sketches new and old-第34章
按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
John Wagner is two years older than the Rhode Island veteran； and yet has
never tasted a drop of liquor in his lifeunless…unless you count
whisky。
SCIENCE V。S。 LUCK ＇Written about 1867。＇
At that time； in Kentucky （said the Hon。 Mr。 K…）； the law was very
strict against what is termed 〃games of chance。〃 About a dozen of the
boys were detected playing 〃seven up〃 or 〃old sledge〃 for money； and the
grand jury found a true bill against them。 Jim Sturgis was retained to
defend them when the case came up； of course。 The more he studied over
the matter； and looked into the evidence； the plainer it was that he must
lose a case at lastthere was no getting around that painful fact。
Those boys had certainly been betting money on a game of chance。 Even
public sympathy was roused in behalf of Sturgis。 People said it was a
pity to see him mar his successful career with a big prominent case like
this； which must go against him。
But after several restless nights an inspired idea flashed upon Sturgis；
and he sprang out of bed delighted。 He thought he saw his way through。
The next day he whispered around a little among his clients and a few
friends； and then when the case came up in court he acknowledged the
seven…up and the betting； and； as his sole defense； had the astounding
effrontery to put in the plea that old sledge was not a game of chance！
There was the broadest sort of a smile all over the faces of that
sophisticated audience。 The judge smiled with the rest。 But Sturgis
maintained a countenance whose earnestness was even severe。 The opposite
counsel tried to ridicule him out of his position； and did not succeed。
The judge jested in a ponderous judicial way about the thing； but did not
move him。 The matter was becoming grave。 The judge lost a little of his
patience； and said the joke had gone far enough。 Jim Sturgis said he
knew of no joke in the matterhis clients could not be punished for
indulging in what some people chose to consider a game of chance until it
was proven that it was a game of chance。 Judge and counsel said that
would be an easy matter； and forthwith called Deacons Job； Peters； Burke；
and Johnson； and Dominies Wirt and Miggles； to testify； and they
unanimously and with strong feeling put down the legal quibble of Sturgis
by pronouncing that old sledge was a game of chance。
〃What do you call it now？〃 said the judge。
〃I call it a game of science！〃 retorted Sturgis； 〃and I'll prove it；
too！〃
They saw his little game。
He brought in a cloud of witnesses； and produced an overwhelming mass of
testimony； to show that old sledge was not a game of chance but a game of
science。
Instead of being the simplest case in the world； it had somehow turned
out to be an excessively knotty one。 The judge scratched his head over
it awhile； and said there was no way of coming to a determination；
because just as many men could be brought into court who would testify on
one side as could be found to testify on the other。 But he said he was
willing to do the fair thing by all parties； and would act upon any
suggestion Mr。 Sturgis would make for the solution of the difficulty。
Mr。 Sturgis was on his feet in a second。
〃Impanel a jury of six of each； Luck versus Science。 Give them candles
and a couple of decks of cards。 Send them into the jury…room； and just
abide by the result！〃
There was no disputing the fairness of the proposition。 The four deacons
and the two dominies were sworn in as the 〃chance〃 jurymen； and six
inveterate old seven…up professors were chosen to represent the 〃science〃
side of the issue。 They retired to the jury…room。
In about two hours Deacon Peters sent into court to borrow three dollars
from a friend。 ＇Sensation。＇ In about two hours more Dominie Miggles
sent into court to borrow a 〃stake〃 from a friend。 ＇Sensation。＇ During
the next three or four hours the other dominie and the other deacons sent
into court for small loans。 And still the packed audience waited； for it
was a prodigious occasion in Bull's Corners； and one in which every
father of a family was necessarily interested。
The rest of the story can be told briefly。 About daylight the jury came
in； and Deacon Job； the foreman； read the following：
VERDICT：
We； the jury in the case of the Commonwealth of Kentucky vs。 John
Wheeler et al。； have carefully considered the points of the case；
and tested the merits of the several theories advanced； and do
hereby unanimously decide that the game commonly known as old sledge
or seven…up is eminently a game of science and not of chance。 In
demonstration whereof it is hereby and herein stated； iterated；
reiterated； set forth； and made manifest that； during the entire
night； the 〃chance〃 men never won a game or turned a jack； although
both feats were common and frequent to the opposition； and
furthermore； in support of this our verdict； we call attention to
the significant fact that the 〃chance〃 men are all busted； and the
〃science〃 men have got the money。 It is the deliberate opinion of
this jury； that the 〃chance〃 theory concerning seven…up is a
pernicious doctrine； and calculated to inflict untold suffering and
pecuniary loss upon any community that takes stock in it。
〃That is the way that seven…up came to be set apart and particularized in
the statute…books of Kentucky as being a game not of chance but of
science； and therefore not punishable under the law；〃 said Mr。 K…。
〃That verdict is of record； and holds good to this day。〃
THE LATE BENJAMIN FRANKLIN ＇Written about 1870。＇
＇〃Never put off till to…morrow what you can do day after to…morrow just
as well。〃B。 F。＇
This party was one of those persons whom they call Philosophers。 He was
twins； being born simultaneously in two different houses in the city of
Boston。 These houses remain unto this day； and have signs upon them
worded in accordance with the facts。 The signs are considered well
enough to have； though not necessary； because the inhabitants point out
the two birthplaces to the stranger anyhow； and sometimes as often as
several times in the same day。 The subject of this memoir was of a
vicious disposition； and early prostituted his talents to the invention
of maxims and aphorisms calculated to inflict suffering upon the rising
generation of all subsequent ages。 His simplest acts； also； were
contrived with a view to their being held up for the emulation of boys
foreverboys who might otherwise have been happy。 It was in this spirit
that he became the son of a soap…boiler； and probably for no other reason
than that the efforts of all future boys who tried to be anything might
be looked upon with suspicion unless they were the sons of soap…boilers。
With a malevolence which is without parallel in history； he would work
all day； and then sit up nights； and let on to be studying algebra by the
light of a smoldering fire； so that all other boys might have to do that
also； or else have Benjamin Franklin thrown up to them。 Not satisfied
with these proceedings； he had a fashion of living wholly on bread and
water； and studying astronomy at meal…timea thing which has brought
affliction to millions of boys since； whose fathers had read Franklin's
pernicious biography。
His maxims were full of animosity toward boys。 Nowadays a boy cannot
follow out a single natural instinct without tumbling over some of those
everlasting aphorisms and hearing from Franklin； on the spot。 If he buys
two cents' worth of peanuts； his father says； 〃Remember what Franklin has
said； my son'A grout a day's a penny a year〃'； and the comfort is all
gone out of those peanuts。 If he wants to spin his top when he has done
work； his father quotes； 〃Procrastination is the thief of time。〃 If he
does a virtuous action； he never gets anything for it； because 〃Virtue is
its own reward。〃 And that boy is hounded to death and robbed of his
natural rest； because Franklin； said once； in one of his inspired flights
of malignity：
Early to bed and early to rise
Makes a man healthy and wealthy and wise。
As if
