sketches new and old-第31章
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abiding…place by thousands of enthusiastic citizens； King Bullfrog XVI。
himself attending and condescending to sit enthroned upon it throughout
the progress。
The growing rigor of the weather was now admonishing the scientists to
close their labors for the present； so they made preparations to journey
homeward。 But even their last day among the Caverns bore fruit； for one
of the scholars found in an out…of…the…way corner of the Museum or
〃Burial Place〃 a most strange and extraordinary thing。 It was nothing
less than a double Man…Bird lashed together breast to breast by a natural
ligament； and labeled with the untranslatable words； 〃Siamese Twins。〃
The official report concerning this thing closed thus：
〃Wherefore it appears that there were in old times two distinct species
of this majestic fowl； the one being single and the other double。 Nature
has a reason for all things。 It is plain to the eye of science that the
Double…Man originally inhabited a region where dangers abounded； hence he
was paired together to the end that while one part slept the other might
watch； and likewise that； danger being discovered； there might always be
a double instead of a single power to oppose it。 All honor to the
mystery…dispelling eye of godlike Science！〃
And near the Double Man…Bird was found what was plainly an ancient record
of his； marked upon numberless sheets of a thin white substance and bound
together。 Almost the first glance that Professor Woodlouse threw into it
revealed this following sentence； which he instantly translated and laid
before the scientists； in a tremble； and it uplifted every soul there
with exultation and astonishment：
〃In truth it is believed by many that the lower animals reason and talk
together。〃
When the great official report of the expedition appeared； the above
sentence bore this comment：
〃Then there are lower animals than Man！ This remarkable passage can mean
nothing else。 Man himself is extinct； but they may still exist。 What
can they be？ Where do they inhabit？ One's enthusiasm bursts all bounds
in the contemplation of the brilliant field of discovery and
investigation here thrown open to science。 We close our labors with the
humble prayer that your Majesty will immediately appoint a commission and
command it to rest not nor spare expense until the search for this
hitherto unsuspected race of the creatures of God shall be crowned with
success。〃
The expedition then journeyed homeward after its long absence and its
faithful endeavors； and was received with a mighty ovation by the whole
grateful country。 There were vulgar； ignorant carpers； of course； as
there always are and always will be； and naturally one of these was the
obscene Tumble…Bug。 He said that all he had learned by his travels was
that science only needed a spoonful of supposition to build a mountain of
demonstrated fact out of； and that for the future he meant to be content
with the knowledge that nature had made free to all creatures and not go
prying into the august secrets of the Deity。
MY LATE SENATORIAL SECRETARYSHIP ＇Written about 1867。＇
I am not a private secretary to a senator any more I now。 I held the
berth two months in security and in great cheerfulness of spirit； but my
bread began to return from over the waters thenthat is to say； my works
came back and revealed themselves。 I judged it best to resign。 The way
of it was this。 My employer sent for me one morning tolerably early；
and； as soon as I had finished inserting some conundrums clandestinely
into his last great speech upon finance； I entered the presence。 There
was something portentous in his appearance。 His cravat was untied； his
hair was in a state of disorder； and his countenance bore about it the
signs of a suppressed storm。 He held a package of letters in his tense
grasp； and I knew that the dreaded Pacific mail was in。 He said：
〃I thought you were worthy of confidence。〃
I said； 〃Yes； sir。〃
He said； 〃I gave you a letter from certain of my constituents in the
State of Nevada； asking the establishment of a post…office at Baldwin's
Ranch； and told you to answer it； as ingeniously as you could； with
arguments which should persuade them that there was no real necessity for
as office at that place。
I felt easier。 〃Oh； if that is all； sir； I did do that。〃
〃Yes； you did。 I will read your answer for your own humiliation：
WASHINGTON； Nov。 24
〃Messrs。 Smith； Jones； and others。
〃'GENTLEMEN： What the mischief do you suppose you want with a
post…office at Baldwin's Ranch？ It would not do you any good。
If any letters came there； you couldn't read them； you know； and；
besides； such letters as ought to pass through； with money in them；
for other localities； would not be likely to get through； you must
perceive at once； and that would make trouble for us all。 No； don't
bother about a post…office in your camp。 I have your best interests
at heart； and feel that it would only be an ornamental folly。 What
you want is a nice jail； you knowa nice； substantial jail and a
free school。 These will be a lasting benefit to you。 These will
make you really contented and happy。 I will move in the matter at
once。
〃'Very truly； etc。；
Mark Twain；
〃'For James W。 N； U。 S。 Senator。'
〃That is the way you answered that letter。 Those people say they will
hang me； if I ever enter that district again； and I am perfectly
satisfied they will； too。〃
〃Well； sir； I did not know I was doing any harm。 I only wanted to
convince them。〃
〃Ah。 Well； you did convince them； I make no manner of doubt。 Now； here
is another specimen。 I gave you a petition from certain gentlemen of
Nevada； praying that I would get a bill through Congress incorporating
the Methodist Episcopal Church of the State of Nevada。 I told you to
say； in reply； that the creation of such a law came more properly within
the province of the state legislature； and to endeavor to show them that；
in the present feebleness of the religious element in that new
commonwealth； the expediency of incorporating the church was
questionable。 What did you write？
〃'WASHINGTON； Nov。 24。
〃'Rev。 John Halifax and others。
〃'GENTLEMEN： You will have to go to the state legislature about that
speculation of yoursCongress don't know anything about religion。
But don't you hurry to go there； either； because this thing you
propose to do out in that new country isn't expedientin fact； it
is ridiculous。 Your religious people there are too feeble； in
intellect； in morality； in piety in everything； pretty much。 You
had better drop thisyou can't make it work。 You can't issue stock
on an incorporation like thator if you could； it would only keep
you in trouble all the time。 The other denominations would abuse
it； and 〃bear〃 it； and 〃sell it short；〃 and break it down。 They
would do with it just as they would with one of your silver…mines
out therethey would try to make all the world believe it was
〃wildcat。〃 You ought not to do anything that is calculated to bring
a sacred thing into disrepute。 You ought to be ashamed of
yourselves that is what I think about it。 You close your petition
with the words： 〃And we will ever pray。〃 I think you had better you
need to do it。
〃'Very truly； etc。；
〃'MARK TWAIN；
〃'For James W。 N…； U。 S。 Senator。'
〃That luminous epistle finishes me with the religious element among my
constituents。 But that my political murder might be made sure； some evil
instinct prompted me to hand you this memorial from the grave company of
elders composing the board of aldermen of the city of San Francisco； to
try your hand upon a； memorial praying that the city's right to the
water…lots upon the city front might be established by law of Congress。
I told you this was a dangerous matter t
