the way of all flesh-第42章

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He　was　angry　and　felt　wronged；　because　he　could　not　get　at　Alethea
to　give　her　a　piece　of　his　mind　any　more　than　he　had　been　able　to
get　at　his　father。　　〃It　is　so　mean　of　people；〃　he　exclaimed　to
himself；　〃to　inflict　an　injury　of　this　sort；　and　then　shirk　facing
those　whom　they　have　injured；　let　us　hope　that；　at　any　rate；　they
and　I　may　meet　in　Heaven。〃　　But　of　this　he　was　doubtful；　for　when
people　had　done　so　great　a　wrong　as　this；　it　was　hardly　to　be
supposed　that　they　would　go　to　Heaven　at　alland　as　for　his　meeting
them　in　another　place；　the　idea　never　so　much　as　entered　his　mind。

One　so　angry　and；　of　late；　so　little　used　to　contradiction　might　be
trusted；　however；　to　avenge　himself　upon　someone；　and　Theobald　had
long　since　developed　the　organ；　by　means　of　which　he　might　vent
spleen　with　least　risk　and　greatest　satisfaction　to　himself。　　This
organ；　it　may　be　guessed；　was　nothing　else　than　Ernest；　to　Ernest
therefore　he　proceeded　to　unburden　himself；　not　personally；　but　by
letter。

〃You　ought　to　know；〃　he　wrote；　〃that　your　Aunt　Alethea　had　given
your　mother　and　me　to　understand　that　it　was　her　wish　to　make　you
her　heirin　the　event；　of　course；　of　your　conducting　yourself　in
such　a　manner　as　to　give　her　confidence　in　you；　as　a　matter　of　fact；
however；　she　has　left　you　nothing；　and　the　whole　of　her　property　has
gone　to　your　godfather；　Mr　Overton。　　Your　mother　and　I　are　willing
to　hope　that　if　she　had　lived　longer　you　would　yet　have　succeeded　in
winning　her　good　opinion；　but　it　is　too　late　to　think　of　this　now。

〃The　carpentering　and　organ…building　must　at　once　be　discontinued。
I　never　believed　in　the　project；　and　have　seen　no　reason　to　alter　my
original　opinion。　　I　am　not　sorry　for　your　own　sake；　that　it　is　to
be　at　an　end；　nor；　I　am　sure；　will　you　regret　it　yourself　in　after
years。

〃A　few　words　more　as　regards　your　own　prospects。　　You　have；　as　I
believe　you　know；　a　small　inheritance；　which　is　yours　legally　under
your　grandfather's　will。　　This　bequest　was　made　inadvertently；　and；
I　believe；　entirely　through　a　misunderstanding　on　the　lawyer's　part。
The　bequest　was　probably　intended　not　to　take　effect　till　after　the
death　of　your　mother　and　myself；　nevertheless；　as　the　will　is
actually　worded；　it　will　now　be　at　your　command　if　you　live　to　be
twenty…one　years　old。　　From　this；　however；　large　deductions　must　be
made。　　There　will　be　legacy　duty；　and　I　do　not　know　whether　I　am　not
entitled　to　deduct　the　expenses　of　your　education　and　maintenance
from　birth　to　your　coming　of　age；　I　shall　not　in　all　likelihood
insist　on　this　right　to　the　full；　if　you　conduct　yourself　properly；
but　a　considerable　sum　should　certainly　be　deducted；　there　will
therefore　remain　very　littlesay　1000　pounds　or　2000　pounds　at　the
outside；　as　what　will　be　actually　yoursbut　the　strictest　account
shall　be　rendered　you　in　due　time。

〃This；　let　me　warn　you　most　seriously；　is　all　that　you　must　expect
from　me　（even　Ernest　saw　that　it　was　not　from　Theobald　at　all）　at
any　rate　till　after　my　death；　which　for　aught　any　of　us　know　may　be
yet　many　years　distant。　　It　is　not　a　large　sum；　but　it　is　sufficient
if　supplemented　by　steadiness　and　earnestness　of　purpose。　　Your
mother　and　I　gave　you　the　name　Ernest；　hoping　that　it　would　remind
you　continually　of〃　but　I　really　cannot　copy　more　of　this
effusion。　　It　was　all　the　same　old　will…shaking　game　and　came
practically　to　this；　that　Ernest　was　no　good；　and　that　if　he　went　on
as　he　was　going　on　now；　he　would　probably　have　to　go　about　the
streets　begging　without　any　shoes　or　stockings　soon　after　he　had
left　school；　or　at　any　rate；　college；　and　that　he；　Theobald；　and
Christina　were　almost　too　good　for　this　world　altogether。

After　he　had　written　this　Theobald　felt　quite　good…natured；　and　sent
to　the　Mrs　Thompson　of　the　moment　even　more　soup　and　wine　than　her
usual　not　illiberal　allowance。

