three men in a boat-第17章

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！



going　over；　and　had　to　stay　there　till　I　could　get　hold　of　his　legs；　and　

haul　him　back；　and　that　made　him　madder　than　ever。









CHAPTER　VIII。





BLACKMAILING。　…　THE　PROPER　COURSE　TO　PURSUE。　…　SELFISH　BOORISHNESS　OF　

RIVER…SIDE　LANDOWNER。　…　〃NOTICE〃　BOARDS。　…　UNCHRISTIANLIKE　FEELINGS　OF　

HARRIS。　…　HOW　HARRIS　SINGS　A　COMIC　SONG。　…　A　HIGH…CLASS　PARTY。　…　SHAMEFUL　

CONDUCT　OF　TWO　ABANDONED　YOUNG　MEN。　…　SOME　USELESS　INFORMATION。　…　GEORGE　

BUYS　A　BANJO。



WE　stopped　under　the　willows　by　Kempton　Park；　and　lunched。　　It　is　a　

pretty　little　spot　there：　a　pleasant　grass　plateau；　running　along　by　the　

water's　edge；　and　overhung　by　willows。　　We　had　just　commenced　the　third　

course　…　the　bread　and　jam　…　when　a　gentleman　in　shirt…sleeves　and　a　

short　pipe　came　along；　and　wanted　to　know　if　we　knew　that　we　were　

trespassing。　　We　said　we　hadn't　given　the　matter　sufficient　consideration　

as　yet　to　enable　us　to　arrive　at　a　definite　conclusion　on　that　point；　but　

that；　if　he　assured　us　on　his　word　as　a　gentleman　that　we　WERE　

trespassing；　we　would；　without　further　hesitation；　believe　it。



He　gave　us　the　required　assurance；　and　we　thanked　him；　but　he　still　hung　

about；　and　seemed　to　be　dissatisfied；　so　we　asked　him　if　there　was　

anything　further　that　we　could　do　for　him；　and　Harris；　who　is　of　a　chummy　

disposition；　offered　him　a　bit　of　bread　and　jam。



I　fancy　he　must　have　belonged　to　some　society　sworn　to　abstain　from　bread　

and　jam；　for　he　declined　it　quite　gruffly；　as　if　he　were　vexed　at　being　

tempted　with　it；　and　he　added　that　it　was　his　duty　to　turn　us　off。



Harris　said　that　if　it　was　a　duty　it　ought　to　be　done；　and　asked　the　man　

what　was　his　idea　with　regard　to　the　best　means　for　accomplishing　it。　　

Harris　is　what　you　would　call　a　well…made　man　of　about　number　one　size；　

and　looks　hard　and　bony；　and　the　man　measured　him　up　and　down；　and　said　

he　would　go　and　consult　his　master；　and　then　come　back　and　chuck　us　both　

into　the　river。



Of　course；　we　never　saw　him　any　more；　and；　of　course；　all　he　really　

wanted　was　a　shilling。　　There　are　a　certain　number　of　riverside　roughs　

who　make　quite　an　income；　during　the　summer；　by　slouching　about　the　banks　

and　blackmailing　weak…minded　noodles　in　this　way。　　They　represent　

themselves　as　sent　by　the　proprietor。　　The　proper　course　to　pursue　is　to　

offer　your　name　and　address；　and　leave　the　owner；　if　he　really　has　

anything　to　do　with　the　matter；　to　summon　you；　and　prove　what　damage　you　

have　done　to　his　land　by　sitting　down　on　a　bit　of　it。　　But　the　majority　

of　people　are　so　intensely　lazy　and　timid；　that　they　prefer　to　encourage　

the　imposition　by　giving　in　to　it　rather　than　put　an　end　to　it　by　the　

exertion　of　a　little　firmness。



Where　it　is　really　the　owners　that　are　to　blame；　they　ought　to　be　shown　

up。　　The　selfishness　of　the　riparian　proprietor　grows　with　every　year。　　

If　these　men　had　their　way　they　would　close　the　river　Thames　altogether。　　

They　actually　do　this　along　the　minor　tributary　streams　and　in　the　

backwaters。　　They　drive　posts　into　the　bed　of　the　stream；　and　draw　chains　

across　from　bank　to　bank；　and　nail　huge　notice…boards　on　every　tree。　　The　

sight　of　those　notice…boards　rouses　every　evil　instinct　in　my　nature。　　I　

feel　I　want　to　tear　each　one　down；　and　hammer　it　over　the　head　of　the　man　

who　put　it　up；　until　I　have　killed　him；　and　then　I　would　bury　him；　and　

put　the　board　up　over　the　grave　as　a　tombstone。



I　mentioned　these　feelings　of　mine　to　Harris；　and　he　said　he　had　them　

worse　than　that。　　He　said　he　not　only　felt　he　wanted　to　kill　the　man　who　

caused　the　board　to　be　put　up；　but　that　he　should　like　to　slaughter　the　

whole　of　his　family　and　all　his　friends　and　relations；　and　then　burn　down　

his　house。　　This　seemed　to　me　to　be　going　too　far；　and　I　said　so　to　

Harris；　but　he　answered：



〃Not　a　bit　of　it。　　Serve　‘em　all　jolly　well　right；　and　I'd　go　and　sing　

comic　songs　on　the　ruins。〃



