the moon and sixpence(月球和六便士)-第44章
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by a drunken cabdriver。 I was perfectly bewildered。 The colour seemed
to me extraordinarily crude。 It passed through my mind that the whole
thing was a stupendous； incomprehensible farce。 Now that I look back I
am more than ever impressed by Stroeve's acuteness。 He saw from the first
that here was a revolution in art； and he recognised in its beginnings the
genius which now all the world allows。
But if I was puzzled and disconcerted； I was not unimpressed。 Even I；
in my colossal ignorance； could not but feel that here； trying to express
itself； was real power。 I was excited and interested。 I felt that these
pictures had something to say to me that was very important for me to
know； but I could not tell what it was。 They seemed to me ugly； but they
suggested without disclosing a secret of momentous significance。 They
were strangely tantalising。 They gave me an emotion that I could not
analyse。 They said something that words were powerless to utter。 I
fancy that Strickland saw vaguely some spiritual meaning in material
things that was so strange that he could only suggest it with halting
symbols。 It was as though he found in the chaos of the universe a new
pattern； and were attempting clumsily； with anguish of soul； to set it down。
I saw a tormented spirit striving for the release of expression。
I turned to him。
〃I wonder if you haven't mistaken your medium；〃 I said。
〃What the hell do you mean？〃
〃I think you're trying to say something； I don't quite know what it is；
but I'm not sure that the best way of saying it is by means of painting。〃
When I imagined that on seeing his pictures I should get a clue to the
understanding of his strange character I was mistaken。 They merely
increased the astonishment with which he filled me。 I was more at sea
than ever。 The only thing that seemed clear to me and perhaps even
this was fanciful was that he was passionately striving for liberation
from some power that held him。 But what the power was and what line
the liberation would take remained obscure。 Each one of us is alone in
the world。 He is shut in a tower of brass； and can communicate with his
fellows only by signs； and the signs have no common value； so that their
sense is vague and uncertain。 We seek pitifully to convey to others the
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treasures of our heart； but they have not the power to accept them； and so
we go lonely； side by side but not together； unable to know our fellows
and unknown by them。 We are like people living in a country whose
language they know so little that； with all manner of beautiful and
profound things to say； they are condemned to the banalities of the
conversation manual。 Their brain is seething with ideas； and they can only
tell you that the umbrella of the gardener's aunt is in the house。
The final impression I received was of a prodigious effort to express
some state of the soul； and in this effort； I fancied； must be sought the
explanation of what so utterly perplexed me。 It was evident that colours
and forms had a significance for Strickland that was peculiar to himself。
He was under an intolerable necessity to convey something that he felt；
and he created them with that intention alone。 He did not hesitate to
simplify or to distort if he could get nearer to that unknown thing he
sought。 Facts were nothing to him； for beneath the mass of irrelevant
incidents he looked for something significant to himself。 It was as
though he had become aware of the soul of the universe and were
compelled to express it。
Though these pictures confused and puzzled me； I could not be
unmoved by the emotion that was patent in them； and； I knew not why； I
felt in myself a feeling that with regard to Strickland was the last I had
ever expected to experience。 I felt an overwhelming compassion。
〃I think I know now why you surrendered to your feeling for Blanche
Stroeve；〃 I said to him。
〃Why？〃
〃I think your courage failed。 The weakness of your body
communicated itself to your soul。 I do not know what infinite yearning
possesses you； so that you are driven to a perilous； lonely search for some
goal where you expect to find a final release from the spirit that torments
you。 I see you as the eternal pilgrim to some shrine that perhaps does not
exist。 I do not know to what inscrutable Nirvana you aim。 Do you know
yourself？ Perhaps it is Truth and Freedom that you seek； and for a
moment you thought that you might find release in Love。 I think your tired
soul sought rest in a woman's arms； and when you found no rest there you
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hated her。 You had no pity for her； because you have no pity for yourself。
And you killed her out of fear； because you trembled still at the danger
you had barely escaped。〃
He smiled dryly and pulled his beard。
〃You are a dreadful sentimentalist； my poor friend。〃
A week later I heard by chance that Strickland had gone to Marseilles。
I never saw him again。
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Chapter XLIII
Looking back； I realise that what I have written about Charles
Strickland must seem very unsatisfactory。 I have given incidents that
came to my knowledge； but they remain obscure because I do not know
the reasons that led to them。 The strangest； Strickland's determination to
become a painter； seems to be arbitrary； and though it must have had
causes in the circumstances of his life； I am ignorant of them。 From his
own conversation I was able to glean nothing。 If I were writing a novel；
rather than narrating such facts as I know of a curious personality； I should
have invented much to account for this change of heart。 I think I should
have shown a strong vocation in boyhood； crushed by the will of his father
or sacrificed to the necessity of earning a living； I should have pictured
him impatient of the restraints of life； and in the struggle between his
passion for art and the duties of his station I could have aroused sympathy
for him。 I should so have made him a more imposing figure。 Perhaps it
would have been possible to see in him a new Prometheus。 There was
here； maybe； the opportunity for a modern version of the hero who for the
good of mankind exposes himself to the agonies of the damned。 It is
always a moving subject。
On the other hand； I might have found his motives in the influence of
the married relation。 There are a dozen ways in which this might be
