remember the alamo-第20章

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habitually　use；　and　Antonia　felt　and　understood　the
antagonistic　atmosphere。　　For　the　things　which　we　know　best　of
all　are　precisely　the　things　which　no　one　has　ever　told　us。

The　Senora；　in　a　plain　black　serge　gown；　and　black　rebozo　over
her　head；　spent　her　time　in　prayers　and　penances。　　The　care　of
her　household　had　always　been　delegated　to　her　steward；　and　to
Rachela；　while　the　duties　that　more　especially　belonged　to
her；　had　been　fulfilled　by　her　husband　and　by　Antonia。　　In
many　respects　she　was　but　a　grown…up　baby。　　And　so；　in　this
great　extremity；　the　only　duty　which　pressed　upon　her　was
the　idea　of　supplicating　the　saints　to　take　charge　of　her
unhappy　affairs。

And　Fray　Ignatius　was　daily　more　hard　with　her。　　Antonia　even
suspected　from　his　growing　intolerance　and　bitterness；　that
the　Americans　were　gaining　unexpected　advantages。　　But　she
knew　nothing　of　what　was　happening。　　She　could　hear　from　afar
off　the　marching　and　movements　of　soldiers；　the　blare　of
military　music；　the　faint　echoes　of　hurrahing　multitudes；　but
there　was　no　one　to　give　her　any　certain　information。　　Still；
she　guessed　something　from　the　anger　of　the　priest　and　the
reticence　of　the　Mexican　servants。　　If　good　fortune　had　been
with　Santa　Anna；　she　was　sure　she　would　have　heard　of　〃The
glorious！　　The　invincible！　　The　magnificent　Presidente　de　la
Republica　Mexicana！　　The　Napoleon　of　the　West！〃

It　was　not　permitted　her　to　go　into　the　city。　　A　proposal　to
do　so　had　been　met　with　a　storm　of　angry　amazement。　　And　steam
and　electricity　had　not　then　annihilated　distance　and
abolished　suspense。　　She　could　but　wonder　and　hope；　and　try　to
read　the　truth　from　a　covert　inspection　of　the　face　and
words　of　Fray　Ignatius。

Between　this　monk　and　herself　the　breach　was　hourly　widening。　
With　angry　pain　she　saw　her　mother　tortured　between　the　fact
that　she　loved　her　husband；　and　the　horrible　doubt　that　to
love　him　was　a　mortal　sin。　　She　understood　the　underlying
motive　which　prompted　the　priest　to　urge　upon　the　Senora　the
removal　of　herself　and　her　daughters　to　the　convent。　　His
offer　to　take　charge　of　the　Worth　residencia　and　estate　was　in
her　conviction　a　proposal　to　rob　them　of　all　rights　in　it。　
She　felt　certain　that　whatever　the　Church　once　grasped　in　its
iron　hand；　it　would　ever　retain。　　And　both　to　Isabel　and
herself　the　thought　of　a　convent　was　now　horrible。　　〃They　will
force　me　to　be　a　nun；〃　said　Isabel；　〃and　then；　what　will　Luis
do？　　And　they　will　never　tell　me　anything　about　my　father　and
my　brothers。　　I　should　never　hear　of　them。　　I　should　never　see
them　any　more；　unless　the　good　God　was　so　kind　as　to　let　me
meet　them　in　his　heaven。〃

And　Antonia　had　still　darker　and　more　fearful　thoughts。　　She
had　not　forgotten　the　stories　whispered　to　her　childhood；　of
dreadful　fates　reserved　for　contumacious　and　disobedient
women。　　Whenever　Fray　Ignatius　looked　at　her　she　felt　as　if
she　were　within　the　shadow　of　the　Inquisition。

Never　had　days　passed　so　wearily　and　anxiously。　　Never　had
nights　been　so　terrible。　　The　sisters　did　not　dare　to　talk
much　together；　they　doubted　Rachela；　they　were　sure　their
words　were　listened　to　and　repeated。　　They　were　not　permitted
to　be　alone　with　the　Senora。　　Fray　Ignatius　had　particularly
warned　Rachela　to　prevent　this。　　He　was　gradually　bringing　the
unhappy　woman　into　what　he　called　〃a　heavenly　mind〃the
influence　of　her　daughters；　he　was　sure；　would　be　that　of
worldly　affections　and　sinful　liberty。　　And　Rachela　obeyed　the
confessor　so　faithfully；　that　the　Senora　was　almost　in　a　state
of　solitary　confinement。　　Every　day　her　will　was　growing
weaker；　her　pathetic　obedience　more　childlike　and　absolute。

But　at　midnight；　when　every　one　was　asleep；　Antonia　stepped
softly　into　her　sister's　room　and　talked　to　her。　　They　sat　in
Isabel's　bed　clasping　each　other's　hand　in　the　dark；　and
speaking　in　whispers。　　Then　Antonia　warned　and
strengthened　Isabel。　　She　told　her　all　her　fears。　　She
persuaded　her　to　control　her　wilfulness；　to　be　obedient；　and
to　assume　the　childlike　thoughtlessness　which　best　satisfied
Fray　Ignatius。　　〃He　told　you　to…day　to　be　happy；　that　he　would
think　for　you。　　My　darling；　let　him　believe　that　is　the　thing
you　want；〃　said　Antonia。　　〃I　assure　you　we　shall　be　the　safer
for　it。〃

