sketches new and old-第2章

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the　same　confidence　of　manner。

He　said：

〃She　makes　too　much　steam…you　want　to　hang　the　monkey…wrench　on　the
safety…valve！〃

I　brained　him　on　the　spot；　and　had　him　buried　at　my　own　expense。

My　uncle　William　（now　deceased；　alas！）　used　to　say　that　a　good　horse　was；
a　good　horse　until　it　had　run　away　once；　and　that　a　good　watch　was　a　good
watch　until　the　repairers　got　a　chance　at　it。　　And　he　used　to　wonder　what
became　of　all　the　unsuccessful　tinkers；　and　gunsmiths；　and　shoemakers；
and　engineers；　and　blacksmiths；　but　nobody　could　ever　tell　him。






POLITICAL　ECONOMY

　　　　　Political　Economy　is　the　basis　of　all　good　government。　　The　wisest
　　　　　men　of　all　ages　have　brought　to　bear　upon　this　subject　the

＇Here　I　was　interrupted　and　informed　that　a　stranger　wished　to　see　me
down　at　the　door。　　I　went　and　confronted　him；　and　asked　to　know　his
business；　struggling　all　the　time　to　keep　a　tight　rein　on　my　seething
political…economy　ideas；　and　not　let　them　break　away　from　me　or　get
tangled　in　their　harness。　　And　privately　I　wished　the　stranger　was　in　the
bottom　of　the　canal　with　a　cargo　of　wheat　on　top　of　him。　　I　was　all　in　a
fever；　but　he　was　cool。　　He　said　he　was　sorry　to　disturb　me；　but　as　he
was　passing　he　noticed　that　I　needed　some　lightning…rods。　　I　said；　〃Yes；
yesgo　onwhat　about　it？〃　　He　said　there　was　nothing　about　it；　in
particularnothing　except　that　he　would　like　to　put　them　up　for　me。
I　am　new　to　housekeeping；　have　been　used　to　hotels　and　boarding…houses
all　my　life。　　Like　anybody　else　of　similar　experience；　I　try　to　appear
（to　strangers）　to　be　an　old　housekeeper；　consequently　I　said　in　an
offhand　way　that　I　had　been　intending　for　some　time　to　have　six　or　eight
lightning…rods　put　up；　butThe　stranger　started；　and　looked　inquiringly
at　me；　but　I　was　serene。　　I　thought　that　if　I　chanced　to　make　any
mistakes；　he　would　not　catch　me　by　my　countenance。　　He　said　he　would
rather　have　my　custom　than　any　man's　in　town。　　I　said；　〃All　right；〃　and
started　off　to　wrestle　with　my　great　subject　again；　when　he　called　me
back　and　said　it　would　be　necessary　to　know　exactly　how　many　〃points〃　I
wanted　put　up；　what　parts　of　the　house　I　wanted　them　on；　and　what　quality
of　rod　I　preferred。　　It　was　close　quarters　for　a　man　not　used　to　the
exigencies　of　housekeeping；　but　I　went　through　creditably；　and　he
probably　never　suspected　that　I　was　a　novice。　　I　told　him　to　put　up　eight
〃points；〃　and　put　them　all　on　the　roof；　and　use　the　best　quality　of　rod。
He　said　he　could　furnish　the　〃plain〃　article　at　20　cents　a　foot；
〃coppered；〃　25　cents；　〃zinc…plated　spiral…twist；〃　at　30　cents；　that　would
stop　a　streak　of　lightning　any　time；　no　matter　where　it　was　bound；　and
〃render　its　errand　harmless　and　its　further　progress　apocryphal。〃　　I　said
apocryphal　was　no　slouch　of　a　word；　emanating　from　the　source　it　did；
but；　philology　aside；　I　liked　the　spiral…twist　and　would　take　that　brand。
Then　he　said　he　could　make　two　hundred　and　fifty　feet　answer；　but　to　do
it　right；　and　make　the　best　job　in　town　of　it；　and　attract　the　admiration
of　the　just　and　the　unjust　alike；　and　compel　all　parties　to　say　they
never　saw　a　more　symmetrical　and　hypothetical　display　of　lightning…rods
since　they　were　born；　he　supposed　he　really　couldn't　get　along　without
four　hundred；　though　he　was　not　vindictive；　and　trusted　he　was　willing　to
try。　　I　said；　go　ahead　and　use　four　hundred；　and　make　any　kind　of　a　job
he　pleased　out　of　it；　but　let　me　get　back　to　my　work。　　So　I　got　rid　of
him　at　last；　and　now；　after　half　an　hour　spent　in　getting　my　train　of
political…economy　thoughts　coupled　together　again；　I　am　ready　to　go　on
once　more。＇

　　　　　richest　treasures　of　their　genius；　their　experience　of　life；　and
　　　　　their　learning。　　The　great　lights　of　commercial　jurisprudence；
　　　　　international　confraternity；　and　biological　deviation；　of　all　ages；
　　　　　all　civilizations；　and　all　nationalities；　from　Zoroaster　down　to
　　　　　Horace　Greeley；　have

