sketches new and old-第3章
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saw at a glance that all the calculations had been a little out； and if a
thunder…storm were to come up； and that house； which he felt a personal
interest in； stood there with nothing on earth to protect it but sixteen
lightning…rods〃Let us have peace！〃 I shrieked。 〃Put up a hundred and
fifty！ Put some on the kitchen！ Put a dozen on the barn！ Put a couple
on the cow！ Put one on the cook！scatter them all over the persecuted
place till it looks like a zinc…plated； spiral…twisted； silver…mounted
canebrake！ Move！ Use up all the material you can get your hands on； and
when you run out of lightning…rods put up ramrods； cam…rods； stair…rods；
piston…rodsanything that will pander to your dismal appetite for
artificial scenery； and bring respite to my raging brain and healing to
my lacerated soul！〃 Wholly unmovedfurther than to smile sweetlythis
iron being simply turned back his wrist…bands daintily； and said he would
now proceed to hump himself。 Well； all that was nearly three hours ago。
It is questionable whether I am calm enough yet to write on the noble
theme of political economy； but I cannot resist the desire to try； for it
is the one subject that is nearest to my heart and dearest to my brain of
all this world's philosophy。＇
〃economy is heaven's best boon to man。〃 When the loose but gifted
Byron lay in his Venetian exile he observed that； if it could be
granted him to go back and live his misspent life over again； he
would give his lucid and unintoxicated intervals to the composition；
not of frivolous rhymes； but of essays upon political economy。
Washington loved this exquisite science； such names as Baker；
Beckwith； Judson； Smith； are imperishably linked with it； and even
imperial Homer； in the ninth book of the Iliad； has said：
Fiat justitia； ruat coelum；
Post mortem unum； ante bellum；
Hic facet hoc； ex…parte res；
Politicum e…conomico est。
The grandeur of these conceptions of the old poet； together with the
felicity of the wording which clothes them； and the sublimity of the
imagery whereby they are illustrated； have singled out that stanza；
and made it more celebrated than any that ever
＇〃Now； not a word out of younot a single word。 Just state your bill
and relapse into impenetrable silence for ever and ever on these
premises。 Nine hundred； dollars？ Is that all？ This check for the
amount will be honored at any respectable bank in America。 What is that
multitude of people gathered in the street for？ How？'looking at the
lightning…rods！' Bless my life； did they never see any lightning…rods
before？ Never saw 'such a stack of them on one establishment；' did I
understand you to say？ I will step down and critically observe this
popular ebullition of ignorance。〃＇
THREE DAYS LATER。We are all about worn out。 For four…and…twenty hours
our bristling premises were the talk and wonder of the town。 The
theaters languished； for their happiest scenic inventions were tame and
commonplace compared with my lightning…rods。 Our street was blocked
night and day with spectators； and among them were many who came from
the country to see。 It was a blessed relief on the second day when a
thunderstorm came up and the lightning began to 〃go for〃 my house； as the
historian Josephus quaintly phrases it。 It cleared the galleries； so to
speak。 In five minutes there was not a spectator within half a mile of
my place； but all the high houses about that distance away were full；
windows； roof； and all。 And well they might be； for all the falling
stars and Fourth…of…July fireworks of a generation； put together and
rained down simultaneously out of heaven in one brilliant shower upon one
helpless roof； would not have any advantage of the pyrotechnic display
that was making my house so magnificently conspicuous in the general
gloom of the storm。
By actual count； the lightning struck at my establishment seven
hundred and sixty…four times in forty minutes； but tripped on one of
those faithful rods every time； and slid down the spiral…twist and shot
into the earth before it probably had time to be surprised at the way the
thing was done。 And through all that bombardment only one patch of slates
was ripped up； and that was because； for a single instant； the rods in
the vicinity were transporting all the lightning they could possibly
accommodate。 Well； nothing was ever seen like it since the world began。
For one whole day and night not a member of my family stuck his head out
of the window but he got the hair snatched off it as smooth as a
billiard…ball； and； if the reader will believe me； not one of us ever
dreamt of stirring abroad。 But at last the awful siege came to an
end…because there was absolutely no more electricity left in the clouds
above us within grappling distance of my insatiable rods。 Then I sallied
forth； and gathered daring workmen together； and not a bite or a nap did
we take till the premises were utterly stripped of all their terrific
armament except just three rods on the house； one on the kitchen； and one
on the barnand； behold； these remain there even unto this day。 And
then； and not till then； the people ventured to use our street again。
I will remark here； in passing； that during that fearful time I did not
continue my essay upon political economy。 I am not even yet settled
enough in nerve and brain to resume it。
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN。Parties having need of three thousand two
hundred and eleven feet of best quality zinc…plated spiral…twist
lightning…rod stuff； and sixteen hundred and thirty…one silver…tipped
points； all in tolerable repair （and； although much worn by use； still
equal to any ordinary emergency）； can hear of a bargains by addressing
the publisher。
THE JUMPING FROG ＇written about 1865＇
IN ENGLISH。 THEN IN FRENCH。 THEN CLAWED BACK INTO A CIVILIZED LANGUAGE
ONCE MORE BY PATIENT； UNREMUNERATED TOIL。
Even a criminal is entitled to fair play； and certainly when a man who
has done no harm has been unjustly treated； he is privileged to do his
best to right himself。 My attention has just beep called to an article
some three years old in a French Magazine entitled； 'Revue des Deux
Mondes' （Review of Some Two Worlds）； wherein the writer treats of 〃Les
Humoristes Americaines〃 （These Humorist Americans）。 I am one of these
humorists American dissected by him； and hence the complaint I am making。
This gentleman's article is an able one （as articles go； in the French；
where they always tangle up everything to that degree that when you start
into a sentence you never know whether you are going to come out alive or
not）。 It is a very good article and the writer says all manner of kind
and complimentary things about mefor which I am sure thank him with all
my heart； but then why should he go and spoil all his praise by one
unlucky experiment？ What I refer to is this： he says my jumping Frog is
a funny story； but still he can't see why it should ever really convulse
any one with laughterand straightway proceeds to translate it into
French in order to prove to his nation that there is nothing so very
extravagantly funny about it。 Just there is where my complaint
originates。 He has not translated it at all； he has simply mixed it all
up； it is no more like the jumping Frog when he gets through with it than
I am like a meridian of longitude。 But my mere assertion is not proof；
wherefore I print the French version； that all may see that I do not
speak falsely； furthermore； in order that even the unlettered may know my
injury and give me their compassion； I have been at infinite pains and
trouble to retranslate this French version back into English； and to tell
the truth I have well…nigh worn myself out at it； having scarcely rested
from my work during five days and nights。 I cannot speak the French
language； but I can translate very well； though not fast； I being self…
educated。 I ask the reader to run his eye over the original English
version of the jumping Frog； and then read the French or my
retranslation； and kindly take notice h
