sketches new and old-第62章

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to　do　it　but　he　was　no　more　fitted　for　breakfast　than　a　mummy　would　be；
sirnot　a　bit。　　Lean？why；　bless　me！and　tough？　　Ah；　he　was　very
tough！　　You　could　not　imagine　ityou　could　never　imagine　anything　like
it。〃

〃Do　you　mean　to　tell　me　that〃

〃Do　not　interrupt　me；　please。　　After　breakfast　we　elected　a　man　by　the
name　of　Walker；　from　Detroit；　for　supper。　　He　was　very　good。　　I　wrote　his
wife　so　afterward。　　He　was　worthy　of　all　praise。　　I　shall　always　remember
Walker。　　He　was　a　little　rare；　but　very　good。　　And　then　the　next　morning
we　had　Morgan　of　Alabama　for　breakfast。　He　was　one　of　the　finest　men　I
ever　sat　down　to　handsome；　educated；　refined；　spoke　several　languages
fluently　a　perfect　gentleman　he　was　a　perfect　gentleman；　and　singularly
juicy。　　For　supper　we　had　that　Oregon　patriarch；　and　he　was　a　fraud；
there　is　no　question　about　itold；　scraggy；　tough；　nobody　can　picture
the　reality。　　I　finally　said；　gentlemen；　you　can　do　as　you　like；　but　I
will　wait　for　another　election。　　And　Grimes　of　Illinois　said；　'Gentlemen；
I　will　wait　also。　　When　you　elect　a　man　that　has　something　to　recommend
him；　I　shall　be　glad　to　join　you　again。'　　It　soon　became　evident　that
there　was　general　dissatisfaction　with　Davis　of　Oregon；　and　so；　to
preserve　the　good　will　that　had　prevailed　so　pleasantly　since　we　had　had
Harris；　an　election　was　called；　and　the　result　of　it　was　that　Baker　of
Georgia　was　chosen。　　He　was　splendid！　　Well；　wellafter　that　we　had
Doolittle；　and　Hawkins；　and　McElroy　（there　was　some　complaint　about
McElroy；　because　he　was　uncommonly　short　and　thin）；　and　Penrod；　and　two
Smiths；　and　Bailey　（Bailey　had　a　wooden　leg；　which　was　clear　loss；　but　he
was　otherwise　good）；　and　an　Indian　boy；　and　an　organ…grinder；　and　a
gentleman　by　the　name　of　Buckminstera　poor　stick　of　a　vagabond　that
wasn't　any　good　for　company　and　no　account　for　breakfast。　　We　were　glad
we　got　him　elected　before　relief　came。〃

〃And　so　the　blessed　relief　did　come　at　last？〃

〃Yes；　it　came　one　bright；　sunny　morning；　just　after　election。　　John
Murphy　was　the　choice；　and　there　never　was　a　better；　I　am　willing　to
testify；　but　John　Murphy　came　home　with　us；　in　the　train　that　came　to
succor　us；　and　lived　to　marry　the　widow　Harris〃

〃Relict　of〃

〃Relict　of　our　first　choice。　　He　married　her；　and　is　happy　and　respected
and　prosperous　yet。　　Ah；　it　was　like　a　novel；　sirit　was　like　a　romance。
This　is　my　stopping…place；　sir；　I　must　bid　you　goodby。　　Any　time　that　you
can　make　it　convenient　to　tarry　a　day　or　two　with　me；　I　shall　be　glad　to
have　you。　　I　like　you；　sir；　I　have　conceived　an　affection　for　you。
I　could　like　you　as　well　as　I　liked　Harris　himself；　sir。　　Good　day；　sir；
and　a　pleasant　journey。〃

He　was　gone。　　I　never　felt　so　stunned；　so　distressed；　so　bewildered　in　my
life。　　But　in　my　soul　I　was　glad　he　was　gone。　　With　all　his　gentleness　of
manner　and　his　soft　voice；　I　shuddered　whenever　he　turned　his　hungry　eye
upon　me；　and　when　I　heard　that　I　had　achieved　his　perilous　affection；　and
that　I　stood　almost　with　the　late　Harris　in　his　esteem；　my　heart　fairly
stood　still！

I　was　bewildered　beyond　description。　　I　did　not　doubt　his　word；　I　could
not　question　a　single　item　in　a　statement　so　stamped　with　the　earnestness
of　truth　as　his；　but　its　dreadful　details　overpowered　me；　and　threw　my
thoughts　into　hopeless　confusion。　　I　saw　the　conductor　looking　at　me。
I　said；　〃Who　is　that　man？〃

〃He　was　a　member　of　Congress　once；　and　a　good　one。　　But　he　got　caught　in
a　snow…drift　in　the　cars；　and　like　to　have　been　starved　to　death。　　He　got
so　frost…bitten　and　frozen　up　generally；　and　used　up　for　want　of
something　to　eat；　that　he　was　sick　and　out　of　his　head　two　or　three
months　afterward。　　He　is　all　right　now；　only　he　is　a　monomaniac；　and　when
he　gets　on　that　old　subject　he　never　stops　till　he　has　eat　up　that　whole
car…load　of　people　he　talks　about。　　He　would　have　finished　the　crowd　by
this　time；　only　he　had　to　get　out　here。　　He　has　got　their　names　as　pat　as
A　B　C。　　When　he　gets　them　all　eat　up　but　himself；　he　always　says：　'Then
the　hour　for　the　usual　election　for　breakfast　having　arrived；　and　there
being　no　opposition；　I　was　duly　elected；　after　which；　there　being　no
objections　offered；　I　resigned。　　Thus　I　am　here。'〃