＇Here　I　was　interrupted　again；　and　required　to　go　down　and　confer　further
with　that　lightning…rod　man。　　I　hurried　off；　boiling　and　surging　with
prodigious　thoughts　wombed　in　words　of　such　majesty　that　each　one　of　them
was　in　itself　a　straggling　procession　of　syllables　that　might　be　fifteen
minutes　passing　a　given　point；　and　once　more　I　confronted　himhe　so　calm
and　sweet；　I　so　hot　and　frenzied。　　He　was　standing　in　the　contemplative
attitude　of　the　Colossus　of　Rhodes；　with　one　foot　on　my　infant　tuberose；
and　the　other　among　my　pansies；　his　hands　on　his　hips；　his　hat…brim
tilted　forward；　one　eye　shut　and　the　other　gazing　critically　and
admiringly　in　the　direction　of　my　principal　chimney。　　He　said　now　there
was　a　state　of　things　to　make　a　man　glad　to　be　alive；　and　added；　〃I　leave
it　to　you　if　you　ever　saw　anything　more　deliriously　picturesque　than
eight　lightning…rods　on　one　chimney？〃　　I　said　I　had　no　present
recollection　of　anything　that　transcended　it。　　He　said　that　in　his
opinion　nothing　on　earth　but　Niagara　Falls　was　superior　to　it　in　the　way
of　natural　scenery。　　All　that　was　needed　now；　he　verily　believed；　to　make
my　house　a　perfect　balm　to　the　eye；　was　to　kind　of　touch　up　the　other
chimneys　a　little；　and　thus　〃add　to　the　generous　'coup　d'oeil'　a　soothing
uniformity　of　achievement　which　would　allay　the　excitement　naturally
consequent　upon　the　'coup　d'etat。'〃　　I　asked　him　if　he　learned　to　talk
out　of　a　book；　and　if　I　could　borrow　it　anywhere？　　He　smiled　pleasantly；
and　said　that　his　manner　of　speaking　was　not　taught　in　books；　and　that
nothing　but　familiarity　with　lightning　could　enable　a　man　to　handle　his
conversational　style　with　impunity。　　He　then　figured　up　an　estimate；　and
said　that　about　eight　more　rods　scattered　about　my　roof　would　about　fix
me　right；　and　he　guessed　five　hundred　feet　of　stuff　would　do　it；　and
added　that　the　first　eight　had　got　a　little　the　start　of　him；　so　to
speak；　and　used　up　a　mere　trifle　of　material　more　than　he　had　calculated
ona　hundred　feet　or　along　there。　　I　said　I　was　in　a　dreadful　hurry；
and　I　wished　we　could　get　this　business　permanently　mapped　out；　so　that　I
could　go　on　with　my　work。　　He　said；　〃I　could　have　put　up　those　eight
rods；　and　marched　off　about　my　businesssome　men　would　have　done　it。
But　no；　I　said　to　myself；　this　man　is　a　stranger　to　me；　and　I　will　die
before　I'll　wrong　him；　there　ain't　lightning…rods　enough　on　that　house；
and　for　one　I'll　never　stir　out　of　my　tracks　till　I've　done　as　I　would　be
done　by；　and　told　him　so。　　Stranger；　my　duty　is　accomplished；　if　the
recalcitrant　and　dephlogistic　messenger　of　heaven　strikes　your〃
〃There；　now；　there；〃　I　said；　〃put　on　the　other　eightadd　five　hundred
feet　of　spiral…twistdo　anything　and　everything　you　want　to　do；　but　calm
your　sufferings；　and　try　to　keep　your　feelings　where　you　can　reach　them
with　the　dictionary。　　Meanwhile；　if　we　understand　each　other　now；　I　will
go　to　work　again。〃

I　think　I　have　been　sitting　here　a　full　hour　this　time；　trying　to　get
back　to　where　I　was　when　my　train　of　thought　was　broken　up　by　the　last
interruption；　but　I　believe　I　have　accomplished　it　at　last；　and　may
venture　to　proceed　again。＇

　　　　　wrestled　with　this　great　subject；　and　the　greatest　among　them　have
　　　　　found　it　a　worthy　adversary；　and　one　that　always　comes　up　fresh　and
　　　　　smiling　after　every　throw。　　The　great　Confucius　said　that　he　would
　　　　　rather　be　a　profound　political　economist　than　chief　of　police。
　　　　　Cicero　frequently　said　that　political　economy　was　the　grandest
　　　　　consummation　that　the　human　mind　was　capable　of　consuming；　and　even
　　　　　our　own　Greeley　had　said　vaguely　but　forcibly　that　〃Political

＇Here　the　lightning…rod　man　sent　up　another　call　for　me。　　I　went　down　in
a　state　of　mind　bordering　on　impatience。　　He　said　he　would　rather　have
died　than　interrupt　me；　but　when　he　was　employed　to　do　a　job；　and　that
job　was　expected　to　be　done　in　a　clean；　workmanlike　manner；　and　when　it
was　finished　and　fatigue　urged　him　to　seek　the　rest　and　recreation　he
stood　so　much　in　need　of；　and　he　was　about　to　do　it；　but　looked　up　and
saw　at　a　glance　that　all　the　calculations　had　been　a　little　out；　and　if　a
thunder…storm　were　to　come　up；　and　that　house；　which　he　felt　a　pers