sketches new and old-第68章

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　　　　　was　beging。　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　POL。　PRY。

And　this：

　　　　　There　is　things　which　you　Have　done　which　is　unbeknowens　to　anybody
　　　　　but　me。　　You　better　trot　out　a　few　dots；　to　yours　truly；　or　you'll
　　　　　hear　through　the　papers　from
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　HANDY　ANDY。

This　is　about　the　idea。　　I　could　continue　them　till　the　reader　was
surfeited；　if　desirable。

Shortly　the　principal　Republican　journal　〃convicted〃　me　of　wholesale
bribery；　and　the　leading　Democratic　paper　〃nailed〃　an　aggravated　case　of
blackmailing　to　me。

＇In　this　way　I　acquired　two　additional　names：　〃Twain　the　Filthy
Corruptionist〃　and　〃Twain　the　Loathsome　Embracer。〃＇

By　this　time　there　had　grown　to　be　such　a　clamor　for　an　〃answer〃　to　all
the　dreadful　charges　that　were　laid　to　me　that　the　editors　and　leaders　of
my　party　said　it　would　be　political　ruin　for　me　to　remain　silent　any
longer。　　　As　if　to　make　their　appeal　the　more　imperative；　the　following
appeared　in　one　of　the　papers　the　very　next　day：

　　　　　BEHOLD　THE　MAN！The　independent　candidate　still　maintains　silence。
　　　　　Because　he　dare　not　speak。　　Every　accusation　against　him　has　been
　　　　　amply　proved；　and　they　have　been　indorsed　and　reindorsed　by　his　own
　　　　　eloquent　silence；　till　at　this　day　he　stands　forever　convicted。
　　　　　Look　upon　your　candidate；　Independents！　　Look　upon　the　Infamous
　　　　　Perjurer！　　the　Montana　Thief！　　the　Body…Snatcher！　　Contemplate　your
　　　　　incarnate　Delirium　Tremens！　　your　Filthy　Corruptionist！　　your
　　　　　Loathsome　Embracer！　　Gaze　upon　himponder　him　welland　then　say　if
　　　　　you　can　give　your　honest　votes　to　a　creature　who　has　earned　this
　　　　　dismal　array　of　titles　by　his　hideous　crimes；　and　dares　not　open　his
　　　　　mouth　in　denial　of　any　one　of　them！

There　was　no　possible　way　of　getting　out　of　it；　and　so；　in　deep
humiliation；　I　set　about　preparing　to　〃answer〃　a　mass　of　baseless　charges
and　mean　and　wicked　falsehoods。　　But　I　never　finished　the　task；　for　the
very　next　morning　a　paper　came　out　with　a　new　horror；　a　fresh　malignity；
and　seriously　charged　me　with　burning　a　lunatic　asylum　with　all　its
inmates；　because　it　obstructed　the　view　from　my　house。　　This　threw　me
into　a　sort　of　panic。　　Then　came　the　charge　of　poisoning　my　uncle　to　get
his　property；　with　an　imperative　demand　that　the　grave　should　be　opened。
This　drove　me　to　the　verge　of　distraction。　　On　top　of　this　I　was　accused
of　employing　toothless　and　incompetent　old　relatives　to　prepare　the　food
for　the　foundling'　hospital　when　I　warden。　　I　was　waveringwavering。
And　at　last；　as　a　due　and　fitting　climax　to　the　shameless　persecution
that　party　rancor　had　inflicted　upon　me；　nine　little　toddling　children；
of　all　shades　of　color　and　degrees　of　raggedness；　were　taught　to　rush
onto　the　platform　at　a　public　meeting；　and　clasp　me　around　the　legs　and
call　me　PA！

I　gave　it　up。　　I　hauled　down　my　colors　and　surrendered。　　I　was　not　equal
to　the　requirements　of　a　Gubernatorial　campaign　in　the　state　of　New　York；
and　so　I　sent　in　my　withdrawal　from　the　candidacy；　and　in　bitterness　of
spirit　signed　it；　〃Truly　yours；　once　a　decent　man；　but　now

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　MARK　TWAIN；　LP。；　M。T。；　B。S。；　D。T。；　F。C。；　and　L。E。〃






A　MYSTERIOUS　VISIT


The　first　notice　that　was　taken　of　me　when　I　〃settled　down〃　recently　was
by　a　gentleman　who　said　he　was　an　assessor；　and　connected　with　the　U。　S。
Internal　Revenue　Department。　　I　said　I　had　never　heard　of　his　branch　of
business　before；　but　I　was　very　glad　to　see　him　all　the　same。　　Would　he
sit　down？　　He　sat　down。　　I　did　not　know　anything　particular　to　say；　and
yet　I　felt　that　people　who　have　arrived　at　the　dignity　of　keeping　house
must　be　conversational；　must　be　easy　and　sociable　in　company。　　So；　in
default　of　anything　else　to　say；　I　asked　him　if　he　was　opening　his　shop
in　our　neighborhood。

He　said　he　was。　　＇I　did　not　wish　to　appear　ignorant；　but　I　had　hoped　he
would　mention　what　he　had　for　sale。＇

I　ventured　to　ask　him　〃How　was　trade？〃　　And　he　said　〃So…so。〃

I　then　said　we　would　drop　in；　and　if　we　liked　his　house　as　well　as　any
other；　we　would　give　him　our　custom。

