hemingway, ernest - islands in the stream-第22章
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everyone else miserable。 He had never found happiness dull。 It always seemed more exciting than any other thing and capable of as great intensity as sorrow to those people who were capable of having it。 This may not be true but he had believed it to be true for a long time and this summer they had experienced happiness for a month now and； already； in the nights； he was lonely for it before it had ever gone away。
He knew almost what there is to know about living alone and he had known what it is to live with someone that you loved and that loved you。 He had always loved his children but he had never before realized how much he loved them and how bad it was that he did not live with them。 He wished that he had them always and that he was married to Tomˇs mother。 Then he thought that was as silly as wishing you had the wealth of the world to use as intelligently as you could； to be able to draw like Leonardo or paint as well as Pieter Brueghel； to have an absolute veto power against all wickedness and be able to detect it infallibly and always justly when it starts and stop it with something as simple as pressing a button and while doing all this to be always healthy and to live forever and not decay in mind nor body。 That was what he thought tonight would be some good things to have。 But you could not have them any more than you could have the children； nor that who you loved could be alive if who you loved was dead or gone out from your life。 Out of all the things you could not have there were some that you could have and one of those was to know when you were happy and to enjoy all of it while it was there and it was good。 There were many things that made it for him when he had it。 But just now； in this month； four people made it something that was as good； in some ways； as what the one person had once been able to make and so far there had been no sorrow。 There had been no sorrow at all。
He did not even mind being awake now and remembered how it had been once when he had not been able to sleep and had lain in the night thinking about how he had lost the three boys and the fool he had been。 He had thought how he had done things because he could not help them； or thought he could not help them； and had moved from one disastrous error of judgment to another that was worse。 Now he accepted that as past and he was through with remorse。 He had been a fool and he did not like fools。 But that was over now and the boys were here and they loved him and he loved them。 He would let it go at that for now。
They would go away at the end of their stay and he would have the loneliness again。 But it would be only a stage on the way until they came back。 If Roger would stay and work and keep hum company it would be much easier。 But he never knew about Roger nor what he would do。 He smiled in the night thinking about Roger。 Then he pitied him until he thought how disloyal it was and how Roger would hate pity and he stopped it and； hearing them all breathing quietly； he went to sleep。
But he woke again when the moonlight came on his face and he started to think about Roger and the women he had been in trouble with。 He and Roger had both behaved stupidly and badly with women。 He did not want to think of his own stupidities so he would think of Rogerˇs。
I wonˇt pity him； he thought； so it is not disloyal。 I have been in enough trouble myself so that it is not disloyal to think about Rogerˇs trouble。 My own is different because I only really loved one woman and then lost her。 I know well enough why。 But I am through with thinking about that and it would probably be well not to think about Roger either。 But tonight； because of the moonlight which； as always； would not let him sleep； he thought about him and his serious and comic troubles。
He thought about the last girl Roger had been in love with in Paris when they had both lived there and how very handsome and how very false he thought she was when Roger had brought her to the studio。 For Roger there was nothing false about her。 She was another of his illusions and all his great talent for being faithful was at her service until they were both free to marry。 Then； in a month； everything that had always been clear about her to everyone who knew her well was suddenly clear to Roger。 It must have been a difficult day when it first happened but the process of seeing her clearly had been going on for some time when Roger had come up to the studio。 He had looked at the canvases for a while and spoken critically and very intelligently about them。 Then he said； ¨I told that Ayers I wouldnˇt marry her。〃
¨Good；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。 ¨Was it a surprise？〃
¨Not too much。 Thereˇd been some talk about it。 Sheˇs a phony。〃
¨No；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。 ¨How？〃
¨Right through。 Any way you slice her。〃
¨I thought you liked her。〃
¨No。 I tried to like her。 But I couldnˇt make it except at the start。 I was in love with her。〃
¨Whatˇs in love？〃
¨You ought to know。〃
¨Yes；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。 ¨I ought to know。〃
¨Didnˇt you like her？〃
¨No。 I couldnˇt stand her。〃
¨She was your girl。 And you didnˇt ask me。〃
¨I told her。 But now I have to make it stick。〃
¨You better pull out。〃
¨No；〃 he said。 ¨Let her pull out。〃
¨I only thought it might be simpler。〃
¨This is my town as much as it is hers。〃
¨I know；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。
¨You fought that one out； too； didnˇt you？〃 Roger had asked。
¨Yes。 You canˇt win on any of them。 But you can fight them out。 Why donˇt you just move your quartier？〃
¨Iˇm all right where I am；〃 Roger had said。
¨I remember the formula。 Je me trouve tr？s bien ici et je vous prie de me laisser tranquille。〃
¨It starts with je refuse de recevoir ma femme；〃 Roger had said。 ¨And you say it to a huissier。 But this isnˇt a divorce。 Itˇs just breaking up。〃
¨But isnˇt it going to be hard on you seeing her？〃
¨No。 Itˇs going to cure me。 That and hearing her talk。〃
¨What about her？〃
¨She can figure that out for herself。 Sheˇs figured plenty out in the last four years。〃
¨Five；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。
¨I donˇt think she was doing so much figuring the first year。〃
¨Youˇd better clear out；〃 Thomas Hudson had said。 ¨If you donˇt think she was figuring the first year youˇd better go a long way away。〃
¨She writes very powerful letters。 Going away would be worse。 No。 Iˇm going to stay here and go on the town。 Iˇm going to cure it for keeps。〃
After he and this girl split up in Paris； Roger was on the town； really on the town。 He joked about it and made fun of himself； but he was very angry inside for having made such a profound fool of himself and he took his talent for being faithful to people； which was the best one he had； next to the ones for painting and writing and his various good human and animal traits； and beat and belabored that talent miserably。 He was no good to anyone when he was on the town； especially to himself； and he knew it and hated it and he took pleasure in pulling down the pillars of the temple。 It was a very good and strongly built temple and when it is constructed inside yourself it is not so easy to pull down。 But he did as good a job as he could。
He had three girls in a row； no one of whom Thomas Hudson could be more than civil to and the only excuse for the last two might have been that they reminded him of the first one。 This first one came right after the one he had just broken up with and she was sort of a world low for Roger although she went on to have a very successful career both in and out of bed and got herself a good piece of one of the third or fourth biggest fortunes in America and then married into another。 She was named Thanis and Thomas Hudson remembered how Roger could never hear it without wincing and he wouldnˇt say it； no one ever heard him say the name。 He used to call her Bitchy the Great。 She was dark with a lovely skin and she looked like a very young； well…groomed； fastidiously vicious member of the Cenci family。 She had the morals of a vacuum cleaner and the soul of a pari…mutuel machine； a good figure； and that lovely vicious face； and she only stayed with Roger l
