wessex tales-第56章

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great　profit　to　you；　I　suppose？'

'A　share　will　be　mine；　a　share　my　cousin　Owlett's；　a　share　to　each
of　the　two　farmers；　and　a　share　divided　amongst　the　men　who　helped
us。'

'And　you　still　think；'　he　went　on　slowly；　'that　you　will　not　give
this　business　up？'

Lizzy　rose；　and　put　her　hand　upon　his　shoulder。　　'Don't　ask　that；'
she　whispered。　　'You　don't　know　what　you　are　asking。　　I　must　tell
you；　though　I　meant　not　to　do　it。　　What　I　make　by　that　trade　is　all
I　have　to　keep　my　mother　and　myself　with。'

He　was　astonished。　　'I　did　not　dream　of　such　a　thing；'　he　said。　　'I
would　rather　have　swept　the　streets；　had　I　been　you。　　What　is　money
compared　with　a　clear　conscience？'

'My　conscience　is　clear。　　I　know　my　mother；　but　the　king　I　have
never　seen。　　His　dues　are　nothing　to　me。　　But　it　is　a　great　deal　to
me　that　my　mother　and　I　should　live。'

'Marry　me；　and　promise　to　give　it　up。　　I　will　keep　your　mother。'

'It　is　good　of　you；'　she　said；　trembling　a　little。　　'Let　me　think　of
it　by　myself。　　I　would　rather　not　answer　now。'

She　reserved　her　answer　till　the　next　day；　and　came　into　his　room
with　a　solemn　face。　　'I　cannot　do　what　you　wished！'　she　said
passionately。　　'It　is　too　much　to　ask。　　My　whole　life　ha'　been
passed　in　this　way。'　　Her　words　and　manner　showed　that　before
entering　she　had　been　struggling　with　herself　in　private；　and　that
the　contention　had　been　strong。

Stockdale　turned　pale；　but　he　spoke　quietly。　　'Then；　Lizzy；　we　must
part。　　I　cannot　go　against　my　principles　in　this　matter；　and　I
cannot　make　my　profession　a　mockery。　　You　know　how　I　love　you；　and
what　I　would　do　for　you；　but　this　one　thing　I　cannot　do。'

'But　why　should　you　belong　to　that　profession？'　she　burst　out。　　'I
have　got　this　large　house；　why　can't　you　marry　me；　and　live　here
with　us；　and　not　be　a　Methodist　preacher　any　more？　　I　assure　you；
Richard；　it　is　no　harm；　and　I　wish　you　could　only　see　it　as　I　do！
We　only　carry　it　on　in　winter：　　in　summer　it　is　never　done　at　all。
It　stirs　up　one's　dull　life　at　this　time　o'　the　year；　and　gives
excitement；　which　I　have　got　so　used　to　now　that　I　should　hardly
know　how　to　do　'ithout　it。　　At　nights；　when　the　wind　blows；　instead
of　being　dull　and　stupid；　and　not　noticing　whether　it　do　blow　or
not；　your　mind　is　afield；　even　if　you　are　not　afield　yourself；　and
you　are　wondering　how　the　chaps　are　getting　on；　and　you　walk　up　and
down　the　room；　and　look　out　o'　window；　and　then　you　go　out　yourself；
and　know　your　way　about　as　well　by　night　as　by　day；　and　have
hairbreadth　escapes　from　old　Latimer　and　his　fellows；　who　are　too
stupid　ever　to　really　frighten　us；　and　only　make　us　a　bit　nimble。'

'He　frightened　you　a　little　last　night；　anyhow：　　and　I　would　advise
you　to　drop　it　before　it　is　worse。'

She　shook　her　head。　　'No；　I　must　go　on　as　I　have　begun。　　I　was　born
to　it。　　It　is　in　my　blood；　and　I　can't　be　cured。　　O；　Richard；　you
cannot　think　what　a　hard　thing　you　have　asked；　and　how　sharp　you　try
me　when　you　put　me　between　this　and　my　love　for　'ee！'

Stockdale　was　leaning　with　his　elbow　on　the　mantelpiece；　his　hands
over　his　eyes。　　'We　ought　never　to　have　met；　Lizzy；'　he　said。　　'It
was　an　ill　day　for　us！　　I　little　thought　there　was　anything　so
hopeless　and　impossible　in　our　engagement　as　this。　　Well；　it　is　too
late　now　to　regret　consequences　in　this　way。　　I　have　had　the
happiness　of　seeing　you　and　knowing　you　at　least。'

'You　dissent　from　Church；　and　I　dissent　from　State；'　she　said。　　'And
I　don't　see　why　we　are　not　well　matched。'

He　smiled　sadly；　while　Lizzy　remained　looking　down；　her　eyes
beginning　to　overflow。

That　was　an　unhappy　evening　for　both　of　them；　and　the　days　that
followed　were　unhappy　days。　　Both　she　and　he　went　mechanically　about
their　employments；　and　his　depression　was　marked　in　the　village　by
more　than　one　of　his　denomination　with　whom　he　came　in　contact。　　But
Lizzy；　who　passed　her　days　indoors；　was　unsuspected　of　being　the
cause：　　for　it　was　generally　understood　that　a　quiet　engagement　to
marry　existed　between　her　and　her　cousin　Owlett；　and　had　existed　for
some　time。