〃He　said　to　me　yesterday；　when　I　asked　him　about　the　war；　‘Do
not　inquire；　child；　into　things　you　do　not　understand。　　That
is　to　be　irreligious；'　and　then　he　made　the　cross　on　his
breast；　as　if　I　had　put　a　bad　thought　into　his　heart。　　We　are
afraid　all　day；　and　we　sit　whispering　all　night　about　our
fears；　that　is　the　state　we　are　in。　　The　Lord　sends　us　nothing
but　misfortunes；　Antonia。〃

〃My　darling；　tell　the　Lord　your　sorrow；　then；　but　do　not
repine　to　Rachela　or　Fray　Ignatius。　　That　is　to　complain　to
the　merciless　of　the　All…Merciful。〃

〃Do　you　think　I　am　wicked；　Antonia？　　What　excuse　could　I　offer
to　His　Divine　Majesty；　if　I　spoke　evil　to　him　of　Rachela　and
Fray　Ignatius？〃

〃Neither　of　them　are　our　friends；　do　you　think　so？〃

〃Fray　Ignatius　looks　like　a　goblin；　he　gives　me　a　shiver　when
he　looks　at　me；　and　as　for　RachelaI　already　hate　her！〃

〃Do　not　trust　her。　　You　need　not　hate　her；　Isabel。〃

〃Antonia；　I　know　that　I　shall　eternally　hate　her；　for　I　am
sure　that　our　angels　are　at　variance。〃

In　conversations　like　these　the　anxious　girls　passed　the　long；
and　often　very　cold；　nights。　　The　days　were　still　worse；　for
as　November　went　slowly　away　the　circumstances　which
surrounded　their　lives　appeared　to　constantly　gather　a　more
decided　and　a　bitterer　tone。　　December；　that　had　always　been
such　a　month　of　happiness；　bright　with　Christmas　expectations
and　Christmas　joys；　came　in　with　a　terribly　severe；　wet
norther。　　The　great　log　fires　only　warmed　the　atmosphere
immediately　surrounding　them；　and　Isabel　and　Antonia　sat
gloomily　within　it　all　day。　　It　seemed　to　Antonia　as　if　her
heart　had　come　to　the　very　end　of　hope；　and　that　something
must　happen。

The　rain　lashed　the　earth；　the　wind　roared　around　the　house；
and　filled　it　with　unusual　noises。　　The　cold　was　a　torture
that　few　found　themselves　able　to　endure。　　But　it　brought　a
compensation。　　Fray　Ignatius　did　not　leave　the　Mission
comforts；　and　Rachela　could　not　bear　to　go　prowling　about　the
corridors　and　passages。　　She　established　herself　in　the
Senora's　room；　and　remained　there。　　And　very　early　in　the
evening　she　said　〃she　had　an　outrageous　headache；〃　and　went　to
her　room。

Then　Antonia　and　Isabel　sat　awhile　by　their　mother's　bed。　
They　talked　in　whispers　of　their　father　and　brothers；　and　when
the　Senora　cried；　they　kissed　her　sobs　into　silence　and　wiped
her　tears　away。　　In　that　hour；　if　Fray　Ignatius　had　known　it；
they　undid；　in　a　great　measure；　the　work　to　which　he　had　given
more　than　a　month　of　patient　and　deeply…reflective　labor。　　For
with　the　girls；　there　was　the　wondrous　charm　of　love　and
nature；　but　with　the　priest；　only　a　splendid　ideal　of　a　Church
universal　that　was　to　swallow　up　all　the　claims　of　love　and
all　the　ties　of　nature。

It　was　nearly　nine　o'clock　when　Antonia　and　Isabel　returned　to
the　parlor　fire。　　Their　hearts　were　full　of　sorrow　for
their　mother；　and　of　fears　for　their　own　future。　　For　this
confidence　had　shown　them　how　firmly　the　refuge　of　the　convent
had　been　planted　in　the　anxious　ideas　of　the　Senora。　
Fortunately；　the　cold　had　driven　the　servants　either　to　the
kitchen　fire　or　to　their　beds；　and　they　could　talk　over　the
subject　without　fear　of　interference。

〃Are　you　sleepy；　queridita？〃（little　dear）。

〃I　think　I　shall　never　go　to　sleep　again；　Antonia。　　If　I　shut
my　eyes　I　shall　find　myself　in　the　convent；　and　I　do　not　want
to　go　there　even　in　a　dream。　　Do　you　know　Mother　Teresa？　　Well
then；　I　could　tell　you　things。　　And　she　does　not　like　me；　I　am
sure　of　that；　quite　sure。〃

〃My　darling；　I　am　going　to　make　us　a　cup　of　tea。　　It　will　do
us　good。〃

〃If　indeed　it　were　chocolate！〃

〃I　cannot　make　chocolate　now；　but　you　shall　have　a　great　deal
of　sugar　in　your　cup；　and　something　good　to　eat　also。　　There；
my　darling；　put　your　chair　close　to　the　fire；　and　we　will　sit
here　until　we　are　quite　sleepy。〃

With　the　words　she　went　into　the