hemingway, ernest - islands in the stream-第68章
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¨I am ill；〃 she said。 ¨Iˇve decided。 Let the troops entertain themselves for once。〃
¨Youˇll go。〃
¨No。 Iˇm going to entertain you。 Have you been entertained properly lately？〃
¨No。〃
¨Me either； or is it neither？〃
¨I donˇt know；〃 he said and held her close and looked in her eyes and then away。 He opened the door to the big bedroom。 ¨Itˇs neither；〃 he said reflectively。
The windows were open and the wind was in the room。 But it was pleasant now with the sun。
¨It is like the Normandie。 Did you make it like the Normandie for me？〃
¨Of course； darling；〃 he lied。 ¨What did you think？〃
¨Youˇre a worse liar than I am。〃
¨Iˇm not even faster。〃
¨Letˇs not lie。 Letˇs pretend you made it for me。〃
¨I made it for you；〃 he said。 ¨Only it looked like someone else。〃
¨Is that as hard as you can hold anyone？〃
¨Without breaking them。〃 Then he said； ¨Without lying down。〃
¨Who is against lying down？〃
¨Not me；〃 he said and picked her up and carried her to the bed。
¨Let me drop the jalousie。 I donˇt mind your entertaining the troops。 But we have a radio that entertains the kitchen。 They donˇt need us。〃
¨Now；〃 she said。
¨Yes。〃
¨Now remember everything I ever taught you。〃
¨Arenˇt I？〃
¨Now and then。〃
¨Then；〃 he said。 ¨Where did we know him？〃
¨We met him。 Donˇt you remember？〃
¨Look； letˇs not remember anything and letˇs not talk and letˇs not talk and letˇs not talk。〃
Afterwards she said； ¨People used to get hungry even on the Normandie。〃
¨Iˇll ring for the steward。〃
¨But this steward doesnˇt know us。〃
¨He will。〃
¨No。 Letˇs go out and see the house。 What have you painted？〃
¨What all nothing。〃
¨Donˇt you have time？〃
¨What do you think？〃
¨But couldnˇt you when youˇre ashore？〃
¨What do you mean ashore？〃
¨Tom；〃 she said。 They were in the living room now in the big old chairs and she had taken her shoes off to feel the matting on the floor。 She sat curled in the chair and she had brushed her hair to please him； and because of what she knew it did to him； and she sat so it swung like a heavy silken load when her head moved。
¨Damn you；〃 he said。 ¨Darling；〃 he added。
¨You damned me enough；〃 she said。
¨Letˇs not talk about it。〃
¨Why did you marry her； Tom？〃
¨Because you were in love。〃
¨It wasnˇt a very good reason。〃
¨Nobody ever said it was。 Especially not me。 But I donˇt have to make my errors and repent of them and then discuss them； do I？〃
¨If I want you to。〃
The big black and white cat had come in and he rubbed against her leg。
¨Heˇs got us mixed up；〃 Thomas Hudson said。 ¨Or maybe heˇs getting good sense。〃
¨It couldnˇt be？〃
¨Sure。 Of course。 Boy；〃 he called。
The cat came over to him and jumped into his lap。 It did not matter which one it was。
¨We might as well both love her； Boy。 Take a good look at her。 Youˇll never see any more womens like that。〃
¨Is he the one you sleep with？〃
¨Yes。 Is there any reason why I shouldnˇt？〃
¨None。 I like him better than the man I sleep with now and heˇs just about as sad。〃
¨Do we have to talk about him？〃
¨No。 And you donˇt have to pretend you havenˇt been at sea when your eyes are burned and there are white slit marks in the corners of them and your hair is as sun…streaked as though you used something on it〃
¨And I walk with a rolling gait and carry a parrot on my shoulder and hit people with my wooden leg。 Look； darling； I go to sea occasionally because I am a painter of marine life for the Museum of Natural History。 Not even war must interfere with our studies。〃
¨They are sacred；〃 she said。 ¨Iˇll remember that lie and stick with it。 Tom； you truly donˇt care for her at all？〃
¨Not at all。〃
¨You still love me？〃
¨Didnˇt I give any signs of it？〃
¨It could have been a role。 The one of the always faithful lover no matter what whores I find you with。 Thee hasnˇt been faithful to me； Cynara； in thy fashion。〃
