hemingway, ernest - islands in the stream-第43章
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¨Youˇll make it all right；〃 Eddy said。
¨Sure。 When didnˇt I ever make it？〃
¨You can stay in Paris a while and then go to the Cuba house and young Tom can keep you company。 You can paint good over there and it will be like a change。〃
¨Sure；〃 said Thomas Hudson。
¨You can travel and thatˇll be good。 Go on those big boats like I always wanted to go on。 Travel on all of them。 Let them take you anywhere they go。〃
¨Sure。〃
¨Shit；〃 said Eddy。 ¨What the fuck they kill that Davy for？〃
¨Letˇs leave it alone； Eddy；〃 Thomas Hudson said。 ¨Itˇs way past things we know about。〃
¨Fuck everything；〃 Eddy said and pushed his hat back on his head。
¨Weˇll play it out the way we can；〃 Thomas Hudson told him。 But now he knew he did not have much interest in the game。
XV
ON THE EASTWARD CROSSING on the Ile de France Thomas Hudson learned that hell was not necessarily as it was described by Dante or any other of the great hell…describers； but could be a comfortable； pleasant； and well…loved ship taking you toward a country that you had always sailed for with anticipation。 It had many circles and they were not fixed as in those of the great Florentine egotist。 He had gone aboard the ship early； thinking of it； he now knew； as a refuge from the city where he had feared meeting people who would speak to him about what had happened。 He thought that on the ship he could come to some terms with his sorrow； not knowing； yet； that there are no terms to be made with sorrow。 It can be cured by death and it can be blunted or anesthetized by various things。 Time is supposed to cure it； too。 But if it is cured by anything less than death； the chances are that it was not true sorrow。
One of the things that blunts it temporarily through blunting everything else is drinking and another thing that can keep the mind away from it is work。 Thomas Hudson knew about both these remedies。 But he also knew the drinking would destroy the capacity for producing satisfying work and he had built his life on work for so long now that he kept that as the one thing that he must not lose。
But since he knew he could not work now for some time he planned to drink and read and exercise until he was tired enough to sleep。 He had slept on the plane。 But he had not slept in New York。
Now he was in his stateroom； which had a sitting room connected with it； and the porters had left his bags and the big package of magazines and newspapers he had bought。 He had thought they would be the easiest thing to start with。 He gave his ticket to the room steward and asked him for a bottle of Perrier water and some ice。 When they came； he took out a fifth of good Scotch from one of his bags and opened it and made himself a drink。 Then he cut the string around the big bundle of magazines and papers and spread them on the table。 The magazines looked fresh and virginal compared with the way they looked when they arrived at the island。 He took up The New Yorker。 At the island he had always saved it for the evenings and it had been a long time since he had seen a New Yorker of the week of publication or one that had not been folded。 He sat in the deep comfortable chair and drank his drink and learned that you cannot read The New Yorker when people that you love have just died。 He tried Time and he could read it all right； including ¨Milestones；〃 where the two boys were dead complete with their ages； their motherˇs age； not quite accurate； her marital status； and the statement that she had divorced him in 1933。
Newsweek had the same facts。 But reading the short item Thomas Hudson had the odd sensation that the man who wrote it was sorry that the boys were dead。
He made himself another drink and thought how much better the Perrier was than anything else you could put in whisky and then he read both Time and Newsweek through。 What the hell do you suppose she was doing at Biarritz？ he thought。 At least she could have gone to St。 Jean…de…Luz。
From that he knew that the whisky was doing some good。
Give them up now； he told himself。 Just remember how they were and write them off。 You have to do it sooner or later。 Do it now。
Read some more； he said。 Just then the ship started to move。 It was moving very slowly and he did not look out of the window of the sitting room。 He sat in the comfortable chair and read through the pile of papers and magazines and drank the Scotch and Perrier。
You havenˇt any problem at all； he told himself。 Youˇve given them up and theyˇre gone。 You should not have loved them so damn much in the first place。 You shouldnˇt have loved them and you shouldnˇt have loved their mother。 Listen to the whisky talking； he said to himself。 What a solvent of our problems。 The solvent alchemist that in a trice our leaden gold into shit transmutes。 That doesnˇt even scan。 Our leaden gold to shit transmutes is better。
I wonder where Roger is with that girl； he thought。 The bank will know where Tommy is。 I know where I am。 Iˇm in here with a bottle of Old Parr。 Tomorrow Iˇll sweat this all out in the gym。 Iˇll use the heat box。 Iˇll ride on one of those bicycles that goes nowhere and on a mechanical horse。 Thatˇs what I need。 A good ride on a mechanical horse。 Then Iˇll get a good rubdown。 Then Iˇll meet somebody in the bar and Iˇll talk about other things。 Itˇs only six days。 Six days is easy。
He went to sleep that night and when he woke in the night he heard the movement of the ship through the sea and at first； smelling the sea； he thought that he was at home in the house on the island and that he had wakened from a bad dream。 Then he knew it was not a bad dream and he smelled the heavy grease on the edges of the open window。 He switched the light on and drank some of the Perrier water。 He was very thirsty。
There was a tray with some sandwiches and fruit on the table where the steward had left them the night before and there was still ice in the bucket that held the Perrier。
He knew he should eat something and he looked at the clock on the wall。 It was three…twenty in the morning。 The sea air was cool and he ate a sandwich and two apples and then took some ice out of the bucket and made himself a drink。 The Old Parr was about gone but he had another bottle and now； in the cool of the early morning； he sat in the comfortable chair and drank and read The New Yorker。 He found that he could read it now and he found that he enjoyed drinking in the night。
For years he had kept an absolute rule about not drinking in the night and never drinking before he had done his work except on non…working days。 But now； as he woke in the night； he felt the simple happiness of breaking training。 It was the first return of any purely animal happiness or capacity for happiness that he had experienced since the cable had come。
The New Yorker was very good； he thought。 And itˇs evidently a magazine you can read on the fourth day after something happens。 Not on the first or the second or the third。 But on the fourth。 That was useful to know。 After The New Yorker he read The Ring and then he read everything that was readable in The Atlantic Monthly and some that was not。 Then he made his third drink and read Harperˇs。 You see； he said to himself； thereˇs nothing to it。
Part II
CUBA
AFTER THEY WERE ALL GONE he lay on the fiber matting on the floor and listened to the wind。 It was blowing a gale from the northwest and he spread blankets on the floor； piled pillows to brace against the stuffed chairback he placed against the leg of the living…room table； and wearing a long； peaked cap to shade his eyes； read his mail in the good light from the big reading lamp that stood on the table。 His cat lay on his chest and he pulled a light blanket over them both and opened and read the letters and drank from a glass of whisky and water that he replaced on the floor between sips。 His hand found the glass when he wanted it。
The cat was purring； but he could not hear him because he had a silent purr； and he would hold a letter in one hand and touch the catˇs throat with the finger of his other hand。
¨You have a throat mike； Boise；〃 he said。 ¨Do you love me？〃
The cat kneaded his chest softly with the claws just ca
