the sleeping-car - a farce-第5章

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laugh　at　us　when　we　get　to　Boston。　　Of　COURSE　it's　Willis。



MR。　ROBERTS　（doubtfully）。　　Do　you　think　so；　my　dear？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　I　KNOW　it。　　Didn't　you　notice　how　he　looked　at　your

card？　　And　I　want　you　to　go　at　once　and　speak　to　him；　and　turn　the

tables　on　him。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　II'd　rather　NOT；　my　dear。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Why；　Edward；　what　can　you　mean？



MR。　ROBERTS。　　He's　very　violent。　　Suppose　it　SHOULDN'T　be　Willis？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Nonsense！　　It　IS　Willis。　　Come；　let's　both　go　and　just

tax　him　with　it。　　He　can't　deny　it；　after　all　he's　done　for　me。　　＇She

pulls　her　reluctant　husband　toward　THE　CALIFORNIAN'S　berth；　and　they

each　draw　a　curtain。＇　　Willis！



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（with　plaintive　endurance）。　　Well；　ma'am？



MRS。　ROBERTS　（triumphantly）。　　There！　　I　knew　it　was　you　all　along。

How　could　you　play　such　a　joke　on　me？



THE　CALIFORNIAN。　　I　didn't　know　there'd　been　any　joke；　but　I　suppose

there　must　have　been；　if　you　say　so。　　Who　am　I　now；　ma'amyour

husband；　or　your　baby；　or　your　husband's　wife；　or　…



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　How　funny　you　are！　　You　KNOW　you're　Willis　Campbell；

my　only　brother。　　Now　DON'T　try　to　keep　it　up　any　longer；　Willis。



＇Voices　from　various　berths。　　〃Give　us　a　rest；　Willis！〃　　〃Joke's　too

thin；　Willis！〃　　〃You're　played　out；　Willis！〃　　〃Own　up；　old　fellow

own　up！〃



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（issuing　from　his　berth；　and　walking　up　and　down　the

aisle；　as　before；　till　quiet　is　restored）。　　I　haven't　got　any　sister；

and　my　name　ain't　Willis；　and　it　ain't　Campbell。　　I'm　very　sorry；

because　I'd　like　to　oblige　you　any　way　I　could。



MRS。　ROBERTS　（in　deep　mortification）。　　It's　I　who　ought　to　apologize；

and　I　do　most　humbly。　　I　don't　know　what　to　say；　but　when　I　got　to

thinking　about　it；　and　how　kind　you　had　been　to　me；　and　how　sweet　you

had　been　under　all　myinterruptions；　I　felt　perfectly　sure　that　you

couldn't　be　a　mere　stranger；　and　then　the　idea　struck　me　that　you

must　be　my　brother　in　disguise；　and　I　was　so　certain　of　it　that　I

couldn't　help　just　letting　you　know　that　we'd　found　you　out；　and　…



MR。　ROBERTS　（offering　a　belated　and　feeble　moral　support）。　　Yes。



MRS。　ROBERTS　（promptly　turning　upon　him）。　　And　YOU　ought　to　have　kept

me　from　making　such　a　simpleton　of　myself；　Edward。



THE　CALIFORNIAN　（soothingly）。　　Well；　ma'am；　that　ain't　always　so

easy。　　A　man　may　mean　well；　and　yet　not　be　able　to　carry　out　his

intentions。　　But　it's　all　right。　　And　I　reckon　we'd　better　try　to

quiet　down　again；　and　get　what　rest　we　can。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Why；　yes；　certainly；　and　I　will　tryoh；　I　will　TRY

