the way of all flesh-第52章

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had　died　through　her　desire　to　do　him　a　kindness。　　There　were　the
two　well…known　bow　windows；　out　of　which　he　had　often　stepped　to　run
across　the　lawn　into　the　workshop。　　He　reproached　himself　with　the
little　gratitude　he　had　shown　towards　this　kind　ladythe　only　one
of　his　relations　whom　he　had　ever　felt　as　though　he　could　have　taken
into　his　confidence。　　Dearly　as　he　loved　her　memory；　he　was　glad　she
had　not　known　the　scrapes　he　had　got　into　since　she　died；　perhaps
she　might　not　have　forgiven　themand　how　awful　that　would　have
been！　　But　then；　if　she　had　lived；　perhaps　many　of　his　ills　would
have　been　spared　him。　　As　he　mused　thus　he　grew　sad　again。　　Where；
where；　he　asked　himself；　was　it　all　to　end？　　Was　it　to　be　always
sin；　shame　and　sorrow　in　the　future；　as　it　had　been　in　the　past；　and
the　ever…watchful　eye　and　protecting　hand　of　his　father　laying
burdens　on　him　greater　than　he　could　bearor　was　he；　too；　some　day
or　another　to　come　to　feel　that　he　was　fairly　well　and　happy？

There　was　a　gray　mist　across　the　sun；　so　that　the　eye　could　bear　its
light；　and　Ernest；　while　musing　as　above；　was　looking　right　into　the
middle　of　the　sun　himself；　as　into　the　face　of　one　whom　he　knew　and
was　fond　of。　　At　first　his　face　was　grave；　but　kindly；　as　of　a　tired
man　who　feels　that　a　long　task　is　over；　but　in　a　few　seconds　the
more　humorous　side　of　his　misfortunes　presented　itself　to　him；　and
he　smiled　half　reproachfully；　half　merrily；　as　thinking　how　little
all　that　had　happened　to　him　really　mattered；　and　how　small　were　his
hardships　as　compared　with　those　of　most　people。　　Still　looking　into
the　eye　of　the　sun　and　smiling　dreamily；　he　thought　how　he　had
helped　to　burn　his　father　in　effigy；　and　his　look　grew　merrier；　till
at　last　he　broke　out　into　a　laugh。　　Exactly　at　this　moment　the　light
veil　of　cloud　parted　from　the　sun；　and　he　was　brought　to　terra　firma
by　the　breaking　forth　of　the　sunshine。　　On　this　he　became　aware　that
he　was　being　watched　attentively　by　a　fellow…traveller　opposite　to
him；　an　elderly　gentleman　with　a　large　head　and　iron…grey　hair。

〃My　young　friend；〃　said　he；　good…naturedly；　〃you　really　must　not
carry　on　conversations　with　people　in　the　sun；　while　you　are　in　a
public　railway　carriage。〃

The　old　gentleman　said　not　another　word；　but　unfolded　his　Times　and
began　to　read　it。　　As　for　Ernest；　he　blushed　crimson。　　The　pair　did
not　speak　during　the　rest　of　the　time　they　were　in　the　carriage；　but
they　eyed　each　other　from　time　to　time；　so　that　the　face　of　each　was
impressed　on　the　recollection　of　the　other。



CHAPTER　XLV



Some　people　say　that　their　school　days　were　the　happiest　of　their
lives。　　They　may　be　right；　but　I　always　look　with　suspicion　upon
those　whom　I　hear　saying　this。　　It　is　hard　enough　to　know　whether
one　is　happy　or　unhappy　now；　and　still　harder　to　compare　the
relative　happiness　or　unhappiness　of　different　times　of　one's　life；
the　utmost　that　can　be　said　is　that　we　are　fairly　happy　so　long　as
we　are　not　distinctly　aware　of　being　miserable。　　As　I　was　talking
with　Ernest　one　day　not　so　long　since　about　this；　he　said　he　was　so
happy　now　that　he　was　sure　he　had　never　been　happier；　and　did　not
wish　to　be　so；　but　that　Cambridge　was　the　first　place　where　he　had
ever　been　consciously　and　continuously　happy。

How　can　any　boy　fail　to　feel　an　ecstasy　of　pleasure　on　first　finding
himself　in　rooms　which　he　knows　for　the　next　few　years　are　to　be　his
castle？　　Here　he　will　not　be　compelled　to　turn　out　of　the　most
comfortable　place　as　soon　as　he　has　ensconced　himself　in　it　because
papa　or　mamma　happens　to　come　into　the　room；　and　he　should　give　it
up　to　them。　　The　most　cosy　chair　here　is　for　himself；　there　is　no
one　even　to　share　the　room　with　him；　or　to　interfere　with　his　doing
as　he　likes　in　itsmoking　included。　　Why；　if　such　a　room　looked　out
both　back　and　front　on　to　a　blank　dead　wall　it　would　still　be　a
paradise；　how　much　more　then　when　the　view　is　of　some　quiet　grassy
court　or　cloister　or　garden；　as　from　the　windows　of　the　greater
number　of　rooms　at　Oxford　and　Cambridge。

