sketches new and old-第57章

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WASHINGTON；　December；　1867。

I　have　resigned。　　The　government　appears　to　go　on　much　the　same；　but
there　is　a　spoke　out　of　its　wheel；　nevertheless。　　I　was　clerk　of　the
Senate　Committee　on　Conchology；　and　I　have　thrown　up　the　position。
I　could　see　the　plainest　disposition　on　the　part　of　the　other　members　of
the　government　to　debar　me　from　having　any　voice　in　the　counsels　of　the
nation；　and　so　I　could　no　longer　hold　office　and　retain　my　self…respect。
If　I　were　to　detail　all　the　outrages　that　were　heaped　upon　me　during　the
six　days　that　I　was　connected　with　the　government　in　an　official
capacity；　the　narrative　would　fill　a　volume。　　They　appointed　me　clerk　of
that　Committee　on　Conchology　and　then　allowed　me　no　amanuensis　to　play
billiards　with。　　I　would　have　borne　that；　lonesome　as　it　was；　if　I　had
met　with　that　courtesy　from　the　other　members　of　the　Cabinet　which　was　my
due。　　But　I　did　not。　　Whenever　I　observed　that　the　head　of　a　department
was　pursuing　a　wrong　course；　I　laid　down　everything　and　went　and　tried　to
set　him　right；　as　it　was　my　duty　to　do；　and　I　never　was　thanked　for　it　in
a　single　instance。　　I　went；　with　the　best　intentions　in　the　world；　to　the
Secretary　of　the　Navy；　and　said：

〃Sir；　I　cannot　see　that　Admiral　Farragut　is　doing　anything　but
skirmishing　around　there　in　Europe；　having　a　sort　of　picnic。　　Now；　that
may　be　all　very　well；　but　it　does　not　exhibit　itself　to　me　in　that　light。
If　there　is　no　fighting　for　him　to　do；　let　him　come　home。　　There　is　no
use　in　a　man　having　a　whole　fleet　for　a　pleasure　excursion。　　It　is　too
expensive。　　Mind；　I　do　not　object　to　pleasure　excursions　for　the　naval
officerspleasure　excursions　that　are　in　reasonpleasure　excursions
that　are　economical。　　Now；　they　might　go　down　the　Mississippi
on　a　raft〃

You　ought　to　have　heard　him　storm！　　One　would　have　supposed　I　had
committed　a　crime　of　some　kind。　　But　I　didn't　mind。　　I　said　it　was　cheap；
and　full　of　republican　simplicity；　and　perfectly　safe。　　I　said　that；　for
a　tranquil　pleasure　excursion；　there　was　nothing　equal　to　a　raft。

Then　the　Secretary　of　the　Navy　asked　me　who　I　was；　and　when　I　told　him　I
was　connected　with　the　government；　he　wanted　to　know　in　what　capacity。　　I
said　that；　without　remarking　upon　the　singularity　of　such　a　question；
coming；　as　it　did；　from　a　member　of　that　same　government；　I　would　inform
him　that　I　was　clerk　of　the　Senate　Committee　on　Conchology。　　Then　there
was　a　fine　storm！　　He　finished　by　ordering　me　to　leave　the　premises；　and
give　my　attention　strictly　to　my　own　business　in　future。　　My　first
impulse　was　to　get　him　removed。　　However；　that　would　harm　others　besides
himself；　and　do　me　no　real　good；　and　so　I　let　him　stay。

I　went　next　to　the　Secretary　of　War；　who　was　not　inclined　to　see　me　at
all　until　he　learned　that　I　was　connected　with　the　government。　　If　I　had
not　been　on　important　business；　I　suppose　I　could　not　have　got　in。
I　asked　him　for　alight　（he　was　smoking　at　the　time）；　and　then　I　told　him
I　had　no　fault　to　find　with　his　defending　the　parole　stipulations　of
General　Lee　and　his　comrades　in　arms；　but　that　I　could　not　approve　of　his
method　of　fighting　the　Indians　on　the　Plains。　　I　said　he　fought　too
scattering。　　He　ought　to　get　the　Indians　more　togetherget　them　together
in　some　convenient　place；　where　he　could　have　provisions　enough　for　both
parties；　and　then　have　a　general　massacre。　　I　said　there　was　nothing　so
convincing　to　an　Indian　as　a　general　massacre。　　If　he　could　not　approve
of　the　massacre；　I　said　the　next　surest　thing　for　an　Indian　was　soap　and
education。　　Soap　and　education　are　not　as　sudden　as　a　massacre；　but　they
are　more　deadly　in　the　long　run；　because　a　half…massacred　Indian　may
recover；　but　if　you　educate　him　and　wash　him；　it　is　bound　to　finish　him
some　time　or　other。　　It　undermines　his　constitution；　it　strikes　at　the
foundation　of　his　being。　　〃Sir；〃　I　said；　〃the　time　has　come　when　blood…
curdling　cruelty　has　become　necessary。　　Inflict　soap　and　a　spelling…book
on　every　Indian　that　ravages　the　Plains；　and　let　them　die！〃