not　to　disturb　you　again。　　And　if　there's　anything　we　can　do　in

reparation　after　we　reach　Boston；　we　shall　be　so　glad　to　do　it！



＇They　bow　themselves　away；　and　return　to　their　seat；　while　THE

CALIFORNIAN　re…enters　his　berth。＇





III。





The　train　stops　at　Framingham；　and　THE　PORTER　comes　in　with　a

passenger　whom　he　shows　to　the　seat　opposite　MR。　and　MRS。　ROBERTS。



THE　PORTER。　　You　can　sit　here；　sah。　　We'll　be　in　in　about　an　hour

now。　　Hang　up　your　bag　for　you；　sah？



THE　PASSENGER。　　No；　leave　it　on　the　seat　here。



＇THE　PORTER　goes　out；　and　the　ROBERTSES　maintain　a　dejected　silence。

The　bottom　of　the　bag；　thrown　carelessly　on　the　seat；　is　toward　the

ROBERTSES；　who　regard　it　listlessly。＇



MRS。　ROBERTS　（suddenly　clutching　her　husband's　arm；　and　hissing　in

his　ear）。　　See！　　＇She　points　to　the　white　lettering　on　the　bag；　where

the　name　〃Willis　Campbell；　San　Francisco；〃　is　distinctly　legible。＇

But　it　can't　be；　it　must　be　some　other　Campbell。　　I　can't　risk　it。



MR。　ROBERTS。　　But　there's　the　name。　　It　would　be　very　strange　if

there　were　two　people　from　San　Francisco　of　exactly　the　same　name。

_I_　will　speak。



MRS。　ROBERTS　（as　wildly　as　one　can　in　whisper）。　　No；　no；　I　can't　let

you。　　We've　made　ourselves　the　laughing…stock　of　the　whole　car

already　with　our　mistakes；　and　I　can't　go　on。　　I　would　rather　perish

than　ask　him。　　You　don't　suppose　it　COULD　be？　　No；　it　couldn't。

There　may　be　twenty　Willis　Campbells　in　San　Francisco；　and　there

probably　are。　　Do　you　think　he　looks　like　me！　　He　has　a　straight

nose；　but　you　can't　tell　anything　about　the　lower　part　of　his　face；

the　beard　covers　it　so；　and　I　can't　make　out　the　color　of　his　eyes　by

this　light。　　But　of　course　it's　all　nonsense。　　Still　if　it　SHOULD　be！

It　would　be　very　stupid　of　us　to　ride　all　the　way　from　Framingham　to

Boston　with　that　name　staring　one　in　the　eyes。　　I　wish　he　would　turn

it　away。　　If　it　really　turned　out　to　BE　Willis；　he　would　think　we

were　awfully　stiff　and　cold。　　But　I　can't　help　it；　I　CAN'T　go

attacking　every　stranger　I　see；　and　accusing　him　of　being　my　brother。

No；　no；　I　can't；　and　I　WON'T；　and　that's　all　about　it。　　＇She　leans

forward　and　addresses　the　stranger　with　sudden　sweetness。＇　　Excuse

me；　sir；　but　I　AM　very　much　interested　by　the　name　on　your　bag。　　Not

that　I　think　you　are　even　acquainted　with　him；　and　there　are　probably

a　great　many　of　them　there；　but　your　coming　from　the　same　city　and

all　DOES　seem　a　little　queer；　and　I　hope　you　won't　think　me　intrusive

in　speaking　to　you；　because　if　you　SHOULD　happen；　by　the　thousandth

of　a　chance；　to　be　the　right　one；　I　should　be　SO　happy！



CAMPBELL。　　The　right　what；　madam？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　The　right　Willis　Campbell。



CAMPBELL。　　I　hope　I'm　not　the　wrong　one；　though　after　a　week's　pull

on　the　railroad　it's　pretty　hard　for　a　man　to　tell　which　Willis

Campbell　he　is。　　May　I　ask　if　your　Willis　Campbell　had　friends　in

Boston？



MRS。　ROBERTS　（eagerly）。　　He　had　a　sister　and　a　brother…in…law　and　a

nephew。



CAMPBELL。　　Name　of　Roberts？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Every　one。



CAMPBELL。　　Then　you're　…



MRS。　ROBERTS　（ecstatically）。　　Agnes！



CAMPBELL。　　And　he's　…



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Mr。　Roberts！



CAMPBELL。　　And　the　baby's　…



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Asleep！



CAMPBELL。　　Then　_I_　am　the　right　one。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　Willis！　　Willis！　　Willis！　　To　think　of　our　meeting

in　this　way！　　＇She　kisses　and　embraces　him；　while　MR。　ROBERTS　shakes

one　of　his　hands　which　he　finds　disengaged。＇　　HOW　in　the　world　did　it

happen？



CAMPBELL。　　Ah；　I　found　myself　a　little　ahead　of　time；　and　I　stopped

off　with　an　old　friend　of　mine　at　Framingham；　I　didn't　want　to

disappoint　you　when　you　came　to　meet　this　train；　or　get　you　up　last

night　at　midnight。



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　And　I　was　in　Albany；　and　I've　been　moving　heaven　and

earth　to　get　home　before　you　arrived；　and　Edward　came　aboard　at

Worcester　to　surprise　me；　andOh；　you've　never　seen　the　baby！　　I'll

run　right　and　get　him　this　instant；　just　as　he　is；　and　bring　him。

Edward；　you　be　explaining　to　WillisOh；　my　goodness！　　＇Looking

wildly　about。＇　　I　don't　remember　the　berth；　and　I　shall　be　sure　to

wake　up　that　poor　California　gentleman　again。　　WHAT　shall　I　do？



CAMPBELL。　　What　California　gentleman？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Oh；　somebody　we've　been　stirring　up　the　whole　blessed

night。　　First　I　took　him　for　baby；　and　then　Edward　took　him　for　me；

and　then　I　took　him　for　baby　again；　and　then　we　both　took　him　for

you。



CAMPBELL。　　Did　he　look　like　any　of　us？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Like　US？　　He's　eight　feet　tall；　if　he's　an　inch；　in

his　stockingsand　he's　always　in　themand　he　has　a　long　black　beard

and　mustaches；　and　he's　very　lanky；　and　stoops　over　a　good　deal；　but

he's　just　as　lovely　as　he　can　be　and　live；　and　he's　been　as　kind　and

patient　as　twenty　Jobs。



CAMPBELL。　　Speaks　in　a　sort　of　soft；　slow　grind？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Yes。



CAMPBELL。　　Gentle　and　deferential　to　ladies？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　As　pie。



CAMPBELL。　　It's　Tom　Goodall。　　I'll　have　him　out　of　there　in　half　a

second。　　I　want　you　to　take　him　home　with　you；　Agnes。　　He's　the　best

fellow　in　the　world。　　WHICH　is　his　berth？



MRS。　ROBERTS。　　Don't　ask　me；　Willis。　　But　if　you'd　go　for　baby；

you'll　be　sure　to　find　him。



MR。　ROBERTS　（timidly　indicating　a　berth）。　　I　think　that's　the　one。



CAMPBELL　（plunging　at　it