Thus　uncertainly　the　week　passed　on；　till　one　morning　Stockdale　said
to　her：　　'I　have　had　a　letter；　Lizzy。　　I　must　call　you　that　till　I
am　gone。'

'Gone？'　said　she　blankly。

'Yes；'　he　said。　　'I　am　going　from　this　place。　　I　felt　it　would　be
better　for　us　both　that　I　should　not　stay　after　what　has　happened。
In　fact；　I　couldn't　stay　here；　and　look　on　you　from　day　to　day；
without　becoming　weak　and　faltering　in　my　course。　　I　have　just　heard
of　an　arrangement　by　which　the　other　minister　can　arrive　here　in
about　a　week；　and　let　me　go　elsewhere。'

That　he　had　all　this　time　continued　so　firmly　fixed　in　his
resolution　came　upon　her　as　a　grievous　surprise。　　'You　never　loved
me！'　she　said　bitterly。

'I　might　say　the　same；'　he　returned；　'but　I　will　not。　　Grant　me　one
favour。　　Come　and　hear　my　last　sermon　on　the　day　before　I　go。'

Lizzy；　who　was　a　church…goer　on　Sunday　mornings；　frequently　attended
Stockdale's　chapel　in　the　evening　with　the　rest　of　the　double…
minded；　and　she　promised。

It　became　known　that　Stockdale　was　going　to　leave；　and　a　good　many
people　outside　his　own　sect　were　sorry　to　hear　it。　　The　intervening
days　flew　rapidly　away；　and　on　the　evening　of　the　Sunday　which
preceded　the　morning　of　his　departure　Lizzy　sat　in　the　chapel　to
hear　him　for　the　last　time。　　The　little　building　was　full　to
overflowing；　and　he　took　up　the　subject　which　all　had　expected；　that
of　the　contraband　trade　so　extensively　practised　among　them。　　His
hearers；　in　laying　his　words　to　their　own　hearts；　did　not　perceive
that　they　were　most　particularly　directed　against　Lizzy；　till　the
sermon　waxed　warm；　and　Stockdale　nearly　broke　down　with　emotion。　　In
truth　his　own　earnestness；　and　her　sad　eyes　looking　up　at　him；　were
too　much　for　the　young　man's　equanimity。　　He　hardly　knew　how　he
ended。　　He　saw　Lizzy；　as　through　a　mist；　turn　and　go　away　with　the
rest　of　the　congregation；　and　shortly　afterwards　followed　her　home。

She　invited　him　to　supper；　and　they　sat　down　alone；　her　mother
having；　as　was　usual　with　her　on　Sunday　nights；　gone　to　bed　early。

'We　will　part　friends；　won't　we？'　said　Lizzy；　with　forced　gaiety；
and　never　alluding　to　the　sermon：　　a　reticence　which　rather
disappointed　him。

'We　will；'　he　said；　with　a　forced　smile　on　his　part；　and　they　sat
down。

It　was　the　first　meal　that　they　had　ever　shared　together　in　their
lives；　and　probably　the　last　that　they　would　so　share。　　When　it　was
over；　and　the　indifferent　conversation　could　no　longer　be　continued；
he　arose　and　took　her　hand。　　'Lizzy；'　he　said；　'do　you　say　we　must
partdo　you？'

'You　do；'　she　said　solemnly。　　'I　can　say　no　more。'

'Nor　I；'　said　he。　　'If　that　is　your　answer；　good…bye！'

Stockdale　bent　over　her　and　kissed　her；　and　she　involuntarily
returned　his　kiss。　　'I　shall　go　early；'　he　said　hurriedly。　　'I　shall
not　see　you　again。'

And　he　did　leave　early。　　He　fancied；　when　stepping　forth　into　the
grey　morning　light；　to　mount　the　van　which　was　to　carry　him　away；
that　he　saw　a　face　between　the　parted　curtains　of　Lizzy's　window；
but　the　light　was　faint；　and　the　panes　glistened　with　wet；　so　he
could　not　be　sure。　　Stockdale　mounted　the　vehicle；　and　was　gone；　and
on　the　following　Sunday　the　new　minister　preached　in　the　chapel　of
the　Moynton　Wesleyans。


One　day；　two　years　after　the　parting；　Stockdale；　now　settled　in　a
midland　town；　came　into　Nether…Moynton　by　carrier　in　the　original
way。　　Jogging　along　in　the　van　that　afternoon　he　had　put　questions
to　the　driver；　and　the　answers　that　he　received　interested　the
minister　deeply。　　The　result　of　them　was　that　he　went　without　the
least　hesitation　to　the　door　of　his　former　lodging。　　It　was　about
six　o'clock　in　the　evening；　and　the　same　time　of　year　as　when　he　had
left；　now；　too；　the　ground　was　damp　and　glistening；　the　west　was
bright；　and　Lizzy's　snowdrops　were　raising　their　heads　in　the　border
under　the　wall。

Lizzy　must　have　caught　sight　of　him　from　the　window；　for　by　the　time
that　he　reached　the　door　she　was　there　holding　it　open：　　and　then；
as　if　she　had　not　sufficiently　considered　her　act　of　coming　out；　she
drew　herself　bac