sketches new and old-第15章
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And dance and drink and jest；
And lie and steal…all one to him
He done his level best。
Whate'er this man was sot to do；
He done it with a zest；
No matter what his contract was；
HE'D DO HIS LEVEL BEST。
Verily； this man was gifted with 〃gorgis abilities；〃 and it is a
happiness to me to embalm the memory of their luster in these columns。
If it were not that the poet crop is unusually large and rank in
California this year； I would encourage you to continue writing； Simon
Wheeler； but； as it is； perhaps it might be too risky in you to enter
against so much opposition。
〃PROFESSIONAL BEGGAR。〃NO； you are not obliged to take greenbacks at
par。
〃MELTON MOWBRAY；〃 Dutch Flat。This correspondent sends a lot of
doggerel； and says it has been regarded as very good in Dutch Flat。 I
give a specimen verse：
The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold；
And his cohorts were gleaming with purple and gold；
And the sheen of his spears was like stars on the sea；
When the blue wave rolls nightly on deep Galilee。**
**This piece of pleasantry； published in a San Francisco paper； was
mistaken by the country journals for seriousness； and many and loud
were the denunciations of the ignorance of author and editor； in not
knowing that the lines in question were 〃written by Byron。〃
There； that will do。 That may be very good Dutch Flat poetry； but it
won't do in the metropolis。 It is too smooth and blubbery； it reads like
butter milk gurgling from a jug。 What the people ought to have is
something spiritedsomething like 〃Johnny Comes Marching Home。〃 However
keep on practising； and you may succeed yet。 There is genius in you； but
too much blubber。
〃ST。 CLAIR HIGGINS。〃 Los Angeles。〃My life is a failure； I have
adored； wildly； madly； and she whom I love has turned coldly from me
and shed her affections upon another。 What would you advise me to
do？〃
You should set your affections on another alsoor on several； if there
are enough to go round。 Also； do everything you can to make your former
flame unhappy。 There is an absurd idea disseminated in novels； that the
happier a girl is with another man； the happier it makes the old lover
she has blighted。 Don't allow yourself to believe any such nonsense as
that。 The more cause that girl finds to regret that she did not marry
you； the more comfortable you will feel over it。 It isn't poetical； but
it is mighty sound doctrine。
〃ARITIIMETICUS。〃 Virginia； Nevada。〃If it would take a cannon…ball
3 and 1/3 seconds to travel four miles； and 3 and 3/8 seconds to
travel the next four； and 3 and 5/8 to travel the next four； and if
its rate of progress continued to diminish in the same ratio； how
long would it take it to go fifteen hundred million miles？〃
I don't know。
〃AMBITIOUS LEARNER；〃 Oakland。Yes； you are right America was not
discovered by Alexander Selkirk。
〃DISCARDED LOVER。〃〃I loved； and still love； the beautiful Edwitha
Howard； and intended to marry her。 Yet； during my temporary absence
at Benicia； last week； alas！ she married Jones。 Is my happiness to
be thus blasted for life？ Have I no redress？〃
Of course you have。 All the law； written and unwritten； is on your side。
The intention and not the act constitutes crimein other words；
constitutes the deed。 If you call your bosom friend a fool； and intend
it for an insult； it is an insult； but if you do it playfully； and
meaning no insult； it is not an insult。 If you discharge a pistol
accidentally； and kill a man； you can go free； for you have done no
murder； but if you try to kill a man； and manifestly intend to kill him；
but fail utterly to do it； the law still holds that the intention
constituted the crime； and you are guilty of murder。 Ergo； if you had
married Edwitha accidentally； and without really intending to do it； you
would not actually be married to her at all； because the act of marriage
could not be complete without the intention。 And ergo； in the strict
spirit of the law； since you deliberately intended to marry Edwitha； and
didn't do it； you are married to her all the samebecause； as I said
before； the intention constitutes the crime。 It is as clear as day that
Edwitha is your wife； and your redress lies in taking a club and
mutilating Jones with it as much as you can。 Any man has a right to
protect his own wife from the advances of other men。 But you have
another alternativeyou were married to Edwitha first； because of your
deliberate intention； and now you can prosecute her for bigamy； in
subsequently marrying Jones。 But there is another phase in this
complicated case： You intended to marry Edwitha； and consequently；
according to law； she is your wifethere is no getting around that； but
she didn't marry you； and if she never intended to marry you； you are not
her husband； of course。 Ergo； in marrying Jones； she was guilty of
bigamy； because she was the wife of another man at the time； which is all
very well as far as it goesbut then； don't you see； she had no other
husband when she married Jones； and consequently she was not guilty of
bigamy。 Now； according to this view of the case； Jones married a
spinster； who was a widow at the same time and another man's wife at the
same time； and yet who had no husband and never had one； and never had
any intention of getting married； and therefore； of course； never had
been married； and by the same reasoning you are a bachelor； because you
have never been any one's husband； and a married man； because you have a
wife living； and to all intents and purposes a widower； because you have
been deprived of that wife； and a consummate ass for going off to Benicia
in the first place； while things were so mixed。 And by this time I have
got myself so tangled up in the intricacies of this extraordinary case
that I shall have to give up any further attempt to advise youI might
get confused and fail to make myself understood。 I think I could take up
the argument where I left off； and by following it closely awhile；
perhaps I could prove to your satisfaction； either that you never existed
at all； or that you are dead now； and consequently don't need the
faithless EdwithaI think I could do that； if it would afford you any
comfort。
〃ARTHUR AUGUSTUS。〃No； you are wrong； that is the proper way to throw a
brickbat or a tomahawk； but it doesn't answer so well for a bouquet； you
will hurt somebody if you keep it up。 Turn your nosegay upside down；
take it by the stems； and toss it with an upward sweep。 Did you ever
pitch quoits？ that is the idea。 The practice of recklessly heaving
immense solid bouquets； of the general size and weight of prize cabbages；
from the dizzy altitude of the galleries； is dangerous and very
reprehensible。 Now； night before last； at the Academy of Music； just
after Signorina had finished that exquisite melody； 〃The Last Rose of
Summer；〃 one of these floral pile…drivers came cleaving down through the
atmosphere of applause； and if she hadn't deployed suddenly to the right；
it would have driven her into the floor like a shinglenail。 Of course
that bouquet was well meant； but how would you like to have been the
target？ A sincere compliment is always grateful to a lady； so long as
you don't try to knock her down with it。
〃YOUNG MOTHER。〃And so you think a baby is a thing of beauty and a joy
forever？ Well； the idea is pleasing； but not original； every cow thinks
the same of its own calf。 Perhaps the cow may not think it so elegantly；
but still she thinks it nevertheless。 I honor the cow for it。 We all
honor this touching maternal instinct wherever we find it； be it in the
home of luxury or in the humble cove…shed。 But really； madam； when I
come to examine the matter in all its bearings； I find that the
correctness of your assertion does not assert itself in all cases。
A soiled baby； with a neglected nose； cannot be conscientiously regarded
as a thing of beauty； and ina