I　felt　inexpressibly　relieved　to　know　that　I　had　only　been　listening　to
the　harmless　vagaries　of　a　madman　instead　of　the　genuine　experiences　of　a
bloodthirsty　cannibal。






THE　KILLING　OF　JULIUS　CAESAR　〃LOCALIZED〃　＇Written　about　1865。＇

Being　the　only　true　and　reliable　account　ever　published；　taken　from　the
Roman　〃Daily　Evening　Fasces；〃　of　the　date　of　that　tremendous　occurrence。

Nothing　in　the　world　affords　a　newspaper　reporter　so　much　satisfaction　as
gathering　up　the　details　of　a　bloody　and　mysterious　murder　and　writing
them　up　with　aggravating　circumstantiality。　　He　takes　a　living　delight　in
this　labor　of　lovefor　such　it　is　to　him；　especially　if　he　knows　that
all　the　other　papers　have　gone　to　press；　and　his　will　be　the　only　one
that　will　contain　the　dreadful　intelligence。　　A　feeling　of　regret　has
often　come　over　me　that　I　was　not　reporting　in　Rome　when　Caesar　was
killedreporting　on　an　evening　paper；　and　the　only　one　in　the　city；　and
getting　at　least　twelve　hours　ahead　of　the　morning…paper　boys　with　this
most　magnificent　〃item〃　that　ever　fell　to　the　lot　of　the　craft。　　Other
events　have　happened　as　startling　as　this；　but　none　that　possessed　so
peculiarly　all　the　characteristics　of　the　favorite　〃item〃　of　the　present
day；　magnified　into　grandeur　and　sublimity　by　the　high　rank；　fame；　and
social　and　political　standing　of　the　actors　in　it。

However；　as　I　was　not　permitted　to　report　Caesar's　assassination　in　the
regular　way；　it　has　at　least　afforded　me　rare　satisfaction　to　translate
the　following　able　account　of　it　from　the　original　Latin　of　the　Roman
Daily　Evening　Fasces　of　that　datesecond　edition：


Our　usually　quiet　city　of　Rome　was　thrown　into　a　state　of　wild　excitement
yesterday　by　the　occurrence　of　one　of　those　bloody　affrays　which　sicken
the　heart　and　fill　the　soul　with　fear；　while　they　inspire　all　thinking
men　with　forebodings　for　the　future　of　a　city　where　human　life　is　held　so
cheaply　and　the　gravest　laws　are　so　openly　set　at　defiance。　　As　the
result　of　that　affray；　it　is　our　painful　duty；　as　public　journalists；　to
record　the　death　of　one　of　our　most　esteemed　citizensa　man　whose　name
is　known　wherever　this　paper　circulates；　and　where　fame　it　has　been　our
pleasure　and　our　privilege　to　extend；　and　also　to　protect　from　the　tongue
of　slander　and　falsehood；　to　the　best　of　our　poor　ability。　　We　refer　to
Mr。　J。　Caesar；　the　Emperor…elect。

The　facts　of　the　case；　as　nearly　as　our　reporter　could　determine　them
from　the　conflicting　statements　of　eye…witnesses；　were　about　as　follows：…
The　affair　was　an　election　row；　of　course。　　Nine…tenths　of　the　ghastly
butcheries　that　disgrace　the　city　nowadays　grow　out　of　the　bickerings　and
jealousies　and　animosities　engendered　by　these　accursed　elections。　　Rome
would　be　the　gainer　by　it　if　her　very　constables　were　elected　to　serve　a
century；　for　in　our　experience　we　have　never　even　been　able　to　choose　a
dog…pelter　without　celebrating　the　event　with　a　dozen　knockdowns　and　a
general　cramming　of　the　station…house　with　drunken　vagabonds　overnight。
It　is　said　that　when　the　immense　majority　for　Caesar　at　the　polls　in　the
market　was　declared　the　other　day；　and　the　crown　was　offered　to　that
gentleman；　even　his　amazing　unselfishness　in　refusing　it　three　times　was
not　sufficient　to　save　him　from　the　whispered　insults　of　such　men　as
Casca；　of　the　Tenth　Ward；　and　other　hirelings　of　the　disappointed
candidate；　hailing　mostly　from　the　Eleventh　and　Thirteenth　and　other
outside　districts；　who　were　overheard　speaking　ironically　and
contemptuously　of　Mr。　Caesar's　conduct　upon　that　occasion。

We　are　further　informed　that　there　are　many　among　us　who　think　they　are
justified　in　believing　that　the　assassination　of　Julius　Caesar　was　a　put…
up　thinga　cut…and…dried　arrangement；　hatched　by　Marcus　Brutus　and　a　lot
of　his　hired　roughs；　and　carried　out　only　too　faithfully　according　to　the
program。　　Whether　there　be　good　grounds　for　this　suspicion　or　no