house　had　to　leave　off　looking　for　his　tools；　and　start　looking　for　

his　coat；　while　he　would　dance　round　and　hinder　them。



〃Doesn't　anybody　in　the　whole　house　know　where　my　coat　is？　　I　never　came　

across　such　a　set　in　all　my　life　…　upon　my　word　I　didn't。　　Six　of　you！　…　

and　you　can't　find　a　coat　that　I　put　down　not　five　minutes　ago！　　Well；　of　

all　the　…　〃



Then　he'd　get　up；　and　find　that　he　had　been　sitting　on　it；　and　would　call　

out：



〃Oh；　you　can　give　it　up！　　I've　found　it　myself　now。　　Might　just　as　well　

ask　the　cat　to　find　anything　as　expect　you　people　to　find　it。〃



And；　when　half　an　hour　had　been　spent　in　tying　up　his　finger；　and　a　new　

glass　had　been　got；　and　the　tools；　and　the　ladder；　and　the　chair；　and　the　

candle　had　been　brought；　he　would　have　another　go；　the　whole　family；　

including　the　girl　and　the　charwoman；　standing　round　in　a　semi…circle；　

ready　to　help。　　Two　people　would　have　to　hold　the　chair；　and　a　third　

would　help　him　up　on　it；　and　hold　him　there；　and　a　fourth　would　hand　him　

a　nail；　and　a　fifth　would　pass　him　up　the　hammer；　and　he　would　take　hold　

of　the　nail；　and　drop　it。



〃There！〃　he　would　say；　in　an　injured　tone；　〃now　the　nail's　gone。〃



And　we　would　all　have　to　go　down　on　our　knees　and　grovel　for　it；　while　he　

would　stand　on　the　chair；　and　grunt；　and　want　to　know　if　he　was　to　be　

kept　there　all　the　evening。



The　nail　would　be　found　at　last；　but　by　that　time　he　would　have　lost　the　

hammer。



〃Where's　the　hammer？　　What　did　I　do　with　the　hammer？　　Great　heavens！　　

Seven　of　you；　gaping　round　there；　and　you　don't　know　what　I　did　with　the　

hammer！〃



We　would　find　the　hammer　for　him；　and　then　he　would　have　lost　sight　of　

the　mark　he　had　made　on　the　wall；　where　the　nail　was　to　go　in；　and　each　

of　us　had　to　get　up　on　the　chair；　beside　him；　and　see　if　we　could　find　

it；　and　we　would　each　discover　it　in　a　different　place；　and　he　would　call　

us　all　fools；　one　after　another；　and　tell　us　to　get　down。　　And　he　would　

take　the　rule；　and　re…measure；　and　find　that　he　wanted　half　thirty…one　

and　three…eighths　inches　from　the　corner；　and　would　try　to　do　it　in　his　

head；　and　go　mad。



And　we　would　all　try　to　do　it　in　our　heads；　and　all　arrive　at　different　

results；　and　sneer　at　one　another。　　And　in　the　general　row；　the　original　

number　would　be　forgotten；　and　Uncle　Podger　would　have　to　measure　it　

again。



He　would　use　a　bit　of　string　this　time；　and　at　the　critical　moment；　when　

the　old　fool　was　leaning　over　the　chair　at　an　angle　of　forty…five；　and　

trying　to　reach　a　point　three　inches　beyond　what　was　possible　for　him　to　

reach；　the　string　would　slip；　and　down　he　would　slide　on　to　the　piano；　a　

really　fine　musical　effect　being　produced　by　the　suddenness　with　which　

his　head　and　body　struck　all　the　notes　at　the　same　time。



And　Aunt　Maria　would　say　that　she　would　not　allow　the　children　to　stand　

round　and　hear　such　language。



At　last；　Uncle　Podger　would　get　the　spot　fixed　again；　and　put　the　point　

of　the　nail　on　it　with　his　left　hand；　and　take　the　hammer　in　his　right　

hand。　　And；　with　the　first　blow；　he　would　smash　his　thumb；　and　drop　the　

hammer；　with　a　yell；　on　somebody's　toes。



Aunt　Maria　would　mildly　observe　that；　next　time　Uncle　Podger　was　going　to　

hammer　a　nail　into　the　wall；　she　hoped　he'd　let　her　know　in　time；　so　that　

she　could　make　arrangements　to　go　and　spend　a　week　with　her　mother　while　

it　was　being　done。



〃Oh！　you　women；　you　make　such　a　fuss　over　everything；〃　Uncle　Podger　would　

reply；　picking　himself　up。　　〃Why；　I　LIKE　doing　a　little　job　of　this　

sort。〃



And　then　he　would　have　another　try；　and；　at　the　second　blow；　the　nail　

would　go　clean　through　the　plaster；　and　half　the　hammer　after　it；　and　

Uncle　Podger　be　precipitated　against　the　wall　with　force　nearly　

sufficient　to　flatten　his　nose。



Then　we　had　to　find　the　rule　and　the　string　again；　and　a　new　hole　was　

made；　and；　about　midnight；　the　picture　would　be　up　…　very　crooked　and　

insecure；　the　wall　for　yards　round　looking　as　if　it　had　been　smoothed　

down　with　a　rake；　and　everybody　dead　beat　and　wretched　…　except　Uncle　

Podger。



〃There　you　are；〃　he　would　say；　stepping　heavily　off　the　chair　on　to　the　

charwoman's　corns；　and　surveying　the　mess　he　had　made　with　evident　pride。　　

〃Why；　some　people　would　have　had　a　man　in　to　do　a　little　thing　like　

that！〃



Harris　will　be　just　that　sort　of　man　when　he　grows　up；　I　know；　and　I　told　

him　so。　　I　sai