He　said　he　thought　we　would　like　his　establishment　well　enough　to　confine
ourselves　to　itsaid　he　never　saw　anybody　who　would　go　off　and　hunt　up
another　man　in　his　line　after　trading　with　him　once。

That　sounded　pretty　complacent；　but　barring　that　natural　expression　of
villainy　which　we　all　have；　the　man　looked　honest　enough。

I　do　not　know　how　it　came　about　exactly；　but　gradually　we　appeared　to
melt　down　and　run　together；　conversationally　speaking；　and　then
everything　went　along　as　comfortably　as　clockwork。

We　talked；　and　talked；　and　talkedat　least　I　did；　and　we　laughed；　and
laughed；　and　laughedat　least　he　did。　　But　all　the　time　I　had　my
presence　of　mind　about　meI　had　my　native　shrewdness　turned　on　〃full
head；〃　as　the　engineers　say。　　I　was　determined　to　find　out　all　about　his
business　in　spite　of　his　obscure　answersand　I　was　determined　I　would
have　it　out　of　him　without　his　suspecting　what　I　was　at。　　I　meant　to　trap
him　with　a　deep；　deep　ruse。　　I　would　tell　him　all　about　my　own　business；
and　he　would　naturally　so　warm　to　me　during　this　seductive　burst　of
confidence　that　he　would　forget　himself；　and　tell　me　all　about　his
affairs　before　he　suspected　what　I　was　about。　　I　thought　to　myself；　My
son；　you　little　know　what　an　old　fox　you　are　dealing　with。　　I　said：

〃Now　you　never　would　guess　what　I　made　lecturing　this　winter　and　last
spring？〃

〃Nodon't　believe　I　could；　to　save　me。　　Let　me　seelet　me　see。　　　About
two　thousand　dollars；　maybe？　　But　no；　no；　sir；　I　know　you　couldn't　have
made　that　much。　　　Say　seventeen　hundred；　maybe？〃

〃Ha！　ha！　　I　knew　you　couldn't。　　My　lecturing　receipts　for　last　spring　and
this　winter　were　fourteen　thousand　seven　hundred　and　fifty　dollars。　　What
do　you　think　of　that？〃

〃Why；　it　is　amazing…perfectly　amazing。　　I　will　make　a　note　of　it。　　And
you　say　even　this　wasn't　all？〃

〃All！　　Why　bless　you；　there　was　my　income　from　the　Daily　Warwhoop　for
four　monthsaboutaboutwell；　what　should　you　say　to　about　eight
thousand　dollars；　for　instance？〃

〃Say！　　Why；　I　should　say　I　should　like　to　see　myself　rolling　in　just　such
another　ocean　of　affluence。　　Eight　thousand！　　I'll　make　a　note　of　it。
Why　man！　and　on　top　of　all　this　am　I　to　understand　that　you　had　still
more　income？〃

〃Ha！　ha！　ha！　　Why；　you're　only　in　the　suburbs　of　it；　so　to　speak。
There's　my　book；　The　Innocents　Abroad　price　3。50　to　5；　according　to　the
binding。　　Listen　to　me。　　Look　me　in　the　eye。　　During　the　last　four　months
and　a　half；　saying　nothing　of　sales　before　that；　but　just　simply　during
the　four　months　and　a　half；　we've　sold　ninety…five　thousand　copies　of
that　book。　　Ninety…five　thousand！　　Think　of　it。　　Average　four　dollars　a
copy；　say。　　It's　nearly　four　hundred　thousand　dollars；　my　son。　　I　get
half。〃

〃The　suffering　Moses！　　I'll　set　that　down。　　Fourteen…seven…fiftyeight…
two　hundred。　　Total；　saywell；　upon　my　word；　the　grand　total　is　about
two　hundred　and　thirteen　or　fourteen　thousand　dollars！　　Is　that
possible？〃

〃Possible！　　If　there's　any　mistake　it's　the　other　way。　　Two　hundred　and
fourteen　thousand；　cash；　is　my　income　for　this　year　if　I　know　how　to
cipher。〃

Then　the　gentleman　got　up　to　go。　　It　came　over　me　most　uncomfortably　that
maybe　I　had　made　my　revelations　for　nothing；　besides　being　flattered　into
stretching　them　considerably　by　the　stranger's　astonished　exclamations。
But　no；　at　the　last　moment　the　gentleman　handed　me　a　large　envelope；　and
said　it　contained　his　advertisement；　and　that　I　would　find　out　all　about
his　business　in　it；　and　that　he　would　be　happy　to　have　my　custom…would；
in　fact；　be　proud　to　have　the　custom　of　a　man　of　such　prodigious　income；
and　that　he　used　to　think　there　were　several　wealthy　men　in　the　city；　but
when　they　came　to　trade　with　him　he　discovered　that　they　barely　had
enough　to　live　on；　and　that；　in　truth；　it　had　been　such　a　weary；　weary
age　since　he　had　seen　a　rich　man　face　to　face；　and　talked　to　him；　and
touched　him　with　his　hands；　that　he　could　hardly　refrain　from　embracing
mein　fact；　would　esteem　it　a　great　favor　if　I　would　let　him　embrace　me。