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第20章

remember the alamo-第20章

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habitually use; and Antonia felt and understood the
antagonistic atmosphere。  For the things which we know best of
all are precisely the things which no one has ever told us。

The Senora; in a plain black serge gown; and black rebozo over
her head; spent her time in prayers and penances。  The care of
her household had always been delegated to her steward; and to
Rachela; while the duties that more especially belonged to
her; had been fulfilled by her husband and by Antonia。  In
many respects she was but a grown…up baby。  And so; in this
great extremity; the only duty which pressed upon her was
the idea of supplicating the saints to take charge of her
unhappy affairs。

And Fray Ignatius was daily more hard with her。  Antonia even
suspected from his growing intolerance and bitterness; that
the Americans were gaining unexpected advantages。  But she
knew nothing of what was happening。  She could hear from afar
off the marching and movements of soldiers; the blare of
military music; the faint echoes of hurrahing multitudes; but
there was no one to give her any certain information。  Still;
she guessed something from the anger of the priest and the
reticence of the Mexican servants。  If good fortune had been
with Santa Anna; she was sure she would have heard of 〃The
glorious!  The invincible!  The magnificent Presidente de la
Republica Mexicana!  The Napoleon of the West!〃

It was not permitted her to go into the city。  A proposal to
do so had been met with a storm of angry amazement。  And steam
and electricity had not then annihilated distance and
abolished suspense。  She could but wonder and hope; and try to
read the truth from a covert inspection of the face and
words of Fray Ignatius。

Between this monk and herself the breach was hourly widening。 
With angry pain she saw her mother tortured between the fact
that she loved her husband; and the horrible doubt that to
love him was a mortal sin。  She understood the underlying
motive which prompted the priest to urge upon the Senora the
removal of herself and her daughters to the convent。  His
offer to take charge of the Worth residencia and estate was in
her conviction a proposal to rob them of all rights in it。 
She felt certain that whatever the Church once grasped in its
iron hand; it would ever retain。  And both to Isabel and
herself the thought of a convent was now horrible。  〃They will
force me to be a nun;〃 said Isabel; 〃and then; what will Luis
do?  And they will never tell me anything about my father and
my brothers。  I should never hear of them。  I should never see
them any more; unless the good God was so kind as to let me
meet them in his heaven。〃

And Antonia had still darker and more fearful thoughts。  She
had not forgotten the stories whispered to her childhood; of
dreadful fates reserved for contumacious and disobedient
women。  Whenever Fray Ignatius looked at her she felt as if
she were within the shadow of the Inquisition。

Never had days passed so wearily and anxiously。  Never had
nights been so terrible。  The sisters did not dare to talk
much together; they doubted Rachela; they were sure their
words were listened to and repeated。  They were not permitted
to be alone with the Senora。  Fray Ignatius had particularly
warned Rachela to prevent this。  He was gradually bringing the
unhappy woman into what he called 〃a heavenly mind〃the
influence of her daughters; he was sure; would be that of
worldly affections and sinful liberty。  And Rachela obeyed the
confessor so faithfully; that the Senora was almost in a state
of solitary confinement。  Every day her will was growing
weaker; her pathetic obedience more childlike and absolute。

But at midnight; when every one was asleep; Antonia stepped
softly into her sister's room and talked to her。  They sat in
Isabel's bed clasping each other's hand in the dark; and
speaking in whispers。  Then Antonia warned and
strengthened Isabel。  She told her all her fears。  She
persuaded her to control her wilfulness; to be obedient; and
to assume the childlike thoughtlessness which best satisfied
Fray Ignatius。  〃He told you to…day to be happy; that he would
think for you。  My darling; let him believe that is the thing
you want;〃 said Antonia。  〃I assure you we shall be the safer
for it。〃

〃He said to me yesterday; when I asked him about the war; ‘Do
not inquire; child; into things you do not understand。  That
is to be irreligious;' and then he made the cross on his
breast; as if I had put a bad thought into his heart。  We are
afraid all day; and we sit whispering all night about our
fears; that is the state we are in。  The Lord sends us nothing
but misfortunes; Antonia。〃

〃My darling; tell the Lord your sorrow; then; but do not
repine to Rachela or Fray Ignatius。  That is to complain to
the merciless of the All…Merciful。〃

〃Do you think I am wicked; Antonia?  What excuse could I offer
to His Divine Majesty; if I spoke evil to him of Rachela and
Fray Ignatius?〃

〃Neither of them are our friends; do you think so?〃

〃Fray Ignatius looks like a goblin; he gives me a shiver when
he looks at me; and as for RachelaI already hate her!〃

〃Do not trust her。  You need not hate her; Isabel。〃

〃Antonia; I know that I shall eternally hate her; for I am
sure that our angels are at variance。〃

In conversations like these the anxious girls passed the long;
and often very cold; nights。  The days were still worse; for
as November went slowly away the circumstances which
surrounded their lives appeared to constantly gather a more
decided and a bitterer tone。  December; that had always been
such a month of happiness; bright with Christmas expectations
and Christmas joys; came in with a terribly severe; wet
norther。  The great log fires only warmed the atmosphere
immediately surrounding them; and Isabel and Antonia sat
gloomily within it all day。  It seemed to Antonia as if her
heart had come to the very end of hope; and that something
must happen。

The rain lashed the earth; the wind roared around the house;
and filled it with unusual noises。  The cold was a torture
that few found themselves able to endure。  But it brought a
compensation。  Fray Ignatius did not leave the Mission
comforts; and Rachela could not bear to go prowling about the
corridors and passages。  She established herself in the
Senora's room; and remained there。  And very early in the
evening she said 〃she had an outrageous headache;〃 and went to
her room。

Then Antonia and Isabel sat awhile by their mother's bed。 
They talked in whispers of their father and brothers; and when
the Senora cried; they kissed her sobs into silence and wiped
her tears away。  In that hour; if Fray Ignatius had known it;
they undid; in a great measure; the work to which he had given
more than a month of patient and deeply…reflective labor。  For
with the girls; there was the wondrous charm of love and
nature; but with the priest; only a splendid ideal of a Church
universal that was to swallow up all the claims of love and
all the ties of nature。

It was nearly nine o'clock when Antonia and Isabel returned to
the parlor fire。  Their hearts were full of sorrow for
their mother; and of fears for their own future。  For this
confidence had shown them how firmly the refuge of the convent
had been planted in the anxious ideas of the Senora。 
Fortunately; the cold had driven the servants either to the
kitchen fire or to their beds; and they could talk over the
subject without fear of interference。

〃Are you sleepy; queridita?〃(little dear)。

〃I think I shall never go to sleep again; Antonia。  If I shut
my eyes I shall find myself in the convent; and I do not want
to go there even in a dream。  Do you know Mother Teresa?  Well
then; I could tell you things。  And she does not like me; I am
sure of that; quite sure。〃

〃My darling; I am going to make us a cup of tea。  It will do
us good。〃

〃If indeed it were chocolate!〃

〃I cannot make chocolate now; but you shall have a great deal
of sugar in your cup; and something good to eat also。  There;
my darling; put your chair close to the fire; and we will sit
here until we are quite sleepy。〃

With the words she went into the 

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