hemingway, ernest - islands in the stream-第23章
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a pari…mutuel machine； a good figure； and that lovely vicious face； and she only stayed with Roger long enough to get ready for her first good step upwards in life。
She was the first girl that had ever left him and that impressed Roger so that he had two more that looked almost enough like her to be members of the same family。 He left both of them； though； really left them； and Thomas Hudson thought that made him feel better； though not a hell of a lot better。
There are probably politer ways and more endearing ways of leaving a girl than simply； with no unpleasantness and never having been in any row； excusing yourself to go to the menˇs room at 21 and never coming back。 But； as Roger said； he did settle the check downstairs and he loved to think of his last glimpse of her； sitting alone at the corner table in that d？cor that suited her so and that she loved so well。
He planned to leave the other one at the Stork； which was the place she really loved； but he was afraid Mr。 Billingsley might not like it and he needed to borrow some money from Mr。 Billingsley。
¨So where did you leave her？〃 Thomas Hudson had asked him。
¨At El Morocco。 So I could always remember her sitting there among those zebras。 She loved El Morocco too；〃 he said。 ¨But I think it was the Cub Room that was graven on her heart。〃
After that he got mixed up with one of the most deceptive women Thomas Hudson had ever known。 She was a complete change from his last three Cenci or Park Avenue Borgia types in looks。 She looked really healthy and had tawny hair and long； good legs； a very good figure； and an intelligent； lively face。 Though it was not beautiful it was much better…looking than most faces。 And she had beautiful eyes。 She was intelligent and very kindly and charming when you first knew her and she was a complete rummy。 She was not a lush and her alcoholism had not showed yet。 But she was just at it all of the time。 Usually you can tell someone who is really drinking by their eyes and it always showed in Rogerˇs immediately。 But this girl； Kathleen； had really beautiful tawny eyes that went with her hair and the little pleasant freckles of health and good nature around her nose and her cheeks； and you never saw anything in them of what was going on。 She looked like a girl who was sailing regularly or living some sort of very healthy outdoor life and she looked like a girl who was very happy。 Instead she was just a girl who was drinking。 She was on a very strange voyage to somewhere and for a while she took Roger with her。
But he came up to the studio Thomas Hudson had rented in New York one morning with the back of his left hand covered with cigarette burns。 It looked as though someone had been putting butts out by rubbing them against a tabletop； only the tabletop was the back of his hand。
¨Thatˇs what she wanted to do last night；〃 he said。 ¨Have you got any iodine？ I didnˇt like to take those things into a drugstore。〃
¨Whoˇs she？〃
¨Kathleen。 The fresh outdoor type。〃
¨You had to participate。〃
¨It seemed to amuse her and weˇre supposed to amuse them。〃
¨Youˇre burned pretty badly。〃
¨Not really。 But Iˇm going to get out of this town for a while。〃
¨Youˇll be taking yourself along wherever you go。〃
¨Yes。 But I wonˇt be taking a lot of other people I know with me。〃
¨Where are you going to go？〃
¨Out West for a while。〃
¨Geography isnˇt any cure for whatˇs the matter with you。〃
¨No。 But a healthy life and plenty of work wonˇt hurt。 Not drinking may not cure me。 But drinking sure as hell isnˇt helping any now。〃
¨Well； get the hell out then。 Do you want to go to the ranch？〃
¨Do you still own it？〃
¨Part of it。〃
¨Is it all right if I go out there？〃
¨Sure；〃 Thomas Hudson had told him。 ¨But itˇs rugged from now on until spring and spring isnˇt easy。〃
¨I want it to be rugged；〃 Roger had said。 ¨Iˇm going to start new again。〃
¨How many times is it now youˇve started new？〃
¨Too many；〃 Roger had said。 ¨And you donˇt have to rub it in。〃
So now he was going to start new again and how would it turn out this time？ How could he think that wasting his talent and writing to order and following a formula that made money could fit him to write well and truly？ Everything that a painter did or that a writer wrote was a part of his training and preparation for what he was to do。 Roger had thrown away and abused and spent his talent。 But perhaps he had enough animal strength and detached intelligence so that he could make another start。 Any writer of talent should be able to write one good novel if he were honest； Thomas Hudson thought。 But all the time that he should be training for it Roger had been misusing his talent and how could you know if his talent still was there？ To say nothing of his m？tier； he thought。 How can anyone think that you can neglect and despise； or have contempt for craftsmanship； however feigned the contempt may be； and then expect it to be at the service of your hands and of your brain when the time comes when you must have it。 There is no substitute for it； Thomas Hudson thought。 There is no substitute for talent either and you donˇt have to keep them in a chalice。 The one is inside you。 It is in your heart and in your head and in every part of you。 So is the other； he thought。 It is not just a set of tools that you have learned to work with。
It is luckier to be a painter； he thought； because you have more things to work with。 We have the advantage of working with our hands and the m？tier we have mastered is an actual tangible thing。 But Roger must start now to use what he has blunted and perverted and cheapened and all of it is in his head。 But au fond he has something fine and sound and beautiful。 That is a word I would need to be very careful of if I were a writer； he thought。 But he has the thing that is the way he is and if he could write the way he fought on the dock it could be cruel but it would be very good。 Then if he could think as soundly as he thought after that fight he would be very good。
The moonlight did not shine on the head of Thomas Hudsonˇs bed anymore and gradually he stopped thinking about Roger。 Thinking about him doesnˇt do any good。 Either he can do it or he canˇt。 But it would be wonderful if he could do it。 I wish that I could help him。 Maybe I can； he thought； and then he was asleep。
IX
WHEN THE SUN WOKE THOMAS HUDSON he went down to the beach and swam and then had breakfast before the rest of them were up。 Eddy said he did not think they would have much of a breeze and it might even be a calm。 He said the gear was all in good shape on the boat and he had a boy out after bait。
Thomas Hudson asked him if he had tested the lines since the boat had not been out for big fish in quite a while and Eddy said he had tested them and taken off all the line that was rotten。 He said they were going to have to get some more thirty…six thread line and plenty more twenty…four thread and Thomas Hudson promised to send for it。 In the meantime Eddy had spliced enough good line on to replace the discarded line and both the big reels had all they would hold。 He had cleaned and sharpened all of the big hooks and checked all the leaders and swivels。
¨When did you do all this？〃
¨I sat up last night splicing；〃 he said。 ¨Then I worked on that new cast net。 Couldnˇt sleep with the goddam moon。〃
¨Does a full moon bother you for sleeping too？〃
¨Gives me hell；〃 Eddy said。
¨Eddy do you think itˇs really bad for you to sleep with it shining on you？〃
¨Thatˇs what the old heads say。 I donˇt know。 Always makes me feel bad； anyway。〃
¨Do you think weˇll do anything today？〃
¨Never know。 Thereˇs some awfully big fish out there this time of year。 Are you going clean up to the Isaacs？〃
¨The boys want to go up there。〃
¨We ought to get going right after breakfast。 Iˇm not figuring to cook lunch。 Iˇve got conch salad and potato salad and beer and Iˇll make up sandwiches。 Weˇve got a ham that came over on the last run…boat and Iˇve got some lettuce and we can use mustard and that chutney。 Mustard doesnˇt hurt kids； does it？〃
¨I donˇt think so。