Theobald；　as　an　old　fellow　and　tutor　of　Emmanuelat　which　college
he　had　entered　Ernestwas　able　to　obtain　from　the　present　tutor　a
certain　preference　in　the　choice　of　rooms；　Ernest's；　therefore；　were
very　pleasant　ones；　looking　out　upon　the　grassy　court　that　is
bounded　by　the　Fellows'　gardens。

Theobald　accompanied　him　to　Cambridge；　and　was　at　his　best　while
doing　so。　　He　liked　the　jaunt；　and　even　he　was　not　without　a　certain
feeling　of　pride　in　having　a　full…blown　son　at　the　University。　　Some
of　the　reflected　rays　of　this　splendour　were　allowed　to　fall　upon
Ernest　himself。　　Theobald　said　he　was　〃willing　to　hope〃this　was
one　of　his　tagsthat　his　son　would　turn　over　a　new　leaf　now　that　he
had　left　school；　and　for　his　own　part　he　was　〃only　too　ready〃this
was　another　tagto　let　bygones　be　bygones。

Ernest；　not　yet　having　his　name　on　the　books；　was　able　to　dine　with
his　father　at　the　Fellows'　table　of　one　of　the　other　colleges　on　the
invitation　of　an　old　friend　of　Theobald's；　he　there　made
acquaintance　with　sundry　of　the　good　things　of　this　life；　the　very
names　of　which　were　new　to　him；　and　felt　as　he　ate　them　that　he　was
now　indeed　receiving　a　liberal　education。　　When　at　length　the　time
came　for　him　to　go　to　Emmanuel；　where　he　was　to　sleep　in　his　new
rooms；　his　father　came　with　him　to　the　gates　and　saw　him　safe　into
college；　a　few　minutes　more　and　he　found　himself　alone　in　a　room　for
which　he　had　a　latch…key。

From　this　time　he　dated　many　days　which；　if　not　quite　unclouded；
were　upon　the　whole　very　happy　ones。　　I　need　not　however　describe
them；　as　the　life　of　a　quiet　steady…going　undergraduate　has　been
told　in　a　score　of　novels　better　than　I　can　tell　it。　　Some　of
Ernest's　schoolfellows　came　up　to　Cambridge　at　the　same　time　as
himself；　and　with　these　he　continued　on　friendly　terms　during　the
whole　of　his　college　career。　　Other　schoolfellows　were　only　a　year
or　two　his　seniors；　these　called　on　him；　and　he　thus　made　a
sufficiently　favourable　entree　into　college　life。　　A
straightforwardness　of　character　that　was　stamped　upon　his　face；　a
love　of　humour；　and　a　temper　which　was　more　easily　appeased　than
ruffled　made　up　for　some　awkwardness　and　want　of　savoir　faire。　　He
soon　became　a　not　unpopular　member　of　the　best　set　of　his　year；　and
though　neither　capable　of　becoming；　nor　aspiring　to　become；　a
leader；　was　admitted　by　the　leaders　as　among　their　nearer　hangers…
on。

Of　ambition　he　had　at　that　time　not　one　particle；　greatness；　or
indeed　superiority　of　any　kind；　seemed　so　far　off　and
incomprehensible　to　him　that　the　idea　of　connecting　it　with　himself
never　crossed　his　mind。　　If　he　could　escape　the　notice　of　all　those
with　whom　he　did　not　feel　himself　en　rapport；　he　conceived　that　he
had　triumphed　sufficiently。　　He　did　not　care　about　taking　a　good
degree；　except　that　it　must　be　good　enough　to　keep　his　father　and
mother　quiet。　　He　did　not　dream　of　being　able　to　get　a　fellowship；
if　he　had；　he　would　have　tried　hard　to　do　so；　for　he　became　so　fond
of　Cambridge　that　he　could　not　bear　the　thought　of　having　to　leave
it；　the　briefness　indeed　of　the　season　during　which　his　present
happiness　was　to　last　was　almost　the　only　thing　that　now　seriously
troubled　him。

Having　less　to　attend　to　in　the　matter　of　growing；　and　having　got
his　head　more　free；　he　took　to　reading　fairly　wellnot　because　he
liked　it；　but　because　he　was　told　he　ought　to　do　so；　and　his　natural
instinct；　like　that　of　all　very　young　men　who　are　good　for　anything；
was　to　do　as　those　in　authority　told　him。　　The　intention　at
Battersby　was　（for　Dr　Skinner　had　said　that　Ernest　could　never　get　a
fellowship）　that　he　should　take　a　sufficiently　good　degree　to　be
able　to　get　a　tutorship　or　mastership　in　some　school　preparatory　to
taking　orders。　　When　he　was　twenty…one　years　old　his　money　was　to
come　into　his　own　hands；　and　the　best　thing　he　could　do　with　it
would　be　to　buy　the　next　presentation　to　a　living；　the　rector　of
which　was　now　old；　and　live　on　his　mastership　or　tutorship　till　the
living　fell　in。　　He　could　buy　a　very　good　living　for　the　sum　which
his　grandfather's　legacy　now　amounted　to