I　was　vexed　to　hear　Harris　go　on　in　this　blood…thirsty　strain。　　We　never　

ought　to　allow　our　instincts　of　justice　to　degenerate　into　mere　

vindictiveness。　　It　was　a　long　while　before　I　could　get　Harris　to　take　a　

more　Christian　view　of　the　subject；　but　I　succeeded　at　last；　and　he　

promised　me　that　he　would　spare　the　friends　and　relations　at　all　events；　

and　would　not　sing　comic　songs　on　the　ruins。



You　have　never　heard　Harris　sing　a　comic　song；　or　you　would　understand　

the　service　I　had　rendered　to　mankind。　　It　is　one　of　Harris's　fixed　ideas　

that　he　CAN　sing　a　comic　song；　the　fixed　idea；　on　the　contrary；　among　

those　of　Harris's　friends　who　have　heard　him　try；　is　that　he　CAN'T　and　

never　will　be　able　to；　and　that　he　ought　not　to　be　allowed　to　try。



When　Harris　is　at　a　party；　and　is　asked　to　sing；　he　replies：　〃Well；　I　can　

only　sing　a　COMIC　song；　you　know；〃　and　he　says　it　in　a　tone　that　implies　

that　his　singing　of　THAT；　however；　is　a　thing　that　you　ought　to　hear　

once；　and　then　die。



〃Oh；　that　IS　nice；〃　says　the　hostess。　　〃Do　sing　one；　Mr。　Harris；〃　and　

Harris　gets　up；　and　makes　for　the　piano；　with　the　beaming　cheeriness　of　a　

generous…minded　man　who　is　just　about　to　give　somebody　something。



〃Now；　silence；　please；　everybody〃　says　the　hostess；　turning　round；　〃Mr。　

Harris　is　going　to　sing　a　comic　song！〃



〃Oh；　how　jolly！〃　they　murmur；　and　they　hurry　in　from　the　conservatory；　

and　come　up　from　the　stairs；　and　go　and　fetch　each　other　from　all　over　

the　house；　and　crowd　into　the　drawing…room；　and　sit　round；　all　smirking　

in　anticipation。



Then　Harris　begins。



Well；　you　don't　look　for　much　of　a　voice　in　a　comic　song。　　You　don't　

expect　correct　phrasing　or　vocalization。　　You　don't　mind　if　a　man　does　

find　out；　when　in　the　middle　of　a　note；　that　he　is　too　high；　and　comes　

down　with　a　jerk。　　You　don't　bother　about　time。　　You　don't　mind　a　man　

being　two　bars　in　front　of　the　accompaniment；　and　easing　up　in　the　middle　

of　a　line　to　argue　it　out　with　the　pianist；　and　then　starting　the　verse　

afresh。　　But　you　do　expect　the　words。



You　don't　expect　a　man　to　never　remember　more　than　the　first　three　lines　

of　the　first　verse；　and　to　keep　on　repeating　these　until　it　is　time　to　

begin　the　chorus。　　You　don't　expect　a　man　to　break　off　in　the　middle　of　a　

line；　and　snigger；　and　say；　it's　very　funny；　but　he's　blest　if　he　can　

think　of　the　rest　of　it；　and　then　try　and　make　it　up　for　himself；　and；　

afterwards；　suddenly　recollect　it；　when　he　has　got　to　an　entirely　

different　part　of　the　song；　and　break　off；　without　a　word　of　warning；　to　

go　back　and　let　you　have　it　then　and　there。　　You　don't　…　well；　I　will　

just　give　you　an　idea　of　Harris's　comic　singing；　and　then　you　can　judge　

of　it　for　yourself。



HARRIS　（STANDING　UP　IN　FRONT　OF　PIANO　AND　ADDRESSING　THE　EXPECTANT　MOB）：　

〃I'm　afraid　it's　a　very　old　thing；　you　know。　　I　expect　you　all　know　it；　

you　know。　　But　it's　the　only　thing　I　know。　　It's　the　Judge's　song　out　of　

PINAFORE　…　no；　I　don't　mean　PINAFORE　…　I　mean　…　you　know　what　I　mean　…　

the　other　thing；　you　know。　　You　must　all　join　in　the　chorus；　you　know。〃



＇Murmurs　of　delight　and　anxiety　to　join　in　the　chorus。　　Brilliant　

performance　of　prelude　to　the　Judge's　song　in　〃Trial　by　Jury〃　by　nervous　

Pianist。　　Moment　arrives　for　Harris　to　join　in。　　Harris　takes　no　notice　

of　it。　　Nervous　pianist　commences　prelude　over　again；　and　Harris；　

commencing　singing　at　the　same　time；　dashes　off　the　first　two　lines　of　

the　First　Lord's　song　out　of　〃Pinafore。〃　　Nervous　pianist　tries　to　push　

on　with　prelude；　gives　it　up；　and　tries　to　follow　Harris　with　

accompaniment　to　Judge's　song　out　〃Trial　by　Jury；〃　finds　that　doesn't　

answer；　and　tries　to　recollect　what　he　is　doing；　and　where　he　is；　feels　

his　mind　giving　way；　and　stops　short。＇



HARRIS　（WITH　KINDLY　ENCOURAGEMENT）：　〃It's　all　right。　　You're　doing　it　

very　well；　indeed　…　go　on。〃



NERVOUS　PIANIST：　〃I'm　afraid　there's　a　mistake　somewhere。　　What　are　you　

singing？〃



HARR