Ernest　was　deeply；　passionately　upset　by　his　father's　letter；　to
think　that　even　his　dear　aunt；　the　one　person　of　his　relations　whom
he　really　loved；　should　have　turned　against　him　and　thought　badly　of
him　after　all。　　This　was　the　unkindest　cut　of　all。　　In　the　hurry　of
her　illness　Miss　Pontifex；　while　thinking　only　of　his　welfare；　had
omitted　to　make　such　small　present　mention　of　him　as　would　have　made
his　father's　innuendoes　stingless；　and　her　illness　being　infectious；
she　had　not　seen　him　after　its　nature　was　known。　　I　myself　did　not
know　of　Theobald's　letter；　nor　think　enough　about　my　godson　to　guess
what　might　easily　be　his　state。　　It　was　not　till　many　years
afterwards　that　I　found　Theobald's　letter　in　the　pocket　of　an　old
portfolio　which　Ernest　had　used　at　school；　and　in　which　other　old
letters　and　school　documents　were　collected　which　I　have　used　in
this　book。　　He　had　forgotten　that　he　had　it；　but　told　me　when　he　saw
it　that　he　remembered　it　as　the　first　thing　that　made　him　begin　to
rise　against　his　father　in　a　rebellion　which　he　recognised　as
righteous；　though　he　dared　not　openly　avow　it。　　Not　the　least
serious　thing　was　that　it　would；　he　feared；　be　his　duty　to　give　up
the　legacy　his　grandfather　had　left　him；　for　if　it　was　his　only
through　a　mistake；　how　could　he　keep　it？

During　the　rest　of　the　half　year　Ernest　was　listless　and　unhappy。
He　was　very　fond　of　some　of　his　schoolfellows；　but　afraid　of　those
whom　he　believed　to　be　better　than　himself；　and　prone　to　idealise
everyone　into　being　his　superior　except　those　who　were　obviously　a
good　deal　beneath　him。　　He　held　himself　much　too　cheap；　and　because
he　was　without　that　physical　strength　and　vigour　which　he　so　much
coveted；　and　also　because　he　knew　he　shirked　his　lessons；　he
believed　that　he　was　without　anything　which　could　deserve　the　name
of　a　good　quality；　he　was　naturally　bad；　and　one　of　those　for　whom
there　was　no　place　for　repentance；　though　he　sought　it　even　with
tears。　　So　he　shrank　out　of　sight　of　those　whom　in　his　boyish　way　he
idolised；　never　for　a　moment　suspecting　that　he　might　have
capacities　to　the　full　as　high　as　theirs　though　of　a　different　kind；
and　fell　in　more　with　those　who　were　reputed　of　the　baser　sort；　with
whom　he　could　at　any　rate　be　upon　equal　terms。　　Before　the　end　of
the　half　year　he　had　dropped　from　the　estate　to　which　he　had　been
raised　during　his　aunt's　stay　at　Roughborough；　and　his　old
dejection；　varied；　however；　with　bursts　of　conceit　rivalling　those
of　his　mother；　resumed　its　sway　over　him。　　〃Pontifex；〃　said　Dr
Skinner；　who　had　fallen　upon　him　in　hall　one　day　like　a　moral
landslip；　before　he　had　time　to　escape；　〃do　you　never　laugh？　　Do　you
always　look　so　preternaturally　grave？〃　　The　doctor　had　not　meant　to
be　unkind；　but　the　boy　turned　crimson；　and　escaped。

There　was　one　place　only　where　he　was　happy；　and　that　was　in　the　old
church　of　St　Michael；　when　his　friend　the　organist　was　practising。
About　this　time　cheap　editions　of　the　great　oratorios　began　to
appear；　and　Ernest　got　them　all　as　soon　as　they　were　published；　he
would　sometimes　sell　a　school…book　to　a　second…hand　dealer；　and　buy
a　number　or　two　of　the　〃Messiah；〃　or　the　〃Creation；〃　or　〃Elijah；〃
with　the　proceeds。　　This　was　simply　cheating　his　papa　and　mamma；　but
Ernest　was　falling　low　againor　thought　he　wasand　he　wanted　the
music　much；　and　the　Sallust；　or　whatever　it　was；　little。　　Sometimes
the　organist　would　go　home；　leaving　his　keys　with　Ernest；　so　that　he
could　play　by　himself　and　lock　up　the　organ　and　the　church　in　time
to　get　back　for　calling　over。　　At　other　times；　while　his　friend　was
playing；　he　would　wander　round　the　church；　looking　at　the　monuments
and　the　old　stained　glass　windows；　enchanted　as　regards　both　ears
and　eyes；　at　once。　　Once　the　old　rector　got　hold　of　him　as　he　was
watching　a　new　window　being　put　in；　which　the　rector　had　bought　in
Germanythe　work；　it　was　supposed；　of　Albert　Durer。　　He　questioned
Ernest；　and　finding　that　he　was　fond　of　music；　he　said　in　his　old
trembling　voice　（for　he　was　over　eighty）；　〃Then　you　should　have
known　Dr　Burney　who　wrote　the　history　of　music。　　I　knew　him
exceedingly　well　when　I　was　a　young　man。〃　　That　made　Ernest's　heart
beat；　for　he　knew　that　Dr　Burney；　when　a　boy　at　school　at　Chester；
used　to　break　bounds　that　he　might　wat