¨I always told you that you were too literate for your own good。 I was through with that poem when I was nineteen。〃
¨Yes； and I always told you that if you would paint and work at it as you should； instead of making fantasies and falling in love with other people〃
¨Marrying them； you mean。〃
¨No。 Marrying them is bad enough。 But you fall in love with them and then I donˇt respect you。〃
¨Thatˇs that old lovely one I remember。 ˉAnd then I donˇt respect you。ˇ Iˇll buy that one at any price you put on it and take it out of circulation。〃
¨I respect you。 And you donˇt love her； do you？〃
¨I love you and respect you and I donˇt love her。〃
¨Thatˇs wonderful。 Iˇm so glad Iˇm so ill and that I missed the plane。〃
¨I really do respect you； you know； and I respect every damned fool thing you do or did。〃
¨And you treat me wonderfully and keep all your promises。〃
¨What was the last one？〃
¨I donˇt know。 If it was a promise you broke it。〃
¨Would you want to skip it； beauty？〃
¨Iˇd like to have skipped it。〃
¨Maybe we could。 We skipped most things。〃
¨No。 Thatˇs untrue。 Thereˇs visible evidence on that。 But you think making love to a woman is enough。 You never think about her wanting to be proud of you。 Nor about small tendernesses。〃
¨Nor about being a baby like the men you love and care for。〃
¨Couldnˇt you be more needing and make me necessary and not be so damned give it and take it and take it away Iˇm not hungry。〃
¨What did we come out here for？ Moral lectures？〃
¨We came out here because I love you and I want you to be worthy of yourself。〃
¨And of you and God and all other abstractions。 Iˇm not even an abstract painter。 Youˇd have asked Toulouse…Lautrec to keep away from brothels and Gauguin not to get the syphilis and Baudelaire to get home early。 Iˇm not as good as they were but the hell with you。〃
¨I never was like that。〃
¨Sure you were。 Along with your work。 Your goddam hours of work。〃
¨I would have given it up。〃
¨Sure； I know you would。 And sung in night clubs and I could be the bouncer。 Do you remember when we planned that？〃
¨What have you heard from Tom？〃
¨Heˇs fine；〃 the man said and felt the strange prickling go over his skin。
¨He hasnˇt written me in three weeks。 Youˇd think heˇd write his mother。 He always was so good about writing。〃
¨You know how it is with kids in a war。 Or maybe theyˇre holding up all mail。 Sometimes they do。〃
¨Do you remember when he couldnˇt speak any English？〃
¨And he had his gang at Gstaad？ And up in the Engadine and at Zug？〃
¨Do you have any new pictures of him？〃
¨Only that one you have。〃
¨Could we have a drink？ What do you drink here？〃
¨Anything you want。 Iˇll go and find the boy。 The wine is in the cellar。〃
¨Please donˇt be gone long。〃
¨Thatˇs a funny thing to say to each other。〃
¨Please donˇt be gone long；〃 she repeated。 ¨Did you hear it？ And I never asked you to get in early。 That wasnˇt the trouble and you know it。〃
¨I know it；〃 he said。 ¨And I wonˇt be gone long。〃
¨Maybe the boy could make something to eat； too。〃
¨Maybe he could；〃 Thomas Hudson said。 Then to the cat； ¨You stay with her； Boise。〃
Now； he thought。 Why did I say that？ Why did I lie？ Why did I do that breaking it gently thing？ Did I want to keep my grief for myself； as Willie said？ Am I that sort of guy？
Well； you did it； he thought。 How did you tell a mother that her boy is dead when youˇve just made love to her again？ How do you tell yourself your boy is dead？ You used to know all the answers。 Answer me that。
There arenˇt any answers。 You should know that by now。 There arenˇt any answers at all。
¨Tom；〃 her voice called。 ¨Iˇm lonely and the cat isnˇt you； even though he thinks he is。〃
¨Put him on the floor。 The boyˇs gone to the village and Iˇm getting ice。〃
¨I donˇt care about the drink。〃
¨Neither do I；〃 he said and came back into the room walking on the tiled floor until he felt the matting。 He looked at her and she was stil