The　Secretary　of　War　asked　me　if　I　was　a　member　of　the　Cabinet；　and　I
said　I　was。　　He　inquired　what　position　I　held；　and　I　said　I　was　clerk　of
the　Senate　Committee　on　Conchology。　　I　was　then　ordered　under　arrest　for
contempt　of　court；　and　restrained　of　my　liberty　for　the　best　part　of　the
day。

I　almost　resolved　to　be　silent　thenceforward；　and　let　the　Government　get
along　the　best　way　it　could。　　But　duty　called；　and　I　obeyed。　　I　called　on
the　Secretary　of　the　Treasury。　　He　said：

〃What　will　you　have？〃

The　question　threw　me　off　my　guard。　　I　said；　〃Rum　punch。〃

He　said：　〃If　you　have　got　any　business　here；　sir；　state　itand　in　as　few
words　as　possible。〃

I　then　said　that　I　was　sorry　he　had　seen　fit　to　change　the　subject　so
abruptly；　because　such　conduct　was　very　offensive　to　me；　but　under　the
circumstances　I　would　overlook　the　matter　and　come　to　the　point。　　I　now
went　into　an　earnest　expostulation　with　him　upon　the　extravagant　length
of　his　report。　　I　said　it　was　expensive；　unnecessary；　and　awkwardly
constructed；　there　were　no　descriptive　passages　in　it；　no　poetry；　no
sentiment　no　heroes；　no　plot；　no　picturesnot　even　wood…cuts。　　Nobody
would　read　it；　that　was　a　clear　case。　　I　urged　him　not　to　ruin　his
reputation　by　getting　out　a　thing　like　that。　　If　he　ever　hoped　to　succeed
in　literature　he　must　throw　more　variety　into　his　writings。　　He　must
beware　of　dry　detail。　　I　said　that　the　main　popularity　of　the　almanac　was
derived　from　its　poetry　and　conundrums；　and　that　a　few　conundrums
distributed　around　through　his　Treasury　report　would　help　the　sale　of　it
more　than　all　the　internal　revenue　he　could　put　into　it。　　I　said　these
things　in　the　kindest　spirit；　and　yet　the　Secretary　of　the　Treasury　fell
into　a　violent　passion。　　He　even　said　I　was　an　ass。　　He　abused　me　in　the
most　vindictive　manner；　and　said　that　if　I　came　there　again　meddling　with
his　business　he　would　throw　me　out　of　the　window。　　I　said　I　would　take　my
hat　and　go；　if　I　could　not　be　treated　with　the　respect　due　to　my　office；
and　I　did　go。　　It　was　just　like　a　new　author。　　They　always　think　they
know　more　than　anybody　else　when　they　are　getting　out　their　first　book。
Nobody　can　tell　them　anything。

During　the　whole　time　that　I　was　connected　with　the　government　it　seemed
as　if　I　could　not　do　anything　in　an　official　capacity　without　getting
myself　into　trouble。　　And　yet　I　did　nothing；　attempted　nothing；　but　what
I　conceived　to　be　for　the　good　of　my　country。　　The　sting　of　my　wrongs　may
have　driven　me　to　unjust　and　harmful　conclusions；　but　it　surely　seemed　to
me　that　the　Secretary　of　State；　the　Secretary　of　War；　the　Secretary　of
the　Treasury；　and　others　of　my　confreres　had　conspired　from　the　very
beginning　to　drive　me　from　the　Administration。　　I　never　attended　but　one
Cabinet　meeting　while　I　was　connected　with　the　government。　　That　was
sufficient　for　me。　　The　servant　at　the　White　House　door　did　not　seem
disposed　to　make　way　for　me　until　I　asked　if　the　other　members　of　the
Cabinet　had　arrived。　　He　said　they　had；　and　I　entered。　　They　were　all
there；　but　nobody　offered　me　a　seat。　　They　stared　at　me　as　if　I　had　been
an　intruder。　　The　President　said：

〃Well；　sir；　who　are　you？〃

I　handed　him　my　card；　and　he　read：　〃The　HON。　　MARK　TWAIN；　Clerk　of　the
Senate　Committee　on　Conchology。〃　　Then　he　looked　at　me　from　head　to　foot；
as　if　he　had　never　heard　of　me　before。　　The　Secretary　of　the　Treasury
said：

〃This　is　the　meddlesome　ass　that　came　to　recommend　me　to　put　poetry　and
conundrums　in　my　report；　as　if　it　were　an　almanac。〃

The　Secretary　of　War　said：　〃It　is　the　same　visionary　that　came　to　me
yesterday　with　a　scheme　to　educate　a　portion　of　the　Indians　to　death；
and　massacre　the　balance。〃

The　Secretary　of　the　Navy　said：　〃I　recognize　this　youth　as　the　person　who
has　been　interfering　with　my　business　time　and　again　during　the　week。　　He
is　distressed　about　Admiral　Farragut's　using　a　whole　fleet　for　a　pleasure
excursion；　as　he　terms　it。　　His　proposition　about　some　insane　pleasure
excursion　on　a　raft　is　too　absurd　to　repeat。〃

I　said：　〃　Gentlemen；　I　perceive　here　a　disposition　to　throw　discredit
upon　every　act　of　my