sketches new and old-第33章
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letter； Riley's newspaper letters often display a more than earthly
solemnity； and likewise an unimaginative devotion to petrified facts；
which surprise and distress all men who know him in his unofficial
character。 He explains this curious thing by saying that his employers
sent him to Washington to write facts； not fancy； and that several times
he has come near losing his situation by inserting humorous remarks
which； not being looked for at headquarters； and consequently not
understood； were thought to be dark and bloody speeches intended to
convey signals and warnings to murderous secret societies； or something
of that kind； and so were scratched out with a shiver and a prayer and
cast into the stove。 Riley says that sometimes he is so afflicted with
a yearning to write a sparkling and absorbingly readable letter that he
simply cannot resist it； and so he goes to his den and revels in the
delight of untrammeled scribbling； and then； with suffering such as only
a mother can know； he destroys the pretty children of his fancy and
reduces his letter to the required dismal accuracy。 Having seen Riley do
this very thing more than once； I know whereof I speak。 Often I have
laughed with him over a happy passage； and grieved to see him plow his
pen through it。 He would say； 〃I had to write that or die； and I've got
to scratch it out or starve。 They wouldn't stand it； you know。〃
I think Riley is about the most entertaining company I ever saw。 We
lodged together in many places in Washington during the winter of '67…8；
moving comfortably from place to place； and attracting attention by
paying our boarda course which cannot fail to make a person conspicuous
in Washington。 Riley would tell all about his trip to California in the
early days； by way of the Isthmus and the San Juan River； and about his
baking bread in San Francisco to gain a living； and setting up tenpins；
and practising law； and opening oysters； and delivering lectures； and
teaching French； and tending bar； and reporting for the newspapers； and
keeping dancing…schools； and interpreting Chinese in the courtswhich
latter was lucrative； and Riley was doing handsomely and laying up a
little money when people began to find fault because his translations
were too 〃free；〃 a thing for which Riley considered he ought not to be
held responsible； since he did not know a word of the Chinese tongue； and
only adopted interpreting as a means of gaining an honest livelihood。
Through the machinations of enemies he was removed from the position of
official interpreter； and a man put in his place who was familiar with
the Chinese language； but did not know any English。 And Riley used to
tell about publishing a newspaper up in what is Alaska now； but was only
an iceberg then； with a population composed of bears； walruses； Indians；
and other animals； and how the iceberg got adrift at last； and left all
his paying subscribers behind； and as soon as the commonwealth floated
out of the jurisdiction of Russia the people rose and threw off their
allegiance and ran up the English flag； calculating to hook on and become
an English colony as they drifted along down the British Possessions； but
a land breeze and a crooked current carried them by； and they ran up the
Stars and Stripes and steered for California； missed the connection again
and swore allegiance to Mexico； but it wasn't any use； the anchors came
home every time； and away they went with the northeast trades drifting
off sideways toward the Sandwich Islands； whereupon they ran up the
Cannibal flag and had a grand human barbecue in honor of it； in which it
was noticed that the better a man liked a friend the better he enjoyed
him； and as soon as they got fairly within the tropics the weather got so
fearfully hot that the iceberg began to melt； and it got so sloppy under
foot that it was almost impossible for ladies to get about at all； and at
last； just as they came in sight of the islands； the melancholy remnant
of the once majestic iceberg canted first to one side and then to the
other； and then plunged under forever； carrying the national archives
along with itand not only the archives and the populace； but some
eligible town lots which had increased in value as fast as they
diminished in size in the tropics； and which Riley could have sold at
thirty cents a pound and made himself rich if he could have kept the
province afloat ten hours longer and got her into port。
Riley is very methodical； untiringly accommodating； never forgets
anything that is to be attended to； is a good son； a stanch friend； and a
permanent reliable enemy。 He will put himself to any amount of trouble
to oblige a body； and therefore always has his hands full of things to be
done for the helpless and the shiftless。 And he knows how to do nearly
everything； too。 He is a man whose native benevolence is a well…spring
that never goes dry。 He stands always ready to help whoever needs help；
as far as he is ableand not simply with his money； for that is a cheap
and common charity； but with hand and brain； and fatigue of limb and
sacrifice of time。 This sort of men is rare。
Riley has a ready wit； a quickness and aptness at selecting and applying
quotations； and a countenance that is as solemn and as blank as the back
side of a tombstone when he is delivering a particularly exasperating
joke。 One night a negro woman was burned to death in a house next door
to us； and Riley said that our landlady would be oppressively emotional
at breakfast； because she generally made use of such opportunities as
offered； being of a morbidly sentimental turn； and so we should find it
best to let her talk along and say nothing backit was the only way to
keep her tears out of the gravy。 Riley said there never was a funeral in
the neighborhood but that the gravy was watery for a week。
And； sure enough； at breakfast the landlady was down in the very sloughs
of woeentirely brokenhearted。 Everything she looked at reminded her of
that poor old negro woman； and so the buckwheat cakes made her sob； the
coffee forced a groan； and when the beefsteak came on she fetched a wail
that made our hair rise。 Then she got to talking about deceased； and
kept up a steady drizzle till both of us were soaked through and through。
Presently she took a fresh breath and said； with a world of sobs：
〃Ah； to think of it； only to think of it！the poor old faithful
creature。 For she was so faithful。 Would you believe it； she had been a
servant in that selfsame house and that selfsame family for twenty seven
years come Christmas； and never a cross word and never a lick！ And； oh；
to think she should meet such a death at last！a…sitting over the red
hot stove at three o'clock in the morning and went to sleep and fell on
it and was actually roasted！ Not just frizzled up a bit； but literally
roasted to a crisp！ Poor faithful creature； how she was cooked！ I am
but a poor woman； but even if I have to scrimp to do it； I will put up a
tombstone over that lone sufferer's graveand Mr。 Riley if you would
have the goodness to think up a little epitaph to put on it which would
sort of describe the awful way in which she met her〃
〃Put it； 'Well done； good and faithful servant；'〃 said Riley； and never
smiled。
A FINE OLD MAN
John Wagner； the oldest man in Buffaloone hundred and four years old
recently walked a mile and a half in two weeks。
He is as cheerful and bright as any of these other old men that charge
around so persistently and tiresomely in the newspapers； and in every way
as remarkable。
Last November he walked five blocks in a rainstorm； without any shelter
but an umbrella； and cast his vote for Grant； remarking that he had voted
for forty…seven presidentswhich was a lie。
His 〃second crop〃 of rich brown hair arrived from New York yesterday； and
he has a new set of teeth coming from Philadelphia。
He is to be married next week to a girl one hundred and two years old；
who still takes in washing。
They have been engaged eighty years； but their parents persistently
refused their consent until three days ago。
John Wagner is two years older than the Rhode Island veteran； a
