sketches new and old-第67章
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WE CARRY BULLETIN…BOARDS
and a paint…brush along for use in the constellations； and are open to
terms。 Cremationists are reminded that we are going straight tosome
hot placesand are open to terms。 To other parties our enterprise is a
pleasure excursion； but individually we mean business。 We shall fly our
comet for all it is worth。
FOR FURTHER PARTICULARS；
or for freight or passage； apply on board； or to my partner； but not to
me； since I do not take charge of the comet until she is under way。
It is necessary； at a time like this； that my mind should not be burdened
with small business details。
MARK TWAIN。
RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR ＇Written about 1870。＇
A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great state of New
York； to run against Mr。 John T。 Smith and Mr。 Blank J。 Blank on an
independent ticket。 I somehow felt that I had one prominent advantage
over these gentlemen； and that wasgood character。 It was easy to see
by the newspapers that if ever they had known what it was to bear a good
name； that time had gone by。 It was plain that in these latter years
they had become familiar with all manner of shameful crimes。 But at the
very moment that I was exalting my advantage and joying in it in secret；
there was a muddy undercurrent of discomfort 〃riling〃 the deeps of my
happiness； and that wasthe having to hear my name bandied about in
familiar connection with those of such people。 I grew more and more
disturbed。 Finally I wrote my grandmother about it。 Her answer came
quick and sharp。 She said：
You have never done one single thing in all your life to be ashamed
ofnot one。 Look at the newspaperslook at them and comprehend
what sort of characters Messrs。 Smith and Blank are； and then see
if you are willing to lower yourself to their level and enter a
public canvass with them。
It was my very thought！ I did not sleep a single moment that night。
But； after all； I could not recede。
I was fully committed； and must go on with the fight。 As I was looking
listlessly over the papers at breakfast I came across this paragraph；
and I may truly say I never was so confounded before。
PERJURY。Perhaps； now that Mr。 Mark Twain is before the people as a
candidate for Governor； he will condescend to explain how he came to
be convicted of perjury by thirty…four witnesses in Wakawak； Cochin
China； in 1863； the intent of which perjury being to rob a poor
native widow and her helpless family of a meager plantain…patch；
their only stay and support in their bereavement and desolation。
Mr。 Twain owes it to himself； as well as to the great people whose
suffrages he asks； to clear this matter up。 Will he do it？
I thought I should burst with amazement！ Such a cruel； heartless charge！
I never had seen Cochin China！ I never had heard of Wakawak ！ I didn't
know a plantain…patch from a kangaroo！ I did not know what to do。 I was
crazed and helpless。 I let the day slip away without doing anything at
all。 The next morning the same paper had thisnothing more：
SIGNIFICANT。Mr。 Twain； it will be observed； is suggestively
silent about the Cochin China perjury。
＇Mem。During the rest of the campaign this paper never referred to me in
any other way than as 〃the infamous perjurer Twain。〃＇
Next came the Gazette； with this：
WANTED TO KNOW。Will the new candidate for Governor deign to
explain to certain of his fellow…citizens （who are suffering to vote
for him！） the little circumstance of his cabin…mates in Montana
losing small valuables from time to time； until at last； these
things having been invariably found on Mr。 Twain's person or in his
〃trunk〃 （newspaper he rolled his traps in）； they felt compelled to
give him a friendly admonition for his own good； and so tarred and
feathered him； and rode him on a rail； and then advised him to leave
a permanent vacuum in the place he usually occupied in the camp。
Will he do this？
Could anything be more deliberately malicious than that？ For I never was
in Montana in my life。
＇After this； this journal customarily spoke of me as； 〃Twain； the Montana
Thief。〃＇
I got to picking up papers apprehensivelymuch as one would lift a
desired blanket which he had some idea might have a rattlesnake under it。
One day this met my eye：
THE LIE NAILED。By the sworn affidavits of Michael O'Flanagan；
Esq。； of the Five Points； and Mr。 Snub Rafferty and Mr。 Catty
Mulligan； of Water Street； it is established that Mr。 Mark Twain's
vile statement that the lamented grandfather of our noble standard…
bearer； Blank J。 Blank； was hanged for highway robbery； is a brutal
and gratuitous LIE； without a shadow of foundation in fact。 It is
disheartening to virtuous men to see such shameful means resorted to
to achieve political success as the attacking of the dead in their
graves； and defiling their honored names with slander。 When we
think of the anguish this miserable falsehood must cause the
innocent relatives and friends of the deceased； we are almost driven
to incite an outraged and insulted public to summary and unlawful
vengeance upon the traducer。 But no！ let us leave him to the agony
of a lacerated conscience （though if passion should get the better
of the public； and in its blind fury they should do the traducer
bodily injury； it is but too obvious that no jury could convict and
no court punish the perpetrators of the deed）。
The ingenious closing sentence had the effect of moving me out of bed
with despatch that night； and out at the back door also； while the
〃outraged and insulted public〃 surged in the front way； breaking
furniture and windows in their righteous indignation as they came；
and taking off such property as they could carry when they went。
And yet I can lay my hand upon the Book and say that I never slandered
Mr。 Blank's grandfather。 More： I had never even heard of him or
mentioned him up to that day and date。
＇I will state； in passing； that the journal above quoted from always
referred to me afterward as 〃Twain； the Body…Snatcher。〃＇
The next newspaper article that attracted my attention was the following：
A SWEET CANDIDATE。Mr。 Mark Twain； who was to make such a
blighting speech at the mass…meeting of the Independents last night；
didn't come to time！ A telegram from his physician stated that he
had been knocked down by a runaway team； and his leg broken in two
placessufferer lying in great agony； and so forth； and so forth；
and a lot more bosh of the same sort。 And the Independents tried
hard to swallow the wretched subterfuge； and pretend that they did
not know what was the real reason of the absence of the abandoned
creature whom they denominate their standard…bearer。 A certain man
was seen to reel into Mr。 Twain's hotel last night in a state of
beastly intoxication。 It is the imperative duty of the Independents
to prove that this besotted brute was not Mark Twain himself。 We
have them at last！ This is a case that admits of no shirking。 The
voice of the people demands in thunder tones； 〃WHO WAS THAT MAN？〃
It was incredible； absolutely incredible； for a moment； that it was
really my name that was coupled with this disgraceful suspicion。 Three
long years had passed over my head since I had tasted ale； beer； wine or
liquor or any kind。
＇It shows what effect the times were having on me when I say that I saw
myself； confidently dubbed 〃Mr。 Delirium Tremens Twain〃 in the next issue
of that journal without a pangnotwithstanding I knew that with
monotonous fidelity the paper would go on calling me so to the very end。＇
By this time anonymous letters were getting to be an important part of my
mail matter。 This form was common
How about that old woman you kiked of your premises which
was beging。 POL。 PRY。
And this：
